[ilovemygirl]

I realize no one can tell me what the best thing for my family is but I'm hoping to get some feedback/advice/ideas from an outside view. I'm going to be really honest here ...

I have one biological child that took several years and IVF to conceive. In those years we considered international adoption and decided on China but I was too young to qualify yet and since our infertility treatments were covered by insurance we kept on going and finally got pregnant.
We are hoping to have another child now and my first instinct was to do IVF again. I have an appointment to discuss it with the doctor in less than a week.
However, I am being drawn to adoption again. I have been researching it and a lot has changed in three years. It seems everything has gone up, up and up for almost every country. The costs, travel times, referral times, etc. It is definitely easier to do IVF again. It would cost us nothing but co payments and if it worked we would have our child in 9 months. Everything logical tells me ttc again is the right thing to do but my heart is telling me something else.
Here's my point, finally

Is the easy choice really the right choice? In a perfect world I would choose adoption without even thinking twice. I have absolutely no doubts that we would love an adopted child just as much as we love our dd but I have so many concerns about the process of international adoption now that I already have a child. My husband will not consider domestic.

If you've read my book, I really appreciate it

 

[PinkinPA]

Couldn't you do both? ( cue music

Three, Oh it's the magic number, yes it is!

 

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Hi!

It sounds to me like you kind of already know what it is that is probably going to be the best for your family, at least for right now. From my perspective it seems like ttc is that best thing at this point in your life. Of course, as you know, it could take far longer than nine months for that to happen too, so I guess you have to weigh the time vs. expense issue. Which is more important, and if all things were equal, what would be your preference? (And I don't think there's a wrong answer there.) Perhaps there will be a season later when adoption will be the thing. Either way, I wish you luck and joy in the journey!

 

[RedOakMomma]

I would spend some time looking more deeply into the issue, both personally and on adoption details. Are you, deep down, wanting the "ease" of IVF and all the certainties of a biological child? An adopted child is a big unknown...personality, timelines, bonding...it's a lot of uncertainty and that can be scary. I would look into why you're torn and try to give some voice to your fears...once you know what the fears are, and look into them, they might not be so scary, and you might not feel so conflicted.

As for adoption details...not all programs are as long as China's right now (which, last I checked, was 5 years+). We adopted from South Korea after a 14 month wait (and now the wait seems to be more like 9-11 months for referral, plus 4 months after that to travel). There are other programs you could look at, if international adoption is really what you want to do. You might also dig a little more deeply into domestic adoption (or why your husband doesn't want it), because cost-wise it can be much easier--several moms on this board have adopted domestically with very little cost or program fees.

Good luck, and however your next little one joins your family, congratulations on the choice to have another!

 

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I wanted to add another thing that you might want to explore emotionally/intellectually with your husband: his feelings about domestic adoption. Of course, I'm just reading into it, so if it's not applicable, feel free to disregard.

Very often when we hear that someone is not interested in domestic adoption it is because of the fear of having to "share" your child with a birthmother/father/family that is close enough to have an impact on your child's identity and your personal feelings about who really is the parent. The reason I point this out is that those feelings, and even the circumstance, isn't going to disappear just because there's less likelihood of contact as with international adoption. It's just something else that has to be worked out and dealt with.

 

[ilovemygirl]

Thanks so much for the replies. I do have to think a lot more about it. My worries are not at all about the child. It's the process. The risk of losing so much money and time is scary.
Maybe I can ask some questions?
The agency we are thinking of using is small and not in our state. They want their entire 6k fee when our homestudy is completed and we sign a contract with them. Does that sound right? There is an estimated 1-3 year wait for a referral after that. What if the program closes? If we aren't qualified for or interested in another program we are out all that money.
As of right now, travel is 2-3 weeks and both parents must travel. I can't imagine being away from dd that long but I can't imagine bringing her either. She will still be a preschooler even three years from now.
Silly I know but I'm worried about my "crunchiness". I'm a full time stay at home, non vaxing, vegan who intends to homeschool. I wonder how that will be taken by the social worker, agency and country.

 

[SleeplessMommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovemygirl As of right now, travel is 2-3 weeks and both parents must travel.

Travel to China will cost over $1000 per ticket. When you arrive there, you may be met with choking air pollution... the sort one used to find in Pittsburgh in the 1950's. Hotel costs for the "business" hotels are over $100 a night - possibly well over $200 in some cities. With food and other expenses, the travel will cost well over $4000. Ask around and you can get the exact details from someone who has done it.

Taking a toddler along is doable, BUT not that fun. At 1 year old, I took my son to India and he immediately got bronchiolitis - something "all the kids get in the winter". It was triggered by air pollution. Also, toddlers don't deal well with changes to routine.

A difficult decision. You can see some USA kids available for adoption here: http://photolisting.adoption.com/foster-adoption/ If you can look at those pictures without crying, you get a prize.

 

[sbrinton]

Have you checked in to whether your employer offers some benefit to help with the cost of adoption?

Just a thought. I know my husband's employer, which has excellent medical benefits including coverage for IVF, has also decided to cover about $8,000 per adoption (in addition to the federal tax credit, this is enough to cover most even an international adoption).

I have a heart for adoption too. We were considering adoption a year ago when we found out I was pregnant (surprise!) with our third biological son. I love, love, love our third son and cannot imagine life without him. After a very difficult pregnancy and a baby who was born very early, we believe it's not wise to get pregnant again. So we are considering adoption again.

