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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My life, my marriage, everything has come to a turning point and it is all my choice where to go from here. I just need to get it out so I can gain some perspective and sort it all out.

My Husband is in basic training right now and it looks like because he is sick he will either be recycled (have to wait there until the next cycle starts and re-do Basic for a total of 18 weeks), which I am ok with, or be medically discharged, which I am going to be devastated about. This was our last chance. He is 33, working at a gas station, barely paying the bills, no health or life insurance, borrowing my Brother's car. This will be the 5th humongous failure in 4 years of his. He's been fired 2 from fairly well paying jobs (though only once was his fault admittedly),failed his CNA test the first time, failed out of Nursing school (this was kind of understandable since his UA violation boss kept scheduling mandatory meetings during his class time) and now this. Add to this an emotional affair on his end too. I can not live in poverty for the rest of my life and in this area that we live I could not find a job that would even cover daycare costs for 2 kids. If we have no $$$ moving isn't really an option either. The military was literally our best and only option at this point. I am mourning our dream. Part of me very much wants to send him a letter saying if you don't just get over it and get through the training don't bother coming home. Part of me wants him home because I do love him and miss him. I don't need him, I am perfectly capable of caring for our children on my own other than financially but I could find a way if I had to. Damn-it i wanted more babies though, I wanted a home with a Husband, I wanted to be able to take family vacations and have life insurance, and dental insurance, and a retirement plan, go shopping for a pair of pants when the seat wears out of my jeans and various other things that most people take for granted.

I can either let it go or not but he is never going to change, he is never going to come through for me. The only person who I can expect to change is me.
 

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I was wondering the same thing -- if you love him and he's a good parent and partner but not cut out to be the sole earner in a family, would it be possible to move to a more promising area, and have him be the stay-home parent while you earn the income? It sounds like you have the drive and ability to get and hold a better job than he can. Maybe he could work part-time or from home to contribute to the family, but you won't all be solely dependent on what he can earn.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by TeresaZofia View Post
Could you do better making the money? Could he be the SAHP?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse View Post
I was wondering the same thing -- if you love him and he's a good parent and partner but not cut out to be the sole earner in a family, would it be possible to move to a more promising area, and have him be the stay-home parent while you earn the income? It sounds like you have the drive and ability to get and hold a better job than he can. Maybe he could work part-time or from home to contribute to the family, but you won't all be solely dependent on what he can earn.
The last time we did this despite the fact that I have a college education, I could only ever find $8.00 per hour jobs and he put out a bunch of personal adds on the internet so he could cheat on me because he was "depressed" at not working and being the provider. I also have a little one who is severely allergic to any grass fed animal or by product of (I tried non-dairy creamer which has sodium casienite, a milk derivative, he projectile vomited for 4 hours). He has never taken a bottle or sippy very well either and I don't respond well to pumps. We have no money to move to a better job area and frankly there really isn't a "better" job area because the economy is crap. I have no problems working BTW it just seems like a waste if he can make more and I can't pay the bills busting my butt.
 

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He isn't making more money though. He's washing out. What bothers you most about you working-- the house, kids, your partner's issues? What is his worst issue with you working?

Many jobs start at 8/hr and move up from there.

Ask yourself where you want to be in 5 years, and then 10 years, and take the long term goal to figure out how to respond to today's needs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I do not want to leave my kids for $8 an hour at walmart. It took me 2 years at Micheals to make the $8. It will not pay the bills. I could work for years here and not make over $10 an hour. It still won't pay the bills. He makes more but the jobs still don't have benefits or a future really. He knows that, this is why we are in this situation. I know what I have to do, I don't want to, but I do know.
 

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I don't know what state you live in, but in my state your daycare expenses are covered if you cannot afford it and must work. They even cover it if you're in school. Look into your options-and don't be ashamed to take public assistance. It's only temporary!
 

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What are your work skills? What are your husband's work skills? Why are you sure you can't get a job that makes more than $8/hr with a college education? What other issues were going on when your husband had the emotional affair? What options are you not willing to consider? (e.g., just you moving to find a better-paying job, moving in with family for a better local economy, taking the CNA test again, etc.?) Not judging, just trying to get a better feel for your situation.
 

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Does he have any possible mental issues? I ask becuase mine does the job hopping thing - even got kicked out of the navy in boot camp (but not for anything he was doing wrong, because the recruiter hid his previous childhood counseling and treatment information and they called it erroneous entry)...and well, you can read all about my problems on my thread.

