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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
aaawwww mamas its 11:3o at night. i just got home from school. and my heart breaks.<br><br>
i need to get it off my chest. and i dont have anyone to really share it with who would understand.<br><br>
today was my 7 year old dd's PT conference. her teacher had set it up in such a way that her dad and i would be there together.<br><br>
apparently dd has told him if he could do that that would be the best christmas present ever.<br><br>
and her dad wanted a private meeting. so dd and i sat outside with dd repeating the same words to me.<br><br>
we have been seperated since dd was 18 months old. from 2 to 4 she was ok with us being separate. but from 5 onwards seh has always wanted to spend some time with daddy and mommy.<br><br>
ex is still pissed off (he asked for a divorce, then he wasnt sure what to do, started dating, stopped trying to work on our marriage so i threw him out - and he's been mad with me ever since). but gosh its been almost 6 years. gosh just get over it. whatever it is for the sake of your child.<br><br>
all the while i was in PT conference with the teacher, the teacher cried. he really loves my dd and she does too him. they have a v. special and deep bond. he told me she has opened up to him and really talks to him. i am soooooooooo grateful about that. she needed a neutral 3rd party and she has really opened her heart to him.<br><br>
i am a gamut of emotions. i feel soooooooooo sad for my dd. i have always seen that sadness in her eyes. i am mad with ex. he tries to be a father, but for once it would be so good if he could stop thinking only about himself. he genuinely loves dd but he comes first. not her. :-( typical of a 4 year old that he is emotionally. his world is v. black and white with no shades of grey in it.<br><br>
i am sooo moved by dd's teacher. i am so grateful she has a teacher that she will remember for the rest of her life. he loves 'her to death' and wants to keep in touch with her thru out her school life. we didnt really talk about how she is doing in school. we both know she is flourishing. however we talked about single parenting and children. he was a single parent too but he and his wife put their children first and worked really hard to respect their differences. his eyes were soooo red. he said he hasnt stopped crying since my dd asked him for her xmas present. he said he cant help it. 'she is such a sweet girl. its sad that she cant get her wish.'<br><br>
gosh i want to shout with joy that dd and her teacher have connected soo deeply. and yet my heart is sooo heavy, and i just feel sooo sad that i cant sleep.<br><br>
i hoped if ex got a serious gf our relationship would improve. i thought he might ease up a little. but instead its gotten worse. i have no idea why. *sigh*<br><br>
life is so so so complicated.
 

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Oh, meemee, I feel you on this one. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
There is nothing wrong with feeling that sadness (disappointment, anger, etc)and letting the tears flow. I always think about this quote from this amazing zen priestess:<br><br>
"When life gives you lemons, let the lemons be. Sour has a sweetness all its own, and a season, like all seasons, that doesn't last."<br><br>
You are mourning the loss of something for your dd, in addition to the hurt she will go through as she deals with her relationship with her dad. That is OK.<br><br>
I go through similar periods of heartbreak and disappointment for ds. It sucks, it hurts, it is hard and, yes, it is so darn complicated. BUT... I know it doesn't last and very soon I can start to see the blessings and amazing lessons (and growth) to be learned for ds from such a situation.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Holland73</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14699942"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
"When life gives you lemons, let the lemons be. Sour has a sweetness all its own, and a season, like all seasons, that doesn't last."<br><br></div>
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A big Hug to meemee, and thanks for this Holland73. I needed to see it, too.
 

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Meemee I'm so sorry. BTDT- my ex is like yours!<br><br>
It's so hard when we can't give our kids what they want. How lucky for you DD that she can put words to her feelings and that she has a mommy and a great teacher that will talk to her and really hear her. She will be alright and so will you, but tonight it hurts and that's okay too. It's a chance to grieve.<br><br>
Hugs coming your way mama.
 

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mee mee, I don't get it. It seems like a major major guilt trip was played on you today. I do not get why the teacher is so worked up about her wish, she's a little child, and it might be better if he helped her understand that life is not always as we think it should be but life is wonderful anyway. Is your x whining to your dd such that she is perseverating on this? Since you two have been apart pretty much from her earliest memories, the fact that she is stuck on it and having so much feeling about it suggests to me someone is keeping her stuck there.
 

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I have to say that must feel awful for you. I suspect that I will go through something like that when my son is older and I really dread it. I do agree with zeta though, that it is kind inappropriate for the teacher to be so permissive about the situation. I sounds to me like he's almost handling your situation in light of his own personal experience. That's not ok.<br><br>
Ugh. I do think it's nice that she is comfortable with her teacher, but something doesn't seem right about this situation.
 

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hugs!! kids can be like that sometimes, they just want everyone to be getting along so well. It is weird that your ex wouldn't do a joint conference since you had one planned. anyway hope your daughter is feeling better today.
 

