[laralee16]

This is gonna get long I think, but I dont know if I am feeling what I should be feeling.

My step-sister just moved back down here from NY with her 4 year old, I will call him G. Before this the only contact my son has had with kids has been at the playroom (a play area type place with blowup toys etc) and with the 8 year old my mom baby sits. He is GREAT with sharing and playing with other kids at the playroom. With the 8 year old he gets upset when he (the 8 year old) hugs or sit with my mom, but he has gotten past it.

But good lord my son and G just can not seem to get it together! G is an only child, to divorced parents. He is in daycare, and has been for most of his life I think.

Before G moved back, my dad and his wife had toys there for DS to play with, and when G and his mom moved back, we were told to bring them all home, so DS no longer has toys of his own at my dads house.

When we go over there G's mom tries very hard to make G share, but it is just not that easy. G also tends to be very physical with my son, and has pushed him off the playset outback before, as well as most of the furniture in the house. If G and DS are playing with a toy, G takes DS's and says its my turn. So DS will go find something else to play with, and G will once again take it. After about 5 times of this, my son will hit him. G will then cry like he has a broken bone or something, and run to tell him mom. I am then expected to discipline my son for hitting G, when G started it.

G also has a habit of saying things that are not true. I watch the two of them VERY carefully because not only of DS's hitting, but also to be sure G really WAS hit. G will say "he hit me" or "he bit me" When it is not true. G will also say "he hit me" when G was the one who hit my son.

This past weekend, my dad's wife and G's mom sat down with me and started telling me how I need to start timeout with my son. The thing is we DO time out. I hold him on my lap (or DH holds him) for about 2 mins, and then talk to him about what he did.

They are suggesting putting him in a corner, and keep on returning him to that corner, until he says he is sorry.

My son is 2, and does not talk. Well, he talks, but not very well. He is slowly learning the words "im sorry" but can not say them just yet

I do not feel that I should have to continue to discipline my son when G eggs him on, and often is the one who starts the hitting. I do not want to teach my son to let bullies get away with things. That is how I was raised, and it made my school life h####.

I DO discipline him when he is truly in the wrong. When he takes a toy without asking, or hits unprovoked, etc.

Other then the time out we do, Im not sure what I should be doing.

Hubby things alot of what I'm feeling is just hormonal mama bear coming out, and I need to just not care what they say and continue with the time outs as we have them.

Im really lost.

 

[ChristyMarie]

Um, your son is TWO and the other one os FOUR and the adults are wanting you to put him in a corner???

I would limit contact, intervene (instead of just watching) on your son's behalf and leave if they cannot control the 4 yr old.

 

[AndrewsMother]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie Um, your son is TWO and the other one os FOUR and the adults are wanting you to put him in a corner??? I would limit contact, intervene (instead of just watching) on your son's behalf and leave if they cannot control the 4 yr old.

:

My four year old cousin plays roughly with my two year old because my DS plays roughly with him, BUT my cousin would never hit him because his mom has taught him NOT to hit younger children. Even if my DS were to hit my cousin he would tell an adult, and he too is a daycare child.

 

[oliversmum2000]

i think that the 4 yo needs more supervision and to be reminded that they are the older child. i wouldnt go there unless i could be involved in all the play. if the 4 yo upsets your child i would intervene immediately and remind him he is older and that he needs to look out for his younger cousin and if necessary be firm about enforcing your sons boundaries as he is not old enough to enforce them for himself. ie if he has a toy and g takes it i would immediately remove it from g and remind him that your son had the toy first and that after a set period of time he would be encouraged to swap the toy for another one s that g could take his turn with the toy.

it doesnt sound as though the other adults are willing to get involved so if you have the energy maybe you could.

if this doesnt work i would try to avoid going there for a while as it isnt fair for your son to go somewhere where he is being made unhappy.

 

[LauraN]

This seems to happen so often when AP parents meet mainstream parents. It's like the mainstream parents are not satisfied unless they see the AP child crying or suffering in punishment.

You keep right on parenting gently, and if the cousin keeps pestering your child, you leave. The best thing you can teach your kid is that he is worthy of being treated decently and that he doesn't have to stay to be treated badly.

We have a similar situation with my little nephew. He's 2.5, and while he plays roughly with my 4 and 6 yr-old, they're mostly OK with it. I've taught them to stop his hand if he's hitting them and then walk away and my daughter is working on grabbing his arm and working her hair out of his fist when he pulls it.