Are you set on 2 kids or open to more? Maybe both IVF and adoption could be in the future.

 

[RedOakMomma]

If that agency is telling you that adoption of a healthy girl from China will be a one to three year wait....don't walk away from them, RUN. That is so incredibly unethical and untrue! On the other hand, 1-3 years for correctible special needs sounds more accurate, so if that's the case then I would feel better.

In the world of adoptions from China, these sites: http://chinaadopttalk.com/ http://www.chinaadoptionforecast.com/

have been very accurate and up-to-date with timelines, estimates, and informed information about LID/travel dates. From her site:

"It is unfortunate -- and in our mind, nearly criminal -- that many adoption agencies continue to describe the waiting period to adopt from China as six months, one year, or slightly more than a year. This is dishonest (and by now, with the slowdown underway for two years or more, it can only be described as intentionally dishonest). If your agency significantly understates the expected waiting period for adopting from China, it should be a warning to you not to use that agency."

For a new application, she estimates the wait could be longer than seven years:

"If you are just putting in your dossier right now, we expect you will wait at least seven years from the time your dossier is logged-in for a referral. This will make your total time to adopt from China, from initial decision to adopt until receiving a child, more than eight years. It is our strong recommendation that you avoid adopting from China if at all possible, as we believe that if you are pursuing adoption, it is probably because you are interested in having a child in less than eight years. Domestic adoption and international adoption from other countries are likely to be much faster ways to have a family than adopting from China. Please see our post about China's Shrinking Adoption Program for some more details."

If you check on any of the chat boards of the major adoption agencies (H*lt comes to mind), that's in line with what new applicants are hearing and expecting. Most people seem to hope that these long waits will mean lots of drop-outs, and that their wait will be shortened from 7 years to 5 years.

If you are looking at adopting a special needs child from China, I've heard excellent things about Holt's program. You could ask lots of questions with this group:

http://www.holtintl.org/forums/viewforum.php?f=3

Best of luck.

As for being earthy-crunchy, don't worry about it. Most agencies and social workers love parents with AP philosophies, and living outside the norm isn't that big of a deal--REALLY. As long as you love your kids, have the resources to care for them, keep them safe, and are healthy, you have nothing to worry about!

 

[annethcz]

I agre with the PPers that I'm not sure if the word "easy" describes your situation. I don't think that IVF will necessarily be easier for you, but it does sound like you've thought a lot about your options and you're leaning towards TTC being the right option for your family at this time. That said, you can always change your mind later. And what seems right today may not be the best choice in two years.

That said, isn't it amazing how quickly things change regarding international adoption? My adopted DS has been with us for 3.5 years, and if we were to adopt again, I think I'd have to start the learning process all over again.

 

[excitedtobeamom]

I would definately not worry about being crunchy in your homestudy. I noticed one agency made me show proof of my children's vax's so I found one that didn't (my country doesn't required it) and they lady was very understanding when I asked her about it. She didn't bat an eye that we co-sleep and breastfed our children until they were 3 or that we have never owned a crib. The adoption world is very attachment parenting friendly. I love it! The trainings we took encouraged co-sleeping, babywearing, no spanking, no time-outs, etc.

About China it is a long wait. I really recommend you call many agencies and you will get a feel for the ones that know what they are talking about. That is where we wanted to go as well but the wait went out too long. We currently adopting from Thailand.

There is definately uncertainity in international adoption. Ask the agencies all your questions about what happens if the adoption doesn't go through do they transfer fees etc. Go with an agency that has been doing it for a long time and get references. It is fun to talk to the references-they give you a lot of insight. With the right agency you will feel comfortable and they will answer all the questions in a timely manner even if you aren't a client yet. It is a big emotional and financial commitment.

This is definately something you and your husband will have to utimately decide. Good luck!

 

[heatherdeg]

I think maybe YOU see ttc w/IVF again as "easy" because you've already btdt... kwim? (did you catch all those abbreviations? I feel so high school! LOL!)

That being said, I seriously don't think there IS an "easy" route to adding children to your family when faced with fertility issues.

Have you considered gestational surrogacy? I mean, really--once you're matched with a surrogate, it's as close as you're going to get to having your own child. The cost is similar to private/int'l adoption and finding a GS is not as hard as you'd think (read: don't pay someone to do it--you can actually do it yourself). Heaven knows it's quicker than adoption. The child could biologically be yours. And cost-wise, it's not going to be far off from what you're looking at.

Just a thought.

 

[SundayCrepes]

Quote:

Originally Posted by heatherdeg Have you considered gestational surrogacy? I mean, really--once you're matched with a surrogate, it's as close as you're going to get to having your own child. The cost is similar to private/int'l adoption and finding a GS is not as hard as you'd think (read: don't pay someone to do it--you can actually do it yourself). Heaven knows it's quicker than adoption. The child could biologically be yours. And cost-wise, it's not going to be far off from what you're looking at.

My understanding is most often IVF doesn't work because of embryo quality, so doing a surrogate in that situation doesn't make sense. Since you carried a baby to term, it sounds like there's nothing wrong with your uterus, it's the embryos that make it difficult. So if you have trouble again, maybe the issue would be egg donation. That could bring issues of its own. I was 44 when we decided adoption over egg donation. It's a personal decision just like IVF/adoption is personal. We did a domestic, private (no agency) newborn adoption. PM me if you want more info.