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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My neighbor across the street (not the loonies next door) is very AP, but not NFL. But, the point is, she thinks good behavior=quiet and still. She is pretty GD, but mostly because she has an only child and he is very compliant. I have seen her loose her temper and say some things in very harsh tones. She was telling her son yesterday he was not going to get to play with my dd(s) if he was going to continue to act like them (in the bank -playing quietly). He was not being bad and neither were my kids. My dd spoke up and said so. My 8 yo said "we aren't being bad" and looked at me very puzzled. I said "NO, you are not being bad you are just being kids". ("don't worry about it." and I kinda rolled my eyes at the other mom)

We just had another conversation about it. She thinks it is wrong that I let my kids play around, instead of sitting still at all times, and that I let them walk around and explore even though they are not being loud or disruptive when we are out in public. She also, does not want her ds to be influenced by their speaking up about decision making. She wants her son to do what she says when she says it. She thinks my kids are rude for expecting me to listen to them and accomidate (sp?) their wishes. We are a family not a dictatorship and I want my children to help with decisions, that is the point...... we have a large family and we compromise to come to a good decision for everyone.

I need to adress what she said. Without getting irritated or mad. She is a good friend and I would like to keep her.

Please help me draft what to say.

Thanks,
Michelle
 

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We have a friend who keeps suggesting that we're too soft with kids, got them spoiled...etc. We should do what we "should" do, "they'll cry for a day and that's it". I really don't like those comments. Life is not perfect, though. We're not about to end our friendship over that, but try to hold our grounds and influence them our way.
Your friend's son might be a calm person to start with and she just assume that's the way kids are. Just like those people who don't have children assume that well-behaved children should be quiet and obedient. (I did before I had kids.) Now that I have happy bouncey boys I feel quiet kids might be too boring for me.


Just tell your friend you have kids with different personalities, and you have different parenting styles, there's nothing wrong with that. Don't pick on her about her parenting style, though. This is not really a right and wrong thing.
 

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She should get together with my mom. She used to train us, literally. She'd sit us down at the table and set a cookie in front of us. If we tried to grab it she'd slap our hands. This was supposed to teach us self discipline, and how to how to sit quietly even when faced with temptations. *yikes* Apparently we were the best behaved kids in church, and were the only ones who could sit through the service without disrupting.
 

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if she thinks so poorly of your style and your kids how good a friend is she really?
To me personally unless you are exchanging parenting tips and techniques on a regular basis she is not being very nice. MPHO
and how long if she is already saying she doesn't want your childrens independence and input characteristics "influencing" her child before she starts blaming yours for things more and more??

Whatever happened to 'this is what z's family does but our family does x "
 

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Sometimes, You just have to set peramaters on when and where you will hang out with her (and her kid). One of my best friends and I can really only take our kids to certain places together. We do have slightly different parenting styles. Enough to make a difference. Also, our kids do have a crazy influence on eachother and act like total nutjobs when they're all together. Therefore, we can only take them out together when it's just total free-playtime for the kids. I wouldn't dream of accompanying them to the bank with my kids in tow. That would be a nightmare. Parks, beaches, backyards etc. That's it.
I say, that if you consider her to be a good friend, keep it that way and hang out when you know it will be stress free.
 

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I answered you in the Childhood Years forum
Just wanted to let you know.
 

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I've had friends like that. I am generally so glad that I don't have a giant stick up my *ss that I can be pretty generous with them. I just smile and say that we like the way we do things and pretty much ignore their irritation. If it really upsets them that much then they can be the ones who take a hike. I always stick up for my dc the way you did- I would never want them to think that the other person was right.
 

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why is playing quietly bad? I can understand if they were running around, being loud and chasing etc....

My bank has three branches and all three branches have some kid desks with colouring books and things like connect four etc for the kids while mom and dad bank
( did I mention i love my bank)

this has inspired a thought and I am going to go post a spinoff on parenting issues
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by fluffernutter
She should get together with my mom. She used to train us, literally. She'd sit us down at the table and set a cookie in front of us. If we tried to grab it she'd slap our hands. This was supposed to teach us self discipline, and how to how to sit quietly even when faced with temptations. *yikes* Apparently we were the best behaved kids in church, and were the only ones who could sit through the service without disrupting.

I have memories of my mom making me run up and down the hallway over and over while she timed me with a watch holding a cookspoon in the other hand. If I slowed down or stopped I got a whack with the spoon. She did this because I was too slow in doing things she asked me to do and she was teaching me to be faster.


Michelle, I think you should just tell her that you parent one way and she another. She should respect that. I'd also tell her to not make negative comments about your children in front of them.

The house down the street is for sale. Wanna be my neighbor?
 

