[jess_paez]

when i first met my dh (we met online), it started as a extremely close friendship, we were attracted to eachother, then naturally it turned into a relationship, i met him (he was states away)...and it was wonderful. we fell in love and i moved in with him some months later. we still have a great bond and we are very romantic towards eachother, but there are some things that i just cannot seem to get over, i know i can...but i guess i just need advice.
dhs mom was very sick when i first met him, she was an older mom (65) and had not been taking very good care of herself. very thin, an alcoholic, ect. she has since passed away

it was very hard on both of us, but what made it harder is that we had just lost our baby (22 weeks gestation) 2 months prior to mil passing. dh has guilt issues that stem from his mother, because he travels all over the world for his job and wasn't able to be there when his mom passed away..although we did go visit her a month before she died.
this is a difficult one to explain..here are my issues:
*when i first met him..he did lots of things for his sister, which is very thoughtful and wonderful, but he was doing things that seem to me like un-natural. gave her a small downpayment for a new car (i think 300.00), but she already had 3 cars? and a long term bf.
*she was given the house (not a great home), that they grew up in, because his mom knew she was going to pass away. that's fine with me, but why is she always needing help from dh?
*she called dh and asked for carpet for the house she was given, and asked to rent a 200$ sander to sand the wood floors, dh said no, but i am still wondering if he just said that, because he knew how i felt about all this weirdness.
*she got married 2 months after we did and called and asked if we would treat them to renting a boat to go on their honeymoon with them...a day trip of sorts, (we never did get a honeymoon and we eloped)....to save money. dh said yeah sounds good.

-we never ended up going, but still...he said yes!
*we had some mail sent to her house (our tax check of 1200.00) she asked us if we would donate it to her 1 day after she found out our baby was dead!!!! that really hurts me. it is not at all like we swim in money. and she had just purchased a 10,000.00 truck and given a home 4 months prior!
i was talking to her on instant messanger at the time and i was the one to relay the message to dh, i said, "sil wants to know if we can give her money." he says, "sure, how much does she need?"

: our baby had just died. how could she ask us for such a thing?

my thing is i would have given up everything to have my baby back. material possessions mean nothing to me.
*he also agreed not to loan her money after we talked. he understood how morally wrong it was of her to ask after such turmoil in our life, but when we decided to wait to have another baby, he says, "well if you want to wait, maybe we should loan sil money then". i only wanted to wait because i thought saving up money would be the way to go for our future child.
*when his mom passed away,

, we went down to Fl where his sis lives and his mom lived and they didn't have a funeral, but we went down for support. her house is a mess! she has 8 dogs and even more cats. i cleaned her sons room (he's 10), because some family was coming up that night to also spend time with all of us and were going to stay in that room. i spent 2 hours cleaning that room. sil left to "go get cleaning supplies"....but came back after i was done cleaning! and the supplies she did buy..never got used and there was def more cleaning that needed done in other areas of the house.
*later that night i was thirsty and sil had some mikes hard lemonade in the fridge. i had one. dh grabbed it out of the fridge and gave it to me. she made a face? anyways....i asked dh to go to the store with me to grab some corona...it was a beautiful night and they his cousins had brought some tequila from mexico...well i can't do that stuff..but i wanted a drink too. he was too busy to go with me (i don't know the neighborhood well, so couldn't go alone and it was dark and *gasp* in a bad neighborhood)

...he was too busy, so he grabbed another mikes for me? i walk in the house a while later with the drink and sil in law says to me in front of alllll the family, "you know jess if you want more of those you can buy them at sams club."
.................................................. ..........................

so mean......i just cleaned her sons room for 1. and for 2, i only had 2 in 4 hours. why is she so mean to me?
i put down my drink and walked out to the car, i had had enough. on the way out i said, dh let's go. i forgot my purse inside and had to walk back inside, dh was still in there and i said, "please, now."
(i was afraid what i would say to her!)............we kind of forgot about it after that and i remained mellow to her. she's just so odd and i have never talked to her about this.
i just don't get it, even the money thing. she has a college degree. she's a librarian, she works full time. she's had that job for 5 years. she doesn't need mine and dh's money. if she really needed it i would want to help out more. but she simply doesn't. last time we were over she said to her dh, "i wonder what our next purchase should be. i think a flat screen would go great right here."

i am sooo soooo frugal. i only buy when i need things.

thing is dh feels guilty for not being there when their mom died and i get that, i really do. but he simply couldn't be. we had no idea she would pass away when she did. we did make the trip one month prior. his mom said to him a while before she died, "when i die please take care of your sister." i understand that too, but what about her actions? she has to help herself! she's 31! dh is 27!
what do i do to try and get over this. i do plan on taking some counseling for myself at least, but i'm overseas now and won't be back in the states (i don't speak spanish in spain) for it.....

