[ILoveSweetpea]

I don't know where to post this, so I'll post it here. I'll warn you in advance that this is a bit of a rant.

DS is 7 MO. DH has an opportunity that will take him out of state for 2+ months. I am trying so hard to just be happy for him and be a supportive wife... but I have to admit I am beginning to feel some resentment towards him for choosing to go.

Here is the deal... (and this is awkwardly personal because it involves money, please forgive me for being tacky) This job doesn't pay that much. Even if it did, we don't need the money. So he isn't doing it for the money. He's doing because he just wants to do it. (It's a creative type of project.)

DS and DH are so close. I posted about this before. They spend a lot of time together and DS is attached to both of us. I feel like he is being selfish for wanting to leave us for 2 months to pursue a for-fun project. What about the impact on DS? What about the impact on me? (DS is a wonderful baby but very high needs - he only naps when I hold him, for example)

I feel guilty for being upset with DH... but if I voice my concerns to him, I know he'll turn down the project and be upset about it for years to come. (Trust me on this point.) DH is so so so excited about going to work on this project. I feel like I have no choice but to be happy for him, if that makes sense.

I don't know why I am posting this. I guess I just had to vent. I don't know what to do with the way I am feeling towards him right now. Are my feelings unreasonable? I mean, I should be able to handle a couple of months without him... but I find myself sort of turning off from him emotionally already, as if in preparation for his absence. I know this isn't fair of me, but I admit I can feel myself doing it anyway. Also, I am sort of hogging the boy - like I want to get used to being the only one to hold him all day. And whenever I think about DS missing his daddy, I get teary eyed. I just keep thinking - if our roles were reversed, there is no WAY I would leave my baby boy behind! I couldn't do it. No way, no how. I don't understand how he can do it.

Ug...I am rambling.

Someone - please hug me or slap me or something!

Thanks for listening.

 

[Chloe'sMama]

this sounds very hard. I am sorry....

 

[mum4boys]

Can you go with him?

 

[karika]

it sounds like money is not a problem, so the whole family could go. or at least you and lo could go to him on weekends? i believe being supportive of him needing ot do a creative project is the best way, but you have needs in this situation too and so does lo. you need your husband, and ds needs his daddy. i would suggest all of you going. if he is against that, your dh may also be looking for some alone time, so then maybe just weekends would be ok with him.

 

[ILoveSweetpea]

Going with him would be a bit difficult as it is out of state and I'd hate to travel for 6 or 7 hours alone with the baby. DS isn't a fan of his car seat. So, honestly, I would be nervous about making that trip. And even if we did make the trip, we would only probably see DH late in the evening - as he will be working long hours - so DS would be (theoretically) sleeping whenever DH was available to give him attention anyway.

My gut is telling me to just be supportive. Just try try try to smile and be supportive. I don't want to say anything that will cause unnecessary stress for him (and us) or say something that I can't take back.

See, I go back and forth between feeling angry towards him for being selfish, and being angry at myself for being selfish.

Where is that slap i requested? LOL.

 

[caro113]

I know this isn't the same thing, but we had an issue similar to yours. When I was pregnant, right after we moved, DP got a job offer for a much better job in the same field (with the same company actually, just different location) making 50% more than he was before. (from $12/hr to $16/hr but with all the over time and working 3rd shift, it was really more like $18/hr) The problem? He ended up having to work about 30 days in a row, with no day off, and mostly he worked 12 hr shifts. The bigger problem? This job was a 2 hr drive one way. And sometimes he had an 8hr turn around, so he just didn't even bother to come home. (I mean really, when you have 8 hrs off it's just not safe to drive 2 hrs home, attempt to sleep for just 4 hrs, and then drive back 2 hrs. It just made sense to stay there. Besides, a motel room was cheaper than the gas.) It really stressed our relationship and got to the point where I missed him terribly when he was gone and resented him when he was home. I wanted him to quit so badly but I knew he liked the job (hated the drive, but liked the job) and we really really needed the money. Needless to say, it sucked.
After a while he started getting a few days off, but even those weren't guaranteed. He would get a call saying he had to come in the next day (contract with the union) so we could never plan anything. He ended up having Thursday and Friday off one week. We planned on going to see some friends who lived about half hour from his work and look at some apartments. Well, I woke up Thursday morning in labour, and Maeleigh was born Friday morning. He called in to tell them he would be out of work for a few days and was told he had to come in on Monday or he would be fired. He managed to get off Monday, but still, it wasn't enough. I was home alone with a four day old baby and he was two hours away. It was horrible.

Anyhow, I guess the moral of my story is that our relationship was really suffering because of the separation. (I forgot to mention that he got the job in early August and Maeleigh was born 3 October) It was terrible and honestly, looking back, I don't know that it was worth it. If you really really feel that this could be a bad idea and may cause undo strain to your relationship with him and the relationship between him and your son, then you really need to voice that. I'd hate to see something happen with the relationship because you didn't want to upset him. Just tell him your concerns and make sure he knows that you don't want to upset him and you don't want him to turn it down for that reason, just that you really need to talk about it and come up with something that will work for both of you.

