[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Last night, after an arguement with SO, I sat alone in my closet crying, trying to get a grip... I talked to myself outloud, and worked through some things... I came to the realization that I never grew up.

I had a horrid childhood. An abusive (in many ways) mother, and alcoholic father. We luckily lived with my grandmother who did her best to raise me. She somehow thought my parents would want to parent someday, and well I was a spoiled brat. No rules, no discipline, and just a terrible child.

I never felt safe, I never felt secure, I never felt life was 'real'.

I was diagnosed as bipoler as a teenager, and have kinda used that to fall back on, kinda using it as an excuse to never really grow up.

I got married at 18, had a baby at 19, and was seperated/divorcing by 20. I had a second baby at 22 and placed her for adoption, I couldn't imagine how I was gonna raise two, when I could barely raise the one I already had.

I'm currently in a serious relationship, living with my partner and helping to raise his son.

I still haven't grown up

I count on people to do everything for me, right down to asking them to make me lists of what my 'chores' are, and how I can be a better person.

I want badly to feel safe and secure. I want badly to be 'raised', to actually grow up... But I'm scared I never will. It oddly feels comforting, not being repsonsible for myself or my actions, although I KNOW I am, I don't FEEL it...

I feel so much like a little girl.

Whenever I'm around anyone, I feel so small and young. THey can be 10 years younger than me, but I still feel so young compared to them. So scared, so embarressed of myself, so lonely...

Anyone else?

 

[frannyfresh]

I am right there with you. Your upbringing sounds very similar to mine. Now I am a Mom. Very wierd. I wish I could be taken seriously professionally so I could make some $ and a stand.
I really don't know how to tell you to heal yourself but I am sure that is what you need to do.
I hope you find peace w/ yourself. Take care. IM if want to talk further.

 

[lilyka]

I think getting married young and having children young causes us to miss somehting. this makes sense in my head but might not come out right. It is like I grew up so fast, getting married and having children and such. BUt I found my identity in being a young wife. a young mother. I was doing adult things and doing them pretty well but we still thought of myself as a child to an extent (although I wouldn't have dreamed of admitting it then.) then one day I woke up and was 30, in a failing marriage and my friends were all adults and we had spent the last 11 years getting by but not really growing.

It was like for everyone marriage and having children were rights of passage into adulthood. for me (and likely for you) it was not so much since I was still so young . but by the time I was older there were no rights of passage left. It was like there was a bridge or a door way that I was supposed to go through but I took a different path amd missed it.

 

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

For me, getting married was a way to get out of my house, and away from my family.

My grandmother died when I was 15, and my parents moved out a month later, they left me with an aunt and uncle, and while they provided for me, they never let me forget how burdensome that was, and how they were DONE raising children (their only child was mid-20s at that point).

I got out as quick as I could, but somehow felt I needed a REASON, so I got married. Odd, huh? Like I didn't feel like I could just move out... Then of course I got pregnant, and that's who I was, her mom. ya know?

It seems to weird to think of myself this way, but kinda interesting too. I always wondered why I felt so young compared to everyone (not that I'm ancient. I'm still only 23) But even compared to my SO's 14 year old sister...

Like somehow, I'm still like 10... (oddly, I don't feel younger than my step-son though, who is 9)

 

[jmreinke]

Your feelings are quite normal for someone who was abused as a child. Many times our emotional development stops at the age of when the abuse happened, or something of the abuse stalls out emotional development. I'm sorry you had such a horrible childhood. BTDT.

 

[kathteach]

I struggle with these feelings too, and that's part of the reason I waited to have kids. Now I'm 33, pregnant, and scared to death. I feel like if I have a daughter I will not know how to teach her how to be a strong woman. I am really scared and afraid to be a mom. I think it is great you have realized these things at such a young age. I would like to hear about your healing journey. I think it can help me too.

 

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Thank you, everyone, for the replies. I'm still struggling with this, and trying to find a way to cope. I usually just get in a bad mood, and take it out on everyone, then expect them to just be forgiving and loving as soon as I feel better. (childlike, I know)...

I feel, I dunno, hopeless... Like I'll never be better, I'll never be safe, I'll never be grown up...

