[N2theWoods]

First of all, let me say that my DD is a delight. She's incredibly articulate (probably too much so because it is a struggle not to expect more mature behavior from her because of her ability to express herself,) and goofy and fun.

I find her really willing to be flexible -- she's quick to suggest a compromise and I can usually go with it.

But there's been a couple of things that I am just at a complete loss about how to deal with.

I've tried to use the "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" information and ask her questions in order to help her think about situations. But the answers I get completely flummox me. I hear "I don't know," about almost everything. Or she gives answers that are in tune with her behavior, even though I know they're not true and I know she knows it. I'll say "How do you think that little boy felt when you hit him?" and she'll reply "Good. He likes it." If I ask her if she likes being hit, she'll reply "I don't know." or "yes." Or sometimes she'll say "No. If he hit me then I'll kick him really hard until I get to his blood." Or something equally horribly violent.

And she's really NOT a violent child. At home and with her toys she's all about the love and the cuddles even when playing by herself. She has NEVER been hit by us. She hasn't watched television where there's hitting. But her first thought when frustrated by a child who has a toy she wants or is playing on something she wants is to hit or push or grab toys and run away with them. I've talked 'til I'm blue. I know she's only 3.5 years old, but I just don't know what to do or say anymore.

The most frustrating thing for me is that I don't know how to handle it. I'm afraid to talk with her any more about it because of the responses I get -- I don't want her to start seeing herself as someone who really believes the things she says. I don't want to keep talking about it and reinforcing her idea that she is a Person Who Hits, especially when the conversations change nothing and get us nowhere. Half the time she just says "I don't want to talk about it anymore." anyway.

Occasionally... occasionally she'll say something a few days after an incident that show that she's feeling some regret about her behavior.

But I am so often frustrated and want to cry.

:

I'm honestly kind of afraid to take her anywhere.

Because there's also the running away from me in crowded places... into busy streets. I call for her and she completely ignores me. I explain and talk until I'm blue and she promises not to do that again but then immediately does. Which I know is age-appropriate. It's hard for her to control her actions and the future has little meaning. But WHEN will it? What can I do? It's not SAFE for her to do that.

So far the only thing that seems to have any impact at all is my ending up sobbing and frightened for her safety. And that is neither OK with me nor ultimately helpful. I've tried punitive type approaches only rarely in the past because a) I don't like them and b) they never worked with me as a child and c) the few times I've resorted to it it's just been miserable for everyone and hasn't worked anyway (and often made things worse.)

: I don't know what to do anymore. Obviously I am an idiot at GD because it just feels like I'm talking and asking questions and none of it does any good. I actually threatened her with a child-leash today because she ran away from me in the drug store and I had to chase her around the whole store. What if she runs into traffic? She almost has several times before.

I'm sorry if this is disjointed -- I just had the most harrowing morning with her. Again, she is really an amazing girl. When we're at our best, we're a terrific team and we listen well to each other and it's great.

Please please -- any suggestions are appreciated.

 

[Roar]

I think she's showing you pretty clearly that asking why she hits isn't going to get you anywhere at this age.

What I'd suggest is focusing less on how other people feel and more on clearly stating the rules "you may not hit people". Also, I'd try to stay really close to be there in the moment to talk her through other options. Notice that she's getting frustrated and say "you are frustrated, can you say 'I want a turn'. or something along those lines. Kids need help in the moment to figure out how to resolve these conflicts and it can help a lot to give her the exact words.

For now it may be best to avoid a lot of high chaos unstructured activities like the park and try to focus on more structured ways for her to learn some of these play skills. One on one playdates can be good for this.

The last thing I'd suggest is rather than talking about it after the fact, focus on making a plan ahead of time. "Today we are going to the grocery store. Your job will be to hold on the cart and to remind me to remember to buy toothpaste. What do I need to remember to buy? I'm counting on you to help. Can you go see what kind of toothpaste we have now so you'll be able to help me spot it when we get to the store?" That say sound fake and stupid, but having that kind of clear job and laid out plan can help. Then, of course when goes wonderfully you have a chance to thank her and she can feel good about it.

