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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I avoided the issue of what type of care I'm getting (up/uc) for as long as possible. My sister ( who will be there to help w/ the kids) asked me about a m/w when I was around...6m or so. I told her I wasnt having one, and she said "cool". Apparently, she had seen Psalm and Zoya's video on discovery or something (I still havent seen it.). I told her that we were totally keeping it under wraps and not to say anything. No biggie.<br><br>
A few weeks later I was visiting with my Mom and she flat out asked me, so I told her the truth. I figured she'd be pretty understanding, as she had 5 homebirths. I told her in no uncertain terms that we were NOT telling my aunt (whom I'm actually closer to than my mom, but she is *very* medically based).<br><br>
Fast forward a few more weeks: My mom told my aunt. My aunt had asked me a couple of times, and I just kind of dodged the question/changed the subject etc. Well, apparently she asked my mom about it, and my mom just flat out told her. It was weird b/c I had a dream that my mom told her, and then I went to my moms house that morning, and she told me that she had told my aunt.<br><br>
My mom and I dontd have the greatest relationship as it is, but I've really tried the last few years. However, after my first birth with HORRIBLE midwives (at home) that ended in a hospital tranfer, I told my mom I was upset about it blah blah...ALL SHE COULD SAY was "I thought they did a good job." WTF?! I just told her how I was so let down and disappointed, and how I felt violated...and thats ALL she could say?! And she also is expecting DH to basically be the "midwife" for this birth. She says she supports my choice...but she doesnt really.<br><br>
ANYWAY, I'm completely furious that she betrayed my trust and told my aunt, especially about something so big. Its been 2 weeks or so, and I havent talked to either my aunt or my mom. My mom for obvious reasons, and my aunt b/c I jsut dont feel like dealing with the stress or criticism.<br><br>
In addition to the emotionalness of PG anyway, we are SMACK in the middle of a custody battle for my stepsons. Their mother is doing absolutely ATROCIOUS things to them, all manner of abuse. So I certainly dont need this crap from my mom, on top of what I'm already dealing with emotionally (how can a mother be so vile and horrible to her children? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">)<br><br>
Ok, I'm totally rambling, and if you've made it this far, thank you. I'm wondering if I should go ahead and confront my mom, and talk to my aunt? The holidays are coming up, though I am not planning on attending either of the family gatherings this year.<br><br>
*sigh* I jsut dont even want to be thinking about this at this stage of the game.<br><br>
Lisser
 

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I just read through your post and my question is, if you talk to them or confront them, what will it change? What exactly will it accomplish? Will you feel better? You are going to just have to realize that you do not go to them for support. It's just not going to happen. I know exactly how you feel. My mom is a drug addict and my grandmother thinks it's crazy that I even have 2 kids, much less that I want more. It was sooooooo hard to realize that I just needed to STOP trying to get something from them that I was NEVER going to! I have looked elsewhere for support and so should you. If it comes up with them, tell them you love them, but it's not up for discussion. If they insist or go on and on, direct them to speak w/your husband or not at all! You DO NOT NEED THIS!!!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> I'm so sorry you had a bad experience with your first birth. That would be disappointing and frustrating. Good for you going UP/UC. Show that confidence and trust in yourself to your mom and aunt!!!!<br><br>
Sorry about your stepsons too! I also know how that goes too (getting my sisters away from my mom and they are now back with her<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: ). It's so hard. All you can do is fight for them so they know they are cared about and loved and then do what's best for you kids, especially b/c of parent like that!<br><br>
I don't know if any of this is going to help, but I just want you to know that you are awesome and a grown woman and a wonderful mother and that is what you should focus on and if those around you don't, then you don't need them around you no matter who they are. Period!<br><br>
January
 

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no great advice but to go with your heart and do what will be best for you right now. Sorry you had to go through this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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i find talking and 'confronting' tends to clear the air and make things better for me. it may not change them, but it often changes things for me. and that's all that matters in most cases. LOL i know that sounds crazy, but if it puts me in a better mindset, then it's successful.<br><br>
i think a simple: mom, i'm really upset that you told aunt, after i told you not to tell aunt. this was a betrayal of my trust, and it makes it even more difficult for me to trust you.<br><br>
for aunt, i would probably just leave it go. let her approach you. she knows, and no communication can take that back.
 

