[pantrygirl]

Hi Everyone.

I guess I just need to vent and maybe see if my scenario is familiar.

I work fulltime. My husband is a SAHD who does a phenomenal job with our baby. We practice AP with me as the primary supporter of AP. DH agrees and supports my decision but I think lately he's been missing the intimacy of just being two, especially in bed.

We co-sleep. I breastfeed and pump for my husband to feed our daughter.

This is my situation. Although I am in love with my husband and wouldn't mind some 1:1 time with him, I'd much rather be with my baby, even when she's sleeping. Does that sound horrible?

We haven't gone out alone (except for several emergencies) without the baby yet nor do I have the desire to go out without our baby.

I know some of my motives are due to:
1. Guilt
By the time I get home, it's time to wind down and get ready for bed. I feel like that's the only time I really get to spend with her.
2. Breastfeeding
When I get home, I must look like two giant walking breasts to her as she attachs to me immediately and has been known to pull my shirt down to express her desire for milk.
3. Growth spurt
My baby is 9 months old and starting to learn she can be mobile. I think this has affected her sleep as she now wants to feel me close to her and nurse almost all night.
4. Separation Anxiety?
Again, recently she started walking up if I delatch or move away. She sleeps with her hand or foot pressed against me at all times.
5. I'm tired
I work full time and then come home, cook dinner (my husband doesn't cook) and attend to our daughter. Add that she's nursing all night again and I'm beat.

I guess I'm writing to vent and to also wonder if this is a common scenario? I don't want my husband to think he's second in my heart but I'm just so darn tired and I feel like the baby needs me now.

Yes, our relationship has taken a huge dip in the intimacy department since she was born but how do I get that back to levels that 1) will make my husband happier and 2) won't make me feel guilty for the flatline and 3) will make me happy [I miss him too].

Thanks for listening.

 

[jchatneuff]

Hang in there! Although my situation differs somewhat from yours (I work part-time, don't co-sleep), I definitely understand how having a baby takes over life as you once knew it. Suddenly, this little person has taken over every free second of your life-- even if she's not around, you're thinking about her!

My husband and I are thrilled with our LO, who is now a year, and we love hanging out with him. It is sad, though, because we do not have nearly the intimacy we used to. When we're all together, both my husband and I are totally focused on the baby, and don't really converse with each other. As for the bedroom department, I can't give you any advice on cranking up the intimacy there, as ours has entered a record dry spell. (The baby still wakes up a lot so I'm tired all the time, plus BFing has wrecked havock on my hormones).

It helps for us that the little guy goes to bed early, around 7, so we do have some time alone together before we head to bed. Also, we've made the point, a few times, to get a sitter and go out together, without the baby, even though we really would rather be with him! I do think this is important, because as entrancing as your little one is, one day in the distant future when she heads off to start her own, independant life, you and your husband will be on your own again. You'll need to have a strong relationship with him that doesn't depend on your child being around. That's how I look at it, at least. In fact, my husband and I even have planned a week long vacation this summer WITHOUT THE LO!! We both will miss him terribly the whole time, but we decided it would help to restore some of the lost intimacy between us.

 

[debfsb]

you are NOT alone in this - it's a VERY familiar scenario. sorry partners, but it's true, baby comes first and hanky-panky has to wait. i know it's hard though, and it's good to vent. it sounds like your job situation makes it harder b/c you do NEED that time w/ your baby and baby NEEDS that time w/ you. you shouldn't feel bad about that. that sounds totally normal to me. but, it does get stressful on the relationship. honestly, there have been some nights when i did not feel like hanky-panky at all, but i new that both DH and i would feel better afterwards. i read in some magazine that we don't feel like intimacy until we feel like ourselves again. and when you are tired from work or when moms are 'all touched out' from cuddling or BFing, then we don't feel like ourselves enough to feel that desire. now, finally, (DS is 10 mo) i feel rested and balanced enough to feel more like myself, and sure enough, i desire intimacy more (for now). a few things that helped in the meantime, though - (1) talk to your DH about it so that he knows you miss him too, that way it's clear that you're on the same team and it's not like you're just being cold or something and he knows you are still attracted to him and stuff - this was something my DH really needed to hear, anyway. (2) after baby falls asleep, sneak OUT of the bedroom for sexy time. getting away from the baby physically helped me a lot! then, a fifteen or so minutes later we could go back to the family bed and all sleep better.

(3) do more hugging and stuff at other times too. there have been days when i feel like the only interaction i have w/ DH is passing the baby back and forth. it really helps to add some hugs, kisses on the cheek, a slap on the butt, whatever, but some physical contact that keeps you more in touch. (4) when you talk about it w/ DH, talk about how this is a temporary thing. i think partners get nervous that all the sudden the status quo is no-sex, but this is really not a permanent state - it changes as the baby develops and as your amount of sleep increases and stress decreases and stuff like that. ANYWAY, those are some things that help us. your feelings sound totally natural, though, and the scenario sounds very familiar. good luck.