 

[mamaduck]

Maybe you are doing too much talking and too much explaining? Can you state things more directly, more succinctly? I find that my kids start tuning me out when I talk too much or use terms that are too vauge. That is not to say that we don' t have great conversations, but that long disscussions surrounding misbehavior (especially at 3 years old!) don't generally get us very far. They need specific directions -- and if they don't like those directions, they are free to open a disscussion (and often do.)

Also, you maybe do this already, but "pre-setting" them before an activity or outing helps a lot. Before you go into a public place, have a quick talk with her about your epectations. You expect that she will stay with you, and not run away. you expect that she will not hit. If you consistantly have this talk before an outing, you can begin to ask her to deliever it after not-too-long. So you can ask her, "We are going to the playground. What do you need to remember when you play with other kids?" And if SHE says it to you, then she is more likely to live up to it. Something about saying the words themselves helps them to commit to the course of action.

 

[mamaduck]

posted at the same time as Roar.

Great minds think alike!

 

[LoveBeads]

I agree with the others - too much explaining to a 3 year old will get you

: . Keep it short and sweet and don't get into discussions about other people's feelings - she really can't relate to that yet.

As far as running away and running into the street - calling after her is probably not the way to go. Kids this age do not have impulse control so the only thing you can do is hold her hand or her arm to make sure she doesn't take off.

And you are not an idiot at GD - we all have questions from time to time and there were many months where I would go to bed and say "tomorrow will be better". Three is a tough age and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself

.

 

[mavery]

I don't have any particular suggestions, but I wanted to say my ds is 3.5 (well, 3.75) and we are having all kinds of problems with aggression. It's hard to keep sight of, but I keep reminding myself it really is a difficult age.

When I get too down I like to read Ames & Ilg "Your three year old". The parents' letters they respond to are mostly about pretty awful 3yo behaviour, and the solutions are always commonsense (and include things like "try sending her to preschool so you get a break") and remind me again that my ds is not a monster and I am not such a bad mother.

 

[Diane B]

But the answers I get completely flummox me. I hear "I don't know," about almost everything. Or she gives answers that are in tune with her behavior, even though I know they're not true and I know she knows it.

I will ditto the other posters. I am the mom of a VERY bright and articulate 3.5 year old, but she does not understand cause and effect and cannot answer "why" questions about her behavior. She operates on impulse. I think it's normal for her age. I don't think there's any point in discussing, especially in the moment. Sometimes later she is able to be a bit reflective.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N2theWoods Because there's also the running away from me in crowded places... into busy streets. I call for her and she completely ignores me. I explain and talk until I'm blue and she promises not to do that again but then immediately does..

In a parking lot or crossing the street, our daughter must either hold hands or be carried. If she won't hold hands, we pick her up. Period, the end. No negotiating, no yelling, no asking. It's just a consistent expectation. In stores, she generally still rides in the cart. Otherwise, same thing - must hold mama's hand, or we leave. Our daughter just cannot hear and respond to verbal commands in the moment of activity. Once again, I think this is normal for her age.

So we have had a lot of success with being firm, and having clear behavior expectations, without needing to be harsh.

 

[LynnS6]

3 is too young for them to really understand that someone else's thoughts or feelings might be different from their own. Remember, they still play hide-'n-seek by hiding their eyes! That develops after 4 for most kids. It has nothing to do with being verbal, but a lot to do with being able to take someone else's perspective. You're not raising a sociopath, just a 3 year old.

And the "How to Talk..." stuff didn't work for my ds until after he was 4. And even now at 6, he can't/won't answer "how do you think she'd feel?" Dd is bright and articulate and just 3, and I don't even try.

Short, simple, repeatable phrases might be best at this age.

I also find that I have to physically intervene a lot some days. So with the toy snatching, hitting or whatever it is, place yourself close so you can get her. If she snatches, guide her back and help her give the toy back. Don't say much other than "use your words" or "Maxwell wasn't done with his turn. We need to give it back."

