DS had his ENT eval today to check his hearing and to see if he had fluid build up in his ears. We had to rule it out to make sure it wasn't a physiological problem causing his speech delays and vestibular issues. Of course his hearing is perfect (he actually let them test it...wow), and his ears are perfect from a fluid standpoint. So they immediately referred us to the speech clinic for an eval once he reaches 18 mos.. They were also pleased to hear we had the upcoming autism eval as well.
Anyway, I called my best friend of 18 years to tell her about the visit (she has a daughter 3 mos. younger than DS, she is one of those mythical "easy" babies who goes to anyone, sleeps like a rock, eats anything, and yes I'm insanely jealous...LOL). So after I get finished telling her about the speech eval and she already knows about the autism eval, she says, jokingly, "next child, don't bother to breastfeed," and laughs. I had major problems with bfing in the beginning, we had to use a supplemental nursing system, finger feeds, herbs, pumps, the whole nine...to be able to breastfeed. I struggled with it because it was important to me. I also chose to stay home with DS rather than return to work, a decision I made when he was 12 weeks old. Neither of these courses of action were easy for me, it has been an uphill battle. When my friend said that, I asked her, "what does THAT have to do with anything?" She then went on to say how I had worked so hard to do everything "right," so my child would be "perfect," and how that it had all been for naught. Needless to say, I was pretty offended. I said, "he is perfect, he's himself." Then I told her I needed to go, and she got upset, asked me if what she'd said had upset me. I told her yes, but that it was okay, I knew she didn't mean to be ugly, and that I would get over it. I just needed to get off the phone and "cool down," I suppose. She got very upset and asked what she could do, to make her understand, and I told her that I couldn't make her understand, quite frankly, because she didn't have a special needs child. I reassured her that I knew she was only joking, and that me being offended would be short lived, and that it was fine. She started to cry and said she had to go and hung up. I called her back immediately and she didn't answer.
Ugh. I can't believe this is me. I can't believe I'm the mother of a special needs child. I can't believe I'm the one dealing with the endless doctor's appointments and diagnoses and therapies and now dealing with friends' and family reactions to it all. It's like I'm watching it all happen from outside of my body. I watch, sympathetically, and say, "oh, that must be hard," and mentally change the channel. How on earth did I get here?
I feel badly for making my friend upset, but she and I have always been honest with one another, and I can't/won't lie to her. But I also wanted her to understand that I will be okay, I know she wasn't trying to be malicious. She just touched a nerve, and I'm still pretty raw from this whole autism eval/ speech delay thing. I'm worried about my son.
This just sucks. I feel that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach again. Sigh.