But I can't let my baby (15 mths) get too far away from me when we're over there because my nephew will just casually walk by him and then smack the baby on the head or face in a sudden move.

Then his parents yell at him, spank him and put him in the playroom where he cries and begs to be let out.

:

So DH and I just stick to the baby's side and try not to let the two year old near him at all if we can help it. And if he's tired or overstimulated (when he tends to hit every few minutes) then we make our excuses and leave.

 

[traceface]

suggest to step-sister that G decide on all his "specials" before you guys are due to arrive and they put them away, he only leaves out toys he's okay with sharing (even if that's only a few!)

Also, can your son bring something of his (that may interest the 4 year old) so he can either play with it or let the 4 year old play with it. It's hard to be the host child and see someone arrive and start playing with your stuff! I find it helps to continually remind both kids, "this stays here when we leave."

they are *both* too young to just say "go play" and expect it to work out. They both need someone right there, in their game, guiding and making sure all touches are gentle and that turns get taken. Your visits are not going to be relaxing adult-chat time, that's just not the way it is at these ages.

 

[babsbob]

Sounds like they are just doing what's in their job descriptions.
I have these same problems with me almost 2 yo and almost 4 yo.

I agree with the previous posters - you will need to be the one to stay close and assist their interactions. It would be nice if your step-sister could help too. Maybe you could come up with a strategy together to handle their interactions as a "preventative measure" since a time-out will mean nothing to a 2 year old.

This my strategy for these same issues:
1) I talk about "using words" ad nauseum. Asking politely for things instead of grabbing things or hitting/biting.

2)We play the "let's take a turn" game and sit in a circle and take turns asking for a turn with a toy. They think this is great fun and they realize it makes them feel good to share.

3) I talk to my DD and explain that her brother is still very young and doesn't understand about sharing yet (not that she does either) and if he doesn't want to share a toy he might be willing to trade for something else.

4) I also explain that anything in the living room is for everyone to play with and if DD has something she doesn't want DS to play with then it needs to go in her room. I am really big on respecting personal property. This is hard to do when you are visiting - so maybe he can bring some things with him to play with. When we go to their cousin's house I remind them on the way over that the toys there are cousin's and they need to be respectful of that. If he doesn't want them to play with something then they need to find something else to play with. Stuff like this doesn't really sink in yet but I just keep on keeping on.

5) Of course, they still grab things and hit when they are playing but I try to be aware of what's going on so I can remind them before it gets to the violent stage. I say "remember to ask for a turn" or "let's see if he'll trade you for this" Sometimes I have to take the toy away if they can't agree to share it and help them find something else to do. If it does resort to violence then I just separate them or find them separate activities. We have a safe spot one of them can go to get away from the other or DD will go in her room. If I were visiting I would just take DS up on the couch with me and engage him in singing or reading to take a break from the cousin.

If you can strategize with your family and get them on board so you don't have to be "on-call" the whole time they are playing that would relieve a huge burden I think. Afterall, they are just boys and they are acting their ages and your family should be helping the situation not lecturing you. If this doesn't work then you might have to limit their play time or meet on neutral ground like a park or something.
Just some ideas. Good luck!

 

[One_Girl]

I think you should point out that you have been watching the kids play and G is instigating most of this and tell them that you are willing to sit and monitor the kids play and redirect it right away to more positive play when either child needs help sharing, but you will no longer punish him for standing up for himself when he is being pushed around. I also think you should tell them that you will not use any discipline if you don't see what happened with your own eyes because you have seen G tell lies about this to many times to believe it.

What they are doing is really normal for their age. I think they need more one on one guidance when it comes to sharing toys and you should suggest that you all stay in the room to monitor the play and help it go well while you visit.

 

[sapphire_chan]

WTH is wrong with his parents that G is lying about hitting and biting? Watch them and step in ASAP. The only way they're going to learn how to play together nicely is to be shown how.

 

[reezley]

I agree with pps. I don't leave my almost-2 and 4yo alone to play for more than a minute - they require an adult to intervene, mostly on ds2's behalf. If his mother won't intervene, then I would - I would remind 4yo that 2yo is a little guy and he needs to be extra gentle with him. If it continues then end the playdate.