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It was my b day present. I got a 1 hour massage and DH took her out in the hall. It was his first time "alone" with the baby ever. The agreement, and only reason I agreed to leave her, was that if she cried at all he would come get me. So I am getting my massage, stressed as all heck, but telling myself since i dont hear her she is probably sleeping.<br><br>
I get out of the massage and on the floor of the waiting room is her changing pad, wipes, boots, toy all in a mess (DH is ocd so this is not normal) DH and baby nowhere in sight, I go down the hall to find DH sitting on the floor looking like a truck ran over him and my baby sleeping in his arms. He tells me that she was SCREAMING like he's never heard before for 40 minutes!!!!!!!!! 2 different people tried to help calm her down!<br><br>
I am so furious. I know he was only thinking of me but being an AP parent this is the exact experience I want to avoid! The thought of my baby screaming for me and not knowing where I am etc. just breaks my heart, she cried herself to sleep! its like CIO or something, I feel so horrible guilty, Ive been cruing all day. I took her and she woke up and she cried again and it took a few mintues for her to calm down and smile at me. All day every time DH takes her she starts crying.<br><br>
I am really mad at myself that I didn't check on her, I trusted that DH would bring her to me if she cried. I should've checked on them...<br><br>
ok deep breath..... I can't be mad at what has already happened, I don't know how people do it.<br><br>
It was good for DH, first time she cried and i wasn't there to save him from it, or her. Eventually she did fall asleep in his arms.<br><br>
How much of a horrible mom am I?<br>
Can anyone share stories of the first time they left baby?
 

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She was with her Daddy. She cried, but he was there loving her.<br><br>
Crying is not a bad thing. Crying alone is.<br><br>
You need to stop bashing yourself. I'm sure you haven't scarred her for life!!!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Learning_Mum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9888565"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She was with her Daddy. She cried, but he was there loving her.<br><br>
Crying is not a bad thing. Crying alone is.<br><br>
You need to stop bashing yourself. I'm sure you haven't scarred her for life!!!</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Learning_Mum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9888565"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She was with her Daddy. She cried, but he was there loving her.<br><br>
Crying is not a bad thing. Crying alone is.<br><br>
You need to stop bashing yourself. I'm sure you haven't scarred her for life!!!</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
My DD will get into screaming/crying fits where sometimes I can calm her down, other days DH is the only one who can calm her down, and sometimes, NOTHING and NO ONE can calm her down until she's ready to be calmed. Seriously. It's like she has to get something out. She's done this since Day 1. Happy happy happy, and then, she must just need to get it out sometimes...She still does it...although, sometimes now, she doesn't even like to be touched while she does it (she'll hit and fight and scream longer and louder if you do)...likes to have someone sit nearby (about 2-3 feet away), she screams/yells, and then crawls over when she's nearly done for cuddles.<br><br>
If it makes you feel any better, it is quite possible that she would have screamed with you there, as well. (Kind of a back-handed make you feel better, I suppose <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">)<br><br>
Also, as to screaming every time DH picks her up..same here, although it could be me, depending on who she's favoring that day.<br><br>
As for the first time I left baby...er...I ran down to the store for a half hour when she was a week old. DH took her for a few hours when she was a month or two. We left her with grammy and grampa for 3 days when she was 4.5 mos old (we had an out of state military event that was mandatory for my husband and "highly suggested" for me). We had no problems...she still likes going on "adventures" with people she knows.
 

