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I am going to a womens healing group every week and this past Wednesday one of the things we did was make an absolute no list. We were told to make a list of things we no longer are ok with or want to work towards not having in our lives anymore.<br><br>
So I started writing and then more and more things came and my list was actually pretty amazing to me.<br><br>
One of the first things that came out for me was the statement "I no longer feel like I owe my body to anyone"<br><br>
And I was reading it out loud afterwords and I realized that I actually believe it. Which was amazingly huge for me.<br><br>
I realized that I don't feel that I owe my body to anyone, not to touch, not to do sexual things with, not to demand from me anything I won't give willingly.<br><br>
I realized that I am not resenting my babies anymore either (I've gone through periods of feeling "trapped" by pregnancy or nursing before <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">). I don't owe my body to my kids either. I willingly choose to nurse my 3 year old and my 15 month old. I don't even "owe" my body to this baby inside of me. I am amazingly grateful and thrilled to be able to gestate this child, but I am not trapped, I do not owe it to him. I choose to offer myself for him.<br><br>
I don't know if this even makes sense but it was a huge thing for me. The ability to choose to share my body with other people... my children, my husband, my family and friends. But not feel like I "have to". Not to feel like if I don't then I'm a bad person.<br><br>
What an amazing amount of work I've done to get to here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> To go from feeling like I shouldn't feel violated by the teenage boy who assaulted me when I was 11 because maybe I led him on somehow... or feeling like when my Mom would do physical harm to me that I probably deserved it because she was angry and I had "made her" angry so it was my job to make that better for her even if that meant her hitting me or throwing something at me... and of course along with that feeling like the "lesser" things like I owed it to anyone who wanted to hug me to allow them to do so, even if I felt uncomfortable.<br><br>
To this. It is freeing for me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br>
so glad for you.<br>
thank you for putting into words how i feel but couldn't describe. now that i know what exactly i'm feeling, maybe i can heal it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JacquelineR</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15384174"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">thank you for putting into words how i feel but couldn't describe. now that i know what exactly i'm feeling, maybe i can heal it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"> Thank you so much for sharing this, & I'm so happy that you've gained this insight! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I'm so happy for you! That's a really special place to arrive at. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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So powerful to have that confidence and realization. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> Wonderful to hear that this is where you're at.
 

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Triscuitsmom, I totally understand what you mean.<br><br>
For example, the time has come that I've started dating and ex had me thinking no man would ever want me, and I haven't climaxed in like 2 years.<br><br>
But I remembered this book I used to read to kids with csa issues called "I am the boss of my body" and I decide who I let touch me, who I make love to, what I put in it, food, drink, etc.<br><br>
Last night a problem that I had been worried about got fixed. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> I am so relieved it's not a physical problem I was chalking up to "the change" or "PTSD." Just been thinking all day long how glad I am that my ex has not taken away my ability to reach a climax anymore.<br><br>
I'm going thru a lot with injuries my ex caused and things I'm not able to do now that I could before his abuse took those self-care things away from me.<br><br>
Anyhow, you are the boss of your body lady!!! Take charge and take care of yourself.
 

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Very powerful and beautiful <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 
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