Our rule for parking lots, streets, etc. is like the pp's - holding hands or being carried. There is NO other option. If she runs, then she's up in my arms with a stern lecture.

You can also play "red light, green light" with her. My kids love to do this while walking, and you can practice in places that aren't dangerous. Then if she does get away (as my dd did the other day), you can shout "red light" and that will often bring my dd to a stop. Once I shouted "red light", she stopped, I pointed out the danger (she was about to cross a driveway) and she listened well.

 

[Montessorimom8]

I can't help you with the running because ds even at 5.5 still goes to hold MY hand in public (I'm not complaining

)

But the "I don't know" is very familiar around here. In my ds's case, I don't know means, "I don't want to talk about it". Does she internalize a lot? My ds does and it's hard for me because I'm very reactionary wheareas he carries it around for awhile. I find I get much further with after something happens, to let it cool for awhile and then either bring it up or wait for ds to bring it up, sometimes he will around bedtime.

 

[marybethorama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roar I think she's showing you pretty clearly that asking why she hits isn't going to get you anywhere at this age.

I agree with everything Roar said but I didn't want to put in a long quote.

All excellent ideas.

 

[N2theWoods]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm not as upset today and am feeling a little better!

Just to clear a confusion up that Roar started, though -- I don't ask "why" questions with regard to her behavior. I've never asked her "why" she does things -- I'm introspective enough to know that those kinds of questions are hugely complex and most adults don't know the answers to them. What I try to do is ask questions that encourage her to think from a different perspective. I know that she's not old enough to understand empathy to some degree, but I think that compassion is like a muscle and being encouraged to think about our behavior in that way is healthy. I think of it like playing catch. She can't actually catch the ball unless I throw it carefully right where she expects it and even then she has to be paying attention or she misses. But I'm not going to stop playing just 'cause she's physically not there yet, right?

I still do believe that, but I need to figure out a better way to deal with situations when we're in the moment. 'Cause I AM talking too much, there's NO doubt about that!

Thank you, Roar - for suggesting the prepping her ahead of time. I DO do that frequently and it works really well when I do. Sometimes I forget (especially when I'm in a hurry,) and I need to remember to do it every time. Save myself a lot of grief!

I think I may have found a GD parenting counselor somewhat nearby. I'm going to feel out how expensive that would be.

Bless you, Lynn -- your post really helped me step back and not judge her.

 

[Roar]

I agree that it is good to teach empathy young. What I'd suggest at this age is doing less asking - "how does that make Tom feel?" and more telling and describing "you sounded angry with Tom" or "Tom is crying, I think he's sad"...etc. With a verbal kid like your daughter at age three I'd focus on teaching her feeling words and modeling what to say in the moment and leave it there.

Also, it is may just be me but the "how does that make Tom feel when you hit him" questions tend to inspire more guilt than real empathy. Even if you don't mean it that way, that may be how it plays out for her when she's so young. I do think it is an admirable goal to try to teach her to take another's perspective, but it may be until she gets there she as much just needs a very firm statement of the rules - "no hitting and people who hit have to leave"

 

[N2theWoods]

Oh, of course you're right, Roar! Thank you -- I think that nailed my problem. I'm going to print this out and put it on my fridge!

 

[Think of Winter]

My very articulate, very kind and sweet 3 1/2 ds does a lot of the things you mentioned. It's crazy-making, but also developmentally appropriate behavior.

I think that when we ask questions like "How do you think baby sister felt when you hit her?" we're looking for trouble. They want to please us, and stay out of trouble, so "Good, she likes it!" seems like the right response. I do this myself, by the way. But I think it would be more useful to tell ds "Clara was hurt and scared when you hit her," and not expect a particular response from him.

As parents, we feel like we need a response that let's us know that they get it, but that's not always possible for a 3 1/2 yr old. But they do get it. They hear every word we say and process it.

I know it's up to me to keep my kids safe, from themselves, traffic, other kids. I must hold his hand near traffic, I must be close enough to prevent someone getting hurt. It's hard to do, I don't always do it, but I know it's my responsibility, not his at this age.