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<p>And I'm not kidding.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She just left after staying with us for a week. That is the most amount of time I've spent with her at one time in probably 20 years. I really don't like her. We have very little in common. She likes to play the helpless female game. She is horribly passive aggressive with a selective memory. She never has anything nice to say about anyone. She is a horrible gossip and always tells me stories that are negative about people I hardly know, partly I think it's because she is very uncomfortable with silence.</p>
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<p>She is completely self centered and oblivious to the realities of other people around her. Oh you mean the baby might need a nap, forget it she isn't done shopping. Oh you mean you are on a special diet for medical reasons, forget it she still tries to feed you stuff you can't have. The whole world revolves around her but she is very accomplished at making it appear she is just totally wonderful and you are the crazy person. My sisters husband has basically banned her from staying with them ever again because he drives her insane.</p>
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<p>She is obsessed to an unnatural level with my daughter, and paranoid that she will move out of state to live with her boyfriend. At the same time she is trying to get my daughter to move cross country and stay with her because she is retired now ( there is no way my daughter would ever want to go stay with her). She always gets us sick when she visits. I don't know what it is but she is always sick when she comes and she knows it and comes anyway she is completely inconsiderate that way. And this time she got both me and my dd sick, and apparently told my daughter I got her sick, sigh.  She is always trying to buy peoples affections.</p>
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<p>It is sad to say but she basically ruins every holiday she attends because I just can't be myself around her. Even my dd has noticed that she is always watching us. I feel like I'm a lab rat she is observing. She complains to my sister that I don't tell her I love her and that I don't talk to her about personal things. Well, of course I don't she is a massive gossip and I know I can't trust her. Anything she finds out she immediately tells everyone she knows.</p>
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<p>She lies to your face. She lied to my sister and showed up on her doorstep at midnight and told her that I had disinvited her to stay with us ( this was on a previous visit) because she wanted to stay at my sisters house because she had a spare bedroom and we didn't at the time. When you call her on her crap, as I've done many times in the past she just pretends it's a misunderstanding. My sister just basically ignores it now knowing that is just the way she is but I hate the game playing. When we do get together it's because she has invited herself and I don't have the heart to say no. I usually only see her maybe 2-3 times a year since we live in different states but now we have moved so far away with no other family nearby that this time she stayed with us for a week. Honestly, I don't want her to come again. I'm fine with casual email contact but that is it. I'm just so sick of her crap and drama.</p>
 

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<img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"><br><br>
I just wanted to offer a hug/support since I read your post. I've recently made it a point to keep people like that out of my life; luckily my parent's aren't like that. It has to be extra tough since she's your mother.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks<br><br><br><br>
Oh and I just reread my post and want to apologize for it's length, lol<br><br>
I need to edit in some more paragraph breaks too
 

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<p>  <img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"></p>
 

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<p>Sounds so familiar, I'm sorry.  I haven't spoken to my mother since I was pg with my oldest, about 12 years now.  :(  There are things I miss, but I don't miss the drama!  In this last year I realized my mother's label is narcissist & their are interesting books on being raised by narcissists. </p>
 

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<p>:hugs I totally understand. My mother is wonderful with my boys. But also so freaking obnoxious (any little bump/hurt elicits an "ohh ow ow ow ow ow!! That must hurt really bad!! Oh ow! OW OW!!! - this even after they've stopped crying. Seriously obnoxious.). As I've told lots of people: I love my mother. But I don't like her. If she was anyone else in the world besides my mother I would not give her the time of day. So hugs. Seriously, seriously hugs. Mom's suck.</p>
 

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<p>Remember she isn't your best friend... she's your MOTHER. She cared for you 24/7 feeding and cleaning you for the good amount of 18  years. Was up all hours of the night making sure you survived.</p>
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<p>There are ways for you to cope and it may be better for you to get counseling and coping mechanisms on how to deal with behavior that doesn't suit you. There ARE ways to deal with things besides anger and resentment. There are ways to teach her how you want to be treated without being cruel.</p>
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<p>She obviously loves you very much and I hope you can make amends in your heart with her.</p>
 

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<img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"> I know you're feeling exasperated, but I do think you'll feel better next week. I suggest that you just take some time to breathe. Later think of some ways that you can put more boundaries around her visits. One week is a long time.
 

