[WonderWild]

What is wrong with me ladies. I love my DH. He is so good. He does everything he can to make us happy. But when he tries to kiss me or hug me or cuddle with me, I pull away. I have talked to him about the way that I feel and told him that I feel like all he wants from me is sex and so that's why I pull away from him. I feel kind of like the kissing or cuddling isn't genuine b/c I know that he's only doing it b/c he wants sex. I told him I want more hugging/kissing without the insinuation that it's going to lead to sex. And I explained to him that if he did not always have the "sex agenda" the hugging and kissing would probably lead to sex b/c I wouldn't always feel like he's wanting something from me.

Does anyone understand what I'm saying? I feel like a nutcase! I have a wonderful DH who loves me and wants to have sex with me all the time and I can't stand it. He used to give me compliments about my body and I actually told him to not talk to me like that b/c it made me feel like a sex object and I deserve more respect than that from him. I'm confused as to why I suddenly feel this way. Before I had DS we has sex like crazy. It was great & wild. Now when we do, I just wish he was done already and he tries to drag it out b/c he never gets it.

Can anyone relate?

 

[Kiki Runs]

I feel kind of like the kissing or cuddling isn't genuine b/c I know that he's only doing it b/c he wants sex. I told him I want more hugging/kissing without the insinuation that it's going to lead to sex. And I explained to him that if he did not always have the "sex agenda" the hugging and kissing would probably lead to sex b/c I wouldn't always feel like he's wanting something from me. QUOTE]

Me too, me too! Ditto your entire post!

There is hope. DH and I have gone round and round on this topic. He's kind of in a catch-22 b/c what is he supposed to do? Plus, DH isn't really the kiss/cuddle type of guy to begin with.

What we've instituted is a plain-face honesty. I've told him that there will be some nights I'm just not up to anything, so he will be rejected if he tries. Then there are other nights when I'm not in the mood (and not really willing to do much to "help" him, either), so if he wants to do all the "work", I'm willing to be available. Then there are nights where if he puts a little effort into helping me relax and get into the right mindset, we can have a lot of fun together. The downside to this is that neither of us know how I'm going to feel on a certain night, so DH does get shot down sometimes. However, b/c I was honest ahead of time, his feelings don't get hurt as much b/c he knows what's up.

Lately, DH has really started kicking in around the house and with DS more (yes, he should have been doing it anyway, but wasn't). That has helped immensely. I'm not as tired/frazzled at the end of the day, and I'm not as resentful, either.

It's also helping that DS is getting older and more independent, so I don't have a baby touching/hanging on me all day. I would just get "touched out" by the end of the day, especially if DH wasn't making a big effort to give me breaks. Now that DS is not needing to be held all day, my mindset is a lot different.

Lastly, DH (and I) had to realize that physically, especially since I am nursing, my body just isn't as excited about sex as it used to be. I'm not as "ready", shall we say, as I used to be. I'm not confident about my body like I used to be. I'm not as strong/fit as I used to be. This stuff seems like it should be obvious, but it wasn't - even to me! Then, once it dawned on me, I had to explain it all to DH.

TBH, I was considering proposing that we just not even try for XXX amount of time, so that I could know there wasn't going to be pressure or expectations after a kiss or backrub. But things changed for me before I got to that point. Maybe you and your DH need to do something like this? Maybe if you both know there is no possibility of sex, you can both relax and get more comfortable about the subject. See if your DH will give you a backrub every night (or vice versa) to ease you into being physically close again.

As far as just wanting it to be done, yeah, that's pretty much how I am, even if I think I'll be into it. I think there have been maybe 3 or 4 times since DS was born that I REALLY enjoyed sex. The rest of the times, I've been at varying points of "hurry it up". I've kind of just decided that until I'm finished nursing, it won't be as good as it used to be for me. I'm okay with that, and when it IS good, it's a VERY pleasant surprise.

Just wanted to let you know that you're NOT alone, and that it CAN get better.

Kinsey

 

[hummingbear]

I don't like the conflicting feelings of this place either. And it's been going on for three years for me. The first year was complicated even further by certain pyhsical trauma from birth. Glad to know I'm not alone here. I too am pleasantly surprised when its wonderful.

