So it was an honest mistake? If so, I don't know how your DH could be too upset. I would be honest with him and present all the facts.
I screwed up...how would you approach this?
Okay, this is gonna be long, I'm going to try to summarize as much as I can. Bear with me.
I am an accountant and I make decent money. Before we TTC, I sat down with the finances and determined that we could live on DH's income just fine. He makes enough for all the bills and a little extra. I was going to work very part time (like one shift a week) for a little extra money for me and anything extra like vacations. I absolutely promised him a certain amount for his allowance, and honestly it's part of why he agreed to start TTC when we did--he wanted to wait a bit longer until we had another debt paid off, but I convinced him it would be fine. I basically talked him into TTC when we did, so I feel like this whole mess is my fault.
Well. First, I am due in August. Now we have decided to homeschool our 10 year old as well, and I'm petrified I'm going to go insane if I try to fit working outside the home into this. And DH would rather I not work at all, though he's okay if I decide I really want to. Second, a few of our expenses have gone up. Not a ton, but enough that after bills, we will have not a lot left. That scares me--it isn't enough to cover much if anything goes wrong. Third, I will not have an allowance at all, and his allowance is going to be around 3 times what will be left for *all* unexpected expenses at the end of the month. Fourth, he is putting that same amount (3 times what we will have left) into his retirement account each month. He is not willing to reduce that amount because he wants to be rich when we retire.
The last two make him sound like a selfish jerk, which isn't the case. He is incredibly generous, excited about the baby, and excited to have me home. But I *PROMISED* him that his allowance and the retirement wouldn't have to be reduced. I promised. They are important to him, and I wanted to make sure we could both have what was important to us. And I feel like I've failed him by asking him to reduce either one of those. I actually haven't yet told him how bad the financial picture looks, because I'm afraid (not of him). I have to admit that I failed, that I screwed up, and that he's going to have less money to play with and it's all my fault. And that if we waited like he wanted, we'd be fine. I'm afraid he isn't going to trust me anymore, that he's going to think I lied when I said we'd be able to handle it, and that I always intended to do this to him.
What in the world am I going to say??? How do I even tell him that I screwed up this bad???
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I am an accountant and I make decent money. Before we TTC, I sat down with the finances and determined that we could live on DH's income just fine. He makes enough for all the bills and a little extra. I was going to work very part time (like one shift a week) for a little extra money for me and anything extra like vacations. I absolutely promised him a certain amount for his allowance, and honestly it's part of why he agreed to start TTC when we did--he wanted to wait a bit longer until we had another debt paid off, but I convinced him it would be fine. I basically talked him into TTC when we did, so I feel like this whole mess is my fault.
Well. First, I am due in August. Now we have decided to homeschool our 10 year old as well, and I'm petrified I'm going to go insane if I try to fit working outside the home into this. And DH would rather I not work at all, though he's okay if I decide I really want to. Second, a few of our expenses have gone up. Not a ton, but enough that after bills, we will have not a lot left. That scares me--it isn't enough to cover much if anything goes wrong. Third, I will not have an allowance at all, and his allowance is going to be around 3 times what will be left for *all* unexpected expenses at the end of the month. Fourth, he is putting that same amount (3 times what we will have left) into his retirement account each month. He is not willing to reduce that amount because he wants to be rich when we retire.
The last two make him sound like a selfish jerk, which isn't the case. He is incredibly generous, excited about the baby, and excited to have me home. But I *PROMISED* him that his allowance and the retirement wouldn't have to be reduced. I promised. They are important to him, and I wanted to make sure we could both have what was important to us. And I feel like I've failed him by asking him to reduce either one of those. I actually haven't yet told him how bad the financial picture looks, because I'm afraid (not of him). I have to admit that I failed, that I screwed up, and that he's going to have less money to play with and it's all my fault. And that if we waited like he wanted, we'd be fine. I'm afraid he isn't going to trust me anymore, that he's going to think I lied when I said we'd be able to handle it, and that I always intended to do this to him.
What in the world am I going to say??? How do I even tell him that I screwed up this bad???
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rebecca - dh and I just went through this, but it was a little more difficult. Our credit card bill was WAY higher than I thought and the interest rate increased incredibly.
So, I sat down, worked out all the money issues and just dropped it on his lap. He was devastated because he thought we had *no* credit card debt. I didn't ever tell him we didn't have any, just lied by omission. I should have told him. but, I've always handled the finances and didn't think it was that bad until I really sat down and figured it all out.
