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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I told him last night I want one more kid in the few years...He was like, "NO! We can't afford the two we have! We are in debt! We need a house!" I calmly assured him it wouldn't be for a while and by then we would be living by family that can help plus I would have a good job since I would be done with school. He told me he thinks two kids are "enough" whereas I have always wanted three - and he knows that. I told him we'd table it and talk a year or so in the future about it and he was visibly relieved. Is is OK for me to dream about having another one then or is that unfair?
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It's not unfair, but he's also entitled to his feelings. And right now, he seems overwhelmed with providing for the kids he's got. I'd keep my yearnings quiet for now, and show him how great you are with the budget, erasing your debt, living within your means, and helping him realize his financial goals (if they're different than yours). Another kid might not be so scary once money's not such a big issue. Good luck!
 

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i think it's ok to want a kid, to table the issue, and to hope that he 'comes around.'

but here is what i think is 'not ok.' it is not ok to pressure him into having one that he doesn't want. it's not ok to knowingly 'oops' him into fathering a third child. it's not fair to him or the child.

children should be brought into this world with enthusiasm. real 'oops' are no problem, IMO, i consider it a sort of "grace of god" or "personal responsibility" thing. but when a woman knowingly "oops" but doesn't tell her SO, then she's really wronging him and their child. because he didn't get to choose, she chose for him out of her own selfish need/want/whatever, rather than concerning herself with his needs as a human being, and how he sees himself as a parent.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
i think it's ok to want a kid, to table the issue, and to hope that he 'comes around.'

but here is what i think is 'not ok.' it is not ok to pressure him into having one that he doesn't want. it's not ok to knowingly 'oops' him into fathering a third child. it's not fair to him or the child.

children should be brought into this world with enthusiasm. real 'oops' are no problem, IMO, i consider it a sort of "grace of god" or "personal responsibility" thing. but when a woman knowingly "oops" but doesn't tell her SO, then she's really wronging him and their child. because he didn't get to choose, she chose for him out of her own selfish need/want/whatever, rather than concerning herself with his needs as a human being, and how he sees himself as a parent.
Wow, I didn't get that she was considering Oopsing a kid from the op. While, obviously, that's totally unfair to both the baby and the father, it's equally unfair to let him decide how many kids they'll be having.

OP, I think tabling the conversation for a year is perfectly fine, as is dreaming of having another someday. You may change your mind, your situation could change, or he could reconsider. Cross that bridge when you get there, in the meantime, dream away.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
i think it's ok to want a kid, to table the issue, and to hope that he 'comes around.'

but here is what i think is 'not ok.' it is not ok to pressure him into having one that he doesn't want. it's not ok to knowingly 'oops' him into fathering a third child. it's not fair to him or the child.

children should be brought into this world with enthusiasm. real 'oops' are no problem, IMO, i consider it a sort of "grace of god" or "personal responsibility" thing. but when a woman knowingly "oops" but doesn't tell her SO, then she's really wronging him and their child. because he didn't get to choose, she chose for him out of her own selfish need/want/whatever, rather than concerning herself with his needs as a human being, and how he sees himself as a parent.

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btw, i never assumed that she would 'oops' or that her original post indicated thus. but, simply, that i have a problem when women do this. and i do.

i also think it is appropriate for one or the other partner to say "no, this is enough." it must be a mutual agreement.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for your replies. I would never "oops" a kid - I have known people who have done that and the results are never pretty. He does want me to get rid of all my maternity clothes and baby stuff we are not using so his mind is pretty made up; however he said we'll talk again about it in a year so I am guessing he has not made a final decision. I want to wait at least two years to have another kid so we have time. I just turned 29 and he will be 30 this month so we have fertility time left...I feel sorta bad for wanting another one since things are really crazy finanacially and just in general with two little ones but I can't help the way I feel. I will just have to keep those feelings to myself (and of course let you MDC mamas in on how I feel too!
) Thanks again!
 

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I see nothing wrong with it as long as you are prepared for the fact that he may never change his mind. I always wanted a third and DH thought two was plenty. Well, we both had a slip of judgement and along came number three well before even I was ready, and surprisingly he handled it great while I was freaking out. So you never know. At this point neither of us wants to even talk about another one but he is ready to call it quits, and I don't feel quite ready to. But, there is a chance that I may want another and DH says no way. As headstrong as I am I have to be okay with that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I feel really stupid. We are preparing to move across the country in a few months and just talked about whether or not to sell my maternity clothes/the car seat/the crib (we use as storage
), etc I told him I wanted to hold on to it for a few years and then see so we wouldn't have to get rid of it and start over if we wanted another one. He told me he never saw himself having more than two kids and if we kept it I would want more and more kids. I assured him I would be "done" at three. He went off on all these tangents and said he wanted to git rid of it and I just wanted to push him into havig another one and how he didn't think that even in 5 years we could afford another one. He just went OFF about all sorts of stuff. He told me I should not want three kids being an only child and that 2 is just something I will have to live with, etc etc. He said lots of other things too. I told him over and over that all I wanted was him and I to discuss it in a few years and see if things have changed and that by keeping the stuff I was trying to save us $ if we wanted anothe ron ein the future - if not then we could get rid of it when we talk about it again - and that MY mind could change as well. He told me yes we'd discuss it to shut me up - and then told me he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and really iddn't even want to talk about it any more. I don't want to force him into having another child but why doesn't it matter how I feel too? I am not going to go out and get pregnant now - or in three years for that matter - but why can we at least say we'll talk about it then? OK - now I am crying...
 