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Ohhhh... I went through something very similar when I was planning my first UC. I had told my MIL but asked her to keep it to herself as there are doctors in the family and I didn't want them knocking down my door to save me. She told my FIL which was fine, but then <i>he</i> told his brother (one of the doctors.) Then FIL gets back to my husband and says, "well Dr. Brother says most births end up okay but 10% need assistance, blah blah blah". I was <i>livid</i>. I felt betrayed. I called up my MIL, very upset, explaining my concerns (calls to CPS, etc.) and reminding her that I had asked her to keep this quiet, and she became very defensive and said, "Oh, our family isn't like that," like <i>I</i> was the one out of line for implying that someone might try to interfere. Ugh.<br><br>
Now my MIL is a lovely person, really I've never had any issues with her at all, she respects our parenting decisions, she's always positive, she loves the kids and treats them just excellent. So it was even more of a blow because it was so unexpected. My story has a happy ending though. I was ready to just cut everyone off (at least for the pregnancy) but she brought me an orchid as a peace offering and told me a little bit of her own (heartbreaking) experience that illuminated for me why she had acted the way she had so that I was able to feel compassion for her rather than anger. She backed off then, and I never heard a word from the rest of the family, I imagine they discussed it among themselves and just decided that for various reasons the best course of action was to just stay out of it. And later, after she gained a better understanding of why I need to do this, she gave me a very heart-felt apology.<br><br>
I tell you all this to maybe open up for you the idea that this is your mom's/aunt's issue, not yours. You may never have any idea why they act/believe the way they do, but you can be assured that there is something in them that makes it understandable (if not desirable from your point of view.) Maybe that can help you to let go of it, move beyond it. Meanwhile, I'd just keep on doing as you're doing. My feeling is, your mom presumably knows what she did; let her own the burden of resolving it.
 

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With our first child, dh was so excited with our plans to UC. He mentioned to his parents that we were having a homebirth (notice he didn't even mention UC), and they called every extended relative (many of whom dh didn't even know) and had them all calling us and verbally attacking us. This caused a huge fight between the ILs and us. We were very close to cutting off all contact with them (although, we have come to that point with them several times since, too).
 

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Well, there are 5 people that know I am UP/UCing. My sister, 2 of her friends that I am kinda friends with, and 2 of my friends - one that homebirthed 8 kids with a midwife. Oh, and a few on-line friends but I don't count them as much LOL.<br><br>
My sister is the only one that really knows any details. My mom keeps tryign to pay for things like helping with the upcoming 'hospital' bill that insurance doesn't cover. I hope to not see a hospital but I'm afraid DH is going to panic as he is not completely on the UC bandwagon and will not talk to me about it.<br><br>
It can be very difficult to deal with others especially in our state when we tend to be overly emotional. I am considering writing my mom a very long letter and explaining, apologizing and hoping she will understand. I just have not gotten up the nerve to present it to her yet as she is very medically inclined (even though she loves to take herbs for stuff rather than meds). I know she will be all over me. We have issues with other things and have our ups and downs of getting along. I think my dad would think it was neat that I am trying to do this and be very supportive because he became very anti-medical before he died. Maybe I can talk (write) to my mom closer to when baby will be here. I think she is wanting to come take care of the kids 'while I'm in the hospital' as she thinks the burden would be too much for our 14yo. My sister kinda wants to come up too. Maybe I can talk to my sister about all this.<br><br>
Anyway, you are not the only one in a situation of this sort. You can always come here for support.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for your support ladies. I am an emotional basket case right now. I'm 34+ weeks, and I've questioned this whole pg whether or not I'm having twins. I just cant shake that gut feeling (and multiple *haha* twin dreams i've had). I'm also HUUUGE. I've prepared, just in case, for twins.<br><br>
But, if I do have twins...I will have 3 childen under 19months, and 5 all together (assuming we get custody of my DSS's soon). And that is really overwhelming to think about.
 
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