[Galatea]

There is a thread in the Pregnancy and Birth Loss forum called "Did you just know" or something like that. Anyway, it is about some women who feel they always somehow knew that their babies would not live, and that according to a grief counselor, that is a common feeling. This really upset me. This entire pregnancy I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Each time I bled during the 1st trimester, I was pretty calm and accepting that the baby would have died. Now I think he will have a cord accident. The worst part was last night, I had a dream that I wasn't pregnant anymore and had lots of milk and kept trying to nurse some puppies, but I couldn't figure out why I didn't have a baby to nurse. I woke up and it was so obvious, that the dream was that I would not have a baby to nurse, and I am even more upset. I haven't said anything to dh b/c I don't want to freak him out, and he doesn't like me to go to that forum anyway. But what if all my depressing thoughts really are true? How do I stop thinking about this? Does everyone have these negative thoughts, but only some babies die? I even think I have to go to the hospital now instead of the birth center, b/c at the hospital I can have the continuous fetal monitoring, so he can't die without me knowing it. Do you think maybe it is b/c it is my 2nd baby so I know how terrible it would be, whereas with ds I didn't know how much I would love him?

 

[AllyRae]

I had that a lot with my first son...I was convinced that I wouldn't come home with a baby. But, he's 18 months old now and perfectly healthy. I think a lot of mamas go through those feelings...I know that even now, if I don't feel kicks for a few hours, I poke and prod and do anything I can to get some movement. I just think it's really harad to comprehend that another human being is going to be coming into the family. It's almost like a dream until it actually happens and the baby is born.

So, you're not alone...and I don't think that all of the feelings come true...

 

[Galatea]

Thanks for the support. I, too, hope that it is just that - difficulty imagining a new person.

I just remembered another dream I had 2 nights ago - that I had a baby who was conceived in August and born in May - if my baby died now and I tried to get pregnant again immediately, that might be true. More things to freak out over.

 

[Katt2005]

I'm sorry your having these feelings. I know they are so hard to deal with. I don't think they are all true, cause I honestly think EVERYONE I know delt with those feeling at some point during their pg. Think of it this way. Its like when your mom told you to slow down when you drive you'll get a ticket. And finally one day you do get a ticket, and she say's I told you so. Its like eventually someones gonna be right and be like I knew it, ya know.
I have been getting those thoughts and feelings too. I think its a whole part of the unknown thing. They could have hair, they could have big lips, they could be early they could be late. We honestly don't know much, LOL. If you are really worried, maybe see if you can get an U/S, just for reasurrance. *HUGS*

 

[melissel]

ITA with the others, I was convinced through my whole first pregnancy that I was going to come home without a baby somehow, and I still have those feelings this time too. I make plans and arrange logistics and see the midwives and have all the tests done like normal, but every once in a while this feeling of unreality hits and I'm just convinced it's not really going to happen. I think it's a natural response to a HUGE life-changing event, and one that we are so intensely emotionally invested in. Maybe it's a defense mechanism to prevent ourselves from getting too attached (fat chance!). I had bleeding in the first trimester too, and I know I consciously kept myself from thinking about a new baby very much, because I was afraid of what might happen.

Also, your dreams are normal too. It's apparently really common to dream about birthing or nursing animals or weird creatures and wonder where your baby is. I didn't have any nursing/birthing dreams the first time (couldn't really fathom either one!), but I was always dreaming about observing small animals, like lizards.

Big (((HUGS))) to you, try to stay calm and maybe talk to your health care providers about it, let them reassure you.

Oh, and edited to add, it's very possible it's because it's your second baby. With Bella, I was not very worried about miscarriage, I just kind of thought, "It's so common, there's nothing I can do about it, why worry?" This time, with the bleeding, I tried to be strong and thought I was doing OK, but when my 8 week US showed a normal pregnancy, I thought I was going to break down and cry with relief. And I had such a hard time bonding with this PG out of the fear of a possible loss in the beginning, because I DID know what was at stake.

 

[tug]

i agree with everything the pps have said. i think it's natural to worry and i think lots of us have/had nightmares of catastrophic things. i wish we could change that. try to relax. i know i would read the threads (esp the cord accident one) right before my babe was born and i would totally freak. probably, we should just avoid those kinds of threads. sending you lots of warm thoughts and hugs.

 

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Galatea Do you think maybe it is b/c it is my 2nd baby so I know how terrible it would be, whereas with ds I didn't know how much I would love him?

s

I think it is perfectly normal to have these thoughts but that doesn't mean something is necessarily wrong. I think it's hormones messing w/our minds more than anything. I know I've had much more worry over this pregnancy (even though I have no reason to) than I did w/Ross b/c I know so much more than I knew with him. I'm always wondering if the baby is okay. If he/she stops moving for a little bit I worry. If I have too much time to just sit and think I think about what could go wrong. If I have a dream about some freak accident I worry about it the whole next day. Let's face it. Pregnancy (high risk and no risk) is filled w/soooo many emotions and not all of them are happy.

