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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ds spent two nights with Mil.. and his absence really made the problems in my marriage glaringly apparent.<br><br>
We are just roommates with totally different lives. All we really have in common in ds.<br><br>
I work nights, at a job I utterly loathe. I have not been happy in my work in years, but I make much more money than dh can. He sees that working nights is killing my health.. he KNOWS I hate every minute at my job.. but do I get ANY gratitude, appreciation or affection? Nope. Even though I had to give up my dream of going back to school to keep us afloat.. even though he has been able to work on his art and HE is now up for a GREAT job (that pays pretty much nothing).. I get NO appreciation or support for my sacrifices. And YES, I am getting very very BITTER about it all.<br><br>
Anyway.. I have to sleep during the day. Dh had a woodworking project.. that is why ds was at MIL's.<br>
He came home just as I was getting ready to leave for the hellhole I work in. No affection, no hello, nothing. He talked on the phone the whole time, then plunked himself in front of the computer.<br><br>
There is no affection between us. I have lost a lot of respect for him because of my constant sacrifices. He wants sex.. but I don't feel like having sex with someone who shows me no appreciation or respect.<br><br>
When ds is home, and we focus on him.. things are bearable.<br>
But with him gone.. I realized I have absolutely nothing else in my life.<br>
No real marriage.. no meaningful work.. no hobbies (I actually USED to be an interesting person) no time to myself, nothing. I don't exercise or eat well anymore because of my schedule.. any spare time I have is spent cleaning the house because DH is such a slob.<br><br>
I realised today I would leave him in a split second and become an impoverished student if not for ds. I feel I am sacrificing all my own happiness for ds.... but I guess that's the deal when you become a parent.<br><br>
I don't feel unhappiness is a good enough reason to split up ds's family.<br>
So I am stuck, with a job I loathe, a job schedule that is killing me, and a non-marriage.<br><br>
Funny.. so many SAHMS here say they can't leave because they have no money.<br>
I make ALL the money right now. but I can't leave either.<br>
There is something horrifically ironic there.. and very telling about the lives of women.
 

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Have you told him what you want? I don't mean have you told him you would rather be in grad school. Have you told him what behavior would signal to you that he continues to love and respect you?<br><br>
I am really sorry that you didn't get the chance to do that graduate work you wanted to do. I remember when you were making those plans, you discussed them here. That's a drag. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I don't know whether you would have found what you were looking for in that degree, but you do deserve a chance to pursue your own goals. There has to be some balance of needs in a family.<br><br>
I never get why men in het. relationships feel like their needs and goals are primary, but it does seem to go that way a lot!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Oh, Captain, I have told him and told him.<br>
I have told him I feel my work is soul-killing, and that I don't think I can change careers without going back to school.<br><br>
I have told him flat out I do not feel cherished or valued by him... I have told him why.. and I have told him what I'd need for that to change.<br><br>
I have told him flat out I would leave him if not for ds.<br>
I think he is daring me to do it, by refusing to change any of his behavior or supporting me in my goals.<br><br>
He is a wonderful father though.<br>
I don't think it would be best for ds to be separated from him.
 

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asherah, I am so sorry you are going through this.<br><br>
I admire you. You have always given me such food for soul-thought. You are a strong, intelligent woman with so much to offer..so many,many gifts.<br><br>
What you are going through sounds very,very difficult. I have been down a similar road, and sat at the very same crossroads as you now are sitting.<br><br>
It's tough. There are no *easy* solutions, though you'd never know that by the divorce statisitics. There is no instant solution, no way to make someone change into someone you truly want to be with heart and soul.<br><br>
People change and grow, sometimes into strangers. It happens. More than even the happily married couple of 45 years even wants to admit.<br><br>
It sucks to feel lonely. It totally sucks to be underappreciated, then asked to *have sex* by the person underappreciating you..and then not having them understand.<br><br>
I wish I had an answer for you that would make it all better..I divorced. It did make a huge difference for the better, but do not let anyone ever tell you its easy..it is a death, it is an ultimate failure..worse than a mere break up, worse than the end of a friendship. You feel like you failed at the most important of relationships..even if you know you werent the one the most at fault..you play the blame game endlessly.<br><br>
So..thats the truthful part..the other truth? I know who I am again. I lost me, somewhere down that road. I have now found me again, but it took a loong time, and i still have days I am lost. This doesnt mean I think ending your marriage is the solution for you..just telling you finding self is something anyone can do..and you already have suck a strong sense of YOU, that this part won't be hard.<br><br>
PM me if you would like to talk anytime. I can't promise I have an answer, but I can listen. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Karen
 

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I'm there too.. not in a job I hate, since I love being a SAHM, but that I dont really have a relationship with this person. We dont hug or kiss, he made me carry 6 bags of garbage down the stairs and out to the bins in -40 weather because he was too busy playing his videogame and rolling a joint. We dont really talk and all he does is either make fun of me, or bitch at me for annoying him. That is his main thing, all I do is annoy him<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I hope you figure something out..
 

