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now I'm left at home eating a crappy dinner <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br>
Some of you know our backstory (dp's mom believe we have to bend over backwards to do everything she wants which includes spending every single holiday/birthday/etc exactly how she wants to). I started standing up for myself last year around Thanksgiving.<br><br>
So Mothers Day comes and I knew it would be hard on dp. He offered to go out to dinner with his mom yesterday, she refused. He offered lunch today, she refused. He offered to have them bring dinner over here (she was set on eating dinner at a certain restaurant), she refused. I told dp I am not playing this tug-o-war game over him because it's HIM who is going to get hurt. I told him to go have dinner with his mom and dad but ds and I weren't going. I have no desire to bring my autistic sensory overloaded child into a restaurant that he doesn't want to be at on one of the busiest restaurant days of the year. Does not sound like a fun dinner to me (not to mention she picked a restaurant that she knows I don't care for and didn't even discuss it with me first, as if she's the only freaking mother around).<br><br>
I decided I was not going to let this affect my day. I planned on going to a store that sells good seafood and getting some scallops and shrimp and grilling it. But dp ended up deciding he was going to his parents house earlier than they had planned because he was hungry and wanted to get to the restaurant sooner. I understand this (because we ate a late breakfast so skipped lunch so he would be hungry for dinner with his parents). So I went to a store that was right by our house but their seafood sucks so I ended up getting frozen seafood.<br><br>
Long story short, my meal ended up sucking totally. Since the seafood was frozen I had to try and thaw it and then ended up overcooking the shrimp, the pasta stuck together so didn't cook and it just sucked. So here I am, sitting at the dining room table alone (ds isn't hungry), picking at my overcooked shrimp and undercooked pasta. Yum <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
I'm not mad at dp. I am furious with his mom for being so freaking stubborn. And if that wasn't enough, she is PISSED OFF that dp didn't spend all day with him. While we were out at the garden center getting some plants dp's dad texted dp and told him his mom was wigging out because he wasn't spending all day with her.<br><br>
I am so freaking tired of this woman. And she told me she wants to take me out to lunch this week (because I have 2 days off work). HA. Not a fat chance of that happening or I'll lose it on her and say everything I've been holding in. I will just continue to stand my ground and not bow down to her.
 

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Sorry you didn't have a very nice Mother's Day. Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work. I do feel like your DP stand up to her a bit too. It seems reasonable for him to set some boundaries.
 

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Oh, I had a nice Mothers Day up until dinner! LOL! DP took ds when he woke and let me sleep in (11 hours of sleep... can you believe that??). Then he took ds out to get breakfast and a newspaper. We played around the house a little and then the 3 of us went to a couple garden centers to get some plants for my garden. When we got home we planted them then ds played in his sandbox while dp and I did yardwork. It was a great day spending time with my family <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> Dinner just sucked and was not at all what I expected. Now I'm in a pissy mood and alone with my ds who has decided NOW would be a great time to start acting up <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll">
 

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I'm sorry, that just sucks. It's time she realized that she's not the only mother in your partner's life and she's going to have to adjust. She won't do that as long as he caves in to her. Typically (unless it's a particularly nasty brand of mil, like mine) it only takes once for a mil to get the message that a grown man will spend the day with his wife/partner.
 

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Hugs! That is depressing. Particularly undercooked pasta. I really don't know anyone who expects her <i>grown</i> child to spend all day with her on Mother's Day. Particularly if he has a wife and child! Yikes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Smokering</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15388063"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Hugs! That is depressing. Particularly undercooked pasta. I really don't know anyone who expects her <i>grown</i> child to spend all day with her on Mother's Day. Particularly if he has a <b>wife and child</b>! Yikes.</div>
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Sadly, I think part of her behavior has to do with this. DP and I aren't married (yet, we are engaged) and ds is not dp's biological child. I'm pretty sure there is a part of future MIL who believes that SHE is dp's family and that we are not because dp and I aren't married and he is not ds's bio-dad. Like I'm just some kind of fling or something <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> It doesn't matter that we've lived together for almost 3 years. Noooo. I'm sure she thinks there's no reason for dp to spend Mothers Day with me because I'm not the mother of HIS child. I'm just waiting for the day she slips and says this out loud, then I'll go ape sh*t on her ass (and have dp and dp's dad's support).
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>StephandOwen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15387957"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Oh, I had a nice Mothers Day up until dinner! LOL! DP took ds when he woke and let me sleep in (11 hours of sleep... can you believe that??). Then he took ds out to get breakfast and a newspaper. We played around the house a little and then the 3 of us went to a couple garden centers to get some plants for my garden. When we got home we planted them then ds played in his sandbox while dp and I did yardwork. It was a great day spending time with my family <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> Dinner just sucked and was not at all what I expected. Now I'm in a pissy mood and alone with my ds who has decided NOW would be a great time to start acting up <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"></div>
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Call him and tell him to bring you some ice cream. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Eat">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>KatWrangler</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15388116"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Call him and tell him to bring you some ice cream. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Eat"></div>
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Agreed, lol. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Eat">
 

