Background- My DS is 6, his father has seen him exactly 4 times. Twice since September, which is a HUGE improvement lol. I have recieved child support, on time every month since he was 2 . I get $120 a month. That doesn't even cover afterschool care for a week. I'm greatful that I get that, since I know a lot of mama's who get nothing. I work full time, and make pretty good money. His father is a teacher, and co-owns a car repair place with his dad, AND I found out (from snooping around the tax assessor web site..) that he has purchased 3 rental properties in addition to his home since 2001. I rent, and would love to buy a house myself. After talking to friends, I decided to go back to raise my support, since he seems to have all of this money to buy houses. So we both got a copy of the court papers in the mail today, he called me yelling a swearing a few minutes ago. He says I'm "playing games" and should have just told him I needed money. I don't know what to do now. I have a feeling if I go through with this he'll never see DS again, on the other hand, if I don't do it I don't know if he'll see him any how since he doesn't seem to care to begin with. So, I need opinions please...WWYD?
I need some emotional support
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Oh, my, a similar thing happened to me not long ago...I feel for you, mama.
He's just mad because he will have to pay more.
You know, since he has had such a close relationship with you and ds all these years, it would have been so easy to talk to him about raising the support...yeah right!
Don't feel bad, mama, do what you gotta. He obviously doesn't have your best interest at heart.
Good luck, and hang in there!
He's just mad because he will have to pay more.
You know, since he has had such a close relationship with you and ds all these years, it would have been so easy to talk to him about raising the support...yeah right!
Don't feel bad, mama, do what you gotta. He obviously doesn't have your best interest at heart.
Good luck, and hang in there!
$120/month is a pitifully small amount of child support. You are devoting what, 99% of your income to raising this child and he is contributing MAYBE 7% of his income? The only game you are playing is real life. It takes money to raise children in our society. Providing money for children you help create is a fact of life. I get so incredibly angry at the attitude that expecting financial support is "playing games" or manipulative or vindictive or anything other than justifiable.
And, just because other mothers and children don't get anything doesn't mean you should feel guilty in any way about what you do receive or make you feel that you shouldn't ask for more. Everyone deserves it and you not getting it would not benefit anyone but the deadbeat.
I am very sorry that you are going through this. It is so frustrating that it should ever even be an issue.
And, just because other mothers and children don't get anything doesn't mean you should feel guilty in any way about what you do receive or make you feel that you shouldn't ask for more. Everyone deserves it and you not getting it would not benefit anyone but the deadbeat.
I am very sorry that you are going through this. It is so frustrating that it should ever even be an issue.
Your situation is tough. Your child's father is not doing his part emotionally or fiscally, IMHO. I applaud you for taking him to task on the financial end, and hope that he continues to have productive visits with your DS. My one suggestion would be to find a lisenced mediator in your area and work through that person. That may help not only on the financial level, but in your discussions, your son's father may "see the light" after hearing details related to raising your son.
Good luck to you!
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UUUUMMMMMMMM
Hello, you don't need money, HIS KID NEEDS MONEY
HIS KID NEEDS STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kids are expensive ( to a certain degree) and at this stage in your son's life it starts to get worse
I know, dd's bio mom was paying a whopping $200 a month, that is whenever the courts tracked her butt down and threatened legal action.
$200 feeds her, and that is about it. No clothes, no education, no toys, no healthcare, just food!
He's just whinny b/c he has to pay more and has less to spend on himself,
God what an irritating jerk!
At your ds age, he has only seen him 4 times, OOOOOHHHHHHH that makes me mad.
I say, if he has the money to be spending it on all kindsa stuff, go to the courts and as for at least 17% of what he makes before taxes!
That's what it was in WI until they made it manditory you pay a certain amount whether you have a job or not.
Hello, you don't need money, HIS KID NEEDS MONEY
HIS KID NEEDS STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kids are expensive ( to a certain degree) and at this stage in your son's life it starts to get worse
I know, dd's bio mom was paying a whopping $200 a month, that is whenever the courts tracked her butt down and threatened legal action.
$200 feeds her, and that is about it. No clothes, no education, no toys, no healthcare, just food!
He's just whinny b/c he has to pay more and has less to spend on himself,
God what an irritating jerk!
At your ds age, he has only seen him 4 times, OOOOOHHHHHHH that makes me mad.
I say, if he has the money to be spending it on all kindsa stuff, go to the courts and as for at least 17% of what he makes before taxes!
That's what it was in WI until they made it manditory you pay a certain amount whether you have a job or not.
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Basically you are subsidizing him and his rental properties. Think about it: he's not paying anywhere close to his fair share of the cost of raising your child. So who pays? You do. So who has extra money? He does.
Asking for more child support is totally reasonable. You shouldn't have to pay him to be a father, or go without things like owning a home just so he'll show up every now and then.
Chin up.
Asking for more child support is totally reasonable. You shouldn't have to pay him to be a father, or go without things like owning a home just so he'll show up every now and then.
Chin up.
