Her comment was innapropriate and not funny....regardless of whether or not your son has special needs. I know she didn't mean to be offensive but it was.
I just made my best friend cry....
DS had his ENT eval today to check his hearing and to see if he had fluid build up in his ears. We had to rule it out to make sure it wasn't a physiological problem causing his speech delays and vestibular issues. Of course his hearing is perfect (he actually let them test it...wow), and his ears are perfect from a fluid standpoint. So they immediately referred us to the speech clinic for an eval once he reaches 18 mos.. They were also pleased to hear we had the upcoming autism eval as well.
Anyway, I called my best friend of 18 years to tell her about the visit (she has a daughter 3 mos. younger than DS, she is one of those mythical "easy" babies who goes to anyone, sleeps like a rock, eats anything, and yes I'm insanely jealous...LOL). So after I get finished telling her about the speech eval and she already knows about the autism eval, she says, jokingly, "next child, don't bother to breastfeed," and laughs. I had major problems with bfing in the beginning, we had to use a supplemental nursing system, finger feeds, herbs, pumps, the whole nine...to be able to breastfeed. I struggled with it because it was important to me. I also chose to stay home with DS rather than return to work, a decision I made when he was 12 weeks old. Neither of these courses of action were easy for me, it has been an uphill battle. When my friend said that, I asked her, "what does THAT have to do with anything?" She then went on to say how I had worked so hard to do everything "right," so my child would be "perfect," and how that it had all been for naught. Needless to say, I was pretty offended. I said, "he is perfect, he's himself." Then I told her I needed to go, and she got upset, asked me if what she'd said had upset me. I told her yes, but that it was okay, I knew she didn't mean to be ugly, and that I would get over it. I just needed to get off the phone and "cool down," I suppose. She got very upset and asked what she could do, to make her understand, and I told her that I couldn't make her understand, quite frankly, because she didn't have a special needs child. I reassured her that I knew she was only joking, and that me being offended would be short lived, and that it was fine. She started to cry and said she had to go and hung up. I called her back immediately and she didn't answer.
Ugh. I can't believe this is me. I can't believe I'm the mother of a special needs child. I can't believe I'm the one dealing with the endless doctor's appointments and diagnoses and therapies and now dealing with friends' and family reactions to it all. It's like I'm watching it all happen from outside of my body. I watch, sympathetically, and say, "oh, that must be hard," and mentally change the channel. How on earth did I get here?
I feel badly for making my friend upset, but she and I have always been honest with one another, and I can't/won't lie to her. But I also wanted her to understand that I will be okay, I know she wasn't trying to be malicious. She just touched a nerve, and I'm still pretty raw from this whole autism eval/ speech delay thing. I'm worried about my son.
This just sucks. I feel that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach again. Sigh.
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Her comment was innapropriate and not funny....regardless of whether or not your son has special needs. I know she didn't mean to be offensive but it was.
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I know she didn't. And I know it was inappropriate, but I feel like I have to take the high road here, because there will be another time something like this will happen, and I need to learn to deal with it now constructively, kwim?
She wasn't trying to be ugly. She was trying to lighten up the conversation. She just went about it ALL wrong.
Originally Posted by AngelBee
Her comment was innapropriate and not funny....regardless of whether or not your son has special needs. I know she didn't mean to be offensive but it was. |
She wasn't trying to be ugly. She was trying to lighten up the conversation. She just went about it ALL wrong.
Of course she didnt mean it to be ugly....but the truth if the matter is that it WAS ugly and inappropriate.I really think you have too much going on to feel ANY sort of guilt about your friends own guilt.You should have told her it upset you and you did. SHE should have felt bad and she did.I think you should spare no one's feelings at the "seeming" expense of your child and of this ongoing process-you need support not jokes.
No matter what your son's condition-HE IS PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL AND PRECIOUS and what a blessing! HE will teach you things you have never dreamed and you will learn to view things from a totally different perspective!It can be overwhelming I am sure.....
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As for the "high road" thing- I dont agree with that one moment.As if this isnt hard for you enough you shouldnt have to deal with anyones future comments or issues regarding your son...you shouldnt have to adapt to them as you are already adapting to your sons needs.They should take the high road for YOU.
No matter what your son's condition-HE IS PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL AND PRECIOUS and what a blessing! HE will teach you things you have never dreamed and you will learn to view things from a totally different perspective!It can be overwhelming I am sure.....
As for the "high road" thing- I dont agree with that one moment.As if this isnt hard for you enough you shouldnt have to deal with anyones future comments or issues regarding your son...you shouldnt have to adapt to them as you are already adapting to your sons needs.They should take the high road for YOU.
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Let me just say that I know exactly where you are right now, and its ok to let loose on your best friend
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Her comment was inappropriate. its ok to be sensitive-- you were hurting and she should have picked up on it-- even if you were trying to act like everything was ok.
Talk to her abt it a little more if it really is bothering you, butI would just let it go.
heather
Talk to her abt it a little more if it really is bothering you, butI would just let it go.
heather
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That was a completely uncalled for remark. I know it's hard for people who are on the outside looking in but still that's not nice. I have been in many an awkward conversation regarding my son there is no graceful way out.
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Finch...
Just checking in to see how you and you friend are doing. Did you get a chance to talk to her about her comments? I really hope you're doing better than the day you posted- you really had nothing to feel bad over.
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Shannon
Just checking in to see how you and you friend are doing. Did you get a chance to talk to her about her comments? I really hope you're doing better than the day you posted- you really had nothing to feel bad over.
Shannon
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Yeah, we exchanged emails (good ones, not bad ones) because she was working night shift. That was actually a good thing, because I was able to send her those essays "Welcome to Holland," "Welcome to Beirut," and "The Special Mother" for her to get sort of an understanding of what it's like being the mother of a SN child. She also expressed anxiety over talking about the milestones of her "normal" dd, not wanting to cause me grief, so we had a long talk about that too.
It's all good, we're fine now.
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Thanks for asking.
Originally Posted by maxwill129 Finch... Just checking in to see how you and you friend are doing. Did you get a chance to talk to her about her comments? I really hope you're doing better than the day you posted- you really had nothing to feel bad over.
Shannon |
It's all good, we're fine now.
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Finch-glad to hear it!
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