[mandalamama]

my husband and i have been having some pretty serious troubles, so much so that about 5 weeks ago, i asked him to sleep somewhere else (we had a guest bed at the time). then i had the BEST sleep i have ever had! just me and the babe in bed, snuggled up.

it's a queen-size bed, and my husband and i are both large people. i have a bedside co-sleeper, but would just lay down with Willow in my arms after she woke to eat, and fall asleep like that. it doesn't work for the whole night, though, she likes to start out with some space to move around in, then after she eats she likes to be held close. anyway ... we moved downstairs, no more guest bed, so he's been sleeping in the bed again.

i'm down to maybe 3 hours sleep per night, i just can't stand sleeping with him while we're still having problems! and i hate, hate, hate not being able to sleep with Willow the way we did for those 3 weeks. the co-sleeper seems miles away after being that close to her. and her sleep is disturbed also, it's not as deep as it was. i keep begging him to put the spare bed in her room, and use that. or me and her can move to the spare bed. (it's out in the garage right now.) he says no, no, no, he wants to work on the marriage yada yada. i am just NOT ready yet! i put my foot down, i say "we sleep much better if it's just me and Willow, i don't want you in the family bed!" he ignores me. honestly i just don't feel safe with him there, even though he's not doing anything right now to make me feel that way.

i feel guilty that i want to sleep seperate from my husband. but honestly, i don't even know where this marriage is going, if it can be fixed. in the meantime, i really just want to get some good sleep! and i want Willow to be able to sleep better, as well.

any ideas, experiences?

 

[earthenware]

s to you, it sounds like you're going through a tough time and i'm sure being sleep deprived isn't helping you feel grounded enough to work it out!

is there any way you could set up the spare bed yourself or get a girlfriend to help while your husband is out? i would set up a nice cozy place in your babe's room for the two of you to sleep and let your husband stay in your room. maybe before you do anything, explain to him that after having a few weeks of proper rest you can see how much you *need* it to function, expecially to be emotionally stable enough to work things out with him. maybe try going at it from the point of view that this is a temporary move to give you ALL enough rest to start to make your family stonger, that this IS a step in that direction - would that be enough motivation for him to be okay with it?

Also, you say Willow likes her own space at the beginning of the night - what about starting her in her own room (not sure how the co-sleepers work safety-wise for solo sleeping at her age??) while you go to bed with your husband (after she's asleep) in your room and when she wakes for the first time, then you move into bed with her. Might give you and your husband a bit of time together to mend things (if/when you feel like you're comfortable sleeping with him again) and make him feel like you're trying.

Just some thoughts and I really wish you well (and a good night's sleep!!)

 

[AugustineM]

I often do what MilkyDimples just said. I start out the night by nursing DS to sleep on a mattress on his floor, then go and snuggle with DH for a while. The first time DS wakes up (1-4 hours later) I go and sleep with him. Sometimes I bring him to bed with us around 4am or so. It's a nice arrangement. I get time with DS and time with DH, and we all sleep pretty well. It's really easy to just put a mattress on the floor, and also I don't worry about him rolling out of bed.

BTW, your DH said "he wants to work on the marriage" and that's why he wants to "make" you & DD sleep with him? That doesn't really seem to be "working on the marriage" to me, if you aren't keen on it. Maybe suggest counseling? That would probably work better than making sure you're all squeezed into a queen size bed and not comfortable. IMHO that would be making things worse!

 

[SouthernMommaOf2]

Just wanted to reply to let you know I'm here for you and wanted to tell you a few things that might help you be more at ease. You sound like you are exhausted of your dh atm and that you don't have any un-easy feelings towards your dd so that's why you are more than willing to have her close to you during the night rather than dh. Who wants to snuggle up to someone who makes you feel uneasy and unsettled in life atm. I would go with your instincts and enjoy the cosleeping with dd and tell dh to move outta the bed temp. while you get your feelings and emotions on the same track as his or that you will camp out in dd's room. If you have to, move the bed on your own and then you don't have to ask dh to do it and knowing he will say no. I know some may think I'm nuts but I can understand what you are going through and the LAST thing you want is to feel like your space is being intruded upon even though it's your dh. We all need our space to breathe and yours just happens to be at night. Good Luck!!

Mandi

 

[pinky]

Sorry you're having such a hard time.

I just wanted to add that dh and I are having no problems whatsoever and we sleep apart for now (usually). For us, sleeping separately is about both of us getting as much sleep as we can at night, and has nothing to do with our marriage--if anything, it helps our marriage because we're both better rested and can be there for each other more during the day!

I worry a little when you say that you don't feel safe. Please take care of yourself and get help if you need it.

 

[phathui5]

I agree with what Pinky said. I don't think that wanting to sleep in a separate bed so that you get more rest means that there's trouble with your marriage.

 

[hunnybumm]

Meli - I read some of your posts in Parents as Partners. For everyone else, there is a lot of history as to her situation. Including an abusive incident, some major controlling issues, and Meli has a physical imparment (for lack of a better word, sorry Meli! I can't remember exactly what it is). So she is unable to move the mattress herself. Meli, I feel he is really using this to control you in another way. Are you going out and doing more with Willow? If so he may be trying to reel you back in. Have you met any new people in your area who could help you move the mattress? I have no doubt that if you asked someone who you just met they would be more than willing to help you, especially since you are looking after a small child and don't have the physical strength to do it yourself.

Other than that, I have no clue what to suggestion. I think the mattress on the floor in a seperate room would be the best bet. Then, later down the line, if you feel ok sleeping with your DH again you can spend the first part of the night with him, then move in with Willow when she wakes up the first time. If your DH thinks it is more important to share the family bed than for you to get sleep then he isn't trying to change.

Hope you can find a solution that works, even if it is temporary.

 

[LizD]

Just want you to know that we are not having more troubles than the things we usually need to work on, and we are ok with sleeping in separate rooms when we simply need rest. It used to bother me a lot if he wanted to sleep elsewhere (before the baby) because he often sleeps better alone, but now that I have discovered, as you have, how well it is possible to sleep, and how nice it can be to have your own space at night again, I highly recommend all married persons sleep alone part of the time.

A friend of mine insists she and her husband have separate bedrooms- and she's really into him and they have no problems. They need their space.

I see his point about working on the marriage and wanting to spend the night together, but forced closeness doesn't equal a good marriage. Be gentle with him, as annoying as it is, so as not to fan the flames, but do what you want, too.

On a practical level I would suggest putting a bed in the baby's room, and starting out the night in bed with you & your husband, and then when she wakes going in to her and staying with her. Then you're not kicking him out, at least. It's an uncomfortable situation but I also know how sweet it is to go to bed, just you and your baby. It passes all too quickly and shouldn't be shortened (as long as you enjoy it) by marital silliness- all our problems will be right where we left them when the babies are sleeping all night.

good luck.

 

[mandalamama]

thank you for all the replies ... honestly, i slept so well with just the baby that i would want to do it even if my husband and i weren't having problems! i'm a lot more productive when i sleep on her schedule, because she sleeps pretty well. i told him that, and asked him to move the guest bed into her room for me, he said he'd think about it. so that's a start. he's one of those people that believes a marriage starts to end the moment the couple sleeps separately. i'm one who believes that any sleep is good sleep!