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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just lost my daughter on 10/12/06 and all I can think about is getting pregnant right away. I have reasons for why I would like to - I am 36 1/2; I want to get my child bearing days completed soon so I can take my career off hold; I long to hold a baby and nurse a baby and raise another child. I know that another child will never replace my Isabella, but I so much want another living child to raise.

Plus, it is so hard with DS1, always asking about his sister; wanting to see her picture and carry it around with him.

Please tell me that this is not an abnormal feeling right now....please tell me I am not insane for feeling the way I do.

Melissa S.
 

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I think you're totally and completely normal in wanting to be pregnant again so soon.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Melissa.
 

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You are soooo not insane. I feel the same way now, and I felt the same way after my daughter Raime was stillborn & I had Lili a year later. I think it's really super common. You wanted a baby, you prepared for a baby, you were ready for a baby... just because your baby died, your desire for one did not...
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by khaoskat View Post
I just lost my daughter on 10/12/06 and all I can think about is getting pregnant right away. I have reasons for why I would like to - I am 36 1/2; I want to get my child bearing days completed soon so I can take my career off hold; I long to hold a baby and nurse a baby and raise another child. I know that another child will never replace my Isabella, but I so much want another living child to raise.

Plus, it is so hard with DS1, always asking about his sister; wanting to see her picture and carry it around with him.

Please tell me that this is not an abnormal feeling right now....please tell me I am not insane for feeling the way I do.

Melissa S.
I'm so sorry about your precious, daughter. The good news is, no you are not alone! Its very common and NORMAL to feel that way. We lost Alexis in May at 39 weeks...and I felt so empty. I wanted to get preggo ASAP. But now that time has passed, my "baby fever" as I call it had toned down. We still hope for a pregnancy sometime within the next few months, but for now we are just enjoying life and our kids. Don't fret. These are all normal feelings, and you will be fine.
 

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I truly understand what you are saying.

The longer I waited, the easier it was for me to decide. I truly hand to sit on my hand and I did alot of praying....

 

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I am so sorry for your loss.
It is normal and perhaps one of the ways we women cope with our loss.

I had a miscarrige in July and while that is nothing compared to your pain, part of my healing was to get back in the saddle so to speak. Now, here I am 12 weeks pregnant.

Best wishes to you.
 

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Oh what you are feeling is so normal!! The second I found out Alexa had died, I told my Dh we are trying again!! Literally, before she was even born! You have heavy empty arms & they hurt & long to hold your baby so bad. But I will tell you it does get easier. Take your time to heal & grieve your baby. I ended up getting pg 6 months after I had Alexa (I was advised to wait that long due to my c-sec) and even thought I thought I was ready, I was not. That pg ended in m/c and once that happened I knew I was not ready. I am now pg & feel the time is finally right. I do understand the time clock thing, I just turned 37, but waiting for some time to heal is better.
Good luck whatever you decide to do!!
 

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Oh mama,
I am sorry for your loss and totally understand how you feel. I was completely obsessed with the thought of when and if to have another baby. I still think about it a lot but I feel much more at peace and am able to wait for the right time more patiently now.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by khaoskat View Post
I just lost my daughter on 10/12/06 and all I can think about is getting pregnant right away. I have reasons for why I would like to - I am 36 1/2; I want to get my child bearing days completed soon so I can take my career off hold; I long to hold a baby and nurse a baby and raise another child. I know that another child will never replace my Isabella, but I so much want another living child to raise.

My god, I could have wrote that post! I do know what you are feeling. It has been 2 months since I lost my baby and that is still all I can think about. It's so hard when I get my period. I feel the same way that you do. I am 30 and I know I don't have many years left. I felt that urge to nurse right after it was over with too. That feeling has faded, mainly because my milk dried up, but I still long to hold my baby and rock it and take care of it.
So, Yes! You are very normal. I didn't think I was at first, I thought that I had something wrong with me because I just couldn't let go, but after coming here I realized that I have not gone crazy, that everything I am feeling is normal.
 

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I felt the exact same way.

I actually hoped I was PG before I got my first PPAF. I wasn't, and that ended up being a good thing. Not that I wasn't crushed to get AF, but the timing of things ended up working out SO perfectly, I had to see that was best.

*I was still pregnant when the one year mark hit, not dealing with grief AND trying to enjoy my new baby at the same time. I realized I needed that time, to work through things.

*My sister got pregnant one month before I did, her first. We had a BALL being pregnant together!

*DH got a job shortly before my EDD. It met all our needs, and he's now gotten benefits and a raise!

There is no one "right time" to get pregnant after a loss. Aside from medical concerns that would affect the risk-level of a subsequent pregnancy, the right time for you to have another baby is when YOU are ready.
 

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I think its very normal. After my son died, thats all I could think about. The thought of another baby consumed me at first. Gradually, it went away, and I did become pregnant 7 months later. But those feelings at first were so strong, seems like it was the only little bit of hope I had at the time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I have decided that I want to take the "let nature take its course" approach. Not actively TTC, but also not actively try to prevent. I need to talk to DH about his feelings on this though.
 

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i go back in forth
in a way i feel so selfish about all the "work" i put into Rain, with no return....so to speak

i know i want a baby right now....if anyone on the street asked me to take their baby, i would with out hesitation.
infact i wondered while in the hospital if i could adopt in time to still have milk.
my dh was a little freaked out!

we are moving to another city in a few weeks...a new state infact...i am getting the hell out of here.
but after that, i think i am going to sign up to take foster babies...it is something i had always thought i would do and after having ellaina, i kind of los thte drive to do that...
now that drive is more intense than ever.
i have to do that in honor of Rain, no matter if i ever have another baby myself or not.

but
when i think about another 9 months of constant prego mode....and all the work of pregnancy....and what it does to my body...
i am not ready to give freely of myself yet with no expectation of having an end result of a healthy live body.
and i think that is the only way i can go into next time, to stay sane.

and there is the matter of getting my dh on board...whenever i finally do feel ready.
 