 

[Ruthla]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilyka It was like for everyone marriage and having children were rights of passage into adulthood. for me (and likely for you) it was not so much since I was still so young . but by the time I was older there were no rights of passage left. It was like there was a bridge or a door way that I was supposed to go through but I took a different path amd missed it.

I kind of feel the same way. I didn't have an abusive childhood- I'm just fucked up for no apparent reason. Most days I just want somebody to take care of me, and realistically it's not going to happen.

 

[BabyBumblebee]

I don't know if I never grew up. I think that there are big parts of my identity (sexual and emotional) that are trapped at around 10 years old. But at the same time, I know that people have always perceived me as *very* mature and poised - I think it must be a very convincing facade. I often find myself wondering why people don't see through it, and see the fraud that I think I am. I have made a habit of coming across as fierce, independent and strong, yet I desperately crave a sanctuary, and someone to protect and nurture me...I'm just waaay too scared to let anyone inside to do that

:

 

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyBumblebee I don't know if I never grew up. I think that there are big parts of my identity (sexual and emotional) that are trapped at around 10 years old. But at the same time, I know that people have always perceived me as *very* mature and poised - I think it must be a very convincing facade. I often find myself wondering why people don't see through it, and see the fraud that I think I am. I have made a habit of coming across as fierce, independent and strong, yet I desperately crave a sanctuary, and someone to protect and nurture me...I'm just waaay too scared to let anyone inside to do that :

Same here. Everyone's always seen me as mature, and strong, andkinda the whole 'you survived through so much, you're so brave and strong'... It's all a lie.

I'm not strong, I simply survived because it's all I knew how to do. Only when people get *really* close to me, do they see me for who I really am... A lost little girl, a very scared person.

It hurts. It's like the person everyone knows and seems to like, is fake... I don't want anyone to find out, but at the same time, I wanna be loved for who I really am... It's just never gonna happen, I don't think (or feel). Everytime it comes out what I'm really like, it causes problems, and things get bad...

Hell, I don't even like who I am, how can I expect anyone else to?

 

[Jilian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom Same here. Everyone's always seen me as mature, and strong, andkinda the whole 'you survived through so much, you're so brave and strong'... It's all a lie. I'm not strong, I simply survived because it's all I knew how to do. Only when people get *really* close to me, do they see me for who I really am... A lost little girl, a very scared person. It hurts. It's like the person everyone knows and seems to like, is fake... I don't want anyone to find out, but at the same time, I wanna be loved for who I really am... It's just never gonna happen, I don't think (or feel). Everytime it comes out what I'm really like, it causes problems, and things get bad... Hell, I don't even like who I am, how can I expect anyone else to?

 

[A&A]

Sometimes when I remember how old I actually am, it scares me.

Are you still getting help for your bipolar disorder?

 

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by A&A Sometimes when I remember how old I actually am, it scares me. Are you still getting help for your bipolar disorder?

No, I'm not, but not really by choice.

When I moved here a year ago, I had meds that I was taking, but we could not afford to keep getting them. I applied for medicaid here, and was given it for my DD, but I was terminated within a few weeks for not 'cooperating with child support services'... Which, I never heard from, was never told to visit etc. My re-evaluation is up now, and I'm doing everything in my power to get the medicaid for myself. I feel like I need medication, and need therapy... I just cannot afford it without the insurance...

I've been on meds on and off for years prior though, and hadn't really found one that worked too well for me. It would either help the depression and worsen the anxiety, or help the anxiety and worsen the depression. It's hell trying out meds, but it's something I personally feel I need.

Right now, I kinda just want the option of getting to a dr, and seeing a counselor.. I feel so out of it.. Pretty worthless sometimes... I can get to a counselor, if I choose not to buy groceries for my family... But my family are hurting pretty badly because I['m not getting help either... It's hurting so bad to know that...