Past that, he needs to think about what he really wants to do with his life and go to school for it. CNA probably didn't work out because his heart wasn't in it. If boot camp isn't working out, then the military won't either. You've been dealing with this so long you really are at a junction. You can go to school, but you have to make the decision to do so and make it happen.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Synthea™ View Post
Does he have any possible mental issues? I ask becuase mine does the job hopping thing - even got kicked out of the navy in boot camp (but not for anything he was doing wrong, because the recruiter hid his previous childhood counseling and treatment information and they called it erroneous entry)...and well, you can read all about my problems on my thread.

Past that, he needs to think about what he really wants to do with his life and go to school for it. CNA probably didn't work out because his heart wasn't in it. If boot camp isn't working out, then the military won't either. You've been dealing with this so long you really are at a junction. You can go to school, but you have to make the decision to do so and make it happen.
This is exactly the thing. Just wanted to put it out there for finding clarity. At this point I'm sure it is a mental issue and he is going to go to counseling or therapy for it or I am divorcing him. I am thinking about school, like massage therapy but am having trouble with the funds aspect. (due to no $ and having used up all my deferments my previous student loan is in default so no financial aid
) Eh, I'll find it if I need to.

I'm just being whiney about it and I know it. I just wanted to vent about it because it sucks. I will do whatever I have to do to keep a roof over our head, the lights on and food on the table.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
No I am deeply disappointed in him and am trying to realize that he is not going to change. So I need to do something because this isn't working. That something probably involves going back to school. I have an associates degree in Fine Arts, so not too many career choices out there for me. I will probably do something like massage therapy, though I dream about becoming a midwife, though it will take longer than I can feasibly do while on my own with 2 littles. I am hoping and praying for him to call and tell me that his test wasn't as bad as he thought, or that he realizes 18 weeks isn't so bad, or that they won't let him go, just wait until he gets better. I do very much love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I need him to work harder for our family's future, and I need to be able to feed and clothe the kids too. This is the FIFTH time in FOUR years that something like this has happened. Every time I have stood by him, filled out application, helped him study, helped him work out. I'm just tired of it is all. I am also mourning the loss of a 3rd baby I don't feel comfortable conceiving because of all this. I wanted at least one more kid, in no way shape or form do I feel we were done but I can't have another with a man who isn't going to help provide for them.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Beckula View Post
No I am deeply disappointed in him and am trying to realize that he is not going to change. So I need to do something because this isn't working. That something probably involves going back to school. I have an associates degree in Fine Arts, so not too many career choices out there for me. I will probably do something like massage therapy, though I dream about becoming a midwife, though it will take longer than I can feasibly do while on my own with 2 littles. I am hoping and praying for him to call and tell me that his test wasn't as bad as he thought, or that he realizes 18 weeks isn't so bad, or that they won't let him go, just wait until he gets better. I do very much love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I need him to work harder for our family's future, and I need to be able to feed and clothe the kids too. This is the FIFTH time in FOUR years that something like this has happened. Every time I have stood by him, filled out application, helped him study, helped him work out. I'm just tired of it is all. I am also mourning the loss of a 3rd baby I don't feel comfortable conceiving because of all this. I wanted at least one more kid, in no way shape or form do I feel we were done but I can't have another with a man who isn't going to help provide for them.
You really do sound like where I was/am. I filled out all DH's work and school applications and really helped paved the way. If he does have a mental illness, your life is only going to get harder because most illnesses progress with age. If he can't finish boot camp, and it were me, I would tell him he's coming home to get therapy and help, or he will have to go elsewhere. I'm all full of advice right now because that's what I'm doing with my DH who's heading home right now...he has to participate actively in his care or he's gone.

Check out http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/index.shtml
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Synthea™ View Post
You really do sound like where I was/am. I filled out all DH's work and school applications and really helped paved the way. If he does have a mental illness, your life is only going to get harder because most illnesses progress with age. If he can't finish boot camp, and it were me, I would tell him he's coming home to get therapy and help, or he will have to go elsewhere. I'm all full of advice right now because that's what I'm doing with my DH who's heading home right now...he has to participate actively in his care or he's gone.

Check out http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/index.shtml
This is exactly the deal I'm giving him. Thank you for understanding and posting that link.
 
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