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Dh was really upset with me. And, he had every right to be. He felt betrayed and couldn't believe that I didn't tell him about the debt. Over the next few weeks, out of the blue dh would say, so what DID you put on that credit card and NOT pay off immediately. I hated it. I hated saying that I screwed up so bad and put our family in a tough situation. I hated telling him that he had 17.00/mo as spending money.
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And, I hated trying to remember all the things we'd purchased over the months and put on that card.
But you know what? Those first few weeks really sucked. I hated not knowing how he felt of me, of the unstable ground I stood on. But, it's better now. We are happy again, even though we do eat every single meal at home.
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We actually had some stock that was doing poorly that we decided to liquidate to pay off a good portion of the bill, so now things are more manageable but it's definitely tight and will stay that way until after I get back to work from maternity leave.
Do you have assets that you can liquidate? Talking stocks that are down? There's a tax benefit and it's helping reduce debt too. Also, I concentrated on meal-planning, which has cut our grocery bill by $25/week.
HTH!
So, I sat down, worked out all the money issues and just dropped it on his lap. He was devastated because he thought we had *no* credit card debt. I didn't ever tell him we didn't have any, just lied by omission. I should have told him. but, I've always handled the finances and didn't think it was that bad until I really sat down and figured it all out.
Dh was really upset with me. And, he had every right to be. He felt betrayed and couldn't believe that I didn't tell him about the debt. Over the next few weeks, out of the blue dh would say, so what DID you put on that credit card and NOT pay off immediately. I hated it. I hated saying that I screwed up so bad and put our family in a tough situation. I hated telling him that he had 17.00/mo as spending money.
But you know what? Those first few weeks really sucked. I hated not knowing how he felt of me, of the unstable ground I stood on. But, it's better now. We are happy again, even though we do eat every single meal at home.
We actually had some stock that was doing poorly that we decided to liquidate to pay off a good portion of the bill, so now things are more manageable but it's definitely tight and will stay that way until after I get back to work from maternity leave.
Do you have assets that you can liquidate? Talking stocks that are down? There's a tax benefit and it's helping reduce debt too. Also, I concentrated on meal-planning, which has cut our grocery bill by $25/week.
HTH!
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Thanks all. yes, I can tell DH, and he'll be okay. Not happy with me, but he won't leave me over it. It's more the feeling that I failed, and I know he's going to feel like I lied to him or didn't run the numbers carefully enough, or something. I promised it would be okay, and I'm getting what I want as a result--a baby earlier than planned. In turn, he's getting screwed. I'm also getting upset because I don't agree with his huge retirement contributions, and it's the only thing he's adamantly "his money" about. It would be stupid financially for me to continue working--day care would eat so much of my salary that it isn't worth it. So that isn't even a real option, although I can work very part time. So the whole thing is rough for me, and I don't feel like I have much say in the whole thing. But I was the one who came up with all this*before* we TTC, so I already had my say! I need a valium...I swear
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Actually, I didn't think of it, but I do have some retirement that I could liquidate. I don't think I'll do it (I doubt he'll want me to, with how idiotic he is about retiring rich), but at least when I present all our options to him I can show him that I'm willing to sacrifice too.
Actually, I didn't think of it, but I do have some retirement that I could liquidate. I don't think I'll do it (I doubt he'll want me to, with how idiotic he is about retiring rich), but at least when I present all our options to him I can show him that I'm willing to sacrifice too.
I wouldn't even offer the retirement up as a possibility for liquidation, by the time you would liquidate, you'd end up with about 60% of it AND it could knock you into a higher tax bracket affecting your taxes next year.
GL and don't stress too much!
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I hate money issues
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GL and don't stress too much!
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, I'm confused too. You are right...we agreed that I would work one day a week, and that's what my original numbers were based on. Now that we are talking about me staying home and not working at all, it's cutting about $400 a month off the original budget (I was just going to wait tables or something). $400-$500 is a nice cushion, $150 is not!
I'm just pregnant and hormonal and not all that rational right now. And I'm totally freaked about not bringing in any income--I have this tiny irrational fear that my awesome DH is going to turn into a dictator when it's all "his" money. Which is ridiculous--and if he did, I can go back to work! So I'm turning this into a huge deal in my mind, and you all are probably right that he'll be okay. Not happy, because he isn't going to like any of the three main options (cut allowance, cut retirement, go back to me working one day a week) but he'll deal. And I'm almost positive he'll cut the retirement--he'll gripe, but he'll do it. And then (thank goodness) he won't gripe again. He doesn't stay mad or irritated long.