 

[insahmniak]

Count me in.
I was just going to start an "I miss my DP" thread when I saw this one. I desperately want to want it. I miss my relationship with my DP, on all levels. Physical intimacy is not appealing to me at all, and it's hurting my relationship with my partner. I can easily imagine how I'd feel if the roles were reversed! I have a great partner who doesn't put any pressure on me, but I can't help feeling like some part of me isn't working quite right.

I want to want it. But before that can happen, I'm going to have to get more sleep, have more time alone, and stop nursing. And that's nothing that I can schedule, YK?

 

[sadean]

Me too. it has been a little better since I got pregnant, but I attribute my change in desire to pregnancy induced hormones, rather than a psycological desire to have more sex. I don't look forward to the post-partum time when I suspect my interest/desire will wane again.

I'm not much help, other than to say you are not alone and I empathize.

 

[Sneezykids]

I'm in too. I love dh very much and I know it hurts him that I'm not as affectionate as he wants me to be, or needs me to be. But he turns it around to * I don't love him * type thing and I find myself repeatedly reassuring him I do. Somedays, TBH, I don't want to be touched at all. I don't know why either. You're not alone sistah.

 

[ja mama]

Yep, don't have any details I want to share except to say I still don't want it, even though he's awesome. And I miss that feeling of "gotta have it with you!" When he kisses me (or gropes me) it always feels like he is asking for more. He says he often just kisses me, but that I'm so .....it turns into the desire to do more. I haven't told him to stop kissing me. I've been like this since ds1 was born over four years ago. I sure hope as weaning progresses my libido returns. I will say though, that we've tried the "wait until I want it, and I'll initiate it" thing, it lasted six weeks without me feeling any different before he couldn't help himself.

 

[Sneezykids]

Not to discourage you but my drive didn't return after weaning in January this year
BUT! I'm also on anti depressants and they sometimes affect sex drive (as can depression/anxiety)
Just in a slump I guess, ugh.

 

[mountain]

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BLAME LOW SEX DRIVES ON NURSING. It most likely IS other factors. Tho' there are hormones present, they aren't your destiny! I've been seriously turned on while nursing. Just lately, my drive is back 110% & my dh can't keep up

but that was another thread that got shut down for no reason whatsoever

Nursing is the best nourishment available for your baby & should not be shut down b/c you want to get it on with your dh again. Most likely, the IMMENSE HUGE change in your life that came from having a baby is shifting your roles in your marriage. Dh is not seeing your life the way it IS, b/c somebody's gotta earn the $. So, you're disconnected. I'm livin the dream too, sistahs.

BUT, I seriously do not know how I would've got through age 2 without nursing. It is such a soother for the savage emotions of both my dd & ds.

The World Health Organization cites the average age of weaning in the world to be THREE YEARS OLD. (and American drags down that average for the most part). Most children are lucky enough to have nourishment, comfort & security without being put on some restrictive time schedule.

Please don't think your sex drive is worth the true immunity & comfort that you pass on to your little nurslings. Please don't stop nursing b/c you think it'll make your dh's sex drive satisfied. It won't. There's other ways around it--communication being the key as I've read in the wise posts above.

Okay, off my

 

[Kiki Runs]

I guess I missed it - I didn't think anyone was suggesting or thinking about weaning early. ??? Sometimes I tend to just glance over posts and do miss stuff, though.

I agree, there are other factors at play, not just the nursing. But for my DH, the nursing is something concrete that he can understand and is not threatening for him (ie, it's not his fault, the way other things could be construed as being, YK?).

Like I said, once we sat down and talked about it and laid things out, his attitude changed a bit (so did mine) and things started getting better.

Kinsey

 

[Sneezykids]

kinsey
that is good, sometimes just airing your feelings about it helps tremedously!
I know that I have told dh that I'm just not into it and yet I want to be so he tries to be patient. I do get, uh, frisky, then sometimes later that night he remembers my friskiness - lol - and wants to but I'm too pooped to participate. Sounds like you've made progress...

 

[Dechen]

Well, shoot me, but I definately feel like the hormonal aspects of nursing have put a big damper on my sex drive. And, biologically, it makes sense for this to be true.

I have no intentions of weaning over it.

 

[MamaBug]

You are def not alone.My dh is wonderful and amazing but I think that the "threat" of sex, instead of just nice time together makes me want not touching at all. However some of my problem is sensory overload. I always tell dh that I am touched all day long and it is noisy all day long and come bedtime when the kids are asleep I just want to be left alone and for it to be quiet. Thankfully he is very understanding and I do try to give him other things instead to help him through.