 

[tappinerp]

OP - I could have written your exact post at when DS was that age. You may not want to hear this- but I could have written your post clear up until DS was about 2. At that point- we were all ready to have DS in his own bedroom and after about 3 months of that arrangement his sleeping habits and need to nurse at night drastically improved (meaning I could FINALLY get a good 4-5 hour chunk of sleep). I could physically feel myself "getting back to normal". The biggest thing for me was when we weaned a few months back. It took about a month - but I felt like my old self again and was ready for more 1-1 time with dh!

Only to find ourselves pg the next month

! So I guess the cycle is about to repeat itself. (of course, we are eccstatic about the new one- but honestly- that is one of my biggest worries about #2.

I know that I am not offering a lot of advice. All I can say is that yes, yes, and yes. I totally understand where you are at (working full time, pumping, nursing, cosleeping, etc). It does get better! I promise. Hang in there, and just keep reassuring your partner that he is wonderful, that you are totally "into" him, do the little things- hand holding, etc. And dialogue with him about what you are physically/emotionally feeling. You certainly aren't alone!

 

[pantrygirl]

Thanks, ladies. It helps to hear this isn't out of the ordinary.

You have some great points. I do feel touched out. My baby is all over me and although I love it (seriously can't get enough of my baby), I'm also a bit touched out when it's DH and me time.

I know he understands and we've talked about it but I'm sure some husband/wife time wouldn't be a bad thing.

Congrats on the pg, tapp!

Honestly, that's another concern. I want another child but just not right now. Psychologically speaking, I think I'm afraid we'll get a big fat positive earlier than I'd expect. (I'm breastfeeding and we're not using any barrier method contraceptives).

I know I have to try to make some time, even if it's just to lie on the couch and just watch a tv show together. It's healthy to be together without the baby. I just need to find the energy and try just a little bit more.

:

 

[_betsy_]

Who has the energy? Seriously, you can't be all things to all people at all times - and really, where's the time for YOU in your current scenerio?

For us, it got easier when DD1 was a year or so. She started to need me a lot less once she found her feet and got walking. BUT, I also sort of had to make a stink about getting any time to myself and that if DH wanted time with me, he was going to have to fit it into my schedule, not me into his (we both WOH FT, but my hours are set (nights) and he's self-employed). Being that he has no boss, and is the only worker, he works long hours, and even puts in several hours a day on his "days off" - and I can't/couldn't compete with that. I had to make the point that I'm not Superwoman, I can't put more hours into either of our days, but if given the choice between sleep and intimacy, I'm choosing sleep everytime. So don't make me chose between those two options. Order dinner on my night off, clean up, run the dishwasher and get the girls to bed without my help, and yeah, I'll be way more inclined.

 

[bauchtanz]

Okay - if you are not using any type of method other than BF for birthcontrol, please realize you can very easily get PG before you want to - so you may want to fix that before you try out this advice. (trust me, ask my SIL who has Irish Twins).

We pretty much did not have sex again till DD was around 2. We did learn, however, to occasionaly hire a sitter (once every few months) or go out when we were back home visitng my mother and have just dinner. I would say it wasn't until DD was a little over 2 that things got easier, in many ways, so I could even think about spending one on one time. At the time we were living in a community where we knew no one (as in, I didn't have someone to even drive me to the hosptial when I was in labor if DH was working).
We relocated back to our hometown for my job, and, I really think that helped quite a bit.
While I second those who say you have to make time, I am not sure I would even know how to do it if it wasn't for my family helping out and taking DD every once in a while. Seriously - we took her with us on our anniersary outing.
ANd it isn't even sex. DD stayed over at grandpa and grandma's one night and we wnet out dancing. We had so much fun, we were too tired for sex.
Now - we have a second baby who is 2 months old. WHile he sleeps often, and DD now goes to bed in her own bed (so it is just working around DS) we have yet to even cuddle.
About a week ago we had both the kids to bed at 10 pm and I went to just sit on the couch next to him and it almost felt weird, and I realized that was because I had not done that in months. SO often I am either BF or on the move, if I am sitting I usually have 1 - or more - children basically attached to me (DH has even taken pictures because they are like little growths on me).

I am not sure what to advise (other than to make sure you have birth control). I did have an IUD put in in the hopes that someday, before the 5 year time span is up I get to use it!

Currently poor DH sleeps on the floor or occasionally with DD and DS and I are in bed (he refuses to not use pillows) so it may be a while before we have any cuddle time.