I spent years feeling guilty for the exact same reason. I only get child support for 1 of my kids, it's $138 a month and his dad is constantly complaining that it's too much. After I put it into perspective I realized that he was being a jackass and ds needed and deserved more so I recently put in an order to raise child support...I'm still waiting to hear back on it. I think that there is absolutely NO reason for you to feel bad. If he doesn't see your ds after this, he is missing out. Unfortunately, so is your ds a bit, but he's missing out by not having his dad a regular part of his life anyhow (not meaning dad should be in the home, just more involved than he is) and going from 4 times a year to not at all really isn't much, sadly. The best thing for your ds is that you are able to support him the best you can. If you need/could use the extra money, get it! Dad is every bit as responsible for him as you are and should take part in the financial burden as well.
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How wrong of him. If he has that sort of attitude maybe it is for the better that you get the money as opposed to the headache of his ass! Well I know their relationship is important but gosh, buying the rental properties and three of them!!!!! and only paying you that much! That is pure chump change. Get the money, for now. He'll come to ---when he grows up a little. MEN.
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Why didn't you give him a heads up before going to the court?
He's been taking responsibility, paying what the courts told him to pay, reliably, for 4 years. He feels like he's doing his bit, and has no idea you want more until you blast him with court papers. I'd be kind of irked, honestly.
I think a phone call to him about upping support would have been a more courteous first step. Court stuff can be icky, and no one feels good about getting court papers out of the blue. He even said you should have just called if you needed more money, so it doesn't sound like he objects to raising the payments, just to how you went about it.
I would apologize to him.
Dar
He's been taking responsibility, paying what the courts told him to pay, reliably, for 4 years. He feels like he's doing his bit, and has no idea you want more until you blast him with court papers. I'd be kind of irked, honestly.
I think a phone call to him about upping support would have been a more courteous first step. Court stuff can be icky, and no one feels good about getting court papers out of the blue. He even said you should have just called if you needed more money, so it doesn't sound like he objects to raising the payments, just to how you went about it.
I would apologize to him.
Dar
Thanks for the replies everyone. I think after sleeping on it, I will go through with it. If he's not going to see him any how, I guess this won't have a huge effect on anything. And just to re-iterate, he's seen DS 4 times in his LIFE, not 4 times a year. It's really sad. He really needs a male in his life, it's getting more apparent as he gets older. DS is also bi-racial (I'm white, dad is black) and I hate that he misses out on that part of his family/culture. Luckily my friends husbands step in to help me out.
Dar- I understand about the phone call, but this is and example of what's happened in the past. I call DS"s father in NOVEMBER, call at different times a day for 3-4 days, always get his voice mail on his cell phone. I leave a message that i want to talk and to call me after 6pm when I'm home, he calls me back right away (Knowing I'm at work) and says to call him...so i call again and we just play phone tag for weeks. Finally talk to him the begining of December, he promises to see DS "tuesday", tues comes, no call, no answer on cell phone. Calls back 5-6 more times and leaves messages with different days that he will show up, never happens. I finally call and beg him ALL day Dec 26th and he shows up for 45 mins. THis is after my 6 yr old DS tells me he got everything he wanted for Christmas except to see his dad. I don't really have the opportunity to talk to him.
Dar- I understand about the phone call, but this is and example of what's happened in the past. I call DS"s father in NOVEMBER, call at different times a day for 3-4 days, always get his voice mail on his cell phone. I leave a message that i want to talk and to call me after 6pm when I'm home, he calls me back right away (Knowing I'm at work) and says to call him...so i call again and we just play phone tag for weeks. Finally talk to him the begining of December, he promises to see DS "tuesday", tues comes, no call, no answer on cell phone. Calls back 5-6 more times and leaves messages with different days that he will show up, never happens. I finally call and beg him ALL day Dec 26th and he shows up for 45 mins. THis is after my 6 yr old DS tells me he got everything he wanted for Christmas except to see his dad. I don't really have the opportunity to talk to him.
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I would try to get as much money as you can. Not because you want to annoy anyone, but just because fathers need to help raise their children, even if it is only by sending a check (since your ds's father hasn't been raising him any other way...). It's the least he can do.
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Go through with it. You should also have him pay you through the courts. It sounds like he is paying you crap compared to what he makes. He is probably just mad because he is going to have to pay you 3-4 times what he is now. My friend gets $600 a month for one child and her husband makes around $30K a year. If your son's father has rental incomes, partners in another business and works full time, he should be paying you accordingly to help care for his son. If he chooses not to see him, there really isn't anything you can do about. You can offer visitation, make it easy for him to see him, and encourage a relationship, but if he doesn't want to see his son to spite you, well that is his problem and one he will have face when his son is a teen or adult.
It sounds like this man is trying to control you. Do right by your son, get the child support you deserve for him (and have it paid through the court out of his wages) and try to be as positive as you can about his father, encouraging a relationship when possible. I think that is the best you can do. Also, next time he calls you say "You are not going to disrespct me this way, call me when you can talk to me with respect" and hang up.
