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So DH and I have been getting along perfectly, and he's been really supportive in this second pregnancy but there's one aspect about him that's just really hard for me to just "get over.." And I have a feeling that's going to be some advice, but it's just not going to fly with me.<br><br>
I'm not a huge social butterfly/extrovert. I go out a few times a week to play dates, or to run errands but in general I love my home. Currently we are living in a fairly urban area a hop/skip from Manhattan, so while we are here for the next year and a 1/2 I'm trying to take advantage of what it has to offer DD, who loves to go out.<br><br>
We do the usual stuff - museums, play grounds, farms, etc.<br><br>
I do these things solo most of the time, because DH just isn't interested. On the weekend he wants to "relax" even though trust me, the man gets a ton of "relaxing" time. I've given in to his night owl ways and don't wake him in the morning, and I am in charge of basically 90% of the child rearing. On the weekends I'd like to do one or sometimes even two activities as a family: maybe a trip to see the baby animals, a playground, running errands.<br><br>
The problem is ANYTHING I plan gets a huge sigh, and it's annoying. For instance we have date night tonight, and he's already like "do we have to go.." and tomorrow we are going to visit baby animals - originally I was like I don't care if you don't go, but DD WANTS HIM TO and keeps talking about how her and "Daddy are going to milk a cow.."<br><br>
He kind of rolls his eyes at this, complains he needs to rest, and says she won't know the difference because she's 2 1/2. Um, she does, sorry dude. And when the f$*&$ do I rest at 33 weeks pregnant?<br><br>
he's SO introverted and could literally not leave the house for weeks, and it's just really annoying. I honestly don't feel like I'm asking for much, but the extra hands and family time is nice!
 

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How tough for you! I can not even imagine. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Sounds like you are doing an amazing job 'on your own'!<br><br>
I read through your post thinking your DH was some piece of work, but honestly your last paragraph changed the entire dynamic for me. Is your DH seeking help for his agoraphobia? There's no reason to live like that, especially when there are medications and therapies (such as CBT) to help him. I think the best thing you can do for yourself and for your DH is to urge him to seek help if he has not already.
 

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Oh, hmm I think I either wrote wrong or you misunderstood.<br><br>
The man has no fear of going out, he just doesn't want to. He loves his house, his office, his nerdy toys etc and is happy to live in his own head most of the time.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RebeccaWo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15406630"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">How tough for you! I can not even imagine. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Sounds like you are doing an amazing job 'on your own'!<br><br>
I read through your post thinking your DH was some piece of work, but honestly your last paragraph changed the entire dynamic for me. Is your DH seeking help for his agoraphobia? There's no reason to live like that, especially when there are medications and therapies (such as CBT) to help him. I think the best thing you can do for yourself and for your DH is to urge him to seek help if he has not already.</div>
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Woops, I totally misunderstood the "he's SO introverted and could literally not leave the house for weeks" part! In that case, sounds like things are far from perfect and he's not at all supportive. How sad for you and your DD. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I would be furious, OP. Marriage counseling, having the sit-down "what's going on" type talks, etc... I'd let my DH know that family participation is not optional. From the situations you described, that would be my hill to die on and if he wasn't open to changing I'd be looking at whether I still wanted to be married to that person.
 

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I would be really tempted to tell him to suck it up. Participating in a family/group requires a fair amount of sucking it up and he might as well get started while he only has one small child.
 

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Ok, he doesn't want to go out but it sounds like he doesn't really spend time with your kid(s). Does he play with them? To me, there are two issues here-<br>
1)spending time as a family<br>
2)dh spending time with the kid(s)<br><br>
I would make some family time, whether at home or out, non-negotiable. I would encourage dh to take on more of the childcare duties, since you are expecting another babe and it will mean more work. It sounds like he likes to do solitary activities, which is fine for after bed or when he needs a break, but when he is with you guys, he needs to be with you. You know?
 

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no advice here, but DH does the same thing. He is a great husband and<br>
father but sometimes it makes me go inwardly ballistic that anything I ask him to do gets a roll of eyes and a sigh. He usually does it, but sheesh - can you stop acting like having to change your son's diaper is martydrom. grrrr... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br>
seriously though, I'm glad that's the biggest of my problems.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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I don't mean to be rude, but I would seriously reconsider having any more children with him.<br><br>
I don't care if he works, there is no reason that anyone can give, barring illness or disability, that a man cannot parent his own children.<br><br>
Since when is parenting a choice, when you decide to reproduce?
 

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My husband's car is in need of repair and has not started in over 6 weeks and it has not impacted his life in ANY way. He literally only leaves the house when he has to. No advice, just commiseration.
 

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If you DO leave him home and then you & DD have a fantastic time, does he regret it? I've had similar issues with DP at times. We work opposite schedules, so he does have a lot of individual time with the kids, but when we're both off, he just wants to <i>relax</i> while I want to take advantage of the family time.<br><br>
I finally just decided to do what I'd planned and enjoy the adventures with my kids. One day we came home and DD was telling him about the day and he looked at me and said "Aww...you guys always have fun and I miss out." I looked him straight in the eye and said "Well, that's completely your choice."<br><br>
I know this probably doesn't help because everyone is different. But showing what he was missing really got through to my DP.<br><br>
Good luck...and HAVE FUN (it sounds like you have really fun adventures)
 

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My husband is also introverted, but you need to set some clear expectations with your husband now. After the baby arrives, he is going to have to do a lot more with your DD for a while, and he should get some experience playing with her/doing stuff with her before then.
 

