[slowtime]

Hi, I'm a former member of the May 2009 and March 2010 Birth Clubs. I lost both pregnancies at the end of the first trimester and made posts about my experiences in this forum afterwards. I stopped coming to mdc not long after my second miscarriage. It was too painful. I couldn't deal.

I started a Master's program in August, and I'm set to graduate in 2012. I'm training to be a therapist. It felt really important to me to build the foundation for a life that would mean something to me even if I never had kids. I do plan to try again once I have my license, but I'm trying not to think too much about that right now. One thing at a time.

I started to post this on another anonymous blog I keep, but I realized it wasn't the right forum. Even without my real name attached to it, I was posting to the wrong people. I still feel really, really messed up about my miscarriages, and I needed to get this off my chest. This seemed like the right place. I hope it is.

Oh, and there was some cursing - I can't remember if that's okay here, so I swapped out with some asterisks. Somehow whenever my grief meets up with my anger, a lot of f-bombs ensue.

::Okay, I'm sorry, I just need to rant in a safe space for a minute.

Is this a crazy thing to feel upset about? I just got a postcard in the mail from a church in Florida notifying me that my husband's grandparents, who I've met maybe twice, put my name up for their congregation to pray that I would conceive.

Let me take this apart. I absolutely don't mind my grandparents-in-law praying for me. They can pray for whatever they want. I guess I don't even really mind them sharing my personal business with their congregation, since they're all strangers who I'll never meet, and it seems wrong to snub well wishes from anyone. But the card...that's what's triggering things for me.

1) It wasn't sent by my grandparents-in-law. That would be different. It was sent by their church. If they were to reach out to us themselves to let us know they cared, that would be a whole different story. It would actually be more than I ever got from my parents or any of my friends. (Which is another rant, I know. The closest anyone has come to asking me how I feel about my losses in the two and a half years since the first one was a coworker asking if I planned to start trying again soon. That happened last month. She knows I'm in grad school. I just don't even... ugh.)

2) Conceiving would actually be really inconvenient right now. I have another whole year of school ahead of me, and I needed to do this now to ensure that even if I never do have kids, I'll have built a satisfying life that I can f***ing live with. Retail wasn't it. It wouldn't be the end of the world - I'm sure I could find a way to finish my degree, and yeah, bringing a child to term? Would be a dream come true. - but I really wanted to take the time off for my own sanity and build the foundation for a good, productive life. I need this.

3) Conceiving turned out not to be my problem, really. I conceived just fine. Twice. Keeping the babies past week twelve? That was the problem. Passing on Trisomy 21 to my unborn children? THAT was the f***ing problem. Honestly, the idea of conceiving again really f***ing terrifies me. I can live with the idea of giving birth to a child with Down's Syndrome - it's scary, but I can deal. The idea of miscarrying again is what frightens me. The idea of going through the first trimester a third time, only to have it end the same way. It's like a horrifying pregnancy-themed Groundhog Day. And I know so many women have had it so much worse than me - more miscarriages, later in the pregnancy, stillbirths, etc - but I'm not them, and it took me months to feel anything like sane again after I lost my second pregnancy. The depression alone nearly killed me, and I'm not being figurative.

So, okay. My grandparents-in-law don't know most of this. They might, if they had ever actually asked, but that's not how it is. They're an elderly couple with significant health problems of their own who live in a trailer park in Florida, and they mean well. I'm not actually mad at them at all. I'm just mad at what they represent.

I'm really mad at my family. My parents and my sister. To greater and lesser degrees, they let me down. On the day of my first miscarriage, when I got home from the emergency room, my mother listened to me sob into the phone, and then she asked me if I'd voted yet. The condolence card she sent two weeks later said something about it all being for the best in the first two sentences, and then the rest of the card was filled with political ranting. For over a year, even after my second miscarriage, no one in my family called me. Ever. I had to make the call, or we didn't talk. Occasionally, if I let it go too long waiting to see if they'd call, my mother would send a pointed email saying she hadn't heard from me in a while. I said very explicitly to my parents and sister that I really wanted them to call me every now and then. I let them know when I was most available and when I'd be in class. My mom at least pretended to write it down. Since then - and this was about a year ago - my parents have called twice. Once two weeks after that conversation, and once in April to let me know what their new phone number is. My sister has listened to me talk about how much it would mean to me if any of them ever asked me how I was dealing with my grief, but she's still never asked, and if she told my parents, they haven't asked, either.