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I feel like in some ways if I have another baby, it will be honoring the baby I lost. I had three kids (one set of twins) so easily, that this loss really put me in check with reality. My pregnancy was such a surprised and so unplanned and we really didn't want to get pregnant right then. I was even on bc when I got pregnant! I am starting to think that maybe this happened for a reason. It really tested our relationship and it really showed me how much my hubby loves me. I know now that I will be a better mama to the next one and that baby will be the most loved baby in the world.
 

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No -you're not insane. When I found out that I would be m/c I didn't think I would want to try again because I never planned on having another child anyway. But I'm finding that talking about it and thinking about the possibility helps me feel better. That baby will never replace the one that is lost, but for some reason, the thought of another seems to help.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
 

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I too am so sorry for your loss. I have been walking around for5 mos now thinking that not one person "get's it"...
I just joined this section of the forum a few days ago, and for the first time I dont feel alone. My DD Molly was born june 1st at 25 weeks gestation. I will ellaborate in another post, but I wnated to comment on being pregnant again. I felt like I was obsessed over deciding whether to have another in the future or not. I kept coming up with reasons not to, like vacations or not wnating my body to change yet again...but everytime I looked at the things taht would have been Molly's, I could jsut close my eyes and imagine another baby suckling at my breast, my girls loving another baby etc. It would make me feel more at peace. I wnated to use my baby things again. But I knew taht couldnt be reason enough to have another baby. I was seeing a counsellor and she said "Jen, you dont have to decide today or even next year...take your time and grieve and then do what feels right, dont overthink it too much or you'll drive yoursef bonkers". This was about 6 weeks ago, after what would have been Molly's Due Date. 5 days after her due date this pregnancy started Sept 20. I am almost 7 weeks now...and I gotta be honest. I was excited when I found out, and I still am on some levels...but I am sooo emotional and missing Molly sooo much and trying to make sense of how I feel. I was laying in bed crying yesterday because this baby will be born almost a month after Molly's Birthday, only one year later. After I had my first loss between my 1st DD Em and 2nd DD Eden, I felt after Eden was born taht I could not have had Eden if it werent for taht early loss...it was a consolation because I know Eden and love her to bits. With Molly it is different...where is the consolation? I would never see this baby as a consolation, because I had Molly too...but if Molly had sucrvived, I wouldnt have this baby. But I gotta be honest, I knew Molly and loved her and loved her an held her...I dont know this baby yet, and although I keep imagng this new mystery baby...and how much I will love him or her...I want my Molly back. I wish this baby wanst in the equation of Molly. I wish now in some ways, that this baby could have happened either way, that make sense? If I got pregnant a year from now, that would have meant I could have had this baby even If Molly had survived...would that have felt better to me? Because to have this baby tahts in my tummy right now, I HAD to lose MOlly and it breaks my heart.

I also wnated to touch on the milk thing. When my milk came in, I felt so panicky about it. it felt so wrong to purposely try and dry it up...there was so much of it. I started pumping and then I was looking through the community for someone who may need it. There was no one and I was devastated. Then I was hoping someone would need a home for their baby and I wouldnt have to dry up my milk. So instead of drinking Sage tea and using cabbage, I left them alone and eventually they dried up a few weeks later...it seemed gentler somehow. I mourned my milk a lot.

Then, as a Doula, I decided I would become useful in assisting women with birthing a lost baby. I soon realized that this would be difficult to come by...seeing as it usually happens suddenly and sometimes during the birth. I took 4 mos off from assisting births, I was afraid of what a prospective client would think if they found out I had lost a baby in June. You knwo how the stereotypes go...anyways, i attended a birth a few weeks ago, only 4 days before learning I was pregnant again. I knew while at the birth, there had to be some deeper reason why being there was not difficult. My body knew there was new life inside of me.

In summary...man I blather on...From a grief aspect this pregnancy is too soon for me...from my body's aspect, I guess its ready to move on, but morning sickness was less than a year ago..too fresh, but I'm surviving. Emotionally, I am not ready and will need a lot of support I can tell. But the good news is, my girls are excited for their new baby and have assured me that this baby will be "fine". Grateful taht they are so confident, I was worried how they would feel about it. I am excited taht my youngest daughter will hopefully get to find out what its really like when Mommy has a baby...that you actually get to have a baby to love afterwards, most of the time. This broke my heart. I am excited because seeing other pregnant mamas no longer upsets me, being at births are exciting to me again...but tehre are still kinks...its not the magical answer, but its HOPE.
 

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What you are feeling is completely normal.

I think your plan to "let nature take it's course" is great. My ds1 was stillborn at 38 weeks. I was induced to deliver him (we had already learned he had died) and there, during the induction, I decided I was determined to get pg again IMMEDIATELY. It was crazy because we'd been through years of infertility.

I became obsessed with having another child, to the point that it really hurt my relationship with dh. I was just so desperate to have a living child to hold and to raise. I ended up conceiving ds2 just one week before what would have been ds1's first birthday. They were born 20 months apart.

Now that it is in in the past, I am glad a year went past. It gave me some solid time to grieve (not that that process is ever truly over) and time for my body to heal (both sons were delivered via c-section).

I am 35 now and, although I really, really want ds2 (15 months) to have a living sibling to grow up with, I have not even discussed it with dh. Our relationship is still healing. I hear the ticking of the biological clock and I hope it becomes a reality for us soon.
 
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