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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
To get right to the point, my ex just calls me and asks if I have any of DS's old shoes around that he can have. His girlfriend's son needs a pair. I said no. Now I feel super guilty.

Why? I don't know, I guess I just feel like if there is any way I can help a child I should, you know? I'm sure they don't have the money to go out a buy shoes right at this moment, because they're both (ex and GF) pretty irresponsible and want to act like teenagers, blowing their money on their toys and such. They both have jobs, make enough money for what they want, and here I am a SAHM with NO financial support at all from ex at this time.

So, I'm torn. I feel bad that I can't help this kid, but at the same time I feel like he was very out of line even asking me, considering our situation. Also, I had his girlfriends DD over yesterday to play with my DS (they're buddies) bought her lunch and all of that jazz, so I think they now assume that I'll be willing to offer up whatever they need.

*sigh* I guess I just needed to vent, because now I feel like a jerk... Thanks a lot EX for ruining my day!
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UGH! I'm so torn for you. My first reaction is yes! give the little one some shoes, you'd do it for a stranger.

But then I thought, you all have a history together, they are irresponsible and it isn't your job to save the world.

Then I go back to well, it's not the world, it's one kid and he shouldn't have to suffer because of his parents faults.

Maybe offer to SELL the shoes for a low price? Yeah, that would be better. If they wanted shoes they would have to pay for them, so why not offer the shoes for a reasonable price? 4-5 dollars, maybe?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I wouldn't even sell them, I'd give them away. It's not the money... Well, besides the fact that they'd rather not spend their money on it... It's just that they had money last night to drive to Boston to party, get their cigarettes and drinks and what not… He just got paid on Thursday, so… I imagine they could go to goodwill or something and spend 2 dollars. But they're pretty picky… Have to have the "nice stuff" and my DS does have a lot of nice stuff, which is why he asked me I am sure :/ That's the big reason why I hesitate. If I thought for a second that this kid was barefoot and cold, there would be NO question in my mind on what to do, fwiw...

I am so torn…
 

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If I had shoes that were outgrow or that my child wouldn't wear, I would pass them on, but I wouldn't take shoes off my child's feet. I'm not sure what situation you're in at the moment.

I might also point out that I found a brand new pair of boots for my ds for $4 on sale at ARC, I don't think that they've ever been worn before, they are very nice.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I'm going to go dig through old bags and see if I can find something... Or else it's going to bug me all week.

I'm still kind of pissed that this is the guy who recently spent 3 grand on DJ equipment but claims he can't afford pajamas for DS... But what the heck, it isn't going to hurt me to help out this little guy.
 

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It's nice of you to share your son's old shoes. But really you are helping your ex and his girlfriend. As you said, the child is not barefoot and cold. His mom and dad (don't know if your ex is his dad) have made other choices with their money and that is why THEY need help right now. Is the child going to suffer if he has to wait two weeks until your ex gets paid again?
 

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wellll i'm a bigger jerk than you ladies i guess; i say, if he keeps on getting handouts he's not going to learn to be responsible for himself and the kids he OUGHT to be spending his money on. honestly.
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Good thing you said no, not suppose to wear others peoples shoes anyways, expecially kids, someones elses shoes are molded to there feet, and can cause problems to another persons feet.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovemy2ds View Post
Good thing you said no, not suppose to wear others peoples shoes anyways, expecially kids, someones elses shoes are molded to there feet, and can cause problems to another persons feet.
I never even considered that...

Turns out I can't help anyway. I looked through DS's old things and there isn't anything in his size.

I would have liked to have helped the little boy. Not so much ex and gf though, they need to grow up… I really hate being out in positions like this, as they just weigh on my mind like crazy!

By the way, ex is not the father of her kids, they've only been togther a few months now. He's just supposed to be supporting them all of a sudden, since they're living together... though he hasn't been supporting our DS AT ALL.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten View Post
wellll i'm a bigger jerk than you ladies i guess; i say, if he keeps on getting handouts he's not going to learn to be responsible for himself and the kids he OUGHT to be spending his money on. honestly.
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I'll be the big jerk with you. I'd probably say something like, "I'm sorry. I'm keeping them to sell so I can afford to buy food for our child."

Evil? Maybe.
 

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I'd give it a big no. It's like putting out food for squirrels. They'll come back looking for more, and next thing you know, you're clothing gf's kid.

It's unfortunate that the kid has crap parents, but you've got more than enough to worry about for yours. Give the outgrowns to Goodwill, take the deduction, and move on. Then if x/gf want used shoes, they can shop at Goodwill.
 