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I am there with you too.<br>
Some days I think- wow - things are looking up- only to be HUGELY disappointed!<br>
Every day I feel like screaming- if you do not like me- JUST TELL ME!!!!!<br>
Some days he is ok- and even bearable or likeable- but some of the time- I just have this horrid feeling that I made this huge mistake- and I do not know how to fix it.....<br>
Emilie
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hmm. Maybe if I told him I was going to seek comfort ELSEWHERE?<br>
Not that there is a comfort candidate...<br>
But there COULD be, dammit.
 

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I know how you feel!<br>
Like hey- YOU ARE NOT MEETING MY NEEDS!!!!<br>
I NEED YOU!!!!- LISTEN TO ME!!! RIGHT!<br>
But I definetly do not think that would work to threaten cheating...<br>
I do not know what to tell you. I am trying to be all that my husband wants me to be- keeping the house nice- getting the laundry done, folded put up- dishes done- everything picked up- and he still bitches at me to CLEAN UP!!! I am saying- WHAT IS SO MESSY- and he finds the littlest thing- I say we do LIVE HERE!!!- I am not perfect- but I am trying.... I think my dh uses anything he can to play mad at me so he does not have to hang out with me.<br>
I gave up me for him- I really did. I enjoy my son and my ability to stay at home- but I would love to be married to someone who acted like he loved me- not just said it when he was supposed to.<br>
Emilie
 

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Maybe he is feeling bad because he knows how much you have to sacrifice to keep the family afloat, and he doesn't feel as competent or capable as the breadwinner. This could make him feel distant and make it hard for him to show appreciation if his own ego is feeling a bit bruised. . . . Obviously I have no idea what's really going on in his head, but it's a possibility.<br><br>
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It must be really hard to make such sacrifices and not feel any appreciation. I know it would make me batty! Maybe you could work out a deal where he can have x amount of time of you working this job, and then it's your turn to pursue your dreams of school? Or maybe you could get a different job, part time or something, and try to do some of your own things and let him pick up some of the slack? Again, I don't know your situation, but it sounds like you don't like your job, and that can really affect your outlook on everything else when you have to put up with a crappy situation 8+ hours a day. Maybe if that changed it would at least be one improvement!
 

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Oh Mamas. This mirrors the life of my best friend. What she finally did..she quit her job (she was a liscenced day care provider in her own home) and became a police officer at 30. She told her dh that she wanted to do this. If he didn't like it, that when she got back from the academy (it is a plane ride away) that she would file divorce papers. He's stuck around and things are getting better. No one changes overnight. For so long he had treated her like dirt and taken advantage of her. What finally did it for her? She decided that no matter what John was going to do, she was going to do what was best for her and her family. That was getting a job that she enjoyed. She had been doing daycare for 5 years. She needed a career. She decided that she was going to go into debt, and be happy again.<br><br>
She is. She has a very difficult job, but she really loves it.<br><br>
I can attest to a partner loving their job. DH hated his job when we lived in Sothern CA. Our marriage stunk. We moved to Alaska, it was getting better. I gained a lot of weight..things stunk again...I had gastric bypass, dh loves his job..I am going to college (one class at a time..but will be done right before my youngest goes into Kindergarten!). We are happy with ourselves and our career choices (I'm a SAHM working on a degree to be an adoption social worker) so we treat each other well, and like ourselves so much more. It's getting better. I'm still working on getting my spending under control and dh is still working on liking his job more, but things are really great. We're poor, but our kids are happy, we are happy..life is good.<br><br>
My prayers are with you mamas <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Thank you for that....<br>
I do need to hear that sometimes things are bad- and sometimes things are good.<br>
My mom says taht to me- but I grew up watching her in an unhappy marriage( 34 years and counting.....) and swore I would never end up the same way......<br>
And now I fear I did just that.<br>
I do feel that I am in this for the long haul.... forever...<br>
But at the same time- how long do I have to wait to be treated nicely and lovingly..... or is that just not in the plans for me????<br>
This man adored me- now he treats me no more decent than you would a maid- and definetly not as nice as you would a roomate.<br>
Emilie
 

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I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Is couples counseling an option for you? It sounds like you have tried very hard to tell him how you feel and what you need--but sometimes having a neutral third party present can help people hear each other better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Yeah, we may have to go to counseling. That is assuming he is willing to go.<br>
We would just have to figure out what to do with ds..
 