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I have no idea what you could possibly say to manage some sort of agreement or compromise in being freinds and having the children be friends also. it seems to me she is not realistic at all and personally i dont know how one deals with that. Especially if she doesnt what her child influenced by yours. it almost sounds like she is ready to back out of the relationship.
I'm sorry. I hope she can come to understand and accept your ways and that you dont loose this friendship. Maybe.... if you only spent short periods of time together????
~L
 

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I think this is one of those YMMV situations.
I AP harcore, but I also expect a lot out of my children. Well...pretty much just Sid right now since Lily is too young. I love for Sid to explore, interact and have a great time. However I also don't allow him to use indoor spaces like a jungle gym, work hard to insure he's not running in the way of people (for his and their safety) and insure proper manners.
Doing these things lead to all of us having a better time. I also means people are very glad to see us coming and welcome him in to do things they wouldn't allow other kids to do (like going behind counters in shops etc.). So it benefits him in a big way, as well as the rest of us.
It means a lot of work, but I believe it's worth it. I don't consider it stifiling him...quite the opposite. He gets more opportunities due to knowing how to fit in socially. And when he can behave well socially, it allows him more freedom of expression. That's how it works for me. Yes I have a mowhawk, piercings, etc.; but my manners can take me anywhere.

~Daednu
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
yes, exactly MamaDaednu...... my dc were being polite and well behaved. They were acting curious. And people were showing them things and allowing them to do stuff, see stuff. It was like she did not like that they were being treated with respect. "like an adult"- "Like kids should be treated like kids" ie.... littlt PITA without rights or respect.

Kleine Hexe, Yes I want to live down the street from you!!!!!! And, I do not comment on her parenting style so why does she comment on mine?

Mamajama..... that is what I was thinking also. I thought maybe I won't go anywhere with her, just play outside in our backyards, etc..... because she does not like my dc influence but then while I was out.....she told my dh that she wanted him to tell me to make sure we save a spot for her son at any summer activities, daycamps, story times, ect so he can go with us??
So, which one lady, do you want to hang with us or not??

I am glad I did not get offended and get into a pissing match with her. I just am confused. I want the kids to have friends to play with, I just can not find any Mammas to get along with!
 

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"Mamajama.... that is what I was thinking also. I thought maybe I won't go anywhere with her, just play outside in our backyards, etc..... because she does not like my dc influence but then while I was out.....she told my dh that she wanted him to tell me to make sure we save a spot for her son at any summer activities, daycamps, story times, ect so he can go with us?? So, which one lady, do you want to hang with us or not??"

From My own personal experience I would suspect the save a spot has not much to do with hanging around you but making sure that they have a 'spot.' You are just a means to that end.

I am sure to get fried for that so its ok but I have btdt and I am known for being cynical...

I would take a break for awhile and see how it goes

And I wonder too if you don't comment on her parenting why on Earth is she commenting on yours???

Can you do like a lot of the mamas here suggest on things that works really good??

Make lists of the pros and cons of staying friends and ending it?
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by fourgrtkidos

So, which one lady, do you want to hang with us or not??

I am glad I did not get offended and get into a pissing match with her. I just am confused. I want the kids to have friends to play with, I just can not find any Mammas to get along with!
Really, that question is for you to answer. Do you want to hang out with them or not. Feel empowered in this decision.
It's a delicate balance finding people that you get along with, that also get along with your kids, all your kids get along, and your parenting styles match up perfectly. I don't know how common that would be. What I do is kind of categorize people, I suppose.
As I said before, one of my best friends has a son. We hang out in certain places with our kids. She and I hang out pretty much any time either of us is without our kids. I would not think to call her to accompany us out for dinner etc. with her son. I love them to bits, but we would not have fun.
Then there are the moms who I am not necessarily friends with, but our kids get along really well. Birthday party/ playgroup moms---kind of like co-workers.
Then there are the childless friends who love kids. They can come out with us for dinner.

I think it can work if, in your mind, you categorize her. And adapt your relationship to suit. You make the calls. If you don't want to save a spot for her son, then don't. No biggie. Just let her know that you've signed your kids up for whatever and she's welcome to do the same (if that's what you choose, of course). If she wants to run errands with you so you can all spend time together, try suggesting that you get your errands done and then meet in the park with coffees and snacks. I think that people understand, if you say it's just to difficult juggling your own kids' needs with the needs of their family all at the same time. I mean that's almost impossible.
If you want to talk to her about it, I suggest saying that you've noticed that the two of you have different priorities when it comes to discipline etc. and it's too confusing to try to reconcile conflicting opinions on the spot. I'm sure she's noticed (esp. if you rolled your eyes at her
) Offer a suggestion about what you think would help the situation (ie. meeting in places where discipline is rarely needed) and ask her if she has any ideas of how to make it work.
 

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i personally cant beleive she said that in front of your kids. that is so mean , and immature. an adult saying that can really impact a kid for years, thats just oneof those things, that with some kids it can really make them feel bad. it sounds like your daughter really had a good sense of herself though. that made me glad when i read that part. but still. i would be more offended that she said that in front of my kids , more offended than if she had said it to me in private or something.
 

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I don't expect my child to be quiet and completely still in public either, that's just odd. I'm not sure how she even accomplished that without either physically punishing him or shaming him into compliance. i would be confused as well, if she feels that your child's behavior is rubbing off on her child then why would she want them to hang out together? is she just looking for a free babysitter? or does she just like to feel superior by telling other parents that her child is better behaved then there's but doesn't really want to act on anything? i don't know...if i was in your shoes i would probably continue to let the kids play together but distance myself from her. i mean i don't need to be best friends with someone to have our kids play together.
 

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I've been disappointed by the mothers around me for the most part, even in AP playgroups and such. I just assumed that I wouldn't see shaming, weird punishing, or unfair expectations there, but I do see it all the time.

I do feel more and more alone in that way.
 
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