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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DS and I go to a playgroup every week. We like it there but one of the children constantly picks on DS. Not just innocent little things but serious things like hitting DS over the head with toys, pushing him down, kicking him, and throwing things. DS was in tears today because this child would not leave him alone. The child is younger than DS by almost 2 years, DS will be five soon and is a very sensitive, caring boy.<br><br>
When things happen I take DS aside and talk with him about how to handle the situation- walk away, do not play with this child, etc. When I ask him if he wants to leave he says no. Unfortunately, when DS walks away the child follows him to continue picking on him. This is really the only place we go so DS can play with other children.<br><br>
Half the time nothing is done about the child's behavior and I am forced to step in and the other times the consequenses do not match the actions. This child does things maliciously, with a smile and a laugh and meant to hurt DS and the child does understand they are doing. If it continues we will no longer go to the playgroup (which I really don't want to have to do).<br><br>
How do I go about talking with the child's mother? The mother's GD is not working and DS continues to be physically hurt and tormented. We are friends and I do not want this to come between us.<br><br>
Thanks you mamas<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I think you should work more with your son and getting him to stand up for himself. If you see him being hit or pushed tell him to say "STOP" at that moment without taking him aside. You can also tell the child "STOP, don't push/hit/kick my son!" This will probably encourage his mother to intervene, if not it will let your son know that he doesn't have to let someone walk all over him and you will stand up for him when he can't stand up for himself.<br><br>
If you do have another playgroup that you can get him in with children closer to his age and developmental level that may be a better choice for him. Three is when children are just starting to want to play with other children cooperatively but they are still very territorial. If there is not another playgroup you can attend try to help him work through this even though it isn't the best situation. If he is willing to put up with this and doesn't want to leave that seems to indicate that he wants a friend to play with really badly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>One_Girl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10737562"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think you should work more with your son and getting him to stand up for himself. If you see him being hit or pushed tell him to say "STOP" at that moment without taking him aside. You can also tell the child "STOP, don't push/hit/kick my son!" This will probably encourage his mother to intervene, if not it will let your son know that he doesn't have to let someone walk all over him and you will stand up for him when he can't stand up for himself.<br><br>
If you do have another playgroup that you can get him in with children closer to his age and developmental level that may be a better choice for him. Three is when children are just starting to want to play with other children cooperatively but they are still very territorial. If there is not another playgroup you can attend try to help him work through this even though it isn't the best situation. If he is willing to put up with this and doesn't want to leave that seems to indicate that he wants a friend to play with really badly.</div>
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Thank you so much for responding<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
DS tells the child to stop all of the time. He will even leave the room, but then the child follows him to continue the behavior. Also, I step in all of the time to tell the child to stop, it's not nice, DS does not hit you, etc. Redirection only works for about 5 minutes, then it's back to the behavior.<br><br>
It's to the point where the mother really needs to step in, this is not my child and I can only do so much.<br><br>
DS does need children to play with. We live in a neighborhood that is not optimal for this, no young children, and it's not the best location. I think I will look into something else. The age is a factor and maybe it is personality too. DS did act out in this manner but not towards another child.<br><br>
DH and I have been talking about this for a couple days now and I think I have come up with a plan. When the child starts up with the behavior DS will tell them to stop as always. If they do not stop I will tell them we will have to leave because of the behavior. Then, we will leave if it happens again.<br><br>
Maybe if the child sees that we will actually leave, they will start to realize it is not nice to act that way and maybe the mother will also realize that she needs to step in and do something.<br><br>
I just really do not want this to come between my friend and me and want to make sure I am being as tactful as possible. It's so hard to find other mamas with children who believe in the same things you do, kwim?
 

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(eta: oops! looks like we were posting at the same time, and it sounds like you are doing everything right. i like your plan.)<br><br>
i agree with the advice to teach your son to say, "stop! don't hit me." practice at home to get him comfortable with using a firm, assertive tone of voice, and model what you want him to do by also telling the little "friend" these things yourself.<br><br>
as far as the other child's behavior, is he also being told what <i>to</i> do, when being told what <i>not</i> to do? as in, "don't hit! let's hold hands." or "don't push! give hugs." i know that helps a lot with my 2.5-year-old, but only when someone gets in his face and looks him in the eye. if he's excited and playing rough, it's not possible to parent him from a distance . . . even a distance of a couple feet <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> hmm, maybe you can do some "modeling" for the other mama as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I think we will keep practicing anyway, can't hurt.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Jojo F.</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10738603"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Maybe if the child sees that we will actually leave, they will start to realize it is not nice to act that way and maybe the mother will also realize that she needs to step in and do something.<br><br>
I just really do not want this to come between my friend and me and want to make sure I am being as tactful as possible. It's so hard to find other mamas with children who believe in the same things you do, kwim?</div>
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I don't think the child will be able to stop as a result of you leaving. If he could, he probably would have as a result of all your other actions. Is there something going on with him? Does he have developmental delays?<br><br>
I think you owe it to your son to have a talk with the mother. Maybe you could start out telling her something positive about her son, how he's creative or cute or something, and then say, "I really need your help protecting ds from your child. He's hurting him, and ds doesn't feel safe at playgroup. I was hoping we could come up with a plan to keep it from happening again."
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>natensarah</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10738918"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think the child will be able to stop as a result of you leaving. If he could, he probably would have as a result of all your other actions. Is there something going on with him? Does he have developmental delays?<br><br>
I think you owe it to your son to have a talk with the mother. Maybe you could start out telling her something positive about her son, how he's creative or cute or something, and then say, "I really need your help protecting ds from your child. He's hurting him, and ds doesn't feel safe at playgroup. I was hoping we could come up with a plan to keep it from happening again."</div>
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I'm not entirely sure about the developmental delays, I do know there are food intolerences but those are being closely attended to.<br><br>
Thanks for the input, it sounds nice and tactful<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 
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