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Sounds like you had a good day up until now, and I am sorry your dinner is not so good <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I am proud of you for standing our ground though, because that must be really hard to do!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>StephandOwen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15388109"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Sadly, I think part of her behavior has to do with this. DP and I aren't married (yet, we are engaged) and ds is not dp's biological child. I'm pretty sure there is a part of future MIL who believes that SHE is dp's family and that we are not because dp and I aren't married and he is not ds's bio-dad. Like I'm just some kind of fling or something <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> It doesn't matter that we've lived together for almost 3 years. Noooo. I'm sure she thinks there's no reason for dp to spend Mothers Day with me because I'm not the mother of HIS child. I'm just waiting for the day she slips and says this out loud, then I'll go ape sh*t on her ass (and have dp and dp's dad's support).</div>
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And she's going to continue thinking that as long as your dp puts her before you on Mother's Day.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Irishmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15388269"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">And she's going to continue thinking that as long as your dp puts her before you on Mother's Day.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"><br><br>
I know you said you're not mad at him, just her.. but he needs to grow a pair!<br><br>
sorry you're having a lousy dinner. but I'm glad you had a nice day at least!
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Irishmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15388269"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">And she's going to continue thinking that as long as your dp puts her before you on Mother's Day.</div>
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I agree, and I've had this talk with dp many times. DP is doing way better than he was 3 years ago with this issue. If you ask me my opinion, I'm pretty sure dp's mom has some mental issues going on (undiagnosed). DP is worried about his mom's mental health as well but neither he nor his dad are doing anything about it. It's not my place to call her doctor (I don't even know who her doctor is). DP is (rightly) worried that if he tells her everything he would like to then she may do something bad.<br><br>
When dp got back from dinner I had to go out to his parents car and get ds's carseat out (it's usually in dp's car but dp's dad picked ds up friday and brought him home so it was in his car). DP's mom was in the car and tried to act all friendly. I just answered her questions and left.<br><br>
Then I took ds and dp to McDonalds so ds could have some dinner <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> YAY for mother of the year!<br><br>
I did talk to dp about it and basically told him I'm done playing this game. I will not let every holiday be ruined because his mom isn't satisfied with anything. DP tried hard to make it a special day for me and his mom but his mom was just pissed because he didn't spend every freaking waking moment with him. I don't need this stress and I certainly am not going to sit back and watch dp being abused by this woman. So I told dp that from now on for every holiday I'm just taking ds and leaving. We'll go somewhere else for the day/weekend and avoid the whole thing. He's welcome to join us but I will not keep him from spending time with his parents either.
 

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When DH and I first got married, we thought this would end the problem (which had persisted for the last 5 yrs). My MIL expected us to not only share holidays with them, but also to make the rounds with his mom's extended fam, step-dad's extended fam, and bio dad's extended fam. So we were expected to run around and see everyone, and somehow fit my family's one celebration into their schedule.<br><br>
Part of the problem was they were perfectly content to just have DH (or noe DH & the kids). One Thanksgiving, we were laving his GM's house early to go to my fam's and it was suggested that he saty & I go and his parents would drop him off at our house. MY DH politely explained to them that I was his family now and we would be coming & going together.<br><br>
We still do this unless one of us or the kids is sick.
 