I think, especially with #2 (or more), we're so much more aware of things and it makes for that much more worry. Try to relax and know that we're all probably experiencing similar feelings here. Thank goodness we have each other to talk things over with.

s

 

[mom2threenurslings]

I had the same type of paranoia when pregnant with Alex and Zack. I lost a baby at age 15 and had a m/c 3 weeks before conceiving Alex, so his pregnancy was a rollercoaster. I was so scared I'd lose him, had dreams to that effect and even had thoughts that he'd be stillborn while I was pushing (and hearing his heartbeat on the monitor!). He was born blue and lifeless and had to be "helped out" with his breathing for a couple minutes, but turned out completley fine.

When pg with Zachary, I was still worried, but the paranoia went away toward the end of the pregnancy.

When pg with Haley, I wasn't worried at all and was completely confident that she'd be fine.

This time around I'm incredibly paranoid, have had all sorts of scary dreams, including of having birthed a baby, but not being able to find it....of family being at my house after birth and everyone being sad and talking in low tones around me - again, me not being able to find my baby. It's scary. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know SO MANY THINGS that can go wrong, know a mama whose baby died shortly after birth, etc. I think the more info we have, the worse, sometimes!!! Also, the fact that I haven't had an ultrasound and haven't "seen" that all is well is stressing me out a bit - yet I refuse to have an u/s unless absolutely necessary!

(I drive myself crazy sometimes!).

I do believe that some moms just "know." I also believe that most of the time, it's just "normal" pregnancy worries grown out of control by mamas who know and have experienced so much.

to you!!!

Do whatever will help you feel better ... I've known moms who have had similar feelings and have gotten an additional ultrasound or two to calm their fears....have asked midwives to listen to baby every 15-20 minutes throughout labor just to be sure, etc.

 

[sarahloughmiller]

I think those feeling are normal, like everyone else said. Pregnancy dreams can be so weird sometimes & I really don't think they mean much. I had a dream we took the babies to hospital after they were born and lost one and then finally found it on a huge ice cube and the baby was all blue and looked horrible. I do think some people just know, but I think a lot of people think they know and then have healthy babies. I would just do whatever makes you feel better & whatever you feel you need to do to have a healthy baby. if that means being hooked up to the monitors the whole labor then do it. If you will just be worried and stressed the whole labor if you are not hooked up, then you are probably better off being hooked up so you can relax and have your baby.

to you, I hope you can find peace with this

 

[meowee]

I can tell you that I spent my entire 3rd pregnancy feeling like I was walking around with a time bomb strapped to my stomach. I had heavy bleeding throughout the 1rst and 2nd trimester. I had horrendous nausea which I know was stress related, so I gained very little weight. My baby moved once every 24 hours. I would eat chocolate in a desperate effort to get her to move. I was convinced, many times, that she had died in utero.

She was born full term, kind of tiny, but healthy, and she is on the sofa watching me right now. Fears are difficult to separate from true premonitions. I also do no believe most dreams can be considered true premonitions. I do believe in psychic stuff, though.

I may get flamed for this, but I believe that we should follow our intuitions about where we should give birth, even if it leads us to a hospital. You just need to figure out if this is an irrational fear (very common during pregnancy) or a true intuition. The only true intuition I had during a pregnancy was with my 4th, I knew the labor would be horrendous and traumatic for me. I knew this the second I found out I was pregnant. Sure enough, it turned out to be the case. That was a homebirth. Some could say it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I feel this was a true promition.

 

[Music-mommy]

Hi there,

I am pregnant with my second, and I have had many fears this pregnancy. What I am more afraid of than the baby dieing is having a very sick child or down's syndrome or some other birth defect. Last time I had none of these fears.

I think it has something to do with me always thinking "this is too good to be true". I think I have a great DH, a great daughter, a great life, and maybe it's my time to have some hardship. I also had a mc a couple of years ago, which has added to the fear that bad things can happen.

I also know a lady who recently gave birth, and her son died a few days later due to severe brain damage. So that has scared me somewhat.

I'm not sure if you're homebirthing, but if anything the constant fetal monitoring would put your baby at higher risk of birth complications. I think people shoudl birth where they're comfortable, but if you up until now, planned a hb, then you would probably be disappointed with a hospital birth.

 

[curlyfry]

I too am having fears about the baby. I mean, I keep picturing going to go into labor, being at the hospital, delivering the baby, and that's it...I can't actually picture having the baby. I was wondering if this was intuition or something, but now I know, because of this thread, that I'm not alone!

Lilli...hang in there, o.k.? As you can see, you're not alone.

 

[allbrightmama]

You are definately not alone. I worry about this baby coming too early. I pour over info about survival rates for premature babies. I have dreams about giving birth to a tiny little boy. It feels so real that I have a hard time picturing myself delivering at term. I try to meditate on the baby developing and growing and being born at 40 weeks. Okay, sometimes 39 weeks.