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DH and I are both pretty introverted and would rather hang at the house, but one thing that has helped us both get out more and do things that we know the kids will enjoy is having something scheduled. For example, if you set aside every Saturday afternoon as family activity time where he would be expected to participate you may be able to avoid the sighing and what not because he would know it was coming. The rest of the time he would know that he was "safe" to "relax".
 

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My dh will do family activities on the weekend... but it depends of WHAT they are. He won't go to plays, story time, parades, carnivals, most any community family event, b-day parties.... but he will go on kid friendly hikes, canoeing, non busy parks..... so I would suggest choosing a family activity that he would enjoy doing as well. Heck, I even hate going to most of these "kid centered" activities, but I do so for my kids.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>PoppyMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15406774"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would be really tempted to tell him to suck it up. Participating in a family/group requires a fair amount of sucking it up and he might as well get started while he only has one small child.</div>
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This.<br><br>
DH is introverted. I'm introverted and significantly social phobic. I force myself out to homelearning meetups and arrange playdates and all that...because it's part of being a parent. I frequently drag my tired butt out to do things when I'd rather stay in bed, because that's part of being a parent.<br><br>
The rolling eyes and sighing thing? I'd be...like...insane with rage...seriously.<br><br>
I don't care how freaking introverted he is. His 2.5 year old dd is all excited about him going somewhere with her. So - he <i>goes</i>. It's not that complicated, yk? When you have kids, you can't just ignore things that are important to them, or opt out of being part of their lives.
 

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my dh is similar but he does have a little more of an excuse (he works 2 jobs) however, those 2 jobs are his choice. its been that way since before i met him. he is good at what he does and i think he gets major satisfaction out of it. plus he feels he isn't good at taking care of the kids so he always trumps the "i can't" card.<br><br>
i'm not much help. but really i can't say or do anything that will change him. the change has to come from him so ive just made peace with it. i did everything with dd alone, now there are three of us (me, dd&ds) doing things together. we hope to start having a saturday morning family day so he gets more used to doing things with them. (he gets really stressed out w/ the kids in public) his other issue imo is his childhood wasn't joyful and he has a hard time just letting go and letting kids be kids kwim? he was forced to grow up quickly and his short time being a kid was rough (no electricity, no running water, sometimes no food etc). anyway, two is a lot harder than one so hopefully you guys can figure something out where he pulls a little more weight.
 

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I don't want to sound overly dramatic, paint your DH as a complete jerk, or otherwise extrapolate and project too much . .. . but I'm just thinking of this whole issue because I just got through seeing my dad.<br><br>
My dad only did the bare minimum with my sister and me. Any and everything he did was done with, more or less, a sigh. He clearly derived no joy out of being a dad. He didn't even go on family vacations with us! He certainly wouldn't have gone to a petting zoo or a community event.<br><br>
And now that my sis and i are in our mid to late 30s with families of our own, suddenly he whines about how we don't call and how we don't seem to want to spend time with him. d'uh! (he and my mom finally divorced about 15 years ago). If you don't invest time building that relationship with your kids when they're young, there's not much left when they're older.<br><br>
That relationship is built on 1001 small things . .. . bedtime stories, days out at the park, genuine interest in your child's life. I feel sad for my dad because now he's a lonely old man, but my visits are out of obligation and duty, not real connection or attachment.<br><br>
Now, obviously, OP, my dad is kind of an extreme case and your DH may be much more involved, just involved at home, but if you want to use my post as a sort of morality tale for him, go ahead! I'd hate for him to look back in 30 years and think, "I wish I'd spent more time with my daughter."
 

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Enriching the children's lives and bonding as a family unit with shared experiences is not to be sneered at. In fact, I consider it a "must" for good families. Just like sharing chores and the evening meal together. He may need a weekend to go nowhere once a month or he may help plan activities the other three weekends... but doing away with them altogether? No freaking way. That's just not being a good parent IMHO.
 

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Does your dh spend time doing things with your daughter at home? Does he have hobbies (cooking, gardening, etc) that she can participate in? Or is it all computer stuff and movies that aren't kid-friendly?<br><br>
My dad never, ever ever did the petting zoo/park/museum stuff with us. He never did child-centered activities. But he did a lot at home. He grew a huge garden, made root beer, pressed apple cider, made soap, wine, cheese, dried fruit, beef jerky... you get the idea. He did it for himself, because he wanted to, but they were all activities that we kids could and did participate in. They are some of my fondest memories as a child. I didn't feel close to him as a child the way I did to my mother, but we clearly did bond because as an adult I adore him and quite frankly think I get more and more like him the older I get, rather than more and more like my mom.<br><br>
So there are certainly ways for him to bond with your kids that don't involve trips out. Maybe you can have a talk with him, tell him about Darius mom's experience, and ask him, "what sorts of activities would you like to do with the kids to create that bond?"
 

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Could you compromise & have 1 weekend day been 'rest as a family' -- stay in bed late, read or watch movies together, play a few games, stay home all day (would he be interested in this at all anyway, or does he really mean 'do his own thing while you watch the kid'?) And then have one weekend day be 'family outing day'?<br><br>
My DH is great about playing with the baby in the evenings so I can get a break, and we do a lot as a family, but for the past couple months I've been taking DS out alone on Saturdays for a few hours. I've asked DH if he wanted to come sometimes and at first felt hurt when he said no... but now I've realized he really does need some time when we're not home, to work in the yard or catch up on laundry or just watch a show & take a nap. But he is so helpful most of the time, and always more than willing to give me the same kinds of breaks. If he wasn't, and it sounds like your DH isn't, I wouldn't be happy with it either, I'd complain quite a bit in fact!<br><br>
P.S. You're pregnant so you should get extra breaks!!!
 
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