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What if the mama was an MDC mama in need during Holiday Helpers and needed shoes. Would you ask her if she'd recently been to a party? Would you refer to her as a squirrel who would just keep coming back for more if you gave to her? Would you call her a crap parent?
 

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What's the word Dr Phil and the like would use? Oh Yeah "Enabling" them - Tee hee - gives me a giggle to use psychobabble....

Seriously though, I wouldn't stress about the shoes - Your ex was probably just chancing his arm that he might get away with not spending money - the little guy won't suffer unduly for not getting shoes from you - they'll get them for him from somewhere!

I think the point should be that he should be paying for your baby's shoes - how is he getting away with this? Your priority is your child not someone else's (although I do understand your feelings for the ex's gf's kids - however, shouldn't their father be paying up too?)...

I would be extremely pissed off if my baby's father was dipping into funds to buy DJing equipment when I was trying to bring up his baby... You are a better woman than I am (although I am sure there is more to the story than you are sharing with us...)...

Don't lose sleep over this - just keep loving your little one and thank God that you are in a position to pay for his things... Send those silly people to Goodwill and those types of stores because I just know there are brand new items there that will suit their "standards" - I am dropping off a whole set of new things myself this week because DD got too big TOO quickly and I never had a chance to get them on her (and she is only 9 weeks old!)...

Good luck!
 

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I'm with fek&fuzz on this one: for all we know, giving them to Goodwill is enabling alcholic, chain-smoking drug addicts -- such a person might buy our castoffs there and spend the rest of the kids' clothing budget on liquor and kiddie porn. If everyone helped only people they approved of, there woudl be even more hungry kids in the world.

I wouldn't hesitate to help the kid if I could, and wouldn't hesitate to say no if I genuinely couldn't.
 

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Not a single mama but want to comment...

I wholeheartedly agree with Lolly's post above.

With all due respect, this is not the same as withholding donations from Goodwill because you doubt the intentions of unknown recipients. This happens to be a very well known recipient who is obviously not needy.

I doubt very much that your ex and his g/f literally don't have the money for a pair of shoes for her kid. Now, if they were out of work or on public assistance, it would be right for you to honor the request, but this is not the case. He was probably just trying to get a freebie from you, so they could pocket the money for more partying. If you happened to come up with a pair, he'd probably call you again for other things from your children.

Your helping would certainly enable their irresponsible lifestyle. And, please don't worry about the little guy not having shoes. I have a feeling he'll have a new pair really soon. They will either ask someone else for a second-hand pair. If this fails, they'll have to get him a new pair. Now, that will mean one round of drinks less for your ex and his g/f, but, hey, they'll survive the hardship.
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks everyone! Your opinions and advice are appreciated.

I talked to ex again and let him know that I didn't even have anything suitable here, and he was basically like "oh well, thanks anyway… I'll just pick some up at goodwill tomorrow". So yeah, obviously they are not in dyer need for shoes.

Even so, I guess I am just a bit of a bleeding heart in these matters. I like her kids, and my DS and her daughter are friends, so while I would like to help but my ex's nerve just really bugs me… If I am friendly to him he all of a sudden acts as if he is entitled to all sorts of things from me. Anyway, that's a whole different thread!


Quote:

Originally Posted by Lolly2006 View Post
I think the point should be that he should be paying for your baby's shoes - how is he getting away with this? Your priority is your child not someone else's (although I do understand your feelings for the ex's gf's kids - however, shouldn't their father be paying up too?)...
Absolutely, he should be helping financially with our DS, but to be honest I am just so happy to be rid of him, that it's easier for me right now to not force the CS issue. Now that we're no longer living together he feels like he is free to act in a way I never allowed (ie. like a kid with no responsibility) so he's going nuts with having his own money. But, he jumped into living with someone and became the "new daddy" so now he has all this responsibility to them. And I don't even need money from him right now, so, I'm just biding my time for a minute. Silly maybe, but it really is less stressful at the moment for me and DS. As for the GF's kids, there is no dad invloved so my ex is filling that slot, for the moment
I really feel for those kids...

Yikes, I'm rambling on now. Whatever, it's a wacky situation to say the least!
 

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The thing is that these people HAVE the money and simply choose to spend it elsewhere. This boy won't go cold and hungry. These parents are unfortunately going to have to buy the shoes and bum a couple of cigs.
 

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If I had them to give, I'd probably do it because it isn't the kid's fault and I hate to see any child go without. But I do understand your feelings and actually he does have nerve to ask...
 

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I think it would be a mistake to help them because you wouldn't really be helping, you'd be enabling.
 
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