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I am a mother of 2 girls, 6 and 3, and i have recently faced a problem that took me off guard. My 6 yr old has a 9 yr old neighbor friend (or i thought so). My 6 yr old likes to watch mine-craft and other kids videos on you tube, I try to keep an eye on her, i even downloaded the you tube kids version. last week i was looking at you tube search history on my phone and i saw something about (girl kiss girl) so i natural y freaked out and tried to get to the bottom of it, my child denied strongly that any one told her anything and that she dreamt about it. I am not defending my child but SHE WAS TOLD THAT.... 6 YR OLD DON'T JUST WAKE UP AND DECIDE TO LOOK FOR KISSING VIDEOS. So after me and my husband talked to her, we restricted phone and tab access using kids apps. the next day i was checking my tablet, AND OMG, am not going to write what i read, but it was so disturbing, and so sexual that i couldn't read any further. I was sooooo mad at my 6 yrs old and i grounded her until she tells me truth because she kept saying she did it on her own. Eventually she came to me and told the truth, that her 9 yrs old friend told her about it and that the 9 yr old was the one using google voice to search for all that. she cried and admitted her part and that she was so sorry, I explained to her that she cannot play with that girl any more and she was very upset and said that's why she did not want to tell on her, she was afraid to lose a friend. We called the parent of the 9 yrs old, in the beginning they they were as surprised as we were, then they started to blame my 6 yr old , their daughter said it was all my daughter and that she did not know any thing about and that my not even 6 yer daughter made her watch those thing, they claim their daughter cannot spell so there is no way she could of done it.... vice search duhhhhh!!!!! so we told them that our daughters should not play ALONE any more, they can be in groups or under our supervision. the next day the father of that girl came over to TALK... I am not trying to judge, but this guy and his wife has no discipline for their children at all, all the neighbors know that and try to keep away from them ( you should see the way they let their girl talk to them in public), my daughter is so nice she plays with that girl cause no one else will, I should of followed my instinct when i first met them, but I decided to give them a chance, AND I LEARNED MY LESSON.the father was trying to put it all on my kid basically saying his daughter is an angel, so I told him our daughter cannot play together any more and that my daughter does not know most of the words that were on the search bar (how can she know the word cuger and [email protected]#$#@ when she doesn't even watch any thing but Disney and nick junior) . we agreed its better for them to be apart. an hour later he calls my husband saying my daughter is the bad person here and that he is forbidden his child from being near mine.... REALLY??? any ways , I know it does not make any sense that my 6 yr old would know all those nasty things and the 9 years old is the innocent one especially that she looks and talks WAY more mature that her age, she even told me she watches game of thrones..... that should of been a red flag for me.... there are alot of details I did not write here because it would be tooooo long, but the bottom line comes to logic, who would have done it or at least started it, an almost 6 yr old who has strict parents or a 9 year old who is allowed to do whatever she wants when ever she wants and has no boundries. so now my daughter is heart broken, and I do not know what to do?????? any advice ?????
 

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You and your family will have to weather this out. You did the right thing, IMO, even went the extra mile to try to talk among parents.

The values of your family and the former-friend's family are quite different and in the future you will be more aware, I think, and more discerning with the socializing.

To my opinion, your primary job right now is to address your child's lack of self-esteem that she would cover up for someone she knew was wrong rather than be rejected. That to me is a big concern. The older child, also worldly-wise, had all the power in the relationship. Why does your child want to be in a relationship like that? There were other options, such as your daughter being scared and telling someone, refusing to play with the person who dominates her and breaks "rules." I would be working on character-building through family activities, books and videos, and healthy socializing.

No matter what the other parent said the result is EXACTLY RIGHT - they won't be playing together. So your aim is met. Let them fume and blame, who cares, accept the conclusion with relief and attend to your own family's well-being.

Sorry this happened. Be ready to deal with stuff like this for many, many more years; you will all have to be built up strong.
 

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You can't stop your daughter from being heartbroken, but you have to keep her safe. It sounds like this "friendship" has been one with a risky power dynamic for her.

I would work really hard to get your daughter play opportunities with more appropriate playmates.

You can't fix the other family.
 

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I am impressed by the fact that parenting gurus of all stripes caution parents about the dangers of the influence of delinquent peers because this type of influence is a factor in many of the worst outcomes.

If you allowed further interaction with this 9 year old, then you would have supervise it, be always in earshot and always monitoring.

I hope you can find some substitute buddies for your kid. Better and younger.
 

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The key is to not be "charge-y" about any of this. This is the only way to take effective action...in anything. But especially with kids. You have charge on this...as would I. Actually something along the same lines happened with my son and two other boys when he was in the 2nd grade so I do get it, it's hard not to have extreme emotions about this kind of stuff. It took me a really long time to let go of the charge from all of it, even with some of the personal growth tools that I have. But the important thing is, use whatever tools to clean this charge from your being, and then take the next steps (if there are any necessary next steps) to address this. I know that's not the kind of response you were looking for, but getting into who is right or who is to blame is not going to be in the highest interest of you daughter. And FWIW, before reading your post, I just posted in this forum about talking about sex with your kids. Synchronicity?
 

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3 years age difference is way too much when you don't know exactly what is going on in someone else's house like what TV shows they watch, do they also have older friends as well, are they at 9 being less supervised than you as a parent want your 6 year old. Be happy this happened now rather than when the girl is 12. Start taking your daughter to the park more to play with girls closer in age, she is 6, she willer over it. Maybe do some damage control in case they start telling everyone their version. I would be a bit worried about that sort of thing
 

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Wow....where did this girl even learn all that at 9 yrs. old? Wonder if somebody stumbled onto the parents porn or something. No way a six yr. old in a strict household would understand what she was even typing. And I also wonder what's going on with this girl that she is so driven by thoughts of sex (again, at age 9) to google it?
 

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I was sooooo mad at my 6 yrs old and i grounded her until she tells me truth because she kept saying she did it on her own.
Because of that reaction, you will never know when she was telling the truth or whose idea it was. If it really was your daughter's idea, but you refused to believe her, now she knows that these ideas she was curious about are so horribly shameful that she must never admit them to you again or ask you any questions.

I'm a developmental psychologist. I also was a child who was very curious about sex and relationships as far back as I can remember (much younger than 6) although I was never molested or inappropriately influenced. I've also noticed that there's been a lot of discussion of same-sex marriage lately, at least in the United States. (I don't know where you live.) Taking all these things into consideration, I don't think it's AT ALL strange for a 6-year-old to wonder if girls really do kiss girls and if she might find a video of it.

I think it's weird to focus on blaming one child or the other and preventing them from seeing each other rather than on SUPERVISING computer use. I don't mean checking your history after the fact; I mean keeping an eye on what the kids are doing as you pass by every few minutes. When you're not able to supervise, they can't use the computer. It's that simple.
 
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