[doubledutch]

okay, so i had that other thread about how impossible it is to talk about this irl, with my therapist, my mom/family, and ultimately dh. ("this" being what the marriage really is like and the fact that i want out and am taking steps toward that.) then i posted about talking to my therapist, and this weekend i talked and talked with my mom . . . hmm, i'm halfway there! after i talked to my mom, it almost created a sense of urgency. like saying the words out loud has put this momentum behind it.<br><br>
i still have to talk to my step-dad because he does our taxes. he's already filed our income tax return for '09, but we had a small business loss that we were able to apply to the previous three years, which he hasn't filed yet (which we have to receive into our joint account). so i want to ask him if he can file that now, partly so i don't lose the money to h, but also so i have the money for filing fees and additional childcare during the transitional month or so, when i have to start paying for full time care but am still disentangling myself from all of his many expenses.<br><br>
i also still have to talk to my dad. he's always traveling for work but will be back in town this weekend and i <i>think</i> he'll be around next week (we work together).<br><br>
after that, it's just dh left to talk to. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"><br><br>
he's gone a lot of nights. lately my boys (ages 3 & 4.5) have been asking on a regular basis if daddy needs to go anywhere, because they prefer when it's just us. there has been so much ridiculous bs lately as well. on saturday he actually sat in the car alone for 90 minutes because he got mad at me on the way to have lunch with my mom, brother & his family. he had exploded on ds1 shortly after we got in the car, for making a clicking sound with his mouth, ultimately yelling at him to sit straight and look out the window, and ds looked so defeated. he never started out by saying, "that's really bothering me right now, please stop." he just blew up at him about having a nice day with no monkey business. it was so ridiculous, it's almost funny now. but anyway, i thought about it for like 10 minutes, because i didn't want ds1 to gather by me not stopping him, that i agreed or that it was okay to yell at him like that for essentially nothing. so finally i said very calmly, "i think k & s deserve to be talked to with some respect. i know we're the parents and they're the kids, but they're people and i don't want them learning that's how we talk to people or that it's okay for people to talk like that to them." that was it. he freaked out, that i'm attacking him again, that i'm telling him he's a horrible fucking father, and ultimately to leave the keys in the car because he's not fucking eating lunch with me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
oh yeah, and he killed the battery in the car. since the parking lot was full, nobody (mom or brother) could pull up to my car to jump it, so i asked my mom if we could just ride with her and we'd come back later to jump it. dh was soooooooo pissed! he wanted my mom to take the boys so he and i could "talk". i was like, no, i have plans to spend the afternoon with my mom; we can talk tonight. then he wanted to put the car in neutral and roll it out into the lane of traffic, in a busy parking lot at 1pm, to jump it. i said, "no way - my mom will drop you off at home, and she and i will come back for the car later." (he doesn't drive anyway.) he was so mad that he had to get in the car with my mom, probably because he was embarrassed over how he acted, or at least he should have been. that's just one little sliver of one day, and they've pretty much all been like that. i can't wait for this to not be my life.

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm glad the talk went well with your Mom!<br><br><br>
And ugh to your H's behavior at lunch! I could have typed that word for word the way he will snap at the kids for one thing they do and if I say anything to him about it, then I'm an attacking bitch, etc.<br><br>
The craziness will end one day...

 

[JayJay]

I remember the attacking the kids. They are my stepkids and one of the biggest reasons I left with Bella was that I could NOT sit there and let her be treated that way even ONE time. I remember one time when D aged 6 at the time was doing his homework and H had had a "bad day." He just ripped the poor kid apart like so:<br><br>
"Why are you so fuckin' stupid - you can't even fuckin' read? I haven't got all fuckin' day while you fuckin' do this: I've got shit to do."<br><br><i>*Step son attempts to read a word*</i><br><br>
"What the fuck - it's *insert word here* - what are you, a fuckin' idiot? It's fuckin' *insert word here*"<br><br><i>*Step son gets quieter and quieter and begins to look like he wants to cry.*</i><br><br>
"I can't fuckin' hear you - talk louder for fuck's sake. I haven't got all fuckin' night."<br><br><i>*Step son starts to cry and hides behind the coffee table at which point H decides he is going to start really shouting. This goes on for about thirty minutes while DSS is doing his homework.*</i><br><br>
Did I ever mention how much I did NOT want to leave these kids, because I was literally the ONLY stable, kind influence in their lives? Yet at the same time, man, H was a hurricane force tearing through the entire house, ripping everything apart. Every act like that did permanent damage to my stepchildren, and I knew it. I couldn't let it happen to another child and when i think of it now, I just feel so terribly angry with H - just so angry. I don't really care any more what HE went through to make him do this - he was ripping the children apart.<br><br>
If he thinks I will ever let him do that to Bella, he's dead wrong. If he EVER said anything like that to her even ONCE, I would take him to court, remove his parental rights forthwidth and sadly, he would have no chance of ever seeing her until she was 18 years old - and then only if she wanted to see him.<br><br>
These destructive men and horrendously damaging the future of mankind, and it simply has to stop. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">