 

[mountain]

No, I just got scared that somebody might see a couple comments made where lack of sex drive would be helped by stopping nursing. I probably overreacted...where's my disclaimers!

ITA that the life changes with having babies makes it increasingly difficult to have sex. But like the Byrds said, "To everything there is a season"

 

[Kiki Runs]

mountain - gotcha!! Never fear, I personally have NO intention of weaning. If DH thinks it's few and far between now, he couldn't even imagine it if DS was weaned and I couldn't comfort him with "nurseys". Whew!! There's no way!

I think it helps (me, anyway) to understand WHY I'm not as interested as I used to be. It helps DH, too, to put a label on the cause (other than him).

Kinsey

 

[gwendolion]

I'm with all of you. I know we're not alone in these feelings. They are pretty normal. But do any of you feel like this lack of libido or not wanting sex is doing permanent damage to your relationship? I mean, what was it like to be into a man both romantically and emotionally? I can't remember. I fear that my relationship with my dh is just not as strong as I thought....wouldn't I love being with him physically if it was? My physical relationship with my dh wasn't that great to begin with. I want to love being with him but now I feel like I could go forever without ever having sex. Wondering what this is doing to him. I think he feels like crap about himself. He feels like he needs sex too much and wishes that he didn't. He feels sad that I don't need him as much anymore. It's all very sad.

ds-12 m

 

[hummingbear]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gwendolion But do any of you feel like this lack of libido or not wanting sex is doing permanent damage to your relationship? .... I want to love being with him but now I feel like I could go forever without ever having sex. Wondering what this is doing to him. I think he feels like crap about himself. He feels like he needs sex too much and wishes that he didn't. He feels sad that I don't need him as much anymore. It's all very sad.

My only thought for the day is: even romantic love takes practice.

And today is a good day to remind myself of that since I do not feel particularly loving. For me, I think our relationship does need more nurturing than we have given it over the last few years. I know that those feelings of romantic love can pop up now and then but I wonder doesn't that have as much (or more) to do with the way I perceive myself as the way I perceive him?

 

[insahmniak]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gwendolion ...do any of you feel like this lack of libido or not wanting sex is doing permanent damage to your relationship?

Resounding YES.
Our sexual relationship was very *ehem* healthy and we both miss this part of our relationship. I feel very sad about it and I wonder, too, if I will EVER get my drive back. And even if I do, my partner has said that after getting rejected (even kindly) for so long, he might have a hard time matching me if I ever go into super-drive. He doesn't say that as a threat -- he doesn't have a threatening cell in his body. Still, the long-term impact concerns me.

I feel like all of my psychological/emotional/intimate energy is automatically directed at my relationship with my daughter. It's chemical. It's compelling. I honestly feel like I don't have any control over it. At all. And that sucks, because I really, really love my partner.

 

[Sneezykids]

I've also thought of the biological bond toward the children and how that sometimes pulls us away from our partner.
Been doing better here in this area happy to say. My dh also feels bad about himself I think because of my lack of drive and has lost some weight (I've NEVER asked him to and he doesn't *need* to at 6'0 215) he started lifting weights too. I think he is insecure now about it, which makes me feel *really* bad/guilty!

 

[Benandjacksma]

Oh, Mothers... I needed to hear all that. I was just hunting around to vent this evening. I'm at a loss with my husband. I'm tandem nursing a 3 yr old and a 6 month old, quit my day job to stay home, and babysit nights at a local church because I can bring the kids to work with me -no bottles for 6 mo old- and DH travels overnight about once a week. My first laboring experience was tremendously difficult- he very much understood we needed to take things slowly for a long long time. My youngest (6 mos) was born quickly with no complications. My DH has been pushing and pushing since the 3 postpartum week (when we started being intimate again) and I can barely stand it. The sweet fun we used to have because we enjoyed one another so much has turned into some gross evil yuck that I don't want any part of... fights, frustration, sleeping in seperate beds, "toys" etc etc etc. He's also working out and losing weight- I feel like I wish I could give him that part of us back... What do you do???? We are having serious complications as well because he wants me to go back to working full time, and I have always wanted to stay home- something's got to give around here. I feel like I'm chasing him away.