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You say (several times) that you think the root of the problem is that he doesn't want to continue living in the US but you haven't mentioned where he would like to live and if you think that it would be a good option.

You said the reason that he isn't in Norway right now for a family emergency is because you live the US. Why doesn't he get on an airplane and go? My DH is British and we live in the US. We (and sometime he alone) made trips back when his dad was dying of cancer. It was very expensive and at the time we didn't have the money (we used a credit card), but we felt it was important. Sometimes airlines will give discounts for family emergencies. (I know British Air does for funerals.)

You don't mention how long it has been since he had a trip back home.
 

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Its very common when a person is depressed and unhappy for them to feel resentment and anger towards the person they love the most. It isn't rational and they know, at least part of the time, that it isn't rational, but they can't stop having those feelings.

I think he either needs to seek treatment for depression, or make plans with you to move back to Norway. I don't think he can really help the way he feels and I don't think marriage counseling will help much because its not you, its this dysfunctional American culture he's been thrown into.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie
I think he either needs to seek treatment for depression, or make plans with you to move back to Norway. I don't think he can really help the way he feels and I don't think marriage counseling will help much because its not you, its this dysfunctional American culture he's been thrown into.
ITA with this. Sounds like you are not very happy with the situation either (lack of culture, etc.). My relationship with my husband has been frought with this exact kind of BS. First he was unhappy because we didn't have money, then he was unhappy because he didn't own his own business, now he's unhappy because the business isn't making enough money and he has to work all the time. How much of this is my fault? None of it. Who is the recipient of all his ire? Yours truly.

Is there some major stumbling block to moving back to Europe? Is there a kind of Solomon's choice here? Will moving to Europe really make the difference for him?

Best of luck.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie
I think he either needs to seek treatment for depression, or make plans with you to move back to Norway.
Or both....

 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Lara vanÆsir
Moving in itself won't make the difference. I fear if DB becomes unhappy/depressed for any other reason in the future he will once more take his frustration out on me.
Was he like this before you moved to rural Indiana? If not, I don't think you are being fair to him. If he truly deeply hates where you guys live now, he isn't going to get happy by you telling him that you aren't budging until he is happy. He is blaming you for dragging him someplace neither of you like, and you don't want to make any changes because he is being icky.

We lived in Montreal for awhile and it nearly ended my marriage because I hated it there so much. I cried every single day I was there, so I can understand where you DH might be coming from. My DH took a demotion at work so we could get back to the states and it saved our marriage. If he had dug in his heels and refused to make any changes because I was miserable to be with, then we would have ended up splitting, and our kids would have parents that lived in different countries.

Is he able to vocalize that he hates it there and, if so, are you able to hear him and empathize without negating his point of view? Because you started your post by talking about how perfect it is, it makes me wonder if he is to say "this place is the pits" without you telling him how wrong he is.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by lisac77
ITA with this. Sounds like you are not very happy with the situation either (lack of culture, etc.). My relationship with my husband has been frought with this exact kind of BS. First he was unhappy because we didn't have money, then he was unhappy because he didn't own his own business, now he's unhappy because the business isn't making enough money and he has to work all the time. How much of this is my fault? None of it. Who is the recipient of all his ire? Yours truly.
Are we married to the same man?

My husband gets like that too.
 

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Quote:
I fear if DB becomes unhappy/depressed for any other reason in the future he will once more take his frustration out on me. Like you said, first your SO was unhappy about "a" then he became unhappy about "b', and then about "c". One discontentment came after the other, and you have born the ire of every discontentment.
Before we set anything in motion, our relationship must be stable, and DB must no longer be taking his frustrations out on me.
I tend to agree with Linda on this one. Even though I totally understand where you are coming from. Your db's behavior is unfair to you. You want him to be the kind of guy that can handle stress and unhappiness in ways other than taking it out on his life partner. Otherwise you will always feel vulnerable, because let's face it life always has stress and unhappiness.