Originally Posted by Saiahma Background- My DS is 6, his father has seen him exactly 4 times. Twice since September, which is a HUGE improvement lol. I have recieved child support, on time every month since he was 2 . I get $120 a month. That doesn't even cover afterschool care for a week. I'm greatful that I get that, since I know a lot of mama's who get nothing. I work full time, and make pretty good money. His father is a teacher, and co-owns a car repair place with his dad, AND I found out (from snooping around the tax assessor web site..) that he has purchased 3 rental properties in addition to his home since 2001. I rent, and would love to buy a house myself. After talking to friends, I decided to go back to raise my support, since he seems to have all of this money to buy houses. So we both got a copy of the court papers in the mail today, he called me yelling a swearing a few minutes ago. He says I'm "playing games" and should have just told him I needed money. I don't know what to do now. I have a feeling if I go through with this he'll never see DS again, on the other hand, if I don't do it I don't know if he'll see him any how since he doesn't seem to care to begin with. So, I need opinions please...WWYD? |
It sounds like this man is trying to control you. Do right by your son, get the child support you deserve for him (and have it paid through the court out of his wages) and try to be as positive as you can about his father, encouraging a relationship when possible. I think that is the best you can do. Also, next time he calls you say "You are not going to disrespct me this way, call me when you can talk to me with respect" and hang up.
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If he has not been present or communicative, then I see no reason why you owe him anything, even an explanation. And I would tell him so if he calls again demanding to know why it has to go through a court. And you certainly owe no one an apology.
Anyway, you do what you need to do for the well being of yourself and your child. The father can take care of himself and doesn't need your help to deal with this. The courts will decide what's fair.
A mediator, though, is an excellent suggestion. Sometimes it can help reduce some of the tension and anger and helps the two sides to see beyond what they want to hear and become aware of what the other is actually trying to say.
Or it forces self-centered people to remain quiet while the other party has a chance to speak...
Good luck! I hope you get your increase.
Anyway, you do what you need to do for the well being of yourself and your child. The father can take care of himself and doesn't need your help to deal with this. The courts will decide what's fair.
A mediator, though, is an excellent suggestion. Sometimes it can help reduce some of the tension and anger and helps the two sides to see beyond what they want to hear and become aware of what the other is actually trying to say.
Or it forces self-centered people to remain quiet while the other party has a chance to speak...
Good luck! I hope you get your increase.
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1,411 Posts
From his past behavior he has not shown to act in a way that is in the best interest of your child, so I'm sure if you dealt with him personally, he wouldn't act in the best interest of your child. You are doing the right thing by handling this through the courts. That amount is pitiful and you'll be able to help your child more this way. If he wants to do what's best for himself and his child, he'll figure out visitation, that's not your job. You have done well by your son.
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What would I do? Take him to court. Get more money. If you find that you don't need it all, put it in a savings fund for your child so his future is easier. If he decides to let this get in the way of his relationship with his son, that's his choice. His petty choice.
Originally Posted by Saiahma I don't know what to do now. I have a feeling if I go through with this he'll never see DS again, on the other hand, if I don't do it I don't know if he'll see him any how since he doesn't seem to care to begin with. So, I need opinions please...WWYD? |
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I wonder if the courts actually told him to pay such a paltry amount. It sounds like it might be just a verbal agreement between the two of them. Regardless, I'd hardly call $120/month in contribution toward your child's life "taking responsibility." Sorry, Dar... usually with you, but not here.
Sure, a phone call would have been nice. But, then, if he's only been around 4 times in 6 years, it's not as though she has any sort of active communication with him.
Originally Posted by Dar He's been taking responsibility, paying what the courts told him to pay, reliably, for 4 years. |
Sure, a phone call would have been nice. But, then, if he's only been around 4 times in 6 years, it's not as though she has any sort of active communication with him.
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Strength to you, also
You have every right to get as much money as possible to support your child. There is no reaon why he can't be paying more and why the financial responsbility is left to you.
This is not a game, this is called, taking care of your child and doing what it takes for your child to have what they need.
I understand what Dar was saying about being upset about the papers, but that's not really your problem. He didn't have to get upset about it and he didn't have to refuse to answer your previous calls or not see his child. You have to do whatever you need to do to represent your child's needs and if that means his dad gets p-ed off about being served, OH WELL!
If he chooses not to see your son again, there's nothing you can do about that either. There relationship is and will be whatever they make it and there is nothing you can do to change it. The best thing you can do is remain a constant loving positive force in your child's life and provide opportunity for other positive role models to be in his life.
You go, girl!
This is not a game, this is called, taking care of your child and doing what it takes for your child to have what they need.
I understand what Dar was saying about being upset about the papers, but that's not really your problem. He didn't have to get upset about it and he didn't have to refuse to answer your previous calls or not see his child. You have to do whatever you need to do to represent your child's needs and if that means his dad gets p-ed off about being served, OH WELL!
If he chooses not to see your son again, there's nothing you can do about that either. There relationship is and will be whatever they make it and there is nothing you can do to change it. The best thing you can do is remain a constant loving positive force in your child's life and provide opportunity for other positive role models to be in his life.
You go, girl!
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