Sigh. Listen, I don't believe in God. I don't pray. But I'm a good existentialist, and I believe very firmly that meaning is what you make of it. If prayer gives your thoughts and wishes order and direction, then by all means pray. It doesn't offend me. But if you pray for me, please don't pray for me to conceive. Pray for me to find peace. Pray for me to forgive my family and friends. Pray for me to have a life that feels meaningful. And if you absolutely cannot get around the baby thing, pray for me to carry a healthy child to term at a time when I am ready to do so. ::

Okay. Thank you. I know I haven't been around to offer my support to others, so maybe it isn't fair of me to ask it of anyone else. This just...needed to come out, and this was the best place I could think of to say it.

Thank you.

-slowtime

 

[KristaDJ]

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) This is totally the place for this, mama. I can relate to so much of that: the pregnancy groundhog day thing, the going through a first trimester AGAIN and not getting a baby, conceiving with no problem, the idiotic family members, the terrifying thought of conceiving again, the depression nearly killing you.... all that.

I'm glad that you have found something to throw yourself into and satisfy you right now and I wish you HUGE success with that. <3

 

[lollie2357]

I'm so sorry for your losses, mama. yes, this is the place. No need to support others first. It sounds like you're doing what's best for you. I think it can be very good to take some time off before trying again. It is important to give yourself some space and time to heal. You said so many things that ring true for me - you are right, even if they don't understand.

Families are tough. And it only seems to get tougher because they forget, and you don't.

I wish you the best in school. And I hope you can find peace for your little ones, and healthy baby in your future.

 

[MegEliz]

Wilson said it best - family forgets abut you don't and that is the most diffucult part. It is as if this child only meant something to you and you alone. I am sorry that your family is so un-supportive, but you sound like you are doing just fine without them. It is hard when you need something from people - especially your family - and they just can't give it to you bc they get over themselves long enough to be that person to you ~ I am sorry for you losses and i hope that when you are ready you will have a happy healthy baby in your arms

 

[slowtime]

Thank you all for your support. It feels good to talk about it in an environment where people don't just stand there awkwardly for a few seconds before changing the subject.

I feel good about my decision to postpone trying again in order to go to school, but I wonder if I would have made the same choice if I'd had more support. It was a really difficult decision, especially when factoring in age. I'll be 32 by the time I'm done with school, which isn't exactly old for a new momma, but it's not young, either. But it was just me and my husband after those losses, and it was too hard. We were essentially our only support, and it was too big a strain.

Oh, family. You're right, they have the luxury of forgetting. They don't remember my due dates or my loss dates, and have no clue why Mother's Day is so hard for me to get through.

Anyway. Thank you. It means a lot to hear kind words from people who know what I'm talking about.

 

[Wendlynnn]

I'm sorry for your losses. Time passes and sometimes it's just not easier! I totally hear you about insensitive family. My mom happened to see a photo I took of a cake I made and asked what the occasion was. I told her it was to commemorate my due date (of my 1st loss). Her only response was "oh" and a blank stare. Did she not hear me or understand what I was talking about? I have no idea. Did she ask anything? Nope. And this was at my sister's baby shower - so doubly painful.

It's hard to feel alone with your pain. All the mommas are here to support - nothing required! Wishing you the best in your program and continued healing.

 

[mistymama]

Big hugs from someone who understands.

I'm so sorry people have been insensitive - I could rant on for days about the things people still say/do about my baby boy Gavin and us having more children. It just may not be in the cards, and maybe people don't understand how much that hurts? I don't know, but they sure say and do stupid things.

Rant here all you want, we understand.

 

[hildare]

that's awful. sorry you're going through that turmoil, and for your losses.

remember that for most people, prayer makes them feel better. that's something they can do. your gparents are probably well meaning, and like you said didn't know the whole story. the postcard thing is pretty stupid, it's probably some church outreach idea to solicit donations (or if you're feeling generous, memberships). sigh.

other generations view m/c differently, of course. my dh's grandma, whom i really do like a lot, told me after one of my m/c that i had "just thought i was pregnant." i didn't even say anything.. but, like.. uhhh.. how do you just THINK you're pregnant? what? she also told me that i shouldn't nurse my dd for so long (she was like 9 mos old) and that was why i wasn't pregnant. lordy.