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I'm sorry to hear you're in such a tough situation. I'm in a similar relationship right now myself, but I'm planning to leave after I finish school next summer.<br><br>
It sounds to me like your husband has already decided that your marriage isn't worth much to him. You've spelled out how you feel, what you need, and that you feel like you want to leave, and nothing's changed. Counseling is probably a good idea, but if he doesn't value you enough to try to change SOMETHING on his own, then it might not work anyway.<br><br>
How much do YOU love HIM? I mean, if there's no motivation for you to want to stay with him (other than your ds, who will leave the house someday and leave the two of you alone together), and he obviously isn't motivated to stay with you.. maybe it's just time to part ways and do your best to both stay involved with your ds.<br><br>
I totally agree with ReesesMomma... it's better that you're happy apart than miserable together. Your ds will know the difference. You also said that you feel like you're sacrificing your happiness for your ds.. which is something I struggle with, too. But I've come to the conclusion that my unhappiness will negatively affect my dd a lot more than living in a separate house from her father will. If your martyr yourself for his sake, it's going to backfire. Your sadness and stress WILL affect him, even if you put on a happy face when he's around.. kids are very intuitive. And another question to ask yourself... is this what you want your ds to view as a "normal" relationship? Is this what you want for him when he grows up and gets married himself? If not, then it's your responsibility to set a better example, whether it's by making THIS marriage better or by finding happiness somewhere else.<br><br>
As far as going to school and being poor for a while... there are worse things, right? I don't know what you wanted to go to school for, but I assume that once you finished you could get a decent job again, so the poverty would only be temporary. You'd be poor for a couple of years, but at least you wouldn't be miserable.. so I guess it's a question of which is more important to you right now.<br><br>
Oh, and one more thing (I know I'm going on and on and on here)... You say you don't want to take your ds away from his dad, but I assume that they spend the days together now while you're sleeping? So why would that have to change? Of course it wouldn't be the same as living in the same house full-time, but they could still see each other every day while you were at school.<br><br>
Good luck working this out in a way that's best for both you and your ds.
 

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Hmmm, you could do what Carol's friend (in message #11 on this thread) did, and just go back to school and let your dh figure out what to do. It sounds like you need him to work with you on the issue of childcare, but perhaps you can work something out with the university and put him in the university daycare while you are in class.<br><br>
If he isn't cooperating and he's not doing what you need, you could just act.<br><br>
I do think that counseling is a good idea, but I wonder whether you will get somewhere faster if you force the issue.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>asherah</strong></div>
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I realised today I would leave him in a split second and become an impoverished student if not for ds. I feel I am sacrificing all my own happiness for ds.... but I guess that's the deal when you become a parent.<br></div>
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a wise woman once said to me (she was being sarcastic btw)<br>
"Wow...how dare you be selfish with YOUR own life."<br>
sounds to me like you are unhappy...unhappy mommy makes unhappy baby..<br>
yes we LOVE our children more then anything...BUT we should not sacrifice our own happiness forever...it's not the deal when you become a parent..<br>
you should follow your heart Mama..and your life should be your own to enjoy...with your son...not to endure...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>captain optimism</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Hmmm, you could do what Carol's friend (in message #11 on this thread) did, and just go back to school and let your dh figure out what to do. It sounds like you need him to work with you on the issue of childcare, but perhaps you can work something out with the university and put him in the university daycare while you are in class.<br><br>
If he isn't cooperating and he's not doing what you need, you could just act.<br></div>
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I agree with this. While counseling will hopefully help improve communcation and the clarification of both of your needs, this is your life. PMing you now.
 

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Here's a radical idea: have you thought about pursuing your own life and just living together as roommates and parents to your ds? I know I've at times thought about it in the past--saying to dh, "let's not pretend this is a marriage. You do your thing, I'll do mine, romantically, professionally, etc. Let's live together for the sake of ds, but pursue our own lives." Fortunately, things have improved now for us, but I seriously thought about it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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So, I had this OUT there message to you but I have decided to re word it so you don't commit me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
What if it is that he WANTS you. He NEEDS you and he LOVES you , but like you things fell off the track and he has NO idea where to go from here or where to start. For some men, it's easier (I din't say it's the right thing) for them to just keep going in the direction they are. ALos what if it is that he does know you are having a hard time but feels embarassed, or ashamed becuase he can't or odesnt know how and he feels SO guilty babout it he can't look at you? You may want to try to talk to him gently about these issues before you write off your marriage. I have a feeling you will be surprises at his reaction.<br><br>
If you want this marriage it will wrok.<br>
You have to discuss with him his feelings of what I just shared with yuo. I think you will be surprised by his reaction. BE gentle with each other in talking.<br><br>
Peace
 
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