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Ok so I have been around this forum for a while but never really posted much but I need some support so I decided to find some..lol<br><br>
I just cannot get over the fact that I had to have a CS. I had my first dd who is 3 now via CS. Labor was bad, there was an infection and I guess that CS needed to be. But then we got pregnant again last year and I had my 2nd dd in Oct. 08, she is 4 months now.<br><br>
I was supposed to have a VBAC, it was all set up. But basically to make a long long story short I was pretty much pushed into a 2nd CS by DH/doctors/friends/family. My DH's work really preferred that I get a scheduled CS so they would know when he would be off...his bosses are jerks...I mean they didn't say I had to but when DH mentioned the whole story about the vbac they really really made him feel like they would like to know when he would be off and all..(by the way they laid him off the week after we had the baby!!!!). I was worried he might lose his job, I was scared of the risks, whatever...I ended up going thru with the csec. I was crying the night before and the whole morning leading up to it because I just did not really want to do it. I really really did not. I did it to please everyone else. Anyways...I am so so so mad at myself. I get angry whenever I think about. I cannot forgive myself. I play it over and over in my head and just start to get so worked up about it. When a friend or someone has a baby and they don't end up with a csec I feel so jealous and mad. I just totally totally regret going thru with the csec the 2nd time.<br><br>
Anyways my question is, is that normal? Has anyone else felt like that? It is beginning to drive me crazy!<br><br>
I want to have more children but do not want anymore csecs, is it possible to do a VBA2C? Is it more risky? I don't want anymore kids for a few years at the least but already I start to hyperventilate when I think about another csec. I feel like a failure for not going thru with the vbac, I feel like I let myself down.<br><br>
Sorry if I sound a bit crazy, I am just typing as it comes out of my head. Anyways, please someone say you know where I am coming from?!?!?!?!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pixie1115</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13273545"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I get angry whenever I think about. I cannot forgive myself. I play it over and over in my head and just start to get so worked up about it. When a friend or someone has a baby and they don't end up with a csec I feel so jealous and mad. I just totally totally regret going thru with the csec the 2nd time.<br><br>
Anyways my question is, is that normal? Has anyone else felt like that? It is beginning to drive me crazy!</div>
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I'm soo so sorry you were forced into a 2nd c/s. As far as the anger, I think you sound like so many of us here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I too get a bit jealous when I hear of someone having a vaginal delivery, <i><span style="text-decoration:underline;">especially</span></i> when they have all the fixin's (induction, pit, epid, etc.)- it's like I think why me and not them?<br><br>
I don't have stats, but I think the risk of u/r is only <i>slightly</i> higher for VBA2C than it is for VBA1C. I hope you heal momma. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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i empathize with you. i dunno what i would do if i were in your situation. i'm so sorry you went thru that
 

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That's pretty sh*tty of everyone to pressure you into another c/s... it's YOUR body!!!!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I also am shocked that your DH's employer had the nerve to insinuate you should have a shceduled c/s for THEIR convenience... and then fired your DH anyway? If I were you I'd be flippin' mad too! And yes, I still get jealous of those who have perfect vag births, especially those who have perfect vag homebirths (unless they are a VBAC or HBAC, then they are an inspiration!). I have a friend who has been induced twice with both her kids, had epidural (everything I did with my son, who ended up as a failed induction & c/s), the whole nine *medical* yards... and had a fast and easy birth both times, I think pushed for 10-20 minutes and no tears. I was SOOOO jealous, like WHY NOT ME??? I am planning a HBAC this time, much to the dismay of family... they were very against it at first but I don't care. I can only imagine if I decided to do a repeat c/s JUST to please everyone I would be so hateful and resentful... no wonder you are so angry!!!! If I end up with another c/s but it is my choice and I know I did everything I could to prevent it, I'll still be sad but I will be able to accept it.<br>
I'm so sorry..... HUGS!!!! You have every right to feel angry and resentful... maybe you should tell everyone how you feel. Honestly I think seeing a therapist may help, talk to women on here and join ICAN. And YES mama, you can have a VBAC after 2 c/s's!!!! SO many women have done it, and I think the risk goes up only like a fraction of a %. Go on YouTube and watch all the inspiration videos of women having VBACs after 2, 3, 4 and more c/s's! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Next time do NOT listen to ANYONE... you do what your heart tells you to and if you feel others pressuring you, STAY AWAY from them!<br>
((((HUGS))))
 

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So normal.<br><br>
I just got frustrated with myself yesterday for getting worked up into tears over my c/s 5 years ago. I was so healed by my vbac birth and so much time had passed, that I was sure I was over this. I still keep coming around to how angry I am with myself and everyone involved. Why didn't I labor upright longer, why didn't I stay on hands and knees at home when thats what felt best (op baby led to "prolonged" labor and ultimately c/s), why didn't I hire a doula, why did I let them break my water, why didn't I read the books beforehand that talked about how high the false positive rate was for fetal distress showing up on the EFM (up to 98%?!?!?)? The guilt still nags at me. When I first started practicing as a doula, my first client started her labor with her water breaking and got an epidural at about 3cm, and still went on to birth her baby within the next 15hrs. I couldn't believe it. Flat on her back the whole time and she got a vaginal birth?!? I felt so jealous of her then and still can't believe that it worked out for her. I truly sympathize with you here. Looking back is so hard. The one piece of advice I have is this: the could haves will eat you alive if you let them. Looking forward is the only constructive thing you can do. Not to say that you don't deserve to grieve as long as you need, but I sometimes feel like I will just drown in sorrow if I don't focus on the future. There is not a significant increase in risk between vbac and vba2c. Some studies don't even show an increased risk until vba4c or more and of course by then your body is tired too. Don't get discouraged for your future birth possibilites, you can still have the birth you want. And, in Silent Knife, a book I highly recommend to help the healing process and get good solid info about c/s and vbac, the author recommends trying to view your c/s births as learning experiences. As much pain as my c/s memories still cause, I might never have gotten on the path to midwifery if I hadn't had it. Maybe your last birth was a good way to show you and those you touch with your story sharing how important supportive community is for women preparing to birth. Only you can determine how to use your experiences for the best outcome in your life.
 

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I'm still angry over my cesarean over 7 years ago. And I wasn't coerced into it by friends/family/work, it was just down to hospital policy & probably prudent after having an internal monitor for hours.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
VBA2C is definitely a possibility and only slightly less safe than a VBAC. Finding a care provider is tough, but I have hope that somehow things are going to start to improve, hopefully sooner rather than later. Rupture risk for a VBA2C is about .3% more than for a VBAC.
 

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I would also go onto YouTube and watch some of the totally inspiring videos of mamas who've had several c/s and gone onto VBAC. They are a great resource when I'm feeling down.<br><br>
I'm 2 years past my c/s and still get worked up about it. I especially feel it when a new mom comes into my restaurant with a baby and I find out she had a c/s. Our town has 44% c/s delivery rate. It's terrible.<br><br>
Take care mama. You will find support on these boards.
 

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What would you think about attending a cesarean healing workshop? I was going to attend one this past weekend, but didn't due to DH birthday plans. There is supposed to be another one coming up, and I believe it's about healing from the trauma. It might help you get through it?<br><br>
For what it is worth, It sounds like your first one might have been necessary. But, I am down right disgusted DH's office had the nerve to think for one second they had a voice in your family and health. I'm really sorry you felt that pressure and had to make that choice.
 
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