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This actually happened about a month and a half ago, or whatever it has been now...<br><br>
But basically when I found out I was pregnant and I changed my plans of leaving at that time because of that, someone who had been my best friend for the past 8 years flipped on me that she couldn't do it anymore. That she couldn't handle the stress and anxiety of my relationship and the fact that I couldn't leave.<br><br>
As you can imagine this hurt me greatly...<br><br>
Well, last week I decided to write to her and tell her that I'm actually leaving this time. I didn't hear from her, and it just so happened that I came across the chapter in the Lundy Bancroft book about how to help a loved one in an abusive relationship on Friday. A lot of was things that hit home for me about how she treated me and I understood her frustration... so I typed it all out and sent it to her, I even stated that I understood her frustration now, and I missed her friendship and wanted her to read this chapter.<br><br>
I received an email back this morning where she tore me apart again saying how dare I send her something like that. That I know her advice has always been sound, and she didn't even bother reading most of what I sent her because it was messed up of me to send it.<br><br>
She claimed that our relationship was all one sided with me bitching about STBX and never being there for her. Which has me really confused, because the major example she gave was her miscarriage. She claimed I just threw in an "I'm sorry" then went right on about STBX. Which I KNOW isn't true. I didn't want our relationship to ever be one sided and I remember not emailing about STBX and asking her if there was anything I could do etc. I always tried to be a friend and not have it be all about me. It's something I really think about a lot actually. I think some of you can relate to that feeling, as it seems many women who end up with abusers are co-dependent. I often put the feelings of others well before my own... yet there are people in my life who tell I'm selfish... I don't understand it. How can I be both? Too giving and selfish?<br><br>
Anyway... she went on to say that the reason she decided to end our friendship wasn't because I decided not to leave my STBX then... it was because I was stupid enough to get pregnant with him and be screwed up enough to bring another innocent child into this messed up relationship. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> That I should know better at my age that the pull out method isn't a great method and how dare I blame it on him for not pulling out when I should have been doing something else to protect myself.<br><br>
Maybe it is all my fault that I got pregnant. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> But silly me was still thinking I was in a marriage and that our decided family planning method was okay by itself since it had worked for us for years. How was I really supposed to know that for the first time ever that he decided not to give warning about pulling out was going to be then, during a fertile time.<br><br>
So maybe my decided family planning method was stupid... but it had worked for me before. And after my experience with BC and how it screwed up my body, I really didn't want to go back to that... and STBX didn't do well with condomns... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
I didn't realize I had to have a back up protection plan with my husband... Maybe that was stupid and naive of me since he didn't act like a husband much, especially in anything to do with my best interest... but there you go... another mistake in my life... and now I have lost a friend over it.
 

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i'm sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> i've lost friends d/t my relationship, and i anticipate losing friends over ending it too. not "my" friends, but the ones who were stbx's friends first, yk? i mean, people split up all the time and there isn't a lot of judgment there, but i know he is going to say all kinds of horrible things about me and some people will believe it, or at least some of it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> it's worth it.<br><br>
i'm sorry she hurt you. try to get some extra hugs from the friends you do have.
 

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I just recently went through losing my best friend ever. Well, I say recently, but it was a year and a half ago. I won't go into the details, I don't wanna hijack your thread (and I still can't bring myself to go through all of that again, even just to purge it from my heart) but a lot of what you said resonates with me. I was accused of the same things, when I know it wasn't true. Or was it? It's hard to know when you've been conditioned to believe EVERYTHING is your fault, ALL the time. She had a strong will, and always believed she could haul me up out of this mess, yet when I was nearly free she decided she couldn't handle it anymore.<br><br>
Stories were fabricated by jealous friends who didn't like my involvement in her life (she is very charismatic and endearing, and I lived there, so her other adoring friends hated my position with her - very Junior High-ish, really). Long story short, her husband got grabby when he got drunk, and I got blamed. I was not strong-willed around her, especially not at that time, and I simply could not defend myself against her vicious accusations. She chose to believe the lies and nothing I said could change her mind; she couldn't accept that her husband would do that (or maybe deep down, she knew just how capable he was of it) without my provoking him.<br><br>
I lived there, I couldn't escape the tension. It got to where I wouldn't leave my room, just kept me and my three kids in there trying to decide what to do next. They cut me off from the internet, phone and the child care they'd promised me so I could return to work. They stopped talking to me, excluded my kids from their kids' activities, it just went on and on. The kicker was then, having nowhere to go, I was forced to return to the abuser.<br><br>
Then I was, to her, a user, a selfish, one-sided liar (she even posted that she didn't know whether I really came from an abusive home or not, despite the years of seeing things as they were) and a totally lost cause. It was a double-whammy, losing my best friend AND having to return to the abuse, in such a way that made him the ultimate winner after 7 months of separation ("See, I knew you couldn't do it on your own and you'd come slinking back, well I'll take you in because it's my responsibility...").<br><br>
I haven't gotten over it and I don't know if I will ever trust a friend like that again. It hurts really bad - there's way more to the story but this is as close as I've ever come to even telling part of it. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and find myself crying insde that it wasn't supposed to happen like that...<br><br>
My heart goes out to you, JSMa.
 

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That stinks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I am sorry she is reacting this way <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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SeekingSerenity major major hugs to you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Thank you for sharing your story, I know how hard and painful it is to do.<br><br>
It's so awful to realize your "friend" was an abuser too. What she did to you and your kids is the same BS that abusive partners do! That is so incredibly sad. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I'm starting to realize myself that I haven't always surrounded myself with "good friends" that most of them put me down or used my hard times to make themselves feel better... the purge of them while heartbreaking is a good thing.<br><br>
I've been working on getting new friends who are positive. I was absolutely floored by the support I received when I opened up to a few of the ladies from my birth group.<br><br>
So I guess with anything there is always a mourning process... even when you realize that what you thought you had, never really existed to begin with... (like the fantasy good marriage, or the fantasy good friendship).<br><br>
How did my relationship picker get so screwed up?
 
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