Mothering Forum banner
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
In 1999 my uncle and his wife adopted my two children during my disasterous divorce. At the time my babies were 1 and 3. The agreement was that I would be able to see them and talk to them whenever I wanted but that's not how it turned out. My uncle felt it would be better for the children if I weren't involved in their lives to establish a secure and stable family environment for the kids. Even though I have had no contact with my children the older child has consistantly asked for me and the older she gets the more she wants to see me. She breaks into tears for no apparent reason, her grades are falling, she's gained a lot of weight due to poor eating habits and seems to be getting steadily worse as time goes by. She told my aunt that she wanted to talk to me and my aunt asked her if she had talked to my uncle and his wife about it and her response was "They don't listen". I've talked with my uncle about this behavior and he still doesn't want me to see her. The younger child has had no problems. He's very well adjusted and has expressed no interest in seeing me. I've longed to see my children for all of these years. Should I try to talk to my uncle about being a part of my daughter's life or should I continue to agree to his terms and remain a shadow watching over them? It's heartwrenching to know that she and I desperately want to be together and can't. I know it must also be heartwrenching to my uncle and his wife having raised her for all of these years and being faced with the fear of losing her.

On another note. I recently got remarried and my husband would like to try to have a child together. My uncle thinks this is a good idea but my mother says it will hurt my children because they will think I didn't want them but wanted the other child. I so miss being a mother. I really need some outside advise.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,755 Posts
wow Illyana, what heartbreak you must be going through. It seems to me that while it may be painful and confusing for your daughter to see you and have her questions answered, it sounds like whatever story she has come up with to fill in the blanks for the answers she isn't getting from her adoptive parents is worse than the reality, and doing damage already. Can you talk to your uncle and his wife about how it will benefit her to have a relationship with you? And what if she does want to come live with you, what then? She obviously remembers you and while they have the best intentions of trying to protect her, that strategy doesn't seem to be working very well. Are they open to reading about adoptive children and their needs? I would proceed carefully, so as not to scare them, but they have to put your daughter's needs first, and she obviously needs to have contact with you.

I would think that maybe your kids would understand that you weren't ready to be a parent when they were little, but that you are now with your new husband. I think you should seriously consider what you would do if she asked to live with you, as that seems like a likely desire she may have -- or maybe not, depending on her relationship with her adoptive parents. What a hard place for her to be in too!! Maybe you can work out a regular visiting arrangement?

good luck
 

· Registered
Joined
·
4,559 Posts
I believe your dd's needs come ahead of those of your aunt and uncle- it sounds like you are prepared to be a stable source in her life, and children need all the love they can get. I have no clue what I would actually do, but I would push until you are able to give your child what she needs (or what you can).

I agree with the pp about further children, you may someday have to tell your children you never wanted to replace them, just to add to your family, but I think its totally understandable.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,621 Posts
If you do get a chance to speak with your Uncle, please reassure him that you will not give their DD any false hope that she can ever live with you. That may be their biggest fear. I cannot imagine keeping my DC's first parents from them, but I know there are fears that loom large when you're an adoptive parent. Did they adopt them legally, or was it an informal agreement? If it's not leagally binding, then your first step should be making it legal to take away that fear. If it's already a legal adoption, then it's up them to allow you to talk with their DD so you can let her know that you will never be her live in parent.
My older brother was 2.5 yrs old when our parents divorced and he never forgot our father. There was no contact with him but M continued to pine for him and as he got older, he blamed mom for "chasing" him away from us
: Part of that was her fault; she never had a good word to say about him. Anyway, when my brother was 12, he started running away from home searching for his father. He finally located him when he was in his late 20s and showed up on the guy's doorstep, met his new wife and their two teenage sons... they invited him to come visit at Xmas time and when he got there,they had moved and left no forwarding address
That was mom's fault too


Anyway, my brother is now 49 and a half and still blaming everyone else for all the woes in his miserable life... I do believe he remembered really good things about our father and that was just so opposite of what mom told us that it really messed up his sense of reality. I, on the other hand, had no memories (I was 12 months when they divorced) and only knew that the man never tried to see me... I had no burning desire to find him and didn't take it persoannly when mom cut him down.

I wonder if this is the sort of dynamic taking place in your Uncle's home... If it is, he has a tough road ahead of him if he hardlines this and makes it all about him rather than about his DD.

