even if you think it seems corny, i think a 12-step group would be great for you. if you ever have been or currently are being affected by a relationship with someone who has a drug or alcohol problem (dignosed or not, just off of feels that way to you), you could check out alanon (not the same as AA, alanon is for the ones affected by alcoholics/addicts, whether or not they themselves have substance issues; some people attend both AA and alanon, they are called "double winners"). a lot of alanon'ers, who have gone through life with the weight of the world on their shoulders, find themselves with rage as adults, so you could share and seek solutions in that environment. but in addition to what it offers in weekly therapeutic value, is the network of support. one of the important ways of using the program is calling either your sponsor (once/if you have one) or a fellow alanon'er who can talk you through your problem before you do something you might regret. there are soooo many abusive parents who have found help through alanon. i've met several.<br><br>
if alanon does not apply to you, you can find a very similar type of support system in pretty much any 12-step group. people with addictions (as well as those who have suffered at the hands of an addict) have been known to act in ways that are hugely at odds with who they want to be, including getting into rages, hitting their loved ones, etc... hmmmm, there might even be a 12-step program specifically targeted to anger management? but the AA & alanon meetings are really abundant so no matter where you live it should be easy to find one at a convenient time and place.<br><br>
think of it as free therapy if you are rolling your eyes at my suggestion. then go with an open mind and try it for at least 6 sessions before you form an opinion. you might be pleasantly surprised. and remember that you can ignore the god stuff, really and truly. i'm not sure if you're a secular humanist, but i'll assume that's at least likely. if so, really and truly ignore the god stuff. there are TONS of people, even ones who work the steps, for whom this program has been a tremendous help, who silently (or even not so silently, depending on whether you're in a particularly religious area or not) just ignore the god stuff.<br><br>
i would be shocked if you didn't think it was nearly as good as therapy if you go every week and connect with other folks at the meeting, share when you have the chance, and stay in touch between meetings. and it's absolutely free. and free coffee/tea usually, too. <img alt="wink1.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/wink1.gif"><br><br>
you will meet the nicest people who will admit behind closed doors to things that seem too awful for them to be capable of ever having done. and this will help you forgive yourself, too, as you realize you can still feel warmth for these individuals despite what they've done and where they've been. there's a lot of not-judging you will do, not only of other people, but yourself. and i bet forgiving yourself (and maybe, perhaps, those who have hurt you - not sure if this is an option, not saying it's necessary, but sometimes it happens and some people are glad when it does) will help the healing you need to do to overcome your impulses to angrily lash out.<br><br>
one last thought... many parents who are a lot like you (angry behavior toward kids, but still very loving & emotionally connected to kids and wanting desperately to change) actually eventually "mellow" with age. obviously you want this issue gone yesterday, but at least know that you are still maturing and growing into an adult. seriously, late twenties, you are still a kid. believe it or not, you will become much more of an adult in the next 5ish years. i know of two examples offhand of women who, abused as children, had serious anger issues that were the worst through their twenties, and really toned down, almost like magic, in early to mid thirties. the one without therapy (or any 12-step program or any other help) mellowed completely by 45 (when her kid was 25),and the other one, who sought both therapy for a year and also regularly attends alanon, had it almost entirely under control by 31. everyone's different, obviously, and i can't evaluate whether the difference in when they got hold of themselves was due to those things (therapy/12-step program), but i think both examples are at least somewhat encouraging b/c you have to start by believing you will not be this way forever. it's just a matter of how soon you will change. and you want to try for sooner rather than later. which is framing it differently than whether or not you will ever change, which doesn't instill a lot of hope. and you should definitely try to approach this with hope!<br><br>
sorry if i've gotten a bit long winded. be deliberate, and serious, with yourself. set yourself to an exceptionally high standard, because you want that for your kids' momma. but that doesn't mean be hard on yourself, mean to yourself, or lose hope. it's not always an easy distinction to make, but try to find it. i think it'll be hard to act from your highest self when you're beating yourself up, as opposed to setting a high standard and rising to meet it with a degree of (hopefully ever increasing) confidence. not only *can* you do this, you have to do it.<br><br>
and if you are having trouble believing that, a 12-step program will put you in touch with people who will help you hold yourself accountable, day in and day out.<br><br>
ok, enough outta me! i hope something i've shared will help!!!
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