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<p>(((Giant Sympathy Hugs)))</p>
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<p>We have not had (allowed) my MIL and FIL to stay with us for about 4 years.  It was one of the best decisions we ever made. </p>
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<p>I am very sorry it was so stressful.  Toxic Parents and other books on Narcisisstic (sp?) parents would be a great resource for you.</p>
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<p>Take care of yourself and your family first.  Hard advice to follow but you don't want her influencing your daughters they way she does you.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #10
<p>I read Toxic Parents years ago. I've always known she was out there, even as a kid I was plotting my escape from her in elementary school. What I have posted here is really the mild stuff and just the tip of the iceberg. There is a bunch more stuff that is much much worse that I won't post online.  I left home at 16 and I've have an on again off again ( because she always finds me from some other relative ) relationship/contact. She once sent the police to my house because we didn't answer the phone for days and she was scared we had a gas leak (all in her head) and could all be dead and no one knew. :rolleyes we had gone out of town and didn't tell her sigh.</p>
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<p>As for the, she raised me and made sure I survived crap. Honestly I don't care. The random act of nature that resulted in her being my bio mother does not mean that I'm obligated to deal with her crap for the rest of my life. This is the internet and I'm not going to post my whole life story but really after almost 50 years of being her daughter and doing tons of work myself on this, she isn't worth it.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>babygirlie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282195/i-hate-to-say-this-but-i-know-i-would-be-happier-if-i-never-saw-my-mother-again#post_16078393"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Remember she isn't your best friend... she's your MOTHER. She cared for you 24/7 feeding and cleaning you for the good amount of 18  years. Was up all hours of the night making sure you survived.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There are ways for you to cope and it may be better for you to get counseling and coping mechanisms on how to deal with behavior that doesn't suit you. There ARE ways to deal with things besides anger and resentment. There are ways to teach her how you want to be treated without being cruel.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She obviously loves you very much and I hope you can make amends in your heart with her.</p>
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How do you know that??  I mean the feeding and caring and up all hours of the night???</p>
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<p>To hear my grandmother tell it she was the wonderful mother and my mom was so wrong to cut her out of her life.   However, the truth was my grandma dumped my mom on anybody who would take her while she ran around with man after man.  My great grandma who never said an unkind word about anyone basically said she begged her to take care of my mom and be a good mother but it didn't work. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Outsiders who don't know what my grandma put her through say how they can't imagine a daughter not being around her mother.  And I'm sure several have said she's being cruel to cut her out.</p>
 