I just don't want to dwell on it so much that I make it happen.
My biggest fear when pregnant with ds was being separated from him at the hospital. I am delivering at a birth center this time so I think that fear has twisted itself to accomodate the new circumstances. Now the NICU and death are my biggest fears. I feel so much better knowing that others are feeling similar things. Admitting it is helping me too.

 

[bmanmommy]

I don't know about everyone else, but I've been reading some other due date boards too. One in particular has been so sad lately, and I think it has contributed to my fears. (I can't even type them.) Maybe it does have a little to do with it being the second pregnancy (for me) too. I went into labor with DS 4 weeks early, and had no thoughts about that happening prior to my water breaking. I don't remember being worried about much of anything during the pregnancy. I wasn't even nervous for labor. This time, I know what labor is like and have to admit I'm a bit nervous (though working on it). And life in general is like that if I think about it. If I allow myself to worry...if I have the thoughts and dwell on them, they build and feel more and more real. But if I have the thought (whatever it is) and cast it away, it isn't nearly so bothersome. And often, it goes away. Guess that's what I need to do now. On top of keeping my nose out of negative stories, etc. as much as possible. Sometimes if I'm feeling fearful, I just speak (out loud) the opposite (positively). It's harder to think negatively if you're speaking positively. Okay...now I'm going to take my own advice. Thanks for this thread.

 

[marieangela]

I would have to agree with others who say that it's not unusual to feel this way. I had a perfectly normal pregnancy and had no idea that anything was wrong when I lost my first baby. The whole time I was pregnant with ds, I had nightmares and fears of all kinds of things that could go wrong, but nothing did. I just had a normal, healthy pregnancy and a perfect little boy. This time I'm doing a bit better at blocking things out, but I do still worry sometimes that something bad will happen and there will be no signs. I think it definitely has helped that I don't read the pregnancy and birth loss type things anymore. I was reading a lot of pregnancy after loss type things when I was pregnant with ds and just learning more and more things to worrry about. I say do what you need to do to feel comfortable for the birth and talk to your dh if you really feel that it would help.

 

[sarahloughmiller]

I had dreams 2 nights in a row that one of the babies died. In the dreams he died at this point in my pregnancy and I had to stay pregnant until the other baby was ready to come out. It was horrible, I would go places and people would ask if I was having twins and I would say yes, but one of them is dead. I know dreams like these are normal, but it still scares me. It is so hard to tell anymore which baby is kicking because their feet are all in the same place so I can't tell by kicks if they are still both OK. My SIL misscarried last week, so maybe that has something to do with it. I am not usually one to worry too much about things like this.

 

[bri276]

I'm due in July but I had to stop by and say I've felt the same way all along. Two prior m/c's probably contributed to this feeling but it's finally started to ease up the past couple weeks- I really confronted it and got it out in the open and told myself it's time to stop torturing myself with these feelings and get on with life. It's very difficult. When you really stop to think about what you are doing to yourself by having this internal dialogue that says your baby is going to die- imagine if it were someone else saying these things to you. What kind of terrible person would try to convince you your baby won't make it when there is absolutely no reason to believe that? Yet I'd been doing it to myself for 8.5 months. Now I push those thoughts out when they come and replace them with positive ones.
For me, I honestly think a lot of it has to do with antepartum depression and hormone surges. I really feel for you because it's such a hard thing to go thru during what should be such a happy time. I don't know about you but just reading this thread made me feel better to know I'm not the only one who had these thoughts!

 

[bri276]

oh- and honestly, you should probably stop going to the loss forum. Obviously we all have truly loving and caring feelings towards all the mamas there but your mind, heart and baby need you to not dwell on possibilities like that right now- I know I can't handle it. I feel guilty for not being able to handle it, and I wish I could go in and give support and stay calm, but I can't, and maybe it's asking too much of yourself to read stories like those and then trying to overcome them.

 

[momof1sofar]

Let's all make a pact to stay away from the Loss forum for the duration of our pregnancies! I clicked on a thread from the main page about 2 days ago and have been freaking out ever since. It was also one where the mom said she "just knew" and it seemed to validate every worry I've had.

I am so glad there is a place for grieving parents here on MDC to get support, but I am going to have to send my healing thoughts in a general way and not know specifics right now. It's just too stressful.

 

[wenat]

I'm at 28 weeks today, which is a HUGE milestone for me for personal reasons. At 28 weeks with DS#1, my sister-in-law delivered her first son. She was only 24 weeks pregnant.

He lived for 10 agonizing days, with lots of medical support. At this stage last time, I was in the NICU touching his frail skin, and looking at his tiny 1-lb body inside the incubator. It turned out that she had an incompetent cervix, and she did deliver another little boy, full-term, last year, after she had her cervix stitched closed.

DS#1 was actually 10 days late, so I don't seem to have any problems carrying full-term babies. But I'm still glad to hit the 28 week mark. At 24 weeks, babies have a 50/50 chance of surviving. At 28 weeks (which most of us are getting to), it's more like a 90% chance, according to my doctor at the time.

Although I will confess to being worried when I don't feel a kick for a while, and then I go and drink some water to make the baby kick me.