[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

DD is 3 1/2 and very attached to me, almost literally. Whenever she isn't at preschool (necessary for work), she screams if she isn't sitting on my lap, tugging on my ear, holding my breasts, or all three at once. This wouldn't be a problem, except that I have major "don't like to be touched" issues. I know this is my problem, but nothing has every really helped. I have a real problem when people, any people, touch me too much. Poor DH has learned to adapt, and DS wasn't so much of a toucher. But I'm beginning to lose it with DD. There are times when I literally have to sit on my hands and clench my teeth to keep myself from screaming and hitting at her to get away from me. The only way I can see never submitting her to this sort of trauma (I truly don't want to hurt or scare her) is to help gently "wean" her away from so much physical contact. I've tried distracting her with things to do, and she is getting better with going outside and playing with DS for a while. I've tried never sitting down and she will cling to my legs and wimper, or put her hands up my pants or shorts to get closer to warm, soft skin. I've tried giving her things to hold so at least her hands are clutching at me, but she's gotten really good at playing with toys one-handed and holding me with the other, while sitting on my lap...

Any suggestions or thoughts? Please don't say "get over it", truly its stronger than that and I know that I'm going to completely lose it sooner rather than later.

 

[LynnS6]

My first thought would be to set certain times where she is free to sit on your lap and cuddle and do as much touching as YOU are comfortable with (if you don't want her fiddling with your breasts, she can be gently told that it makes you uncomfortable). Maybe just knowing that there are times when she will be free to get the snuggling she needs will make her less clingy about it.

Quote:

There are times when I literally have to sit on my hands and clench my teeth to keep myself from screaming and hitting at her to get away from me.

Think she might notice this? I would instead say "I need a break right now, and I need not to have anyone touching me. What would you like to do instead?" And then stand up -- if you combine it with some times where you are open and availalbe for it, or if you tell her "you can sit on my lap again in 5 minutes, I just need a few minutes to myself", it might help. I don't expect this to be painless, but she should adjust.

Oh, and a third thought -- do you know why you have issues with being touched? If it's past abuse something like that, I would look into counseling for you. If you've always "just been that way", then a book for you to read would be:
Too Fast, Too Loud, Too Bright What to do if you are sensory defensive in an overstimulating world

You might also try "The Out of Sync Child" - it's possible that your daughter is SEEKING sensory input while you're trying to avoid it -- a BAD combination.

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Yeah, I know where this comes from. Lots of therapy got me to the point where I could create children, YK? Though I do think its probably a combo of lots of past trauma for me and my own sensory issues that were never addressed. I'm not so good in crowds either! But I might also check out the books to see if they have any other suggestions. Thanks.

 

[LionTigerBear]

Has she always been like this? Or could it be a stage? If preschool is new, or there is some other big change going on for her, it could be just that she needs some extra comfort right now. If that's the case it might help you just knowing that this will pass soon.

Besides that I can only commiserate-- while I don't have a problem with being touched too much in general (usually) I do hate it when DS (2) fiddles with my breasts. It makes me feel violated and bring backs feelings of being objectified and powerless. This is due to my own issues too. There are times I feel like yelling at thim or something-- of course I don't. It has been hard trying to make him understand he needs to be respectful of my body parts because he considers the breasts HIS body parts lol!

Oh, one last thought-- a book I love that I am currently working with is called "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die". I could try to explain it to you but it would be easier for you to read about it on Amazon.com! Really, go check it out, it is not like a psych/self-help book at all, it is different than anything I have ever read and it works like magic (though it does take some time.) It helps with ANY emotional issues you are having (even physical issues that are related to stress), any at all, and helps you really resolve them, fairly quickly and very painlessly. I believe everyone would benefit from using this system.

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caitlin320 Has she always been like this? Or could it be a stage? If preschool is new, or there is some other big change going on for her, it could be just that she needs some extra comfort right now. If that's the case it might help you just knowing that this will pass soon.

Not at all new. She's always wanted to be in physical contact with me. She's been at this preschool for a year now, with daycare before that (always part time). I guess what's new is my level of negative response to the behavior, and a feeling, to a certain extent, that she should be growing past this by now. She nursed until 3, when I was really grateful for an easy "excuse" to wean her -- poisen oak infection covering my breasts with oozing sores. The breast play started after weaning her, but she has been pulling on my ears since she was born, more or less.

 

[LionTigerBear]

Oh well, at least her need for physical contact will lessen gradually as she get older. Let me know if you like the sound of that book. I can't recommend it enough.

 

[Roar]

I agree with the suggestion for you to initiate the cuddling for a set period of time first. "Let's put on music and cuddle for 10 minutes after lunch before I start the laundry". After you are done it is time to get up and move on to something else. I suspect that the cuddling will be easier when you know to expect it and your daughter may feel more like her needs are full if you label it as a special time when she gets her full attention. After that I think it is okay to start teaching the idea that your body is tired of touching for a bit and give her a positive alternative - "i am not in the mood to be touched, but I would like to build with blocks" or whatever.

 

[newmainer]

My dd is similar... only with the birth of ds have i really finally been able to put limits on her touching my breasts. Its the first thing she does when i pick her up or she sits in my lap. Now i just tell her, no. I explain that they need a break. she nurses breifly at night, and that's it.

She is also a super touchy-kid. Is your dd like this to everyone, or just you? It does get really frustrating. I try and re-direct like saying, "you can't grab around my neck, but you can hold my hand" or something like that. I def. get maxed out too and since she often freaks out if i completely put her away from me (which i will if she is too aggressive or rough or not listening to my requests) than i find something that meets both our needs.

 

[HomeBirthMommy]

OMG-I have a clingy ear-puller, too. FWIW, she's 4 1/2 now and it is not nearly as intense as it was a year ago. I was going bonkers last year when I had NO time without her touching me (and I don't have touch issues). She would lean on me so hard that she would knock us both over. She would follow me into the bathroom and try to sit on my lap and pull my ears when I was on the toilet. She just HAD to be in constant contact with me. I did gently tell her that I needed some time to myself and didn't want to be touched. She would be OK with this for maybe 30 seconds and then be drawn to the touching again. She also did it with dh when he was home.

She's still a cuddly kid and she's still an ear-puller (mostly her own now, thankfully). I still get the occasional hand in my shirt, but very rarely. She seems to have grown out of the intense need to touch me and/or dh constantly. Maybe it's the age and your dd will grow out of it too?

 

[NameDeNada]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I thought I was abnormal and not a very good mom. I have a hard time with lots of cuddling and clinging too. From anyone.

That book looks interesting - might have to check it out.