Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 30 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,270 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
And he's taking a mile. I'm really annoyed right now.<br><br>
BG info- my husband is a musician of sorts. He's been in bands the whole time I've been with him. He's not in it to make money, he just really loves playing music. this is awesome for him, and I think it's a great, constructive way for him to spend time. I've been supportive and I let him go away on tour for 4-6 weeks at a time (as long as he leaves me enough money to get bills paid). Yeah, sucks for me, but I knew what I was getting into when we got together.<br><br>
Fast forward a few years. We are married and have a daughter. She's incredibly high-needs. There's nothing wrong with that, but she needs TWO parents. He works a 9-5 job, I stay home. I do all the nighttime parenting. I also work part time on the weekends.<br><br>
I am incredibly fortunate to work for somebody who allows me to bring her to work with me. That said, I would really prefer not to, just because it's difficult to do two things at once, but it's great to have the option (I don't let down to a pump very well, so often having enough for her is an issue and I bring her because she needs to eat!)<br><br>
So anyways, this weekend my husband's band is playing in Calgary (3 hour drive from here). Well, this week he tells me that they are taking our car. Not asks me, tells me. I understand that our car gets better gas mileage and can fir more (it's a wagon), but thanks for considering that I have no way to get around now and we have to uninstall/reinstall the car seat. Plus it insured under my FIL's policy, and my DH doesn't drive, and that another guy in the band will be driving. I don't want random people driving my car! Especially when I don't know if they are responsible behind the wheel.<br><br>
So that's annoying enough. (Let alone if a red-light camera ticket should show up in my mailbox)<br><br><br>
So, I ask my sister to come watch the baby while I am at work (she just finished school and could use a few bucks), and DH shows up at my work to pick up the proof of insurance that I keep in my purse. He tells me that they decided to stay overnight in Calgary. To boot, they have a bar show here tomorrow night.<br><br>
So basically, he wants me to parent all day at work (which isn't an issue now since I have my sister watching her), all evening, and all night (DD is a frequent night waker), then do double duty at work tomorrow, and all evening and until later at night as he won't be home until the wee hours.<br><br>
Am I allowed to be irked that he is blowing off his responsibilities as a parent to go play for gas money? (Seriously, they'll get paid maybe 50 bucks and that will pay for the gas there and back if they're lucky). I'm okay with the occasional late night out, but if the situation was reversed, and I wanted to do the same thing and leave DD with him on the nights that HE works, he'd probably flip his lid at the mere mention! He's taking advantage of the fact that I have the privilege of being able to bring her, but he knows very well that I really prefer not to. Like, when do *I* get a break? I barely get the chance to wash the conditioner out of my hair, let alone go party in Calgary over night.<br><br>
Or am I just being a party pooper? Thoughts?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,487 Posts
I think you are justified in being annoyed. Totally. I hated the amount of time and effort that went into playing for basically beer money (gas if they were lucky - though, in reality the excess money went into the band fund, so no help to our own family).<br><br>
I would be pissed about the car situation - I wouldn't be down with being left w/o a car for more than a few hours (though, I've been in a similar situation many times, when we shared one vehicle - and DH had to take it to haul his drums - so I would go an afternoon, evening, and overnight w/o wheels -- and four small kids <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">).<br><br>
Anyhow, I could type more, but need to go now -- basically, no, you are not being a party pooper.<br><br>
ETA: I probably shouldn't come back to your post, hon, b/c I have a lot of resentment/bitterness over being married to a band member... and it often meant parenting M-F 8-5 while he was at work, and then 3 nights a week for band practice, and then more weekend nights than not when he had gigs. ugh. There must be a way to strike a balance where neither partner feels taken advantage of or held-back. The funny thing is when I saw your thread title, all I could think of was my past situation and years and years of giving an inch and feeling like he took a mile. Crazy that it was what your post was about. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
13,072 Posts
Another band wife sharing the resentment! I think you're totally justified! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,308 Posts
I am both a musician's wife and a musician! I totally hear you on being pissed about this situation. I've been there. For us working as musicians is our only work so we don't tend to turn down gigs (unless we're already working that night), BUT going out of town, taking the car, for a gig that does not pay is a different matter. DH *telling* you they were going to take the car (that is not even insured for the other guy to drive) is particularly irksome. And I do think he's taking advantage of the fact that you're allowed to bring dd to work with you. If it were my dh I'd expect <i>him</i> to line up babysitting. I'd also expect "the band" to figure out a different way of getting there. And I'd expect a big thank you for being super-mom so he could play his out of town, pays for gas, gig!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,282 Posts
I understand that music may be important to him. But, it is not essential to your well-being. And right now, you and the baby need him.<br><br>
For now, he should stop running around playing gigs for gas money, and start parenting the child he helped to create.<br><br>
Harsh? Probably. There is nothing wrong with having a hobby, but not to the detriment of your family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,339 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TinkerBelle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15361385"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I understand that music may be important to him. But, it is not essential to your well-being. And right now, you and the baby need him.<br><br>
For now, he should stop running around playing gigs for gas money, and start parenting the child he helped to create.<br><br>
Harsh? Probably. There is nothing wrong with having a hobby, but not to the detriment of your family.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"> And I'd make them take someone else's car for sure. No way would I be left with a kid and no car.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,892 Posts