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It's SO HARD to see our children hurting. I have been really aware lately of the cycles of life...I think of how I started as an innocent little child whose parents wanted to protect her from all of life's hurts and pain. And yet I have known terrible pain. I have made mistakes that make ashamed and hurt me inside. I have been hurt in ways that have left marks on my psyche. And it was all inevitable: pain is a fundamental, integral part of the human experience!<br><br>
So I try to remember (impossible as it is sometimes) that the best thing I can do is to give my child the tools to cope with life's unexpected storms. To teach her that NONE of us have control over everything and to give her the strength and wisdom to deal accept the things over which we have no control.<br><br>
Your dd is hurting and naturally as a mama, this pains your soul. That's because you are a good mama. But you are also a good mama because you teach her that life is not always easy and we don't always get what we want, but life is still beautiful...and just like tragedy and hard times, great and terrible joy and beauty, too, await us at every corner.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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It does hurt, I know, to not be able to give your child that very basic sense that both their parents will love them <i>together</i>. But you know what - your daughter is loved very much, whether or not you're together.<br><br>
I have to agree with Zeta, though. I mean, it's great that your daughter has another adult to care about her, but it sounds weirdly intense to me... has he never dealt with a child of divorce before? I mean, most kids of divorced parents ideally <i>would</i> like their parents to be together, but as you say, this isn't a new situation and it's strange that there's no adjustment by now... I certainly hope he wasn't crying in front of your daughter about it!
 

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I know it is hard. I hurts me every time my kids mention "we are divorced" in public (the we refers to them as much as stbx and myself). I know the divorce has an evident impact on their school life and else-where. Teachers know and notice. Teachers are willing to work with us to make life go as smoothly as possible. We have school counselors who have been helpful.<br><br>
That said, I would be taken-aback by a teacher who did what your daughter's teacher did during the pt conference. Gives me pause.<br><br>
Don't take it on. Your dd will be fine. There will always be a sad spot, a longing, a missing what others have, but she will grow whole, healthy and happy with your love and nurturing.<br><br>
Hugs,<br><br>
M
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
oh mama's let me clarify....<br><br>
... its the translation of interpersonal writing that perhaps gave you a wrong impression of the teacher.<br><br>
the teacher LOOOOVES my dd. its one of those rare connections - both teacher and dd have a kinda kindred spirit understanding. my dd loves the teacher too.<br><br>
while we sat outside while ex talked to teacher, dd expressed her xmas wish to me AND went on to say that perhaps one day he might come around OR NOT. i know the or not came from the teacher.<br><br>
my dd wasnt with me at the conference. her teacher does support her and kinda adviced her not to give up hope, however it might not happen. so he did his best.<br><br>
the thing is - my dd has sad eyes. she is a happy positive child but underneath i could see she carried some pain. with teh teachers words the reason for her sad eyes was confirmed. it confirmed that my dd has been sad for a while that she NEVER EVER has ever gotten time with daddy AND mommy. however she is not a depressed child, it doesnt pull her down. just a child sad that she never gets time with both her parents.<br><br>
now the teachers tears moved me a lot. he just couldnt help it. he tried quite a bit to control himself. its more a case of - this is a super sweet kid and she should get the world. he went on to say all her good points, helpful in class, well behaved, tough kid who has never once cried when all the kids at some point have cried - she deserves better. plus the whole sad situation - that all the kid wants is parents together for a conference as her xmas present. he himself is a divorced man with 3 grown kids so he knows the effects. he knows dd is a sensitive kid who understands way more than a regular 7 year old can. for him its just a shame that a kid has to go thru any pain. i think for him also it was the only thing my dd wanted from him and he couldnt do it. so there was that personal feeling of failure for him too. and it all happened right away, not giving him time to cope and recover himself. he's been a teacher for 30 years and he is the children's fav. teacher in the whole school. he goes beyond just teaching.<br><br>
he is one of those special once in a life time teacher. one of the boys in his class whom i know v. well doesnt have a father figure and he is constantly in trouble. the teacher eats lunch with him at least once a week to just hang out and talk stuff. just be a male figure for the boy.<br><br>
i know pranama - its so wierd he just couldnt sit for 15 mins or so together?!!! i feel sorry for ex. what a waste still carrying so much emotion for a person that it affects things he does. i mean come on grow up. i mean hello its been 6 years. you even have a GF for crying out loud. just move on with your life.<br><br>
yeah meandmine my dd is going to be fine. she is alright.<br><br>
La Sombra yes you are so right. all i can do is offer her tools to cope.<br><br>
its just so sad that something so basic should be a christmas wish. isnt it every child's birthright that they get both their parents. :-( we will both be fine. life carries on.<br><br>
right now its just sad my dd hurts.
 

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Awe, meemee, I understand better and hugs to you and dd!<br><br>
Yep, such a simple thing -- too bad your x couldn't put her first.<br><br>
Not much more I can say.<br><br>
Just hugs!<br><br>
M
 
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