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I will tell you what I would do. I would sell or give away the stuff rather than move it. If you become pregnant again, the universe will provide. Did you have trouble acquiring it in the first place?

I do not think it is worth stirring the issue up with DH. Let it go for a year (at least) - then talk about it. There have been stories of women (on this board!) who's DH became very adamant about having no more children when pushed - letting it rest may give time (and changes in life circumstances) a chance to do its magic....

kathy
 

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Quote:
It's not unfair, but he's also entitled to his feelings. And right now, he seems overwhelmed with providing for the kids he's got. I'd keep my yearnings quiet for now, and show him how great you are with the budget, erasing your debt, living within your means, and helping him realize his financial goals (if they're different than yours). Another kid might not be so scary once money's not such a big issue. Good luck!
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I would table it for now and not push it since neither one of you are ready at this time.
 

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Two kids may truly be his limit and you may have to be okay with two. Think how much worse it would be to bring another child into the mix and have DH resent that one child. That's not fair to the child and it sounds like, in your case, it could easily happen that way.

Is not having another one fair to you? No. But having #3 and have it be treated differently by Daddy is not fair, either.

Jenn
 

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It's not unfair to dream and he may very well change his mind once you are settled.
I have the opposite problem. DH dreams of another addition and I am overwhelmed by the three we have as I have always only wanted two. It freaks me out every time he mentions another baby or takes me through a baby aisle at random. It's not a selfish wish for either of you just try to work out your feelings about it in case it doesn't happen cause it's sooooo not happening here.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post


I will tell you what I would do. I would sell or give away the stuff rather than move it. If you become pregnant again, the universe will provide.
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People change and circumstances change (not to mention maternity clothing styles
). You're both young, so there's plenty of time. And in the meantime you can work on getting him to understand that on really important issues, it's not ok to "tell you what you want to hear just to shut you up."
 

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yeah, personally i would get rid of the stuff and not worry about it if you should have another child in the future. there's no reason to hold onto those things just to potentially save money.

beyond that, he was angry/frustrated and confusing the issue during a stressful time (packing and cleaning out to move is stressful). it's likely that he said things that he didn't mean anyway.

i would get rid of the things, completely drop the issue, and then maybe bring it up in a year or two. you may discover that you do not want any more kids, and he may discover that he does. whichever way it goes, it'll work out.
 

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I think the clothes and stuff are symbolic to you and getting rid of them would feel like a door being shut, when in reality that would mean no such thing. But honestly, how you feel right now is more important.

I am in the same boat. My dh won't consider having more because we agreed on 3 total kids (I had one when we married, so we agreed to have 2 together). I feel cheated because I got twins. Two in one was not what I bargained for, so I feel robbed of a second (really third) pregnancy. Eventually I felt ok with not having more. But I do still have moments though.

I think he is being mean (my dh as well) to not at least sincerely agree to consider it in the future, but you can't change him. I think you need to give it some time and revisit it yourself in a year or so. If you feel like giving the stuff away will upset you, then don't. I told my dh if he got a vasectomy right now it would cause me to obsess about another baby because I would know I couldn't have one. I told him using another form of birth control would allow us to postpone the finality of a vasectomy and as long as the door wasn't totally shut, I could be more realistic about not needing another baby at this time. Could you maybe explain that to your dh? That holding onto the stuff is actually keeping you from obsessing about it?

I just think in this instance postponing giving the stuff away and postponing anymore discussion on the subject of more babies is your best bet. Time will work it out one way or the other.
 

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The way your dh freaked out is exactly how mine would react if I brought up having another child. I know b/c he's already done it to me before. I have been thinking I'd like to *maybe* have another but no way can I mention it. If I even joke about it he gets super po'd. HUGS.
 

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Your youngest is 4 months. I was convinced I was done until my youngest was 18 months and I could breathe. Now the youngest is almost 5 and we want a third. We've both woven in and out of being sure we wanted no more to desperately wanting another.

get through your current youngest's first year or so. You're both probably sleep-deprived and time-deprived, and it's just too much for him to process.

If you get rid of the items you're NOT closing a door. You're just decluttering your life to make the move easier.
 

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This sounds so similar to our house LOL! Although, my dh has not been sooo very strong on his stance, we've had similar discussions. It's funny though - he isn't pushing to get rid of anything and we are 6 mos into our third baby. After our 2nd child, he said "that's it!" and "no more" because it was overwhelming for him. He was concerned about finances and our time together as we get older - our first was born when I was 31. By the time our dd (2nd child) was 1 1/2 he was on board with another baby. Now, he's not saying no to any more, but he's not emphatically saying yes either - after all, dd is only 6 mos old. Maybe you can ask your husband what his main concerns are about having more children. Did he come from a small family? Is he worried about the $$? Is it stressful for him? You get the idea........sometimes these men of ours just aren't sure how to discover why they feel what they do when we have it all figured out! Also, I totally agree with another post that you're just a few months into your second baby which is a HUGE transition in a family. New baby, but also going from 1 to 2 kids is the hardest thing we've gone through so far as a family. Hang in there mama!
 

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He has a right to his feelings. You have a right to yours, and to keeping your property. He has no right to demand you get rid of the items. It's just as inappropriate as if you guilted/demanded him into having a third child.
 
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