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Totally normal for your dd to have that reaction. I noticed she is only about ten days older than my 2nd ds. He can spend the entire day with me but if I dare step out of sight he whines, cries, and follows me. I think its just a phase thing. His older brother acted the same way around 16-18 months. So don't worry, your dd is fine.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Learning_Mum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9888565"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She was with her Daddy. She cried, but he was there loving her.<br><br>
Crying is not a bad thing. Crying alone is.<br><br>
You need to stop bashing yourself. I'm sure you haven't scarred her for life!!!</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
Try not to be too hard on your DH, btw - he really did try his best to be a good father and husband, YK? I'm sure the others who helped him with the baby told him to let you have your break. The baby stage can be hard on dads since sometimes they just want mama!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tangozulu</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9889441"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
Try not to be too hard on your DH, btw - he really did try his best to be a good father and husband, YK? I'm sure the others who helped him with the baby told him to let you have your break. The baby stage can be hard on dads since sometimes they just want mama!</div>
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Yes to this.<br><br>
PLEASE don't be too hard on him. Really. It is such a balancing act for a new Dad. If he is a decent man, he wants to help you - he wants to give you a break - he was probably so happy that you got to have a massage and he did the best he could with the baby.<br><br>
Giving him the riot act for not calling you out is just not the way to go, KWIM? (Not saying you did or would, but it's an example.) It might make him feel like s***.<br><br>
And don't turn this into an issue of "trust" between the two of you. You are setting yourself up for nothing good. Do you have a good marriage? If you do - trust THAT, kwim? Don't get all wrapped up in this one (relatively small) incident. And yes, in the big picture - it is small. Just wait until the really big stuff starts happening - you are not anywhere near there yet. Go read the "Childhood Years" forum and "Pre-teens and Teens Forum" to get the big picture.<br><br>
Give him a chance to make his own mistakes because he will learn and your babe will learn, too. Your baby needs Daddy, too.<br><br>
From a Mom with two girls, now 5yo and almost 3yo, and a wonderful DH who worked hard to bond with his girls as babies - who sometimes really SCREAMED at him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamasaurus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9890013"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yes to this.<br><br>
PLEASE don't be too hard on him. Really. It is such a balancing act for a new Dad. If he is a decent man, he wants to help you - he wants to give you a break - he was probably so happy that you got to have a massage and he did the best he could with the baby.<br><br>
Giving him the riot act for not calling you out is just not the way to go, KWIM? (Not saying you did or would, but it's an example.) It might make him feel like s***.<br><br>
Give him a chance to make his own mistakes because he will learn and your child will learn, too. Your baby needs Daddy, too.</div>
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Totally agree with this.<br><br>
My kdis were both very comfortable being left with DH... but one thing I focused on, early on, was letting him find his way with them, so he had the confidence to hold them, sling them, care for them too. Confidence in dad leads, I think, to comfort and familiarity in baby.<br><br>
We started, simply enough, just with me taking time for a leisurely shower when DS was days old. I'd nurse DS, hand him to DH, and get myself the long, hot shower I needed to face the day before DH left for work. DS learned to know and trust Daddy, DH learned to be comfortable handling baby without me hovering over him. They had a bit of alone time (15-20 minutes, usually) from very early on. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it meant that by the time I went back to work 4 hours a day when DS was 4 months old, and DH was home in the mornings with DS, that they had found a rhythm and got along just fine.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>savithny</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9890071"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
We started, simply enough, just with me taking time for a leisurely shower when DS was days old. I'd nurse DS, hand him to DH, and get myself the long, hot shower I needed to face the day before DH left for work.</div>
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Great idea. Wish we had thought of this. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>savithny</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9890071"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My kdis were both very comfortable being left with DH... but one thing I focused on, early on, was letting him find his way with them, so he had the confidence to hold them, sling them, care for them too. Confidence in dad leads, I think, to comfort and familiarity in baby.<br></div>
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ITA! There were times early on when DP would be trying to handle something like bedtime and DS2 would cry.... probably more than he would have with me handling it. But, by letting DP find his own groove with DS, now we have a 3yo who enjoys each of us equally.<br><br>
I **LOVE** the bond they have. It was totally worth the few extra tears in the early years to be able to get to the place we are now.<br><br>
A little story: DP took DS2 (3yo) out of town for Thanksgiving this year to meet DP's grandmother (she's getting quite on in years & DP really wanted her to meet DS). I can't tell you how special it was for DS that he got to go on an airplane with his daddy! No tears (well, I cried a little in the car on the way home <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent">). He just put on his backpack and gave me a big hug and went off with daddy on his "big boy adventure". He was with his dad and he was A-OK!<br>
It was a beautiful thing to see and made me glad for all those little moments when I didn't step in to "save them" early on. They have a real relationship now, and that's a huge blessing for all of us.
 