BUT, sometimes, especially where depression may be concerned, I think the person needs to get to a place where they are mentally healthy enough to handle making the changes needed to grow up a bit. When he is in the middle of a depression and hating his life, he may just not have it in him to be able to deal with what you are telling him. Assuming you also are okay with moving, you could move, remove the major source of the depression, and then when he is in a better mental state bring it up again: your behavior back then was unnacceptable buster so what are we going to do to ensure it won't happen again???

I lived for years with a dh with undiagnosed ADD and depression due to a bad work situation. We eventually got him out of that work situation and into a school situation that is wonderful (as well as got him diagnosed) and now he is so much more willing to work on his issues. He's even seeing a psychologist for the ADD which I didn't think would EVER happen, he was adamantly against it. And if he starts acting grouchy I call him on it immediately (I couldn't do before, it would've just started a big fight.) I put up with a lot of sh*t back in the bad old days and sometimes I wonder if I should have, but honestly I think if I had given him an ultimatum back then we would've split because he probably wasn't in a mental state where he could deal with his problems. Now he can, and is. I share your fear in small part that if we ever get back into a bad situation he might revert, but really I have seen so much change in him that it's probably not likely.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Lara vanÆsir
I didn't drag him here. It was even his suggestion to see if it would be possible to come here. I'm also not negating his point of view at all, I sympathise with it, and I agree with most of it. What I am negating is his newfound brusque and distant manner, and how he has made me the recipient of his frustrations. I am also not adverse to making changes; I'm advserse (perhaps not anymore
) to making changes while his current "state" has not been adressed. It goes beyond acting "icky". He is unwel. If it is something psyiological or seriously psycological, it doesn't do either of us any good to just cover it up.
You did not mention whether this was the first time your DB acted like this. The reason I think this is important is because the two of you have been living together for 7 years but only in Indiana for what, 1 year? If this is the first time he has been like this, then his attitude seems totally situational. If this is the case, take him out of Indiana and the problem goes away, no?

I am actually in your DB's place right now. I moved to a conservative area from the liberal west coast and the lifestyle change has been a shock to my system. I have been depressed since we got here, to the point where I was planning on leaving DH and going back to the west coast. The only reason I did not is because my DD would miss him so much and I did not think it was fair to her. Also, since my move is temporary (only 2 years to go!!!) I have a light at the end of the tunnel. There are times that I am snarky at DH even though I try hard to repress those feelings. -I don't have anyone to talk to so my only "outlets" are DH and DD and I am certainly not going to lay this on her. My only other option is to go for a walk and be really mad, really really mad. The worst part about it is that I chose to come here. DH asked if it was Ok and I knew that it was very important to him career-wise so I said yes. He didn't force me or even coerce me. And yet I am still miserable.

I am sure that your DB feels terrible about the way he is acting (I know I do) but when one is depressed it is hard to control irritibility. I have actually been thinking about your post all day and trying to think of something helpful to say other then
because I know it is a tough situation to be in.

So here is what I have come up with: Think about an exit from Indiana strategy. If he has a concrete idea that he will be leaving then it can help with the hopelessness. -This is under the assumption that he is not a generally depressed person. If he is, get help while you have family around.

You did not mention if you were near a big city but maybe you could find some nice, liberal oasis for him to disappear to once in a while. My wonderful DH found a yoga studio that is like a little west coast hideaway in the middle of this desert.

He is obviously upset about his neice, what if you help him create a video card to send to her in the intensive care. And I hope she is OK.

Also, you are obviously incredibly angry with him. Have you told him this rather then just throwing it back at him that he needs help and he chose to move to Indiana? My DH yelled at me and then he felt better. I also tried to do a better job of managing my depression because I realized how bad he felt about the situation.

And as for the job situation, remind him that being a kept-man is now in fashion and go down to part time. Only if you really want him to though.

Sorry, I am long-winded tonight. Back to painting. One more
first.
 
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