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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My ex abnd my best friend both live in the same town and now they are starting to hang out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> I feel sad and lonely and left out and.....selfish and confused. And the thing is it is just as much about her as it is about him. Sigh.
 

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((((((((hugs)))))))))<br>
that's such crap. some friend she is. and how crappy of your ex. i'm so sorry. that would really hurt my feelings too.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Oh, Brussel...I am so sorry! I totally feel your hurt and confusion. What a horrible thing for your best friend to do. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
There are just some boundaries that should never be crossed, IMO, between best friends and exes! It is a loyalty issue!!! You shouldn't have to be going through this!<br><br>
How did you find out? Did one of the come clean? Are they just hangin' out as "friends"? Which I still don't think is acceptable. A best friend would never cross that line because she would know how much it would hurt you!<br><br>
Stand tall, girlfriend...you are stronger and better than both of them!
 

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I agree that sucks.<br>
I also agree that your friend is definitely crossing the line & maybe isn't a friend if she would do that.<br>
I am so sorry you're going through this. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
~ L.J.
 

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I agree with LJ as well. Ex's are off limits for friends, and friends should be off limits for ex's too... shame on both of them for not taking you into consideration.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
Your ex and your friend have both crossed the line. And don't you feel like you are being selfish- they are the ones being selfish. IMHO, neither one of them deserves you.<br>
Stay strong, and try not to let it get you down.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Have you let your friend know that you feel weirded out by this?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Wow, that really bites the big one! With friends like that, who needs enemies?<br><br>
I hope you feel better soon, though, because you're awsome and deserve to feel like: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banana.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banana"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
Karen
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><div style="text-align:center;">Let them have each other <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: Sounds like they care more about themselves than any one else anyway! You should be surrounded with people who want to hug you all day every day, because they know the value of a truefriendship!</div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I agree with the others - becoming "friends" on any level with an ex is strictly off-limits. It is a loyalty issue, and you really do deserve better, Brussel. Big cyber (((hug))) coming your way<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks for all of the hugs and support <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
I have spoken with my ex about it extensively now, but am really afraid to talk to my friend about it. I guess I really need to, but I already know what she is going to say. sigh.<br><br>
I think that this whole thing has brought up some issues that I feel like I need to deal with in myself. Issues about me always feeling like I need to be the self sacrificing one, kwim? I have always felt like I am being selfish if I stand up for myself at all, and I am not sure how to get over that <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> In fact the week before my ex left me I remember beating myself up for being selfish because I didn't want him to talk to his exwife so much....then he left me for her <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> I guess maybe I just need to learn to listen to me more!!!<br><br>
I dunno, how do you balance being caring and giving with not getting walked all over? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/confused.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Confused">:
 

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Hi Brusselsprout,<br><br>
I'm right there with you, and don't really have the answer. But it seems like to some extent, it is a great quality to be caring and thoughtful of others. We have to also remember that we deserve the same amount of thoughtful caring too. Some of us are very empathetic, and we've got to learn to focus that energy on ourselves as well as others... cause other people usually aren't that considerate!<br><br>
Just remember, your needs are just as important than other people's needs. I know, easier said than done.<br><br>
You need to talk to your "friend". Don't let her move the conversation away from discussing how you feel. Make sure you've gotten it off your chest entirely, without excuses and accommodations about her SHE feels, etc. You'll feel better. Hopefully you can salvage your friendship if you wish. But don't let her pretend that what she is doing is okay and not hurtful.<br><br>
Take Care,<br><br>
Karen
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Sorry to hear that! You would think that your friend would stay away from your ex, especially if you told her all the reasons that you are not together anymore.<br><br>
Sorry again <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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CO DEPENDENCY????? I just recently was divorced from a recovered alcoholic. I spent years bending over backwards to please him. Finally I reluctantly left, and that is very complicated I won't get into details here<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Anyhow I second guess myself constantly! I go round & round & you guessed it ROUND some more! In trying to focus on my children, myself, and a new begining I have questioned why is it so hard to put me first? Alanon has a term <span style="text-decoration:underline;">codependency</span>, and really it helps explain a lot about this type of behavior. I don't tend to lable "conditions", but this hit home <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> I like to believe that we must have already seen this life before, or experienced similar lessons Therfore we have a deeper understanding of human nature, and dependencies. Mabey our empathetic qualities, and nurturing tendencies mean we are a step ahead. At least you know that your thoughts are not so insane afterall! I am amazed at how many of us think so alike. Hang in there mama's we will have our time to relish in happiness~
 

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It's not easy to balance all that.<br>
What did he say when you talked to him?<br><br>
I'm sorry, that is pretty crappy! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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To quote DS #2 when he doesn't like something "That stinks on ice!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
Hope that you are feeling better!
 

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brussel, I am so sorry you had this happen, and it is a pretty crapheaded friend to do such a thing, especially without talking to you about it first.<br>
I would reevaluate how important the friendship is to you.<br><br>
I let go of a friendship that was not in my best interests, it was one of the best things I ever did. Life became so much easier once I let go.<br><br>
Do not change who you are out of fear of being hurt. Being empathetic is a positive quality that more people should have..and yes, at times it gets you dumped on and hurt, but it can also result in having wonderful lifelong friendships.<br><br>
Yes, talk to your friend, you need to let her know how hard this is for you.<br><br>
Hang in there, mama.. Karen
 
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