I need to laugh (joke thread)

mahdokht · May 19, 2004

Come on, I'm wired tight and I need a good laugh. Tell me some jokes.

pilesoflaundry · May 19, 2004

Microsoft and a Halter Top 
What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? 
Both offer very little support! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> 
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty 
1. Look at the size of his putter. 
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 
6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. 
8. Just turn your back and drop it. 
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. 
10. Damn, I missed the hole again. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> 
credit due to jokes.com

indiegirl · May 19, 2004

Why do mice have small balls? 
wait for it 
cause they can't dance. 
go ahead, let it sink in....

indiegirl · May 19, 2004

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? 
nothin. 
he just let out a little whine.

lorrielink · May 19, 2004

lol, my bf came up with an alternitive to the microsoft one, 
-they both restrain software.. 
well you didnt ask for good jokes <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent">

plum · May 19, 2004

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"> 
OOOHHHH i get it! it's awesome! (the mouse one, i mean) 
how many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 
hippies don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in dirty sleeping bags. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush">

pilesoflaundry · May 19, 2004

This is a funny pic (it's a clean site!) <a href="http://www.ahajokes.com/crt868.html" target="_blank">http://www.ahajokes.com/crt868.html</a> 
This from same site, I found it hilarious but I find goofy tech support calls funny: 
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" 
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." 
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! 
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.

yoga · May 19, 2004

Hope this doesn't get edited or anything, but it's funny! So, uh, lighten up! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> Warning: The following joke contains profanity. (is that forbidden here?) 
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son 
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the 
train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get 
the 
hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who 
are 
getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going 
down the tracks." 
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind 
of 
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are 
to 
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your 
train, 
but I want you to use nice language." 
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing 
with 
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 
"All 
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all 
of 
your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and 
hope your trip was a pleasant one." 
She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just 
boarding, 
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, 
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and 
relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the 
child 
added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, 
please see the bitch in the kitchen."

plum · May 19, 2004

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/biglaugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="laugh">:

yoga · May 19, 2004

Want another? 
A man and a woman, who have never met before, found 
> themselves 
> ; assigned 
> to 
> the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. 
> 
> 
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over 
> sharing a room 
> , the two 
> were 
> tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper 
> bunk and 
> she in the 
> lower. 
> 
> At 1:00 a.m., he leaned over and gently wakes the 
> woman, 
> saying, "Ma'am, 
> I'm 
> sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to 
> reach into 
> the closet 
> to 
> get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." 
> 
> 
> 
> "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for 
> tonight, 
> let's pretend 
> that 
> we're married." 
> 
> "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaimed. 
> 
> "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" 
> 
> 
> 
> After a moment of silence, he farted.

Sustainer · May 19, 2004

LOL at the train joke. 
The computer tech conversation joke reminded me of another computer tech conversation I read about: 
Tech: now press the "p" key 
customer: I don't have a "p" key 
tech: On your keyboard, sir 
customer: What? 
tech: "P" on your keyboard, sir 
customer: I'm not going to do that!

yoga · May 19, 2004

okay, that's really funny! 
it reminds me of Crank Yankers. anyone here watch that show? it is soooooo stupid! (by that, I mean it can be hilarious at times. at other times, you sit there <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shake.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shake"> )

oceanbaby · May 19, 2004

Okay, this one is from My Blue Heaven (Steve Martin) 
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? 
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

mum2tori · May 19, 2004

Okay, there's the only joke that my mom can tell without messing up the punchline. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> 
What's the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? 
Erotic sex you use a feather... 
Kinky sex you use the whole damn chicken. 
(Disclaimer: No chickens were harmed in the telling of this joke. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> )

yoga · May 19, 2004

ewwww... 
I like chicken, but not enough to use it sexually.

wende · May 19, 2004

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by Chaka Falls</div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">ewwww... 
I like chicken, but not enough to use it sexually.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Really? No chicken lovin' for you? Weirdo. :LOL

Raven · May 19, 2004

<a href="http://www.ahajokes.com/crt012.html" target="_blank">From the same site that pilesoflaundry linked to - damn funny!</a> <a href="http://www.ahajokes.com/crt016.html" target="_blank">And one more...</a> <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/biglaugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="laugh">:

Viola · May 19, 2004

Indiegirl, I finally got it 4 posts later. :LOL

Raven · May 19, 2004

Heres another one..... 
Tarzan is swinging thru the jungle when suddenly he loses grip and falls to the floor. On the way down he loses an arm, an eye and his <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banana.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banana"> (you know...) 
As he lay bleeding to death on the jungle floor a troop of monkeys come past. When theys ee what happened to Tarzan they agree that they need to take him to the Witch Doctor of the jungle. 
The Witch Dr tell the monkeys not to worry - he'll have Tarzan all better in just a few weeks. 
The Witch Dr then goes off to the Eagle and tells him Tarzan had had an accident and needs an eye. "Anything for Tarzan" says the eagle and gives him an eye. 
He then goes to the Gorilla and tell him Tarzan lost an arm "No problem - have one of mine" says the gorilla and gives the Dr his arm. 
Next he goes to the elephant. When he explains that Tarzan lost his <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banana.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banana"> he says, "hey, have my trunk - anything for Tarzan" 
The Witch Dr fixed Tarzan up after a few weeks he is right as rain. 
Tarzan decided to go and than the Wich dr a few weeks after he got home. When he saw the Dr he said "thank you so much Dr - I feel so wonderful with my new body!" 
Dr: Hows the eye? 
Tarzan: Its WONDERFUL - I can see over the hills and beyond! 
Dr: And the arm? 
Tarzan: Its so STRONG! I can swing from vine to vine with one arm! 
Dr Thats great! And hows the trunk? 
Tarzan: Oh, Jane loves it but every now 'n then it sticks tufts of grass up my bum....

luckylady · May 19, 2004

This is the funniest website ever. Be prepared to die laughing: <a href="http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html" target="_blank">http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html</a>

I need to laugh (joke thread)

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