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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
to prevent spontaneous combustion, which I fear would be really bad for the baby.<br><br><br>
So my dad and my step mom were here for 10 days. They left today, but left me so stressed out and upset. My dad his a horribly toxic person and just beats me down (verbally, has never actually hit me). He would remind me daily that I am a bad wife, which in my opinion, is the most hurtful thing he has ever said to me, and there has been a lot of mean mean things. The odd thing is that the relationship with my husband is the most healthy relationship with a man I've ever had. We love each other dearly, we communicate well and are an excellent team. We are incredibly sarcastic to each other, me more than him, but he gets it, however sometimes other people don't. I don't say hurtful things to him, just sarcasm. It's really hard to explain, but our relationship works really well for us, I wouldn't change it, and I'm sure he wouldn't either. I often talk to him about the status of our marriage and he's happy, and in love, and overjoyed to be a daddy.<br>
Anyhow I digress. My dad is ANTI (in all caps) any type of attachment parenting. Cloth diapering, extended breastfeeing (to him anything over 6 weeks), co-sleeping, and so on is all gross to him. Yes gross. He actually used the word. I wouldn't bring these topics up with him, but I wouldn't shy away from them either, but it would end with him making some asinine comment and me changing the subject in lieu of crying. This went on for 10 days. Then today over lunch we were talking about the birth. He suggested that I opt for a cesarean. Oh yes he did. He didn't understand why I was so opposed (nor did my step mom, which is out of character for her), I explained, major surgery, cutting muscle, longer healing, not something I want to elect. Then he said well at least you'll have the drugs. Again I told him no. I don't want a hole in my spine, and there can still be complications. Then he told me that there is no way that I could handle the pain, and besides since I'm so short (5'0") my canal will be too small and I will need a c-section. (his words not mine) He finishes with that since I can't handle the headaches I've gotten my whole life, I won't be able to handle labour. I changed the subject.<br><br>
Now the reason he is in my life at all is because I love my step mom. So much so that this baby will be named after her. She is the reason I have maintained a relationship with my dad and suffered all of the abuse for all of these years. (who tells a 12 year old that she is a gross fat bitch??) yeah.<br><br>
The other day I was having some strange cramping and I called my doctor and I was warned to take it easy, relax and drink more water and to avoid any stressful situations. I tried to take the advise, I drank lots of water, but stress and me are like peas and carrots, we go together.... Sigh, but they're gone, I have my house to myself (which was not at all up to his standards, everything he's ever had is so much better, blah de blah. but it's not really.) I will relax tomorrow, I won't have to cook a meal which will be frowned upon, I won't have to be so aware what I eat for fear I might be being scrutinized and be warned that I am fat, and I can watch what I want on TV. I'm a little excited.<br><br>
So thanks for listening, I needed to whine and I can't post it on my blog....
 

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I can so sympathisize (sorry for the spelling<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"> ), my mom is alot like your dad. She used be a whole lot more subtle about her put downs but over the years it has come to a high. I used to talk to her everyday on the phone but we are now estranged pretty much after I tried to live with her for 3 months for financial reasons. the only reason at this point that I have any contact with her is because of my dad and kids. I want my kids to have a relationship with grandma, since she is actually nice to them if she isn't over exposed to them. And I LOVE my dad. Have you seen a therapist about this? That helped ALOT for me, especially when I was pregnant with #1. Anyway, take care of yourself and good luck.
 

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My parents are of the same mindset as yours, but they look at my choices as amusing and don't belittle. My mom also declares breastfeeding as "gross." Before my first daughter was born, she said, "I just don't want some creature attached to me." Anyway, your relationship with your father sounds incredibly "toxic." I don't know how much you feel you are able to stand up to him (I understand that this is hard when you've been programmed to bear it your whole life). IF you are able to stand up to him, I would say something basic and simple like I don't need negativity right now so I'm not going to talk about this with you. That would work with my parents, if something like that wouldn't work with yours, you might consider telling your step mother that you enjoy her visits but won't be inviting her because of your father. She may have more sway with him IF she believes you are rightfully hurt (which I do.)<br>
After this, short of limiting your time with your father, I don't know what else I'd do. I think it all depends on him and how much respect he is willing to afford you now that you are an adult (respect he should have been giving you all along). In my opinion, any father who calls his daughter a fat bitch as a teenager is on borrowed time with her. Who could expect to say these things and to keep a relationship with the target of these kind of comments. Sorry if I sound preachy, but I'm upset for you. I hope you are able to avoid unnecessary stress and have a great pregnancy.<br><br>
BTW, I am a total headache wimp and I did not have an epidural, I was too afraid of the dreaded spinal headache! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the comments. It makes me feel better. There is going to be a lot of space between us now. He was here as his last stop in North America as him and my step mom moved to New Zealand (where she's from), so I won't be seeing him for a long time, and when we do go, I told my husband that we won't stay with them for more than 3 days.<br><br>
Now if I can come to grips with the mess of a relationship that is between me and my mom. I feel like I am a horrible daughter because I have these messed up relationships with my parents. My mom and I are hardly speaking because she's upset that I need to distance my family and myself from her right now. She's on to her 10th engagement with a guy she's known for 2 months. She expects me to accept all of these random men into my life and be happy about it. And now this one? Who she is insisting will be my child's grandfather? Sigh but that's a whole other rant.....<br><br>
Again, thanks for the support.
 