ETA: and please please go ahead and have more children if your heart wants them!! Your mother is a nut job!!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
The adoption is legal. I, along with the rest of the family have tried to talk to my uncle about my daughter's need to speak to me if for nothing else just to answer some of the questions she has that cause her so much confusion and grief. I've already made it clear to my family that I would never say anything to hurt the relationship they have with her. If anything, I support it. They have been very good to my babies and I love them so much for it. If my daughter wants to come visit with me during summer breaks from school I'd absolutely adore it and would accept any financial burden as a result of transporting and caring for her while she is with me. (I live in another state) Should she want to live with me I'll remind her of her baby brother who loves her dearly and always has and my uncle and his wife and all of her friends and family back home. At the point that she is allowed to see me she will also be allowed to speak to me via phone calls which I believe will also help. That way she knows I'm only a phone call away and won't be totally disappearing ever again. I've had years to think about all of this and honestly it's all I think about. Maybe that's unhealthy but it's also unavoidable. I've never stopped loving them and longing for them. I feel like I haven't been whole again since the adoption. That's one of the reasons I want to have another child. It hurts waking up after all this time and remembering my daughter standing in the doorway waiting for my eyes to open and then running and jumping into my bed and us playing together. It hurts remembering the two of us walking to her baby brother's room and seeing him pop his little head up and grin from ear to ear and bounce up and down in his crib so excited to see me as if I were the greatest person on Earth. It also hurts to know how much I've missed and have to find out everything by e-mails from my mother. Thanks for your advice!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
889 Posts
If I were you I would make an appointment with a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in adoption. I would speak to that person about how to handle this. Whatever you do, don't go behind your uncle's back to speak with her yet. It will only "prove" to your uncle that you aren't good for the child.

Also, I do think having another child will hurt your daughter a bit. Sounds like she is already having major issues with her adoption. I think that is totally normal. I'm not saying don't have a child yet, but I am suggesting you speak to a good licensed therapist about how to handle the questions and emotions that are going to come about with these circumstances. My friend's son is now in his mid 30's and he still resents his dad for allowing his mother's husband to adopt them and giving up his parental rights. He feels abandoned, hurt and angry. I hope your daughter gets her issues resolved soon and isn't an angry 30-something. Hugs to you and to her!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
4,559 Posts
BTW- could you start with a letter writing relationship with your dd? It might be a good first step, and slow enough for your uncle to deal with, I would even consider suggesting this and allowing them to also read the letters you sent. Just a thought
 

· Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
My uncle and I had a sit down talk about me communicating with my daughter at Thanksgiving. He told me that he didn't want me to see her or talk to her because he feels she's not old enough to understand what happened between me and her father and the reasons behind her adoption. He suggested I wait until she is 12 or older. My therapist said that if she is asking the questions she's old enough to hear the answers. My aunt (uncle's sister) adopted 2 children years ago. They're both grown now. She tries to talk to my uncle about my daughter's desire to see and speak with me but it only leads to an arguement because he doesn't want her to see me. He feels that they can work through her issues without me. I haven't made any attempts to contact her behind his back and wouldn't do so. He has raised her for the last 8 years. He knows her better than I do so I respect his decisions. I only hope they're based on my daughter's best interest and not out of fear of what would happen to their relationship with her should she be reunited with me. My uncle doesn't want me in the picture at all because he feels that any contact or mention of me will only make the problem worse. That puts a halt to any letter writing, phone calls, e-mails or any other form of communication. I do send them presents at Christmas and their birthdays but normally have to leave them with my mother for them to pick up at her house. From what I've been told, it isn't so much my uncle who has the problem as it is his wife. She never had any children of her own and is really scared of me being in their lives.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,621 Posts
Wow; unfortunately, it sounds like any parenting mistakes your Uncle wants to make are going to have to be made. As a parent, I know I've made poor choices and my kids will survive them, so I think your best option is to accept that your Uncle is doing the best he can and to totally respect his wishes in this. When his DD is an adult and does contact you, she will probably have a lot of resentment toward her dad, but again, that is not under your control.
Huge hugs! This cannot be easy, but it doesn't sound like they have gone back on any promises to you and they do have the ethical right to keep the kids from you. Plus, if you back off completely, your Uncle is more likely to allow contact sooner...
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top