[nym]

***UPDATED*** post 7

I made a really bad mistake! I need some advice!

Back Story: I split up with my XH about 4 years ago, when I was pregnant with DS2. I got my life back together on my own, with having BP2, and two little boys, on welfare, I got off welfare, got a job, a car, got my life together. I had some great friends, my sister moved to where I lived and she had a baby. My kids saw their dad 3 times a week, and they were settled with school and daycare. I was single for a couple of years, dating here and there and then in Fall 2007 I met my current partner.

We moved to another province in July of 2008 for work, he got a job here and I moved to be with him even though I knew it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. Our relationship was showing cracks already but I thought it might be okay. I was wrong.

In the mean time my XH moved 600 km farther away from the town we were in. My kids have not seen their dad in 9 months.

So now, our relationship is close to being done. I'm ready for it to be done, but Im worried for my kids. They love my partner, he has taken over a huge dad role, and they love his family too. He has a large family that while isn't close to us (they all live in the town we moved from) they are quite active in my kids life, which is awesome because my family isn't that active and my XH and his family are not involved AT ALL.

If we split up, which I can see happening sooner rather than later, we are going to be in a town that is really expensive to live in and the only reason I would stay is I have a good solid salaried job. There are no friends, there are no great places to live, its expensive and its lonely here. I would move back to the town we lived in, where my friends and my sister are and try to get my life back on track, but I gave up a terrific rent controlled super cheap duplex and I'm resentful that Im going to have to find something not as great and way more than I can afford, and there is no work there. Im worried about finding a job. Also, my Partners family is there, and I don't know if he would move back or stay here alone. I gues that doesn't matter, except I was close to them and ill lose that.

On the other hand my sister lives there and its only 600 km away from the kids dad instead of the 2000 we are now.

I don't know. I've been wallowing for a while because Im not sure what to do.

Any advice?

 

[nym]

 

[vegasgrl]

I'm sort of struggling with the same thing, albeit for different reasons. I am in Las Vegas while my whole family is in Detroit (no clue how many kms that is

). I've been sending my resume to any job in Detroit that looks promising, but have decided that I can't give up a good job right now; it just doesn't make sense even though I'm lonely and I will have near-zero help when the baby comes. But there are still days when packing up and moving back to Detroit sounds like an excellent idea. I guess I'm going to keep trying to make the move back, but not do anything drastic unless I have a job.

Whichever way you decide to go, don't beat yourself up. You took a risk with STBXP and it didn't pay off. Such is life. You have to get over the fact that you gave up the duplex and move on. It is what it is, you know? (I'm only saying this because I constantly beat myself up over my choices, which is extremely counterproductive and doesn't at all help me deal with the situation at hand.)

 

[Tilia]

Honestly, I would move back to the town your sister is in. Just having a good support system makes everything easier.

 

[JustAnotherBrick]

I personally would move to where I had a support system and family. Maybe you can start looking for jobs in the town your sister lives in and go from there. I agree with Tilia that a good support system makes everything easier - and it might be good for you to have a fresh start.

 

[Truly S]

Having a strong support system is something I find myself continually longing for...on a practical level but also on a deeper level than that, more primal even. Raising children..."it takes a village", so true.
Sounds like moving back would be the most solid foundation you could provide for yourself and your kids.
The rest of it, is a process.
Splitting with someone is even harder when they come with a wonderful, supportive family. I was with someone for 2 years, it ended and I grieved the loss of the family, his mom is wonderful. Apart for a long while and now in recent months it seems, we've found ourselves in one another's lives again.

The key component this time, is that I know I need to remain as independent as I can, to be prepared when and if a relationship does not work out.
Go where you'll be surrounded by people who want to help you through this difficult transition....

 

[nym]

so DP and I broke up and I have been crunching numbers to see what i can do.

I am not looking to move for another 2 months as we are stuck in a lease, but I can move into a place here and keep working at my job having some sort of relative security because I do make okay money here.

I can move back to my old town. I want to do this, everyone in my family thinks that this is the best idea and I do too. BUT....

There are no jobs there right now. Well I imagine I can find a job working at Mcdonalds... and rent is still high there. 700 a month for a crappy 1 bedroom apartment. I cant afford that. ( I live in Canada, its all high COL. Even to find a crappy hood apartment here is 700 a month). I can stay with my sister for a month or two until I find a place and a job.

Ill have a little bit of money saved up but my XDP is bleeding me dry, he hasn't worked in months and keeps eating all the food I buy and everything, I still have a tons of bills to pay etc. I think Ill be able to save up first months rent and damage deposit - hopefully

Im really scared about being super super poor again. I did it before when I was pregnant and living in a shelter and I survived, but I finally got myself out of it and now Im going back to that, and now things are even more expensive. Ill have two kids, one in grade 1 and one in daycare and I just dont know how I am going to do it.

Its almost easier to put up with the crap here all the time...

Im sooo unhappy though.

 

[Isamama]

When you don't "think" about all the stuff that's in your head (the what if's, the maybes, the buts, etc)--what feels right? What I mean is to somehow quiet the mind and see what you are drawn to doing. You will find your answer there.

Good luck!