Mothering Forum banner

1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
193 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>I love my friend, and I want to help, but I don't know how.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Me:</strong> Step mom to 2 boys (14, and 12) and bio-mom to DD (2.5).  DH is there, though sometimes a bit too hands-off for my taste.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Her:</strong> Adoptive mom of 2- Boy (15) Girl (12)  She has a DH as well, he... he basically does whatever he wants, gives most his attention to their DS, and has to be pressured into spending QT with their DD.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>The Problem</strong>: her DD is being a stuck-up little princess and totally not respecting her.  It isn't fair.  She constantly tried to turn everything into an argument where she (DD) is the victim and Mom (friend) is some horrible/stupid/unfair/etc person who isn't listening.  She screams, slams doors, and claims that Mom-Friend doesn't love her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I -think- the problem is that DS has a great realtionship with MF and is the object of Dad's vicarious living, and DD is jealous.  The reason their relationship is "better" is mostly because DS is a super-greatful, responsable, and nice kid who has an actually good realtionship with MF and puts up with Dad's crap.  He occasionally reminds everybody he is still a teenager, but usually he's just an all around great kid.  DD is very opinionated and trying very hard to show everybody how smart she is, and how right she is.  She hates being wrong, she has an excuse for everything, and makes reasons up to back herself all the time.  Also, severe retroactive reality... Seems to me, typical bad-tude teenager stuff, but looks a littel different when you realize that her Dad (MF's husband) acts the same.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I think DD wants the relationship and respect that DS has with the parents.  The problem with this is that she already has a good relationship, and a very doting mother, and all of her tantrums (because, lets face it, that's what they are) are getting in the way of the relationship being better... and a crappy one with Dad... and she is taking it all out on poor MF.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Mild Example</strong> - My Mom-Friend spends 20 minutes a night snuggling and talking with DD in addition to other time they spend together.  DD likes to spend this time being silly and playing around- the other night, in the jacuzzi, she says to Mom-Friend, "You're never there for me when I need you! You never spend time with me!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>MF says, "I spend time with you every night." </p>
<p> </p>
<p>DD, "But you're never there when I'm sad and I need you." she goes on to tell a story about being sad and crying to herself about some pre-teen drama her and her friends were having.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>MF: "You didn't tell me about that."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>DD: "You weren't there."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>MF (pleading) : "You should spend that time with me telling me about those things.  That's a great time to tell me, and to cry and to cuddle."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>DD was miffed, and didn't like the idea of the alone time being for serious stuff.  MF is at her wits end because she is feeling smothered by DD.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I told MF to seek counciling.  My DH is against the idea- he thinks counciling will make DD feel more entitled and she will just play the victim card even more (and he's generally FOR counciling).  I think the problem is mostly with MF's hubby, and that if they ALL go, some progress might be made.  I think EVERYBODY (except MF's hubby) agrees that MF's hubby needs to have a better relationship with DD...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What I want from you guys - Any advice I could give her, or support, something.  She is an awesome friend to me, and she doesn't deserve this crap.  I think the only one in that house that gives her proper respect is her DS.  This makes me sad.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,886 Posts
<p> </p>
<p>My dd is 14 and there are times when I feel like an alien as invaded her body.  I have had to get much better about setting boundaries with her because of the "smothering."   There are days when she follows me around the house like a toddler and I run into her when I turn around.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Same as when she was a 2yo, I try to ignore the negative attention seeking behaviors and reward the positive behaviors.  When she does her "you are never there for me/don't pay attention to me" tantrums I calmly give a few examples and then go on with my day.  I try to schedule 1:1 time with her and we usually have at least an hour before bedtime when we hang out and watch tv/talk.  If she is rude/disrespectful what works the best for me is just tell her she is being rude/disrespectful.  Sometimes she will storm off in a huff, but she usually apologizes.  When she is calmed down, we discuss it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It sounds to me like your friend has a good relationship with her SD if they are snuggling/talking/spending time together. It's a tough age for girls.   But it sounds to me from your post, everyone is comparing her to her older brother and finding her lacking.  I'd start getting a bit bitter about that too.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
193 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
<p>Gosh, I hope they aren't comparing her, at the very least, not when she could hear it.  I was talking about him because I think she is jealous of the attention/relationship.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's good to hear that another Mom is dealing with the Jeckle/Hyde of a teenaged girl... though it scares the jeebus out of me, I have a little girl myself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I digress- I am going to tell my friend there are others out there too with similar problems.  Sounds like she is doing okay so far.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,445 Posts
<p>Forum crashing here: Get her the book: How to Talk to Teens So they will Listen.. and Listen So They Will Talk. It's got great ideas on how to talk to teens.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remember too that since her brother's got the 'good kid' role sewn up, she's searching for her identity within the family. It might help for her to carve out a few things that don't overlap with her brother.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
302 Posts
<p>Sounds like a normal 12 year old girl to me, to be honest. I have one myself. She guilts me every chance she gets about anything she can. I home school her (her bro and sis go to public school), we go out alone together all the time, and we have a very open relationship where we share a lot, but she is regularly pointing out to me where I fall down in the mom department.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Twelve year olds are dramatic, and testing out their clout. I completely agree with floss&ferd - ignore the negative, reward the positive.</p>
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top