[Phoenix~Mama]

Is there a stunned emote? I took your advice and went back through my history and made a chart to bring to therapy with me...

I have to say the major eye opener right now is that I started posting about my messed up situation almost a year ago... my first post was April 2009. And I know and remember that the troubles began well before then... and that it took awhile for me to get courage to post about what was going on...

This is my 43rd new thread post in regards to my relationship. 43!! In ten months! And only three of those were posts about the "honeymoon" periods. And I also know that I didn't always post when things were happening because I tried to only post when I was Really hurting!!! Or sometimes I couldn't find the courage to post about something, because giving what happened the written word, probably would make it too real for me...

I feel foolish... I feel sick... I tried reading through some of the old threads and started getting far too emotional and just couldn't do it right now.

I think I wanted so desperately bad to beleive that H was really changing, that therapy was helping... but he has had some major slip-ups in the past couple weeks...

Just wow... this is a lot to process right now. Thank you for urging me to look back and write it all down... I just did not realize...

 

[Teenytoona]

Keep on moving, JSMa, you're getting there. I'm sure it was very difficult to do this. You know we're all pulling for you.

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Good for you!!! I know that must have been hard to do - but I'm SO PROUD of you!!

 

[sunnmama]

That must have been a shock

But what a valuable tool for you. Taking the chart to your therapist is a great idea.

Look at that history, and realize that is a journal of the first year of your precious child's life. Get angry. Don't let that be her entire childhood.

 

[Mrsboyko]

. I believe we were in the same DDC. one step at a time, you will make your way to a new, better life

 

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I am so glad you are starting to see all this a little more clearly. When I went back and looked at some of your really old threads, I thought, she MUST realize this?!?!?! But I just wasnt sure.

. You are not alone.

 

[NaturallyKait]

Goof job mama, you're very brave to look back like that. That chart is such a good thing to have, and make sure you keep it updated. Take it to therapy, discuss it, analyze it. Look at the past year and see how many times you were mad/sad/frustrated etc vs the few good times. It will help you get up the courage you need. Good luck, and I'm sure everyone here will join in a group hug for you in support.

 

[MissLotus]

 

[betsyj]

I am so glad you did it. I had a feeling it might be the one thing that could really help you see what your life has been like.

(((((())))))

Sometimes you do have to look backwards to get moving forwards and I wish you and your DD the best of eveyrtihng-you deserve it.

 

[mamalisa]

I'm happy that you went back and read them. It couldn't have been fun, but I'm sure that it was helpful. I really hope you're able to make some positive changes, you deserve it.

 

[ShadowMoon]

I'm very proud of you! And good thinking on bringing the chart to therapy.

Good luck on everything.

 

[thixle]

I'm so proud of you, mama!!!

I've been reading along and getting some good insights into my own life from what you write and the replies you get. Your courage in posting is helping not only yourself, but others as well.

Don't feel foolish-- As my granny said, "It's hard to see your own nose without a mirror." It is very very hard to see what is going on when it is your own life.

All my love to you

 

[doubledutch]

that sounds like very hard work. you should feel proud of yourself for facing and acknowledging that truth.

yesterday, i looked up your threads and started at the very beginning. the first thread you started was about you picking up your then-bf's dd from her mom, and how he wanted you to be the one to talk to his ex about changing the visitation schedule. i skimmed through threads and got as far as when he wanted you to drive the 90 minutes to pick his dd up (at this point your dsd) on a friday at the end of your first full week back to work after having your baby, even though it meant an extra pumping session and an extra 90 minutes away from your baby (because she would scream throughout the car ride), and even though it meant 5 hours alone with two little ones, which was overwhelming to you. gosh. so i didn't even get to the bad stuff? or maybe that was the beginning you're talking about.

i'm sorry for what you've been going through, but honestly, it sounds like this thread is another kind of beginning. i hope so.

 

[Freedom~Mama]

 

[momof4peppers]

Congratulations for having the courage to look back. Think of Mothering as your own personal diary. ;-)

Good things are in store for you.

 

[DariusMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by doubledutch that sounds like very hard work. you should feel proud of yourself for facing and acknowledging that truth. he wanted you to drive the 90 minutes to pick his dd up (at this point your dsd) on a friday at the end of your first full week back to work after having your baby, even though it meant an extra pumping session and an extra 90 minutes away from your baby (because she would scream throughout the car ride), and even though it meant 5 hours alone with two little ones, which was overwhelming to you. gosh. so i didn't even get to the bad stuff? or maybe that was the beginning you're talking about. i'm sorry for what you've been going through, but honestly, it sounds like this thread is another kind of beginning. i hope so.

That's where I first remember reading about the OP and her story. It stuck with me.

OP,

good for you for reading through all your postings and really looking at what has been going on. that's hard stuff. hang in there.

 

[GoBecGo]

Woo! That's the first breath of fresh air on your face as you begin the slow crawl up!

Keep going, it's hard, it's SO worth it.

 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoBecGo Woo! That's the first breath of fresh air on your face as you begin the slow crawl up! Keep going, it's hard, it's SO worth it.

Keep your eyes on the prize!! You'll get there!

 

[journeymom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JSMa I feel foolish...

Many hugs. You're not foolish at all. Would it help you if you could sort of view yourself from the outside? Like, You are this person that you're trying to help. Be compassionate with Yourself.

 

[~PurityLake~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teenytoona Keep on moving, JSMa, you're getting there. I'm sure it was very difficult to do this. You know we're all pulling for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by thyra Good for you!!! I know that must have been hard to do - but I'm SO PROUD of you!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunnmama That must have been a shock But what a valuable tool for you. Taking the chart to your therapist is a great idea. Look at that history, and realize that is a journal of the first year of your precious child's life. Get angry. Don't let that be her entire childhood.

Quote:

Originally Posted by momof4peppers Congratulations for having the courage to look back. Think of Mothering as your own personal diary. ;-) Good things are in store for you.

And I remember emotionally reading your thread about the issues you had going back to work and being expected to do for your husband instead of him being a man and doing for himself.