[anne1006]

<p>A week ago I had an ultrasound at almost 22 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I had an uneasy feeling going in, I hadn't been feeling much movement for a few weeks, and what I was feeling didn't seem like enough (and was apparently tummy rumbles or something).</p>
<p>I went in and was induced 2 days later, and had a little girl we named Faith. We held her and then had her cremated. Yesterday was her funeral.</p>
<p>I felt a lot better after the funeral, and was focusing on being thankful for my 3 healthy kids and a wonderful husband. Today though, I just can't stop crying. It is horrible. My brain won't turn off and keeps running ideas through my thoughts like I got listeriosis or something from our cows milk, or did something to cause it. I just feel terrible. I know common sense (and the docs I talked to) said I couldn't have done anything, but I just hurt so bad.</p>
<p>There was a small placental abruption, but the doctor said it was less than 10% and it was hard to say if it did have an affect. I don't know what to do... I can't keep going like this, how will I ever get back to normal?</p>

 

[M Anna]

<p>I'm so sorry for your loss. Something people kept telling me was, "it get's better". I had to hang onto that. I would ask how long I would feel so bad and of course there's no answer for that. I think about five months after I lost my first baby I was starting to feel a bit "normal". I had stopped crying daily long before that, but I probably cried at least once every day for a month. After my second loss it has been about the same, but it's only been three months since I lost him so I can't say I'm normal yet. Part of you will always be changed though.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(((hugs)))</p>
<p> </p>
<p>[The tendency is <em>always</em> to look for causes and to blame yourself. Think of this as part of the grieving process and don't dwell on it. One day you'll feel better and stop looking for ways to blame yourself. I've mostly stopped doing that after my second loss now.]</p>

 

[anne1006]

<p>Thank you, I think part of my problem is that I felt better for a while yesterday after the funeral. Today I didn't have any planning to worry about, so I started realizing what I will miss out on since she is gone. One thing after another started hitting me. Then I started wondering more why she was gone and looking for ways to blame myself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was easier when there was planning to be done. I could worry about that. Now I am left wondering all the questions of who she would be like, look like, etc... And that is such a harder thing to think about.</p>

 

[M Anna]

<p>Oh, I had that too. After I found out Andrew was dead, I was making a gown, blankets, finding a basket to line, etc., worrying about the actual birth. Once the funeral was over suddenly I had nothing else to do and I was a mess. It took a while to put myself back together and start looking ahead instead of living in the past.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It does get better, but it takes a while. Something I read a long time ago that I now know to be true is this: there is no way <em>around</em> grief, you have to go <em>through</em> it. I'm sorry for all the pain you have already had and the pain that is still there to be gotten through. Keep posting here if it helps.</p>
<p><span><img alt="hug2.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1331352571719_161" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"></span></p>

 

[CamoShades]

Anne, I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to let you know I am sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace in this difficult time.

 

[anne1006]

<p>Thanks. I think it helps to post, but everything is just so numb. On one hand I wish they would give me some xanax and I could just calm down for a while. On the other hand, I know that is just not a good idea and I just need to work through things. They gave me some ambien to help me sleep, but I never am guaranteed 8 hours of sleep since the other kids get up at night (someone always needs something). Or, I'll have a few beers, which I know isn't a good idea, but I can't seem to resist, and then I feel even more guilty. I know it has to get better, and things are still all fresh and new, but I just don't see a way out of this. I don't feel like I'll ever smile or really laugh again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know it will get better, I keep telling myself over and over, but I can't get my heart to believe it.</p>

 

[M Anna]

<p>I didn't believe I would ever smile again after my first loss. Well, I did eventually. People told me I would and I had no reason to disbelieve them (they had been through the same thing) but I just couldn't grasp how it could possibly happen. After my second loss I remembered that I had been able to get up and go on eventually after the first one, but again, it just didn't feel possible. Even though I KNEW that it would happen and had had it happen to me, I still couldn't believe with my heart that it ever would.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, this is how you feel right now, and that's normal and part of it (as horrible as it is), but it <em>will</em> get better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(((hugs)))</p>

 

[music.mama.pdx]

<p>Oh Anne - I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter. It is an awful, unbearable thing and I wish you did not have to go through all this. If you need xanax right now, take it. If you need to sleep a lot, do it, if all you can eat is chocolate, eat it. Do whatever you need to get through right now. Although it took some time with me (I hardly remember the month of August now) it will ease, maybe only for an hour or two each day but your load will lighten.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I think about my son every day but it's not as wrenching as it once was. My experience was much like yours, I went through labor at 18+ weeks and delivered my sweet boy. It was the saddest day of my life.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wish you well, Faith will be with you, always.</p>

 

[anne1006]

<p>Thank you all. I went back to the doctor today and she gave me a prescription for trazedone (or someting like that for sleep) and zoloft. I didn't want to go on anything long term and it's only been a week, but I think I need it. I have a lot of trouble doing much of anything and cry pretty much every hour or more in the morning. I feel better in the evening, but can' tsleep. So, I will try this. I have always been really emotional and there are a lot of family members with depression and alcohol issues in my family, so I want to intervene in this early. I suer hope it helps soon.</p>

 

[Harmony96]

<p>:candle: Faith.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And ((hugs)) Anne.  You're in a rough spot right now.  Try to be easy on yourself.  There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.  If one grieving mother is "okay" just one month after her loss and another isn't "okay" until a year has passed, that is fine.  Try to be easy on your children.  When I repeatedly entered the anger phase of grief, I'd find myself losing patience with them and yelling at them.    And at my husband, but he worked such long hours that he didn't get as much as my kids did. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Don't wonder when you'll get back to normal.  You won't ever be exactly the same as you were before.  But with time, you will come to find a new normal, and be able to live life similarly to how you lived it before, always carrying a little piece of Faith with you in your heart. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>With feeling like you're not able to smile at all, that is normal, too.  My loss was a liveborn infant, and we lost him on a Saturday evening.  The very next day, we went to church, as we always do on Sundays.  My favorite part of services was singing, but that day, I never did lift my voice in a single note.  My mouth never once turned up at the corners.  Now, though, I can sing again.  I can smile again.  I still have days and moments that are tearfilled, but they are gradually becoming fewer.  I can talk about Jonathan without bursting into tears. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>If they haven't started yet, you may have some CRAZY weird dreams.  I still have some, months later, but they're not nightly anymore like they used to be.  Those are normal, too. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Many hugs for you.  ((hugs))</p>

 

[baileyb]

<p>It does it hurts so bad. And then you think you are doing ok and you get a hit again. But eventually it eases up.</p>