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<p>Sorry, I also have to disagree with you babygirlie.  mommaof3boz brings up a good point.</p>
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<p>It is perfectly ok to not like your mother.  There is no sense trying to force yourself to feel otherwise if it's just not there and you never get what you need from her anyway.  It is a hard thing to admit that you just don't care for your mom.  Everyone is supposed to love and feel gratitude towards their mom, aren't they <span><img alt="rolleyes.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif">?</span></p>
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<p>I feel the same way about my mom, Arduinna.  Sure, the lady fed me and kept me alive, all hours of the night I'm sure, but she also terrorized me, verbally abused me, and beat me.  I'm pretty sure loved me in her own weird way, so does that mean I'm supposed to feel eternally beholden to her because she fulfilled the bare basics?  She walks around like she has these awful children and can't figure out why they hate her, and then denies everything she has ever done and turns it around on you, and then cries because "after all she's done for you", how can I treat her that way?  I actually know people that think my mother is the Virgin Mary, complete with a stellar sense of humor, and they tell me, "wow, you are so lucky to have her for your mom."  If they only knew.  The drama never stops.</p>
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<p>Boundaries are a great thing, OP.  I can see why you would have her over for the holidays, since you are in a new part of the country, may not have the family/friends around to make a truly festive occasion, and maybe a little part of you was hoping that you could have a normal holiday for once (I'm just throwing that out there, having done the same thing in the past).</p>
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<p>So...she's not coming for Christmas too, is she?</p>
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<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mommaof3boz</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282195/i-hate-to-say-this-but-i-know-i-would-be-happier-if-i-never-saw-my-mother-again#post_16079242"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>babygirlie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282195/i-hate-to-say-this-but-i-know-i-would-be-happier-if-i-never-saw-my-mother-again#post_16078393"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Remember she isn't your best friend... she's your MOTHER. She cared for you 24/7 feeding and cleaning you for the good amount of 18  years. Was up all hours of the night making sure you survived.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There are ways for you to cope and it may be better for you to get counseling and coping mechanisms on how to deal with behavior that doesn't suit you. There ARE ways to deal with things besides anger and resentment. There are ways to teach her how you want to be treated without being cruel.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She obviously loves you very much and I hope you can make amends in your heart with her.</p>
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How do you know that??  I mean the feeding and caring and up all hours of the night???</p>
<p> </p>
<p>To hear my grandmother tell it she was the wonderful mother and my mom was so wrong to cut her out of her life.   However, the truth was my grandma dumped my mom on anybody who would take her while she ran around with man after man.  My great grandma who never said an unkind word about anyone basically said she begged her to take care of my mom and be a good mother but it didn't work. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Outsiders who don't know what my grandma put her through say how they can't imagine a daughter not being around her mother.  And I'm sure several have said she's being cruel to cut her out.</p>
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<p>Yea,sounds like you would be better off.Either be honest and state what you wrote here,or avoid her and decline ALL visits she wants to invite herself for.</p>
<p>Life is way to short to spend it with wasteful and negative people.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #14
<p>She is not coming for Christmas. I didn't invite her for Thanksgiving even, she basically invited herself and I didn't have the heart to tell her no. At this point I'm not even planning on answering the phone if she calls and I'm ignoring her emails just because I don't want to talk to her. Your description of your mom sounds just like my mom too. She knows how to be on her best behavior around other people and growing up my friends thought she was the coolest mom ever. It took years for my dh to finally see through her game and see her true colors. Like I said, I usually only see her maybe 2-3 times a year even when we lived closer we have been out of state, and I only saw her for holidays and even then she only came over for the afternoon and was staying with my sister not us. That was tolerable. But now we live 2k miles away and so we can't just visit for the afternoon and we have no other family here she can stay with.<br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>~Boudicca~</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282195/i-hate-to-say-this-but-i-know-i-would-be-happier-if-i-never-saw-my-mother-again#post_16079450"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Sorry, I also have to disagree with you babygirlie.  mommaof3boz brings up a good point.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It is perfectly ok to not like your mother.  There is no sense trying to force yourself to feel otherwise if it's just not there and you never get what you need from her anyway.  It is a hard thing to admit that you just don't care for your mom.  Everyone is supposed to love and feel gratitude towards their mom, aren't they <span><img alt="rolleyes.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif">?</span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>I feel the same way about my mom, Arduinna.  Sure, the lady fed me and kept me alive, all hours of the night I'm sure, but she also terrorized me, verbally abused me, and beat me.  I'm pretty sure loved me in her own weird way, so does that mean I'm supposed to feel eternally beholden to her because she fulfilled the bare basics?  She walks around like she has these awful children and can't figure out why they hate her, and then denies everything she has ever done and turns it around on you, and then cries because "after all she's done for you", how can I treat her that way?  I actually know people that think my mother is the Virgin Mary, complete with a stellar sense of humor, and they tell me, "wow, you are so lucky to have her for your mom."  If they only knew.  The drama never stops.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Boundaries are a great thing, OP.  I can see why you would have her over for the holidays, since you are in a new part of the country, may not have the family/friends around to make a truly festive occasion, and maybe a little part of you was hoping that you could have a normal holiday for once (I'm just throwing that out there, having done the same thing in the past).</p>
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<p>So...she's not coming for Christmas too, is she?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><br>
 </p>
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<p>I'm so sorry, that must be really hard. <img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"></p>
 

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<p>I hear you. </p>
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<p>(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))</p>
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<p>Hope you have a loving, peaceful Christmas.</p>
 

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<p>Thanks, our Christmas is great this year. My mom is at my sisters in another state LOL</p>
 

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<p>Lucky you! <span><img alt="wink1.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/wink1.gif"></span></p>
 

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<p>:hugs</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I can totally relate, although my issues with my mother are mostly different. Boundaries are very good; maybe your family can strategize how to support one another during her next visit- it sounds like you all feel the effects of her behavior.</p>
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<p>I hope you enjoy your Christmas!</p>
 
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