 

[annethcz]

It sounds to me like your DH set a precendent of lending/giving money to his sister before you were married. Once a precedent like that is set, it can be very difficult to change. I would think that your MIL's request for your DH to "take care of his sister" is likely compounding the problem. Even if your DH agrees with you intellectually, it can be hard to see people we love in need.

Is there any way for you to find a bilingual or English-speaking marriage counselor? Maybe a pastor?

 

[mamazee]

I grew up in an alcoholic family, and this all makes sense to me. My brother is the one who always needs help and money even though he really could handle things himself. But it is common to have a "lost soul" in an alcoholic house - it's one of the roles people in families like that take on. You might want to read about how alcoholism affects families. That might help you see what's happening, and maybe help him break out of his role in his family of origin too.

 

[jess_paez]

Quote:

Originally Posted by annethcz Is there any way for you to find a bilingual or English-speaking marriage counselor? Maybe a pastor?

thanks, your post helped a lot. i feel better already. i just needed some other insight. i just don't want to let it affect our marriage. i don't have a way to go to counseling, but if this baby in my belly sticks i will be going back to the states, so we'll see.

 

[jess_paez]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamazee I grew up in an alcoholic family, and this all makes sense to me. My brother is the one who always needs help and money even though he really could handle things himself. But it is common to have a "lost soul" in an alcoholic house - it's one of the roles people in families like that take on. You might want to read about how alcoholism affects families. That might help you see what's happening, and maybe help him break out of his role in his family of origin too.

that's very interesting! i never quite thought of it that way, i guess because my dad was an alcoholic and i didn't see those issues on our family i disregarded that. but it does make sense. i am starting to realize why she treats me this way....i just don't know how to help dh...

 

[mamazee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jess_paez that's very interesting! i never quite thought of it that way, i guess because my dad was an alcoholic and i didn't see those issues on our family i disregarded that. but it does make sense. i am starting to realize why she treats me this way....i just don't know how to help dh...

It depends on how dysfunctional the alcoholism made your family. Also, there might be different specific roles in specific families. And finally, you won't notice the roles as much in your own family - that's part of the dysfunction - it seems normal to you when you're in it. But it sounds SO MUCH like my brother that I can't help think that it's related. He got his kids these ridiculously expensive Christmas presents - a wii, they each got a Nintendo DS, and the older one got a Zune, etc. Then, in January, he asked me to buy his kids their food at McDonald's. If he can afford presents like that, he can afford a couple of happy meals. But that's how things go in my family. We act like he is unable to take care of himself, particularly financially, and he falls into the trap too and feels and acts needy. And overcompensates with his kids buy buying so much stuff, but that's another story for another day.

 

[mariekitt24]

Im no expert but at the very least I just wanted to offer my sympathy for you in this situation. That sounds really tough and I would be very upset if I was in your shoes. I really have a soft spot for others suffering with in law troubles because I suffer with them too, and never really felt like I got any support for it. His sister doesnt need your husbands money period. Seems like shes just used to being babied by him since he's been doing it for awhile but hes married, shes married, its time they both grew up and if you ask me. You are totally justified in being upset and you're right, she needs to take care of herself. Its hard when YOU can see the problem, but DH cant. Its no fun when you feel like hes just doing things because he knows you would be mad if he didnt. I've been there.
It wouldnt matter if they DID need help.. honestly, its just not your DH's responsibility period. His responsibility is to you. And it was wrong of his mother to lay the burden of taking care of his sister on him when she died. She should have told that to her husband, not to your DH. If he wants to do the caring thing, he needs to lay down the line and tell her he's not going to borrow her any money, that she needs to learn responsibility, that mainly, she just needs to learn to stand on her own feet and he isnt doing the caring thing for EITHER of you if he continues to hand out money. Im not very good at giving advice but mostly like I said I just wanted to let you know I feel for you and that you're supported. It bothers me that you have been pushed to the point of needing to see a councilor cause it seems like your DH doesnt care enough about your feelings to make things right. I second the suggestion to see a pastor together when you can.