Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 54 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
720 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I did a bad, bad thing people. I admit it I'm a jerk, i snooped on my DH by looking at his text messages that he recieved and sent. They were overly friendly but not "sexual." They still made my gut twist.

A little background info, my DH has a female friend who has a kid that he knew a long time before we even met. He talks to her frequently. I have never met her and had no interest in meeting her because frankly I think she wants to take advantage of my DH's knight in shining armor complex. He likes to play conselor to people (especially women it seems) who are in abusive relationships or depressed. Well this woman's ex-husbad is aparently stalking her and she calls my DH for advice. Only it seemed like in the text messages she wanted more comfort than advice. She texted him saying something to the effect of "I'm depressed" and he responded with (including emoticon) "don't worry you have Noah (her son) and me
."

Ok people am I being super paranoid here. Its the
that completely weirds me out. We have a lot of crap going on right now and I'm really hoping this is me being paranoid but it doesn't feel right. I've never liked this friendship he has and have said so many times but he has always been honest about talking to her. I know I was a complete jerk for snooping but I'm so stressed right now that i don't even know what I'm doing. Please, I need a non-objective opinion.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,553 Posts
I'd have a huge problem with that as well. No advice right now, I'll post again if I think of something intelligent and not petty, but I wanted to offer a
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,188 Posts
I would have a problem with it as well. I wouldn't be able to handle it if my DH had a friend like that and I had nothing to do with that friend myself. I think he needs to close that part of his life off. Why does he feel the need to hold on to someone like that if he is now married? He should move on. If she needs counseling she needs to seek help through a church or her community. That type of person can break up a marriage easily.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
720 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I think what i most resent is her expectation that he will be there for her and he shouldn't be. I'm actually more concerned that he wrote that and didn't think about what she could infer from it. I KNOW he loves me, I know he finds me attractive, TMI but we have a really good sex life despite a 3 year old sleeping in our room and me being almost 8 months pregnant. I know there is always the possibilty that he is being unfaithful but i have a really hard time thinking he would do that. I've asked him a few times to please, please stop being her support person because i need him to be mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm not being needy enough for him, like he thinks he doesn't need to be there for me because i am a very strong person so he has to get out his "knight in shining armor" complex out some other way. he always says he'll stop talking to her but then she pops back up with a new crises of the moment. I want, need to talk to him about this but I'm afraid he will be really angry that I spied on him and honestly he should be. I don't know what to do or think.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
710 Posts
I generally think that it's best to "trust your gut," in this case literally. Even if there's nothing logically wrong with what's going on, your instincts are telling you something different. My stomach is my best decision-maker - whenever I've ignored it, I've regretted it. Even if the friendship is perfectly innocent, I think that it's legitimate for you to feel very uncomfortable with it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,633 Posts
I probably would not have a problem with it. If he is generally honest about his friendship with her, I wouldn't read that as anything more than a friend trying to be supportive. It sounds like it fits with his general personality and he's known her for a long time.

But if I was uncomfortable about my dh's friendship with someone I would probably spend a lot of time talking (with an open mind about the person) to dh and trying to put my finger on just what the problem was for me. You don't say anything more about why you don't like the friendship. Do you feel it's too much of a drain on your dh's time and energy and that it's detrimental to the family? Are you concerned she's taking advantage of your dh?
ETA: I see I crossed with you. I have to go and put my ds to bed, so maybe I'll come back later...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
720 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Quote:
Do you feel it's too much of a drain on your dh's time and energy and that it's detrimental to the family? Are you concerned she's taking advantage of your dh?
Exactly those reasons. I also think she is hoping that my husband will cheat on me with her. I've flat out told him that and he said he didn't think so. Like he honestly didn't think she would be doing something like that, and my DH is not a good liar (at least i didnt think he is). One of my greatest fears is that he is cheating on me and everyone will say "didn't you see it coming, it was so obvious" when no i clearly didn't see anything. I never wanted to meet her because frankly i have enough Drama in my life KWIM and i already guessed that any friendship would be a one way friendship (her way) which I've done my best to stop having after having my DS.