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join the crappy MIL club-- we should have a tribe!<br><br>
What kind of mom would so consistently put her needs over her sons? I promise my son (7 mos) that I will never be like that for him.<br><br>
I'm still a little jelouse of your 11 hours of sleep though.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>StephandOwen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15388489"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I agree, and I've had this talk with dp many times. DP is doing way better than he was 3 years ago with this issue. If you ask me my opinion, <b>I'm pretty sure dp's mom has some mental issues going on (undiagnosed). DP is worried about his mom's mental health as well but neither he nor his dad are doing anything about it. It's not my place to call her doctor (I don't even know who her doctor is). DP is (rightly) worried that if he tells her everything he would like to then she may do something bad.</b></div>
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I know what you mean about it being more than just bad behavior and having a legit mental component.<br><br>
A dear friend of mine was in a very similar situation. Her MIL would go off the deep end whenever the boys would stand up for their wives (which rarely happened) and even my friend, who was fed up with all of it, also wondered when MIL would truly go around the bend, take too much medication or whatever. There was talk with the FIL about having her committed but no one wanted to be the bad guy.<br><br>
Would your DP be willing to talk to a professional about coping with her? In my experience watching my DH, it is easy to know the behavior is wrong (I have psyco ILs) but coping with the emotional part is so very hard.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>StephandOwen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15387934"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'm not mad at dp.</div>
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I would be. Well, maybe not <i>mad</i>, but I'd definitely be encouraging him to get some therapy so he can stop feeding into the sickness. I know you said he's doing better, and that's good, but he lets her bully him and she <i>always</i> wins! He brought up alternatives (dinner the night before, lunch the day of, etc.) and she just said "no" until the only option left was the one she originally wanted -- how convenient! He should have said, "I can do dinner on Saturday or lunch on Sunday -- which would you prefer?" and repeated that ad infinitum, letting her throw a fit if she wanted to.<br><br>
I agree with the PP who recommended therapy for DP to help him learn how to cope with her -- right now he's just reinforcing her awful behavior.
 

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Is there any way you can set up a "family meeting" one night after Owen goes to bed? I'm not sure it's really fair to dp to say "I'm never spending another holiday with your family and we're leaving during all holidays" because that puts him in a "them or me" situation. But maybe set up a family meeting with him and his parents and set up some boundaries, bury the hatchet, and start fresh. It sounds like dp is trying to balance how to keep two people happy and eventually it's likely going to break him. (He seems very sensitive to me from when I've seen him, and he seems like a people pleaser...this has *got* to be killing him inside...)<br><br>
Set up some boundaries and some compromises--let FMIL know (in FFIL's presence since he is more reasonable) that you and your dp are starting new family traditions, and that you guys will be spending ___, ____, and ____ days as a family, but you are more than willing to spend ____, ______, and ____ holidays with them, as well as the day before or day after the holidays you won't be at their house for.<br><br>
Then have you and her both say honestly what has been bothering you in a non-confrontational and safe way, find a way to compromise, and once and for all bury the hatchet so that you guys aren't living the next 30+ years at war.<br><br>
You remember my ex-fh. We broke off the engagement over not being able to get along with his mom (who was way overbearing like your FMIL). Not being able to get along with a partner's parent is a pretty huge thing and it has to be remedied...if not, it puts the partner in a situation where he feels like he's always having to choose and disappoint. That, and it's just toxic to be around...everyone ends up hurt. But setting up boundaries and ground rules <i>on both sides</i> is essential...both sides compromise and give a little. And if it doesn't work, I guess your dp will at least see that you tried your best and that you are willing to keep trying because you love him and don't want to see him hurt.<br><br>
Or, I guess moving to another state's an option. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">:
 

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I want to start by say that I totally understand being sick of the controling MIL, I have been there done that. She has no right to expect your dp to spend all day with her on Mothers Day. And I am in no way attacking you or saying you shouldn't be upset BUT..... In a way you are doing the same thing to your dp as his mother is doing and I feel bad for this poor guy stuck in the middle. You said that your MIL is mad that he is not spending all day with her and yet you're at home upset because he (after a lovley day with you) has gone to see his mom on MOTHERS DAY. You could have gone out to dinner an decided not to because it wasn't where you wanted to go. It sounds like you got to do what you wanted all day, why couldn't his mom pick where to eat dinner? Then you tell him that you will never spend a holiday with him and his family again. Do you really want him to have to choose between his partner and family, that is just not fair. Sometimes you suck it up for the person you love. maybe next year declare saturday the offical mothers day at your home and you can have it just how you planned and then dp has the freedom to be with his mom on Mothers Day with out you being upset.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"> to AngieB<br><br>
I can understand all your annoyance, but, really, it's not unreasonable for him to want to see his mother on mother's day, and it's not unreasonable for her to want to see him then either. I can not even imagine telling my partner that I wouldn't go see his family on mother's day or telling him that I'd never do another holiday with his family. That's not the kind of family I want, and it's sure not what I'd want to model for my ds about how adult men should treat their mothers!
 

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But she's his mother, right? I mean, it seems like the one holiday she SHOULD be able to dictate how it's spent. You're his partner, not his mom.
 
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