I actually think I'm going to have to suck this one up for a while. We had a couple of massive arguments about money last month, started by me talking about "what if you (DH) decide you don't want me to have an allowance anymore? You have all the control and I am not going to have any and I'm really worried". By the time I got to "I'm worried" he had already heard me telling him I thought he was going to turn into a complete controlling jerk, and he was hurt and mad. It wasn't until the third time we started to get into a fight that I was able to tell him that I don't really think he'll do that, I'm just scared because it's all so weird to me. So honestly, I think this is part of why I'm freaking out now...I don't want to have *any* money discussions for a while. Steph, I hate money issues too...that's part of the whole deal. You are right about the cut--I didn't realize it was that much, but it probably is. Plus, if I don't ever go back to work it's enough that I can have a nice if somewhat frugal retirement. So I shouldn't touch it.
I'm not due until late August, and I have two months paid mat leave saved up. So we won't actually lose my income until October. I think it's probably better if I just try really hard to let it go a little while longer...for all I know he'll get a massive raise and it will be a moot point.
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Originally Posted by Katie Bugs Mama I'm confused. Your dh doesn't want you to WOTH any more than you want to, yet you think that he will try to hold you to an agreement that you made that was predicated on your WOTH? From your description of him, he sounds like a decent, considerate guy. I really think that you should just talk to him about your concerns. I'm willing to bet that he would be willing to give a little on his allowance and retirement funds temporarily. Good luck. |
I'm just pregnant and hormonal and not all that rational right now. And I'm totally freaked about not bringing in any income--I have this tiny irrational fear that my awesome DH is going to turn into a dictator when it's all "his" money. Which is ridiculous--and if he did, I can go back to work! So I'm turning this into a huge deal in my mind, and you all are probably right that he'll be okay. Not happy, because he isn't going to like any of the three main options (cut allowance, cut retirement, go back to me working one day a week) but he'll deal. And I'm almost positive he'll cut the retirement--he'll gripe, but he'll do it. And then (thank goodness) he won't gripe again. He doesn't stay mad or irritated long.
I actually think I'm going to have to suck this one up for a while. We had a couple of massive arguments about money last month, started by me talking about "what if you (DH) decide you don't want me to have an allowance anymore? You have all the control and I am not going to have any and I'm really worried". By the time I got to "I'm worried" he had already heard me telling him I thought he was going to turn into a complete controlling jerk, and he was hurt and mad. It wasn't until the third time we started to get into a fight that I was able to tell him that I don't really think he'll do that, I'm just scared because it's all so weird to me. So honestly, I think this is part of why I'm freaking out now...I don't want to have *any* money discussions for a while. Steph, I hate money issues too...that's part of the whole deal. You are right about the cut--I didn't realize it was that much, but it probably is. Plus, if I don't ever go back to work it's enough that I can have a nice if somewhat frugal retirement. So I shouldn't touch it.
I'm not due until late August, and I have two months paid mat leave saved up. So we won't actually lose my income until October. I think it's probably better if I just try really hard to let it go a little while longer...for all I know he'll get a massive raise and it will be a moot point.
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Well, best laid plans and all that...I really wasn't going to bring it up, but DH called me and we ended up having a *really* nice talk. He said number one, I need to quit listening to my mom (who is the one who brought up the whole thing and he's absolutely right there) and number two, we'll cross that bridge when we get there but he doesn't have a problem reducing his retirement for a few years, if it means I can stay home and have enough money not to be totally stressed. Or I can work one day a week if I decide I want to, and we'll just work it around his schedule so he can be home with the kids. He also has the option of overtime if anything happens (like the month DD broke her glasses, we had an unexpected dental bill, and his car blew a gasket). Which I had forgotten about--he can pretty much have as much as he wants at any given time, and he's never done OT so we aren't used to living on it or anything.
Sigh...it's official...I'm a hormonal pregnant dork right now. It's good I had this place to angst about it first though...I was able to kind of get my thoughts in order so when I talked to him I was a bit more rational. It also hasn't helped that I've seen him a total of about 10 hours in the past two weeks...so I've been stewing on this. We're going to Boston next week, so I get to reconnect with him, and hopefully that will help my mental state a bit!
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Sigh...it's official...I'm a hormonal pregnant dork right now. It's good I had this place to angst about it first though...I was able to kind of get my thoughts in order so when I talked to him I was a bit more rational. It also hasn't helped that I've seen him a total of about 10 hours in the past two weeks...so I've been stewing on this. We're going to Boston next week, so I get to reconnect with him, and hopefully that will help my mental state a bit!
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