How do I discuss this with him because either way someone's feelings are going to get hurt? Either he is having an affair (emotionally or physically) or he will because i am obviously making it clear I don't trust him. Am I just going to make the situation worse by telling him i 'm weirded out by this?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,654 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Beckula View Post
How do I discuss this with him because either way someone's feelings are going to get hurt? Either he is having an affair (emotionally or physically) or he will because i am obviously making it clear I don't trust him. Am I just going to make the situation worse by telling him i 'm weirded out by this?
Things will likely be awkward if you press the issue with him, but the alternative is you continuing to feel uncomfortable with your husband's relationship with another woman. It seems to me that he is already having an affair with her (might only be emotional at this point, but I would not necessarily assume it is limited to that).

And btw, I think if you suspect this woman is interested in your husband, you NEED to meet her. She needs to see and know that you are his very real WIFE. What happens from there? I don't know. No one knows. But I highly advise you trust your gut and don't let him or her talk you out of how you feel. He is your husband and really has no business being the pillar of emotional stability for another woman.

Oh, and FWIW, if her ex husband is really stalking her (I suspect he is not) she needs to call the police, not your husband.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,491 Posts
that is bad. He know this is bothersome to you, and makes you distrust him...yet he continues??

we had a slightly similar situation awhile ago. It was dh's best love and the girl he though he'd marry but she didn't have time for him...well fast forward years and she's myspace messaging poems for him and telling him the dreams she's had about him.

I had a big problem fast. He was flattered and that's a problem.

So we talked and after a little while he finally got it through his head that it wasn't innocent or sweet, it was her trying to recapture being an object of attention. He gave me his log in and password to reassure me. Though I've never checked up on him since I felt he finally "got" my problem; he didn't agree with it but it was enough that his wife had a problem with it and stopped communicating. He also forwards me anything she writes, (not that I asked or even read it) it's like a token and he wants to be an open book. I really appreciate it since this woman is GORGEOUS and I know how hard and how long he fell for her. Not comfortable at all.

You two have takled about this? Is he willing to be open to you, or stop seeing her if thats what you demand?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
176 Posts
Ok this may be me but I just don't see anything wrong here. You said that his is a friend not someone he dated correct. This is someone he knew before you and you are choosing not to meet her is somewhat rude (to your husband) IMO. How can you assume that she wants to take advantage of him when you have never meet her? The text seems to be that of friends. We all lean on friends in time of need for comfort and advise. And I just don't see anything wrong with the wink, just a friend trying to make another friend smile.

If he has always been honest then why does this bother you? This seems to be an issue of trust on your part. Maybe this is more of your issue than his issue.

I hope all is well in your marriage and you feel more secure in this friendship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,094 Posts
Quote:
I've asked him a few times to please, please stop being her support person because i need him to be mine.
Is he off spending hours with her when you need him at home helping you with the kids? Or is their relationship just the phone calls and texted messages? What I mean is, is his support for her actually getting in the way of him supporting you? Or is he able to do both?

From what you've described, this woman is not an old flame. He knew her before he met you, so if he had been interested he could have taken action back then and he didn't, right? It doesn't sound to me like your dh is interested in her. She might be interested in him, but it takes two to tango, KWIM?

Full disclosure: I'm coming at this from my own experience; I had a male friend for years before and after getting married. This guy was in love with me; I knew it and dh knew it. I had never been attracted to him in that way but he was a good friend and was also fairly needy and I wanted to be there for him. My dh never asked me to stop seeing him (I even stayed at this guy's apartment on out of town trips!) because dh trusted *me*. It had nothing to do with the other guy's intentions, it had everything to do with my integrity. If my husband had asked me to stop seeing him, I suppose I would have honored that request (and I know your dh hasn't done that, that is a problem) but quite frankly I would have been unhappy about it -- not because I just had to see the other guy but because it showed that my husband didn't trust me.

From the information you've posted so far, it sounds to me to be more one of those situations. Maybe you and he can find a compromise where he can continue the relationship in a way that allays your fears. Like the open book idea that Rockies suggested?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,619 Posts
I don't know, it seems like you're making some pretty serious accusations and assumptions about this woman based only on some limited-context text messages and whatever your husband has told you about her. Why on earth wouldn't you want to meet one of his close friends? I have a hard time understanding that. I don't like some of my partner's friends, but I always am glad I met them. It's worth an hour of drama to have a real human being to put behind those text messages.