 

[*MamaJen*]

That is awesome. So what all did your mom have to say about it?<br>
It's totally true that talking to people creates a sense of urgency. They really hold you accountable, in a sense. So what kind of timeline are you looking at?<br>
When you do have the conversation with your STBX (I think that's accurate now, right?), if he starts getting all emotional and pleading and swearing he'll change, just remember the image of the man berating your son and then sulking like a child.<br>
Have you worked out how you'll tell him? You know your situation best, but it really might be best to have someone there with you. They can help keep you safe in case he tries to get violent, and they can help keep the conversation short. You don't need to go through 10 hours of him freaking out on you. You can just tell him that you have made the decision to leave the relationship and it's not up for negotiation. You'd spare yourself so much grief that way.<br>
So are you planning on moving out for a while or are you going to cross your fingers that he'll go?

 

[doubledutch]

several months ago (maybe january?) i talked with my mom about the bpd stuff. she and the rest of my family could never understand why i didn't "make" him help me, or whatever, so when i first read about that and was like, "omg, this is us!" i shared it with her because, before that, i could never see the larger pattern in order to explain to someone why i was being such a door mat. why i "had to" do whatever he wanted but could never get what i wanted or needed. so she was aware of that stuff and concerned, and it wasn't a surprise when i said i had talked to a lawyer to find out what would happen and what i needed to do to prepare for that possibility. she said i had her support either way, and that nobody in my extended family would be upset with me or blame me if i filed for divorce. she also said she has always believed there are three instances where you can't necessarily "work it out" in a marriage: mental illness, substance abuse and physical abuse. (so surprised cheating isn't on there! i guess that's not a deal-breaker for her?) i was like, "so we've got two out of three." and she was like, "or maybe three out of three," because i had told her about the "spanking". she talked a lot about what she went through as a single mother (beginning when i was 2yo and brother was 4.5yo), but said, "it's not easy, but in your case, it will probably be less work and you will probably be better off financially in the long run," which is true. she also did a really good job of not freaking out and "rescuing" like she can have a tendancy to do.<br><br>
i don't exactly know about a timeline. i feel safe to get ds2 potty-trained and into school first. otherwise idk what i'll do for childcare (but would figure it out if i really needed to). i'm hoping that will happen within a month or so, as well as filing the back-dated tax adjustment thing. as for the actual conversation, here is how i picture it ideally going. it's friday after work. the kids are loaded into the car for a visit to my mom's house. i hand him an envelope and say, "we'll be back sunday," and leave. there is really nothing to talk about, because i've already said it all and he has never heard me. i guess that does leave the fact that i'll have to come back at the end of my weekend away, but i guess i will have the option of going elsewhere if he insists on following me around the house yelling and swearing.<br><br>
i would like him to go stay somewhere else (and he does have somewhere he could stay until he figures out a longer-term situation). if i have to stay somewhere else, i can, but would prefer not to leave the house and everything in it for him to trash, or sell, or whatever. i should remember that and get things squared away in terms of anything valuable (mostly sentimental value, i don't have much of monetary value) before i hand him the papers.<br><br>
it's hard for me to picture this or really think it through, but important to try, so thank you for asking those questions!

 

[doubledutch]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>doubledutch</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15375124"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">she talked a lot about what she went through as a single mother (beginning when i was 2yo and brother was 4.5yo), but said, "it's not easy, but in your case, it will probably be less work and you will probably be better off financially in the long run," which is true.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
i just realized the above is true for her too - in the short term, she lost everything, financially, but 10 years later (after putting herself through college and then keeping her career afloat while she was being treated for breast cancer) she was earning 6 figures, versus having been a sahm with little earning potential. likewise, living with my dad at that time was no picnic for her, and she said that even though she dealt with behavior problems in my brother for about a year after they split up, and even though we were broker than broke, the years she was in college were probably the happiest time in her life. so she definitely knows what she's talking about.

 

[PajamaMama]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[Surfacing]

Your mom sounds like a good role model. But of course you are writing the story of your own life.<br><br>
I want to write more but am distracted by toddler needs...