[LeahLo]

So my DP and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have talked about getting married since we were only seeing one another for a few months...we've always known that it's in our future and that we want to spend our lives together, we were just never in a big hurry because of our confidence that the other wasn't going anywhere! We had a plan, things we both wanted to accomplish before tying the knot...but SURPRISE! Baby happened first.

Now his mother and several other of his family members seem very concerned about when we're going to get married. Instead of talking about the pregnancy and the baby, they only want to discuss our "options" for a wedding before the baby arrives. His mother has suggested several times that we have a "private" ceremony with only immediate family present.

: Um, no thanks. After hearing that idea for about the 5th time, I finally told her how I feel about it...DP and I are going to get married eventually (probably next summer) because we love eachother, not because the people close to us think a piece of paper is going to make us better parents. She literally stared at me, open mouthed, for about 30 seconds and then said..."But...there will be 2 different names on the birth certificate!" .....SO?!

Aside from family members bugging me about it, I feel like there is such a negative stigma attached to unwed mothers in our society. It's been explained to me that some people believe that a couple should make that "big commitment" to eachother...but the way I see it, there is no commitment bigger than a child and our commitment to eachother is now secondary to that. It still exists, obviously, but we've got a lot on our plate right now without having to worry about rushed wedding plans, just for the sake of making OTHERS happy.

I just wish all of the important people in our lives could be happy and excited for us instead of upset that we haven't "done things right".

 

[Contrariety]

Well we were married before having our first and (gasp!) still have two different names on the birth certificate! This one will also have two different names on the birth certificate! Oh the horror!

I'd really just tell them it's not up for discussion, period. I'd leave it at that. A piece of paper certainly isn't going to make you better parents.

 

[Tristan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeahLo the way I see it, there is no commitment bigger than a child

Totally agree. Marriage doesn't always last, not saying yours won't. But children are forever. Stick to your guns. You know what is best for you.

 

[Vancouver Mommy]

When we announced our pregnancy to dp's parents the first thing out of his mother's mouth wasn't congratulations. It was "so, are you going to get married?". I was pretty shocked, seeing as I was 35 at the time and dp was 37.

 

[brinalicious]

When I was pregnant with my first, my now-DH and I were not married. In fact, I was 19 and we had just gotten engaged (much to everyone's surprise). When we announced our pregnancy, almost everyone first asked about our marriage plans. We told them that we were not making any wedding plans until after our baby was born. Honestly, I don't think anyone thought we'd make it that far, but we've now been married for 8 years, and have been together for 10. While it was the first thing on people's minds at the time, nobody ever says anything about it now, and really didn't once we gave them a pretty firm answer the first time. However, I can remember my mom saying to me, in very bad taste, "If anything happens to this pregnancy, just promise me that you'll get married before you get pregnant again!" I was horrified and pretty much told her to take a flying leap. My advice is that people will say what they will no matter what, and you have to take it with a grain of salt. It will be behind you before you know it, and once they see your little baby they'll be too enchanted to be so annoying. Don't let anyone try to make your plans for you...that's why they have their own lives!

 

[JessicaTX]

In texas they use the mother's maiden name on the birth certificate whether you are married or not. I don't know how other states do it, but here it's totally normal to have 2 different names on the birth certificate.

 

[lemontree]

I am married to my husband, but we have different last names.

Sounds like she is old fashioned. Take it with a grain of salt and do what is right for you and your family.

 

[guestmama9916]

Popping in from Dec DDC. I waited to get married until after baby arrived because first and foremost, it was like pulling teeth to get my xh to sign the divorce papers. Secondly because by the time that he did sign, I was too big to wear the wedding dress I had picked out nearly a year before. So we waited and had a beautiful wedding in the dress I had picked out and with DD in arms. We got to pick out the most adorable dress and bonnet for DD to wear to our wedding. It was so lovely and so sweet! The pictures were gorgeous and I am happy with the way it turned out. I wouldn't change a thing!

 

[sunnygir1]

Dp and I were talking about getting married soon when dd1 came along and we actually decided to put it off BECAUSE I was pregnant. We really wanted to make sure we weren't rushing into marriage because of the baby.