It's possible that you're right and your husband is doing something with this woman behind your back, and that it's instinct talking to you, but it could also be that "worst fear" of yours talking. I'd ask your husband if you and he can do lunch with her sometime. Seeing them together may allay your fears, or it may confirm your suspicions, but it'll give you a little more to go on than an innocent sounding text message.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,282 Posts
I agree with Naless and Thao.

If you're so concerned, you should meet the woman. Could be meeting her will put a lot of your fears to rest. Also, she's a good and old friend of your DH, so not meeting her is kind of weird and makes you look sullen, jealous, and pouty.

If your husband's emotional support of this friend is taking time and energy away from your family, then there's an issue. If you're just uncomfortable because she's a woman, then I think you need to work on this. Does he have other female friends? If so, how is his relationship with them? Do you have male friends? Does he have issues with them?

I have a lot of very good male friends. My DH knows this, knows them, and I also make a real effort to be open to their partners, have the partners over to dinner, etc. It doesn't always "click" and we're not all going to be happy couple friends, but I made the effort and I think that's important. So, maybe make that effort to get to know her, and examine if you really have cause to be jealous or if there is something else from your life and/or your past that make you so uncomfortable with your DH having a female friend.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,212 Posts
I'd meet her, and try my best to be friendly.

And it's not that you're paranoid; it's that sometimes the emotional connections our guys get with other women is more painful than actual physical cheating would be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,494 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by A&A View Post
And it's not that you're paranoid; it's that sometimes the emotional connections our guys get with other women is more painful than actual physical cheating would be.

This is exactly my train of thought.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,690 Posts
have you read the book Not Just Friends? http://www.amazon.com/NOT-Just-Frien...0470709&sr=8-1
i'm NOT saying your husband is cheating or anything, but that book does an awesome job outlining emotional affairs, how they start going down the slippery slope and all the signs to look for.

i wouldn't like it either. then again, my ex had an affair so i'm pretty hypersensitive. still, if it's bothering you, it is something that your husband needs to help you with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,654 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by TheGirls View Post
It's possible that you're right and your husband is doing something with this woman behind your back,
But see that's the thing.... he may not even feel he is doing anything wrong or behind her back. But that's how emotional affairs are. They are "okay" because there is no sex. But where is his focus? On his family? Or on this other woman and her child?

A big read flag for me was that the OP mentioned her H has a knight in shining armor complex. Many, MANY affairs (emotional or otherwise) begin due to men feeling like they need/want to save people, and and all it takes is one woman to pick up on that an engage with him.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,630 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by mamameg View Post

And btw, I think if you suspect this woman is interested in your husband, you NEED to meet her. She needs to see and know that you are his very real WIFE. What happens from there? I don't know. No one knows. But I highly advise you trust your gut and don't let him or her talk you out of how you feel. He is your husband and really has no business being the pillar of emotional stability for another woman.

Oh, and FWIW, if her ex husband is really stalking her (I suspect he is not) she needs to call the police, not your husband.
:

When I start to question any of my DH's women-friends and co-workers, meeting them usually always puts my fears at ease. I agree that you need to meet this woman, and get a feel for her energy, and the way they act around each other and together, and the way she treats you. She does need to see you 2 as a real couple- husband and wife. It will make it more real for her, and you can take a better evaluation of your fears and accusations.

I don't see anything wrong with reading your DH's texts. If he were hiding something I suppose he would have deleted them before leaving his phone out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
143 Posts
I think a the bigger problem is that you refuse to meet or interact with one of your husbands old friends. You say they have been friends since before you two got together but that you won't meet her, why?

My best friend is male, we have been best friends since sophomore year in high school, and he has always been the test for other men in my life. I have been on the other end as well, he had a girlfriend who was very jealous of me for a long time and refused to meet me, finally we she did and we also became friends and she actually told me she was embarrassed that we hadn't met earlier becasue she could see from our interaction that there was no reason for her to worry about our deep friendship.

It sounds like you are possibly creating a tense situation which doesn't need to exist. You should look at why it bothers you that he has this female friend who he has been friends with for long time, it's not like this is a new relationship in which he has just met her and it's taking away from your relationship. He came with this friend, you should make an effort to meet and know her personally and not let your imagination run wild.

Good luck
 
1 - 20 of 54 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top