No, you're not a party pooper! I'd be irked, too, and you have every right to be, also about the car issue.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,135 Posts
I definitely think he should be asking you before commiting and making plans, and he should be open to some compromise in order for both of you to get a bit of a break. It sounds like he's only concerned with his own needs and that needs to change.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
11,594 Posts
i also think you are justified in being upset. these sorts of things need to be planned out in advance so that everyone's needs get met.<br><br>
my husband does a fair bit of work with film. let me tell you, it is always planned out in advance. if something comes up, he'll *ask* and not tell. we discuss the benefits of doing the project, how i am feeling, and what i 'get' in exchange (eg, i'll be able to take a workshop for a full day or something) so that i also have time to decompress and do things that i enjoy.<br><br>
so, i think this is a time to discuss these dialogues--how you value his music and his opportunities, but there also needs to be some awareness of your needs in regards to planning, lead times for planning, and your own free time as well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
I'm with everyone else. This would be unacceptable to me. If my husband tried to tell me he was taking my car, or leaving me with the kids there would be trouble. We don't just announce things like that. Everything is negotiated and you can't just assume the other parent will pick up the pieces while you go off doing whatever you like once you have kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,411 Posts
I don't even understand the mentality beehind taking yours wifes car and leaving her with NOTHING? (IF thats what happened) Did he do it knowing you wouldnt have anything, or did someone offer to leave behind an alternative?<br><br>
If its the former, that wouldn't fly in my house, I dont care what his hobby is and if he feels im holding him back. Thats just ridonkulous to think its ok to take my car when I have a job and a child that requires transportation.<br><br>
I am the wife of a drag racer. So I commiserate with feelings of resentment and aggravation when it feels to much time and money is being spent on the hobby and not the family. Very very important to strike a balance and be a responsible parent and partner if you expect any support and leaverage in return. Do they always find this balance on their own? HELLS NO. Mine needs to be reminded constantly. Very important not to be passive agressive about it either. Causes to much confusion.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,270 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I am trying SO HARD to not be passive aggressive in this situation. Unfortunately, I usually tend to be, so I'm working on that. I wrote his a really snarky text and deleted it before I sent it. What good would that do me, right?<br><br>
He called me about 11 PM to suck up. Telling me he's going to try and get the guys up early (but can't promise because they started drinking, which I assumed was the reason they decided last minute to stay overnight, so they could party and not have to drive home) , so that he can come pick Lyra up from work and spend time with her.<br><br>
Then he was being super linger-ey on the phone. He's not a phone person, and he's not one to call anybody up to chat, so I really think he knows exactly how unacceptable this situation is.<br><br>
LOL. I better get a present out of this.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
131 Posts
Going out of town and taking the car without even asking your permission is not acceptable. If I were you, I would not blow up at him, but I would make clear when he gets home that in the future, you will need the car if he is away overnight. That's a very reasonable ground rule to set. You may want to have other ground rules for his time spent playing/traveling, but taking your car should not be negotiable.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,270 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>PoppyMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15363148"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Have you ever tried saying no -in a very mature/reasonable way of course?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Tried yes. Succeed, sometimes. I'm kind of a door mat.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,411 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MsVyky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15363298"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Tried yes. Succeed, sometimes. I'm kind of a door mat.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Then try not to get so mad at him if he trully thinks your ok with all of this. Its not fair to get mad AFTER the plans are made if you allowed him to think you were cool with it or even indifferent about it.<br><br>
And I am still curious. Did he just take your car and leave you with nothing, or atleast give you an alternative?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,270 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I definitely was not permissive when he told me that he would be taking the car and that someone else would be driving. I made it known that I was not okay with that, though I didn't exactly put up a fight.<br><br>
And he did leave me with an alternative- taking the bus.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,411 Posts
Yea, thats NOT COOL. I would have to say a serious talk about his "hobby" needs to be had. Its fine to have aspirations and dreams. But damn it if they get in the way of my kids lives, time to put on the breaks!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,270 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I'll definitely not be letting THAT happen again. He had mentioned a few weeks ago about doing a mini tour for a week or so. I told him that was fine, but to dot even think for a MILLISECOND that he'd be taking our car and sticking me with no transport. I don't care that Rich's car gets 2 miles a gallon, take his it fits the equipment just fine or put the money in your band fund together and buy a cheap minivan for that purpose, and not use OUR family vehicle.<br><br>
That said, had he asked me and not told me, I'd be less angry. We JUST got the car last month and we'd been using public transportation up until then, so it;s not like I don't know how to get around without a car, I can do that just fine.<br><br>
I think the part that bothers me the most is that he's taking advantage of me having the ability to bring Lyra to work. And that I'm left to do all the parenting and pet care (we've got two nightmare dogs).<br><br>
I don't know how you single mamas do it. Hats off to you.
 
1 - 20 of 30 Posts
Top