We were planning our wedding for August (dd is two now) when we found out I am pregnant again. We moved the wedding up to June because I want to be able to eat and dance at the party, rather than being too hugely pregnant to enjoy it. So, I'm getting married pregnant after all.

I don't really care what people think, but no one has given us trouble about it anyway.

 

[zjande]

I had not one, but three babies out of wedlock.

That's just the way my life happened.

The funny thing is, I AM pretty old fashioned, & I'd probably respond to my DD the same way. lol But I also understand not wanting to get married while "big" with pregnancy, I never wanted to do that either, plus I wanted to drink with my husband.

My 4th baby was my very first that was conceived and born in marriage. And now, I am very blissfully happily married.

I don't really have a point here. I'm just blabbing about myself.

 

[StephM76]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zjande I had not one, but three babies out of wedlock. That's just the way my life happened. The funny thing is, I AM pretty old fashioned, & I'd probably respond to my DD the same way. lol But I also understand not wanting to get married while "big" with pregnancy, I never wanted to do that either, plus I wanted to drink with my husband. My 4th baby was my very first that was conceived and born in marriage. And now, I am very blissfully happily married. I don't really have a point here. I'm just blabbing about myself.

Do we live the same life?!?! I did THE EXACT SAME THING! My 4th was the only "legitimate" child of our relationship.

The point is, the marriage license didn't change a damn thing. The love, respect, and commitment we had for each other didn't change overnight because we were legally married.

I'd tell the family members that are bothering you that you will get married, in your own time. And that the two of you can still be great parents out of wedlock.

 

[Pookietooth]

I kept my name as well. Silly people.

 

[threadbey]

Try not to get too upset about it, I guess is all I would say. For some people in your situation, maybe they'd feel better getting married before the baby is born (I have known those). For others, they don't. Do what's right for you. Some life-long couples never get married! I love being married myself for a whole host of reasons, but I wasn't faced with the get married pg or wait til later question.

I do know someone who was surprise pregnant somewhat young (but not crazy young) and she and her bf were going to get married before the baby came and then postponed it, but mostly because her mother

had never liked the bf very much and didn't want her to be "stuck" with him just because of the baby. They did eventually get married and their son was the ring bearer. I guess by then everyone had calmed down a bit.

It's funny you say unwed mothers are a major stigma in our society. I actually don't feel like that's so true any more, having several in my immediate circle. A little true, of course, but not in a huge way.

 

[Spiralshell]

Oh LeahLo, we're living through the same things right now!
S and I have only been together a short while. We have been friends for years, but finally at the right point we clicked. And boy did we click! On the very first date we were talking about family, and decided to start trying not long after, and I got pregnant lickety split. (Super lucky!)
So now here we are, very happy to have a babe on the way, and the first question out of many mouths: So when are you getting married?
Not Congratulations, not WOW! YAY!, but instead You're getting married right? and Where's the ring?
UGH!
I want to get married, but it's all mixed for me. I had a disastrous and abusive first marriage which ended 3 years ago. So now I'm 33, and the thought of a dress and a party just feels all strange to me. What's important to me now is S and this new person, not placecards or cake. Maybe now that I'm coming out of the first trimester and have some energy back, I could possibly start to think about this, but party planning stresses me out mentally and financially, and I don't want to be stressed! (This would not be a big wedding or a pricey one -- my first was just ~$5000 total and it was lovely, but very stressy!) Maybe we'll get around to it, maybe not. It shouldn't matter!
We are both in this for the long haul, piece of paper from the courthouse or not. And it makes me angry that people think you must be married to have a happy family. I've known too many families where the couple was married, but the children were not very wanted or very loved.
My baby is extraordinarily wanted, and intensely loved, and will be by both of us. And I'm sure it's the same for you!

 

[vegasgrl]

My dad (who is an amazing guy and a great friend, but we don't see eye to eye on lots of stuff) was upset that I was even DTD w/o being married.

"I guess some people do that, but I just really don't think it's right." I'm 32 years old for goodness sake! To each their own. Ultimately he said "I love you, and of course I'll love your baby." Rock on.