I really hope it all works out for you. You definitely are not in the wrong for feeling this way.

 

[newmommy7-08]

I may be the unpopular one here... but, I would absolutely have a problem with this. I truly feel that when a couple decides to become, or when an oopsie results in them becoming parents their wants take a backseat to their childs need, and to their family units needs as a whole. If this were a situation where he HAD to go, it would be different, but since it's something he's chosing to do more or less for fun... no way would that fly with me.

I feel that it has to be a joint decision and both you and your husband need to be completely comfortable. My DS is 9 1/2 months old, and I will tell you flat out... I would NOT be happy having to be a sole parent for the next 2 months just because he wanted to have fun on a creative project. I give MAJOR props to single parents and those with deployed loved ones... I don't know how you all do it. I personally can't wait until DH gets home everyday to give me a bit of a break. I love my son fiercly, and love being able to be home with him, but I need a little down time.

Also, I don't know where your son is developmentally... but our DS has changed SO much in the last two months, neither of us would have chosen to miss it for anything.

 

[karika]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ILoveSweetpea Going with him would be a bit difficult as it is out of state and I'd hate to travel for 6 or 7 hours alone with the baby. DS isn't a fan of his car seat. So, honestly, I would be nervous about making that trip. And even if we did make the trip, we would only probably see DH late in the evening - as he will be working long hours - so DS would be (theoretically) sleeping whenever DH was available to give him attention anyway. My gut is telling me to just be supportive. Just try try try to smile and be supportive. I don't want to say anything that will cause unnecessary stress for him (and us) or say something that I can't take back. See, I go back and forth between feeling angry towards him for being selfish, and being angry at myself for being selfish. Where is that slap i requested? LOL.

sounds like it is too far for you to want to commute to. so, sounds like you all go live there for the duration if he really wants to do it. attachment parenting does mean both caregivers, even if they have different roles. and if you and your son have no outside commitments, changing when you sleep is always a possibility so you can be awake in eves to see dh. i would only want a dp to go away alone for this long if it were an emergency and i could not go for some really good reason like lack of money. i mean, 2 months without seeing each other at all sounds like a trial separation to me. how would both of you handle not having a sex life together? i would not be comfortable with that aspect either.

 

[LadyCatherine185]

Quote:

Originally Posted by newmommy7-08 I may be the unpopular one here... but, I would absolutely have a problem with this. I truly feel that when a couple decides to become, or when an oopsie results in them becoming parents their wants take a backseat to their childs need, and to their family units needs as a whole. If this were a situation where he HAD to go, it would be different, but since it's something he's chosing to do more or less for fun... no way would that fly with me. I feel that it has to be a joint decision and both you and your husband need to be completely comfortable. My DS is 9 1/2 months old, and I will tell you flat out... I would NOT be happy having to be a sole parent for the next 2 months just because he wanted to have fun on a creative project. I give MAJOR props to single parents and those with deployed loved ones... I don't know how you all do it. I personally can't wait until DH gets home everyday to give me a bit of a break. I love my son fiercly, and love being able to be home with him, but I need a little down time. Also, I don't know where your son is developmentally... but our DS has changed SO much in the last two months, neither of us would have chosen to miss it for anything.

:

 

[veeeyloova]

there are so few opportunities to make DH SO INCREDIBLY happy that if I had one I would try my hardest to deal with my feelings in order to allow him the happiness.

You aren't being selfish about wanting him to stay, but you might want to consider the impact that an incredible experience would have for DH. Take the opportunity to make him happy.

 

[claddaghmom]

Sounds like it's time for a 2 month vacation! You're so lucky that money isn't an issue!

Also, you and DH need to create a code word for "I want to share my feelings w/o being attacked or w/o you feeling the need to respond or make a decision"

There has to be a safe time to just share your feelings. This has been a hard thing for DH to understand, too. I will share how I feel about something and he will think it means he has to make a decision on it.

 

[meemee]

ok here is the slap.

i know whenever there is change it is soooo scary. here are some of the positives that can come out of it.

- you discover you can do it on your own and really feel empowered about it.
- dh comes back a changed, really happy person.
- dh comes back in two weeks saying he couldnt be away from his family for so long.
- things work out well. your find you can manage on your own.

sometimes i have discovered in life the best way to tell someone is to let them discover it themselves. it is the best lesson learnt rather than you trying to point it out to them.

let your dh go in silence. even your gut is telling you that. and see how it works for your family.