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i second everything that's been said, and i've also found it reassuring to read this post cos i felt a lot of guilt last week when i came back from a massage to find my baby (then 8 weeks) inconsolably crying with my mom, who he's normally fine with...i felt SO bad cos i'd been on a couple of other errands that day, leaving him briefly with my mom, which was a new thing (i'm also practicing AP), and i think perhaps it was just too much separation for him to handle.<br>
I will take to heart what u more experienced moms have said about bonding with their dad too - i struggle with this at this stage but am trying to give them more time alone together, even tho i'm still 'listening out' for every whimper! its hard not to 'hover' and make sure everything's being done 'right', isnt it, but we do have to let them find their way with their babies! anyway its been an interesting thread to read, and i hope u are able to move through your guilt and give urself a big pat on the back for being a great mom.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Learning_Mum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9888565"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She was with her Daddy. She cried, but he was there loving her.<br><br>
Crying is not a bad thing. Crying alone is.<br><br>
You need to stop bashing yourself. I'm sure you haven't scarred her for life!!!</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod"><br><br>
However, since you specifically told him to come get you if she cried, I'd be pissed that my express wishes were ignored.
 

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Don't feel bad mama! Your DH and baby needs time to bond too so let them! I wish my DH would take them more often!! You are very lucky to get massage and your Dh cared about your free time to not tell you. How sweet...<br><br>
I let my DH hold DS2 more than DS1 and eventually he stopped crying as much...
 

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Why on earth would you consider yourself a horrible mother for leaving your child with her other parent?<br><br>
This kind of guilt is what gives AP a bad name. Don't ever feel like being a good mother means never being apart from your child for a moment, never taking the time you need as a human being to recharge. We all need that, mothers especially.<br><br>
And imo, it's doing a real disservice to fathers not to do this. How is the man going to learn to be a dad unless he has a chance to actually parent his child? It sounds like this was a good first step for him. Yes, your child may have cried for you, since you are all she knows. But do you want this to be the pattern of your life with her and her father? You've got a partner. Let him be one.<br><br>
(I don't mean to sound harsh; I know what it's like to feel that attached to a baby. But please, give yourself a break and give your husband a chance. He is a grown man and a father).
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zinemama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9896297"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Why on earth would you consider yourself a horrible mother for leaving your child with her other parent?<br><br>
This kind of guilt is what gives AP a bad name. Don't ever feel like being a good mother means never being apart from your child for a moment, never taking the time you need as a human being to recharge. We all need that, mothers especially.<br><br>
And imo, it's doing a real disservice to fathers not to do this. How is the man going to learn to be a dad unless he has a chance to actually parent his child? It sounds like this was a good first step for him. Yes, your child may have cried for you, since you are all she knows. But do you want this to be the pattern of your life with her and her father? You've got a partner. Let him be one.<br><br>
(I don't mean to sound harsh; I know what it's like to feel that attached to a baby. But please, give yourself a break and give your husband a chance. He is a grown man and a father).</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
Right on.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Learning_Mum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9888565"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She was with her Daddy. She cried, but he was there loving her.<br><br>
Crying is not a bad thing. Crying alone is.<br><br>
You need to stop bashing yourself. I'm sure you haven't scarred her for life!!!</div>
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<br><br>
You deserve time alone too.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zinemama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9896297"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Why on earth would you consider yourself a horrible mother for leaving your child with her other parent?<br><br>
This kind of guilt is what gives AP a bad name. Don't ever feel like being a good mother means never being apart from your child for a moment, never taking the time you need as a human being to recharge. We all need that, mothers especially.<br><br>
And imo, it's doing a real disservice to fathers not to do this. How is the man going to learn to be a dad unless he has a chance to actually parent his child? It sounds like this was a good first step for him. Yes, your child may have cried for you, since you are all she knows. But do you want this to be the pattern of your life with her and her father? You've got a partner. Let him be one.<br><br>
(I don't mean to sound harsh; I know what it's like to feel that attached to a baby. But please, give yourself a break and give your husband a chance. He is a grown man and a father).</div>
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Exactly.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s: my dd does the same thing if she cant see me-and she is 16 months!!!!! it doesnt matter if its my mom, dh or someone else she sees everyday, she flips out if she cant have me right then......i have only left her a handful of times and feel guilty every time but honestly she is not being hurt and she is with someone she knows and loves. eventually they will have to be away from us so i think it is a good thing to get them used to, kwim?
 
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