I was one who didn't *think* there was still such a stigma...until I wound up oops pregnant. I've been getting the strangest comments. ("Wow it's going to be really hard to have a baby on your own." (as if I don't know this) "You better take him to court and get child support!" (as if it were anyone's business)) But these are my choices and I'm owning them; once I decided that, it became a lot easier to smile politely and move on.

 

[Spiralshell]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vegasgrl ("Wow it's going to be really hard to have a baby on your own." (as if I don't know this) "You better take him to court and get child support!" (as if it were anyone's business)) But these are my choices and I'm owning them; once I decided that, it became a lot easier to smile politely and move on.

In the last few years, I seriously considered embarking on Knocking Myself Up, as in hitting the sperm bank, and doing this solo. After my marriage exploded, and any attempts at dating were a joke, I thought that maybe I'd be best off doing this on my own. Lots of women do it, and I have a good job and loving family.
I mentioned this to my parents, they were OK with it. They know how much I have always wanted to be a mom.
I mentioned it to my Aunt, and you would have thought I had suggested going on a killing spree of children and baby seals. She actually came out and said, in not so many words, that I'd be much better off finding any man to marry me (ANY man, regardless of fit) than to do this alone.

Babies in marriage = OK. Babies without any marriage = WRONG! I was pretty surprised -- there's something about willfully going it alone, either via unplanned pregnancy or sperm donor, that makes some in the last generation squirm!

 

[Leilamus]

do what's best for you and your DP! Ignore the comments.

DP & I have been together 7 years now and have two kids out of wedlock and are PG with #3. We joke that this will be our first baby that "isn't a bastard" (totally kidding here) because we're getting married this summer, but that's b/c of insurance needs and no other options to get insurance. We're planning on having our "real"wedding with friends and family next Fall and have been for over a year now. Do what feels best for you and your family and try not to listen to what others have to say.

 

[jenak]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JessicaTX In texas they use the mother's maiden name on the birth certificate whether you are married or not. I don't know how other states do it, but here it's totally normal to have 2 different names on the birth certificate.

Really?? ::goes to dig it out and look::

Well, I'll be!

Father: Robert Lastname Mother: Jena Maidenname

And no where on there does it say "maiden name" or any indication that we were married at the time. I never noticed that before!

So, no recorded "stigma" of out-of-wedlock births in Texas. Well gee, I'm kinda proud of my state now. I wonder how many states do it like this?

 

[Krystal323]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JessicaTX In texas they use the mother's maiden name on the birth certificate whether you are married or not. I don't know how other states do it, but here it's totally normal to have 2 different names on the birth certificate.

HI JESSICA! My IRL best friend is stalkin me on MDC

Yep--my own (texas) birth cert. has my mom's maiden name on it. I remember my mother being agonizingly embarrassed by that

I think unwed mothers are still a stigma here in the South....sadly enough. I have a friend who was assaulted as a teen and has a beautiful baby because of it. When she was pregnant it really upset her how many people asked her whether she was married or getting married soon--even complete strangers!

:

i have a two month old baby in my arms in our wedding pictures

we got married on a whim more than anything else. it's really just a piece of paper to us--the commitment's there regardless.

don't let the relatives get you down--you know what you're doing!

 

[Ms. Cellaneous]

LeahLo, I'm sorry you're not getting the excitement you should be getting from your family. I guess in times like these you find out how *really* old-fashioned people can be! If it makes you feel any better, I am excited for you and I don't care a bit when/if you get married!

:

I totally agree with you, the child is a much bigger committment than marriage. (And I'm a big fan of marriage, I just think having a child is so much more momentous.)

I'm sure (well, I hope) that once your baby arrives everyone will be so thrilled with the new grandchild that they won't worry about marriage anymore. I would just say, stick to your guns and do things on your time schedule. I think it's so lovely at weddings when the couple getting married have a baby or a child together. At my sister's wedding she and her husband both kissed their baby during the ceremony (baby was in my mother's arms in the front row). Wasn't a dry eye in the house!

My only bit of (unsolicited) advice, if you do plan a wedding, give yourself enough time after the baby is born. My sister did it when her baby was three months old, and I think that was a bit too hectic.