[fourgrtkidos]

My neighbor across the street is very AP, but not NFL. But, the point is, she thinks good behavior=quiet and still. She is pretty GD, but mostly because she has an only child and he is very compliant. I have seen her loose her temper and say some things in very harsh tones (she threatens spanking although I have never seen her spank). She was telling her son yesterday he was not going to get to play with my dd(s) if he was going to continue to act like them (in the bank -playing quietly). He was not being bad and neither were my kids. My dd spoke up and said so. My 8 yo said "we aren't being bad" and looked at me very puzzled. I said "NO, you are not being bad you are just being kids". ("don't worry about it." and I kinda rolled my eyes at the other mom) They were sitting on the floor playing and in chairs and occasionally walked over to the tellers to see what they were doing. Most of the tellers and loan officers were smiling at them and explaining to the kids what they were doing without my kids asking; just because they seemed interested.
What is so wrong about that?

We just had another conversation about it. She thinks it is wrong that I let my kids play around, instead of sitting still at all times, and that I let them walk around and explore even though they are not being loud or disruptive when we are out in public. She also, does not want her ds to be influenced by their speaking up about decision making. She wants her son to do what she says when she says it. She thinks my kids are rude for expecting me to listen to them and accomidate (sp?) their wishes. We are a family not a dictatorship and I want my children to help with decisions, that is the point...... we have a large family and we compromise to come to a good decision for everyone.

I need to adress what she said. Without getting irritated or mad. She is a good friend and I would like to keep her.

Please help me draft what to say.

Thanks,
Michelle

PS.
My kids and I were discussing where to go to lunch today very calmly, each weighing in on what they would prefer to eat and where they wanted to go based on best food balanced by best play area......... library park with food from Wild Oats eatery for example, and her ds demanded to go home because he did not like our "fighting". He is afraid to be influenced by us now and thinks he will get in trouble if he models our "discussion"? Discussion is healthy!

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Your whole post is one that could have wrote many times over the years

Quote:

Originally Posted by fourgrtkidos They were sitting on the floor playing and in chairs and occasionally walked over to the tellers to see what they were doing. Most of the tellers and loan officers were smiling at them and explaining to the kids what they were doing without my kids asking; just because they seemed interested. What is so wrong about that?

Not a thing in my opinion. My kids did/do that stuff often.

Quote:

She thinks it is wrong that I let my kids play around, instead of sitting still at all times, and that I let them walk around and explore even though they are not being loud or disruptive when we are out in public.

Wow! Quiet and still at all times? That doesn't seem kind, or fair and certainly not realistic to me at all... especially of a child. Does she (neighbor mom) keep still and silent all of the time?

Quote:

She also, does not want her ds to be influenced by their speaking up about decision making. She wants her son to do what she says when she says it. She thinks my kids are rude for expecting me to listen to them and accomidate (sp?) their wishes. We are a family not a dictatorship and I want my children to help with decisions, that is the point...... we have a large family and we compromise to come to a good decision for everyone.

My family is just the same way. The kids have as much a right to express themselves as we do.... and to be heard.

Quote:

I need to adress what she said. Without getting irritated or mad. She is a good friend and I would like to keep her. Please help me draft what to say.

I would say something like: I realize that you and I take a different approach to parenting, and that we see behavior in different ways. It's really important to my family that we all have our feelings and our voice heard and taken seriously. We feel that the children have a right to be, and learn from being, part of the world around them by exploring and "doing", rather than by being seen and not heard. We prefer to compromise and guide the kids through things so that they can be part of the solution to something...not just having things dictated to them without their input. As an adult I wouldn't feel good about being expected to be silent and still in public, and I don't think my children would either.

I enjoy our friendship, and I see that this is a conflict in it. Maybe it's best if you discuss what your family believes with your children, and then we can each handle our kids independently. My family is comfortable with our approach.

I have no clue if any of that sounds good or applicable here, but I hope something works for you! It's a tough spot to be in with a friend you'd like to keep... I know.

 

[fourgrtkidos]

Thanks!!!

YOu are much more eloquent than I!!!

 

[meemee]

michelle, is she open to other ways of parenting? if u have any books on parenting that u like could u share them with her?

a while ago i lost a good friend of mine because she wasnt open to my ideas and was really imposing her views on me. i tried really hard to work with her but later started maintaining a distance because she just wouldnt accept there are other ways than hers. and she has almost the same views that ur friend has. i can already see the gap building between her 10 year olds and her who really are great kids who love their mom but their mom is not sympathetic to the problems of preteens. really i was more friends to help the girls out but it became too much when she would try to discipline my child who is much too sensitive to any extreme form of discipline. all i have to do is tell her 'i am starting to get angry with u adn i dont want to be but we have to do this now' on those rare ocassions when she refuses and that really gets her going after everything else i tried.

 

[Benji'sMom]

Hmmm... this is a tough issue. Because what's "annoying behavior" is a matter of opinion, and it seems totally normal to me that someone might be annoyed with a kid's behavior even without the kid being loud. There's more to being annoying than just loudness, and it's all relative anyway. I think it was really inapropriate for her to make comments like that in front of your kids, though. Maybe say something to her like, "Our difference in parenting styles is causing a strain on our relationship, can we please talk about it without the kids being present?" And then tell her something like what UnschoolnMa suggested, like "I don't want it to ruin our friendship, but we are comfortable with the way we do things, this is who we are. You can raise your kids however you are comfortable without bad mouthing my parenting style in front of my children."

 

[stafl]

Threatening to hit a child is never GD, whether she actually hits the child or not. When people use threats of physical violence, or physical violence itself, to control the actions of another adult it's called domestic violence. why would it ever be ok to do the same thing to a child? I would not want my child exposed to it, not on a regular basis, and not unless we could discuss it between ourselves later and use it as a learning experience about why we don't treat people like that. Insulting your children's behavior right there in front of them was way out of line, I'd call her on it and hold no bones about it! Her child seems to be afraid he'll get in trouble if he starts thinking for himself and making his own decisions. How sad is that?

 

[guest^]

:

mp

 

[MsMoMpls]

I tell parents that obedience is great... if you are training dogs. A well trained dog will live with you forever, and never need to make an independent decision. This is no way to raise a child who needs to be fully expressed and whole. I am sorry but I don't see this one going well. She is so far away from where you are that I doubt the ability to bridge the gap. I would really ask her to respect your right to raise your children without her criticizing you or them. Doubt she can do that. Good luck.