 

[butterfly_mommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by newmommy7-08 I may be the unpopular one here... but, I would absolutely have a problem with this. I truly feel that when a couple decides to become, or when an oopsie results in them becoming parents their wants take a backseat to their childs need, and to their family units needs as a whole. If this were a situation where he HAD to go, it would be different, but since it's something he's chosing to do more or less for fun... no way would that fly with me. I feel that it has to be a joint decision and both you and your husband need to be completely comfortable. My DS is 9 1/2 months old, and I will tell you flat out... I would NOT be happy having to be a sole parent for the next 2 months just because he wanted to have fun on a creative project. I give MAJOR props to single parents and those with deployed loved ones... I don't know how you all do it. I personally can't wait until DH gets home everyday to give me a bit of a break. I love my son fiercly, and love being able to be home with him, but I need a little down time. Also, I don't know where your son is developmentally... but our DS has changed SO much in the last two months, neither of us would have chosen to miss it for anything.

:

Also I just wanted to add why does the husbands happiness trump that of the other family members? So if he goes you will be miserable, stressed, resentful and lonely, your LO will be missing his father and missing out on the opportunity to be with him and be parented by him and having a mother who is feeling the above mentioned emotions but your DH will be happy. If he stays then he is the one who is resentful.

I think it is unfair to not tell your DH what you are feeling. This is a family decision not a sole decision it effects everyone and it can only be made if everyone express how they are feeling. Maybe if you both have a long talk and tell DH what you have expressed to us you can both brainstorm and come to some kind of solution together.

Good luck.

 

[alegna]

Quote:

Originally Posted by newmommy7-08 I may be the unpopular one here... but, I would absolutely have a problem with this. I truly feel that when a couple decides to become, or when an oopsie results in them becoming parents their wants take a backseat to their childs need, and to their family units needs as a whole. If this were a situation where he HAD to go, it would be different, but since it's something he's chosing to do more or less for fun... no way would that fly with me.

This. Wouldn't be happening here.

-Angela

 

[rightkindofme]

It would really depend on so many factors for me. To be honest I don't think my partner would even ask because he knows I wouldn't be ok with that sort of thing in general. I'm unhappy when he works an extra hour in a day.

 

[ILoveSweetpea]

Thank you all for your honesty. I am still so deeply conflicted. I just want everyone to be happy - and I don't want DH to have regrets for missing out on this, regrets that he may blame on DS.

This morning, he reminded me that there would be the possibility of him coming home for one day most weeks. Like he would get here late sunday night (after midnight), be here on Monday and leave Monday at around 6 pm. He couldn't do this every week, but he thought 6 out of the 9 weeks he could.

I don't know if these visits would be more stressful to DS or a relief to both of us (meaning DS and I).

Anyway... does this possibility of seeing him one day a week change anyone's viewpoint?

Thanks so much for hearing me, letting me vent, and sharing honest feedback. Just to get this off my chest is helping me feel less stressed about it.

 

[wetcement101]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee ok here is the slap. i know whenever there is change it is soooo scary. here are some of the positives that can come out of it. - you discover you can do it on your own and really feel empowered about it. - dh comes back a changed, really happy person. - dh comes back in two weeks saying he couldnt be away from his family for so long. - things work out well. your find you can manage on your own. sometimes i have discovered in life the best way to tell someone is to let them discover it themselves. it is the best lesson learnt rather than you trying to point it out to them. let your dh go in silence. even your gut is telling you that. and see how it works for your family.

I LOVE what meemee said. Except for the 'let him go in silence part." It sounds like we both have slightly passive aggressive DHs, so I understand what it's like to be ambilevent about the situtation and unable to freely express oneself. But I don't have any suggestions!

 

[ILoveSweetpea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by rightkindofme It would really depend on so many factors for me. To be honest I don't think my partner would even ask because he knows I wouldn't be ok with that sort of thing in general. I'm unhappy when he works an extra hour in a day.

I am honestly really surprised he is going for this project. I guess when it first came up, I thought there was no way he was going to do it... but it has become apparent that he intends to do it. I am happy for him because he is so excited about it... but I am also sad because I misjudged what his response would be to such an opportunity. I feel like his priorities aren't exactly what I thought (and hoped) they were. (Again, maybe that is my own selfishness talking... who am I to tell him what his priorities should be??)

 

[ILoveSweetpea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee ok here is the slap. i know whenever there is change it is soooo scary. here are some of the positives that can come out of it. - you discover you can do it on your own and really feel empowered about it. - dh comes back a changed, really happy person. - dh comes back in two weeks saying he couldnt be away from his family for so long. - things work out well. your find you can manage on your own. sometimes i have discovered in life the best way to tell someone is to let them discover it themselves. it is the best lesson learnt rather than you trying to point it out to them. let your dh go in silence. even your gut is telling you that. and see how it works for your family.

Thanks for the slap - and I love the positive scenarios.

I think #1 and #2 are most likely. But there is no way he will come back early if he goes - if he goes, he is committed to being gone the entire 2 months.

 

[alegna]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ILoveSweetpea Anyway... does this possibility of seeing him one day a week change anyone's viewpoint?

Nope. Not one bit. I'm another whose dh wouldn't even consider such a thing. He wouldn't want to miss out on 2 months of our lives either.

-Angela