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I think I would try to just keep any discussions short & sweet, saying something like, "Not everyone has the same viewpoint on things. There are just different ways to do things. I prefer to be as natural as possible. If the doctor thinks I need a c-section, then I'll cross that road at that time, but for now, I'd really appreciate your support." Then if he goes on to say, "well I can't support something that's just down right stupid." Then say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but i feel really strongly about doing things the natural way."<br><br>
And ... I'd be biting my tongue to say , "and maybe if YOU had been into attachment parenting, I'd want to be around you more often!" (but I don't think I'd actually say that!)<br><br>
I think I'd just basically try to get across that it's ok if he has different views on things, just please do not put down your views. Or set some sort of boundary. Man some people are just out of control!!!!!!!!!!! Or!!! maybe you could even say something about how mothers usually have more of a nurturing feeling towards babies, so it's probably hard for him to understand.<br><br>
Ugh, I'm having a hard time expressing myself right now. I guess what I wanted to get across to you is that I think it'd help to try and limit the conversation about certain subjects. Don't let him get you upset, and don't let things turn into a discussion. It's not worth it. Clearly, he doesn't know much about any of it!!<br><br>
I'm glad they're gone now. Just try and relax. Focus on YOUR great parenting decisions and less on his unskillful ones!!
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">My mom is on to her 10th engagement with a guy she's known for 2 months. She expects me to accept all of these random men into my life and be happy about it. And now this one? Who she is insisting will be my child's grandfather? Sigh but that's a whole other rant.....</div>
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Ah geez!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/disappointed.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="disappointed"><br><br>
This is both ridiculous and sad. So many changes, her life must be an emotional roller coaster. Maybe you could be happy for her privately and then let her know you don't want to introduce the children to different men because you want them to understand stability. (or maybe that wouldn't go over so well).<br>
Or, better yet, get her a Dr. Phil book! like "Self Matters" or "Love Smart".
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
camille76, thanks for the support and the ideas. I've never really set boundaries with my dad, well not intentionally because I fear the fall out of the discussion. Rather lately they have happened naturally, and with this visit I would just end a conversation when he started to venture into areas that we not acceptable by me. But in my mind I shouldn't have to do this. He's my father and should be supportive and not belittle my or my decisions. Anyhow arg.<br>
With other family members who have expressed distaste in our choices I tell them that it's something that Adam (DH) and I have discussed and something we feel strongly about. That seems to do the trick without me being a total bitch.<br><br>
Regarding my mom, there is much more than I wrote. I want to be happy for her, I want this relationship to last for her. I don't want to keep seeing her bounce from relationship to relationship. But she has a pattern, and she's following it all over again, and it's always disastrous. I've explained to her that I don't want her to expect these men to be welcome in my life just yet. I need to make sure she's stable in the relationship. I don't want my children to have several grandpas. I've seen it happen to my niece who is quick to love, and keeps getting abandoned, and soon it will hurt her. I don't want that for my children. And my husband has never been around that lifestyle either. His parents are still married and stable, he didn't grow up with 14 different live in boyfriends and never had to learn to wall up to protect himself.<br><br>
Anyhow issues issues issues. Again thanks for listening.
 

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Yeah, I'm sure there is much more than your wrote. It all sounds so complicated. I feel really bad for your mom because it sounds like she isn't at peace & doesn't even know it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br>
I hope at least your mom understands your view on it and wanting to protect your children from the different men / instability. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I agree, I don't think my mom's at peace. I really think that she tries to find herself in relationships, when she needs to know who she is before she goes into another one. I think that if she was really comfortable with herself in her own skin she could have a happier and more successful relationship. But what mother wants to listen to her daughter give relationship or life advise. Anyhow it's something I feel strongly about, in order to have a happy marriage/ or relationship one must know who they are. How can you give yourself to someone if you can't identify what you have to give?
 
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