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I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

I don't want to wean dd, but I just absolutely hate nursing her what seems like every 5 minutes. I feel like ALL she wants to do is nurse. If I am sitting down, at the computer to do my LLL work, nursing ds, or she is bored or hungry or thirsty or tired, she is hanging on me asking to nurse.

I have tried to give her extra attention, which is hard since I have a 3 month old to care for, too. I have tried giving her short nursing sessions whenever she asks, but I feel like yelling and screaming at her when I do that. I have tried nursing both at the same time, but it makes me want to just jump out of my skin. I've tried special one on one time, delaying, distractions, tv, bribes, food, everything I can think of but she just whines and screams and hangs on me until I give in and nurse her again. She won't do short 30 second nurses. She wants minutes, hours, days! Ok, maybe not days.... How am I supposed to do minutes when it make me clench my teeth the whole time? Her teeth rub terribly, it hurts and irritates when she nurses. And she won't let go when I tell her to stop and go do something else. She just bites down and fights me. I could handle nursing her a few times a day, but this constant stuff is killing me!

Then there is the whining every time she asks. She doesn't give me warning, just walks in and starts whining for "nurses." She wants to nurse more than ds does!

There has to be a happy medium somewhere, but I'm not finding it. Somehow, I doubt weaning would solve much. She is just so spirited/high needs. I just can't stand how things are right now. I love her to death and still I hate nursing her. I feel like I should be able to put my feelings aside and do what is best for her but it is so hard and she is so demanding -- of my time, my energy, and my breasts.

I don't know that there really is an answer.....but thanks for letting me vent. It breaks my heart that I hate this unique and special time so much. I really wanted it to be so different.
 

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Hugs to you, mama. Come here and vent anytime. We all understand having mad moments, bad days, bad weeks (bad years? ha)

I don't have much as far as advice, but I "listened" (i.e. "read') and am sending you peaceful vibes. May you find what you need. May you find your way.

(((love)))
 

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I know that feeling....feeling totally touched out. Know it well. Especially when the newborn is still so new so you are most likely all leaky and bloated and just like aghhhh, GET OFF ME!!!!!! That feeling will pass. Some days will be better than others, ya know? The new baby is new to her too, and she may not want to share mama so she's getting in as much as she can. To her, *she* is your nursling. The baby is just someone getting in her way right now, so she wants what is hers and what she knows, and probably without wanting to have to share.


Man, I'm at the end of that and I couldn't figure out how I felt but now I know-I'm mourning. I am mourning my 3.5 yo being done. I thought I couldn't wait for the day to come and now I'm sad that it did. I know this will sound
right now, but enjoy it. These days go by so very very fast.
 

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from me too...I could have written this 4-5 months ago. DS was (and is) also spirited/high-needs and nursed ALL THE TIME during DD's first few months. When we were going through that I hated tandeming 99% of the time. Now that DD is almost 8 months, I only hate it about 80% of the time. :LOL Still, weaning DS really isn't an option and if I had it to do over again, I really doubt I would do anything different.

Hang in there momma!
 

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I could have written your post. There are days...moments...when I really love it, but for the most part I feel like you do. My ds just turned 2 today and my dd will be 3 months on the 26th. I am feeling accomplished at making it 2 years, at nursing through a pregnancy, for tandem, but at the same time I feel like screaming every time he comes to me whining for milkies. I wish I had some advice for you. Hopefully someone will have wonderful words of wisdom to share...I'll be looking for them too


2
 

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I'm so there with you. I just say no. I'll probably get kicked off MDC someday
, but I started saying no to dd when I was pregnant. Now, if she asks during the day, I tell her she can have it at bed time. (even then I don't really enjoy it anymore
).
 

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I have had times like that too. It's hard, when they aren't using their manners. The thing is, while we want to respect their need to nurse, they also are old enough to have some empathy towards OUR needs. It doesn't seem possible because she seems like such a baby.... but then again, you can see how big she is. If you haven't been talking a lot about needs, start vocalizing needs to your toddler. "Oh, I can see that you are sad. Feeling sad hurts, doesn't it? Do you need a hug?" "Mommy is feeling really tired. Feeling tired is sad. I need a little rest. Let's all lay down and rest." When she starts to empathize with your needs (she may at this point not realize you have needs, after all!) then you can start to vocalize your need NOT to nurse. You can come up with compromises together... "You need ni ni right now, but I need NO-nini right now, what if we read a book and snuggle instead?" I tell my 18 mos old, "I need you not to pinch me while you have ni ni."