 

[edamommy]

I do feel that way often. I think it has to do w/ having to try and "grow up" in a dysfunctional family. We were not taught HOW to grow up and we were not able to "follow by example"... at least not in any positive way. Dysfunctional families are so sick. So weighed down in the muck and mire of abuse (substance and otherwise) that "growing up" and teaching their own children doesn't happen. It's fight or flight not love and learn. So, how the hell were we suppose to figure out how to grow up on our own????
Just last week my mother was critisizing my parenting style and she acutally said "... I would think that, with all the mistakes I MADE, you would have learned to do things better...." how retarded of a statement was that? I wanted to ask her who she thought would teach me how to parent if I never was parented properly??? I hate that "unsafe" feeling. I know it well. It's hard to verbalize. And, at the same time, I find myself choosing life-paths that lead to more "unsafe" outcomes... simply because that's all I know how to do! I hate it. I'm sorry there are more of us out there floundering to grow up as adults! I'm currently trying to find out how to start my life again at 34. It's an emotional rollercoaster trying to do that and to take POSITIVE steps forward but I hope to give my ds a stable grounded and loving family that I didn't have. Are you doing anything to help yourself move out of the past and into a life you deserve?

 

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by edamommy Are you doing anything to help yourself move out of the past and into a life you deserve?

I'm trying! Right after my DD was born, I decided it was time to cut my mother out of my life. It's been almost 5 years, and I've been much happier honestly.

I've always believed my other to be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder, but she always 'swore' everyone else had the problems, not her, she was perfectly normal... She refused seeing doctors, or getting any kind of medication. When I was in grade school the school counselor recommended my family send me to outside therapy, and family therapy, my mother started telling all these awful lies about me and everyone in the family. I ran out of the room crying (I must've been maybe 7 or 8), and I didn't wanna have anything to do with family therapy with her ever again.

My teens years I spent in and out of therapy, and on and off medications...

I'm working hard on getting Medicaid right now (there were some issues with me not recieving papers I should have, and it's postponed me getting it), and as soon as I do, I will be getting to a doctor for medication, and finding a therapist.

I don't want to be like my mother. I admit I have problems, and I WANT to work on them. I want my children to know that it's okay to have issues, but adults take care of them, and don't ignore them...

It's taken a long time to KNOW that...

 

[BabyBumblebee]

mama

 

[meowee]

hi bmomstepm,

I felt this way when I was your age and still do somehwat (I'm 32). What happened was that I went through something extremely traumatic five years ago that just "aged" me. I became a very somber, old person after that point. But I still feel terrified of the real world and am soooo dependent on my husband in that regard. I am afraid of so many things, still, it's like being a scared little kid.

 

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meowee hi bmomstepm, I felt this way when I was your age and still do somehwat (I'm 32). What happened was that I went through something extremely traumatic five years ago that just "aged" me. I became a very somber, old person after that point. But I still feel terrified of the real world and am soooo dependent on my husband in that regard. I am afraid of so many things, still, it's like being a scared little kid.

Thank you, it's good to know there's hope.

The odd thing is, I just feel like everything in my life has been traumatic... Like there was never an instance of normal to sit and be happy about. Even now, when things get too calm and 'normal', I act up, and can't deal with it... Chaos is what I need, and I hate that...

I don't want to sit here and list every horrible event that happened in my life, that sounds silly, but I still feel like I'm recovering from every one of them, ya know? Just don't know how to let any of it go...

 

[EDog]

I am right there with you Moms. As a man, I feel the same way often and it is troubling. I was also abused as a child, mentally, sexually and physically, so I always felt like a "kid". It's hard and sad. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I am working on getting stronger, one day at a time. Life is like that I suppose, all I can say is not to worry so much as to not enjoy the wonderful things that are in your life. I am 34 and I wasted a lot of years...

Eric

 

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

It's funny that this got replied to today...

I just came to my computer, after sitting on the floor of my living room for a while, just crying over the fact that I'm just not ready for the life that I have, and how unhappy and unsure I am in it. I'm not ready for kids, not ready to be working a crappy job for crappy pay, not ready to worry SOOOO much about rent, electric, and food... Not ready to work HARD and not actually SEE a single penny, since it all goes to feeding my family.

I love my family, i appreciate them and would never give them up, but sometimes, it just hurts so bad that I never got to be a young person, never got to really enjoy life.

We're having ALOT of MAJOR money issues right now, and I'm just feeling like a royal screw up... I don't wanna be a grown up and don't want to deal with any of this... But I know I have to..

How do I keep myself from just laying in bed all day crying? I don't know how...