I hope this helps somewhat. I remember when Boo went through this stage, and Belen is doing it now at 18 mos (she's precocious I guess LOL) and there are times when Daddy has to step in and tell baby firmly "Mommy needs Rest time. Daddy will take you on a walk." And just walk away and leave mommy alone for a while.

I find a mother's helper invaluable, too. A 10 to 13 year old girl or boy can make an excellent helper for an hour or even two, and most will be quite happy if you offer them a dollar or two for their time. The helper can sit and play blocks with your toddler, read a story... some really responsible and adept kids can even take your toddler out for a walk or in a fenced yard. I've even had some helpers who will do a chore for me, like load the dishwasher, fold clothes or clean my bathroom!
 

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I'm really afraid this is too negative to post -- but when I was in the same situation, I wonder if a really honest discussion with my pro-bfing friends would have helped me make some better choices -- instead I think I was afraid to even consider weaning child 1. It just wasn't an option for me.

It's been 10 years since I faced this, but I remember how awful it was.

In hindsight, would it have been so awful if I'd just told the first child no? He was 2.5 when his sister was born, and he nursed till he was 4, and she had just a few months as an only-nurser when she self-weaned near her second birthday when I was pregnant with 3. I was so relieved to not face tandem nursing again, but so sad that dd got short-changed on both ends. I still remember how she looked up into my face and said "I drank it all up mama" and after that when she asked a few times to nurse, I said, "remember? you drank it all up!" I was petrified she would start up again.

So why couldn't I just wean him? I don't know. I was so miserable responding to his needs 90% of the time ( it felt like) while she lay there patiently. It really affected my bonding with her, which happily resolved itself when she was 6 or 7, and I suddenly realized I wasn't pretending anymore -- I really did love her as deeply as the others. But that's a long time to wait. And I think I became really angry at my son because he just couldn't move on, and I couldn't help him. It was a bitter feeling.

Now I wonder if I hadn't felt that nursing and parenting were exactly the same thing -- could I have found a way to be a little more light-hearted, make the issue less intense for him, defuse the situation and redirect him to other things besides nursing. Maybe paid more attention to handing him fluids before he asked...or getting him out of the house more, to playdates or even childcare/preschool. Instead, I just felt torn apart and unable to cope with his rage except to nurse him. Maybe it was just too soon for him to be an older brother -- but I couldn't change that. It's hard to be sure, but I think it wasn't good for him to continue to be the center of our world after child 2 came along -- he missed a life lesson somehow.

Amazingly, we got through that time. Eventually our family developed more balance -- partly because my spouse and I began to focus more on each other. My dd number two and I had a great nursing relationship for 3+ years, and ds number two is going strong at 3+ now -- but I never attempted tandem nursing again -- it was just too hard.
 

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I tandem nursed my two youngest for about 4 months. They were 12 months apart and therefore I didn't feel myself getting angry with him since he was still a baby himself. However he self weaned himself at 16 months just like my first ds! Even though I wasn't ready to stop nursing him he was ready to let go. Which brings me to my point...nursing children should continue as long as both mother and child are happy. If I found myself hating it I think I would have weaned him. After all...here it comes...she is 2 and does not need it as bad as your babe does to survive. so I (yes my opinion to all of you clenching your tight fists
) think you should do what you feel is right in your heart..and if that means continue to nurse then fine, if that means weaning your precious dd then so be it..don't let anyone pressure you into anything. do what is best for you and your family and good luck! tandem nursing isn't easy and more power to you for trying!
 

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I just wanted to tell you that alot of people feel resentful of their older child's needs when they have a second. I didn't nurse my son at all and when my daughter was born (she is still nursing) I felt the same about him. I didn't want him to jump on me, I didn't want to have to rock him to sleep for 45 minutes, I didn't want to have to answer his endless questions, etc. etc. You are focusing on the nursing because that seems like the biggest issue right now but you might very well still feel the same irritation even if you don't nurse anymore. I did not really feel rebonded to my son for over a year. And now he is 4.5 and I wish I could go back and enjoy all those crazy days. Maybe if you stop focusing so much on the negative and look at the positive aspects then things won't look so bleak. Can you go out more so she isn't thinking about it all the time? How about getting her some special small toys or books or even *gasp* video for some down time from her. How about DH taking her out or even just somewhere else to play when he comes home? I learned when I had my second that I didn't WANT to better my attitude. I wanted to be upset because I felt to put out and frustrated. I now realize that deep down I wanted everyone to agree that my life was really hard and what I was experiencing was unfair. Guess what? No one ever did and I wasted over a year b!tching about my circumstances instead of trying to make positive changes. I wish now I could go back and redo that time and realize that while it may not seem like it in the moment it really DOES go by very, very quickly.
 
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