[becca011906]

Ok, i'm 20 y/o been married for 3 years next month and pregnant with baby # 3. Dh is 25. I feel like he doesn't want me around his friends anymore like he's ashamed that i'm pregnant again, like he think i'm ugly and fat or something. See last week he went to a cook out with people he works with... he said it was just a small thing and no other kids were coming so if i wanted to stay home it wasn't a problem... well i had plans for that night anyways with my mom so i didn't really mind. Well me and the kids went home about 8:30 i got them in bed. Then dh finally called abotu 9:45 and said he would be home with in an hour... well at 11:30 i went to bed. He came home at 1:30 and said he didn't see the point of calling b/c he would have just woke me up. He said he stayed longer b/c if he was home he would have just sat up and watched tv alone when i went to bed. (He usally stays up till atleast 1:00am on his nights off b/c he works nights). Well then i find out he was at a girls house... which i trust him completely but if there were other girls there why didn't he ask for us to get a sitter so i could go with him...
Then tonight we were talking about the upcoming carnival and festavile in town for the 4th of july. He's on the volenteer fire dept. so he has to help at a stand down there they have every year. He has to be there tues, then works wed and thursday nights at his job. Then will be back at the tent fri, sat, sun. So i said i'd prolly join him on tues with out the kids b/c there are pagents that night i would like to watch. He's like well you know you don't have to be down there every single night... then i started to tell him about the baby contest that i wanted to put dd in like i did last year. He said well who's taking her on stage... i was like well me you'll be working down there for the F.D. right? He's like that's dumb anyways why does she need to be in it. I was like you didn't have a problem with it last year. Is your problme me walking with her or her being it.... he didn't answer... i just feel alone. i really dont' have many friends except my sister who doesn't understand being that she's single and only 18. Just looking for any words of advice or support! Thanks!

 

[veganmamma]

Oh my goodness, that sounds really hurtful. Have you talked to him about this? It sounds like you guys aren't communicating well. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer, but all i have is

s.

 

[becca011906]

Thanks for the hugs... communication has never really been a strong point for us... at all. About a 1 1/2 year ago we almost had to resort to a councilor b/c we were on the verg of devorice. I wish he would talk to me more often. I don't know how to get him to open up to me. His parents are really "closed" up people i've never heard them say "i love you" to eachother... never heard either say it to dh or hug or kisses nothing. My family is very opposite... we hug and kiss i always end phone calls to my mom and sister with "i love you" i do this with dh also and he has never had a problem with that. Latley i've tried talking to him about showing effection in public to me and the kids more.... i.e. he doesn't like the kids not listening to him in the first warning... he get inpatent and can't hadle it when i will sit and talk with them about the situation for a while before over reacting... i just need to find a way to get him to open up more... i wish we had gone to councialling when we had the $ for it... we are on a tighter budget now and there is no way we could affoid it.... it's really sad. thanks for the hugs!!!

 

[MPJJJ]

No advice but lots of

 

[Britishmum]

It sounds like communication is an issue for you, but don't get too hung up about the outward affection and saying "I love you" etc etc. You can still communicate quite effectively with someone without being overly effusive with that sort of sentiment, if it is not in your personality or upbringing!

I say this because my family does not go around saying "I love you" to one another, (except maybe privately to partners) and certainly would never say that on the phone! I personally cringe when my in-laws say it to me, as I just don't know how to answer. It doenst mean that someone is uncaring or cold just because they don't naturally say that stuff, it just means that they are not as effusive as families like yours.

I guess what I"m trying ot say is that you need to focus on what is important, not on the trimmings of affection. Some families just dont go overboard on the 'love' stuff, but they can be equally as loving and caring. If you try to change your dh, you will just make him either resentful or embarrassed. I still go inwardly ucky when my inlaws do the "I love you" stuff, as to me, it is inappropriate except for to your young children or partner. Dh is fine with me not feeling comfortable with it, and accepts that I just hum and haw a bit and change the subject. If I felt that I had to perform publicly with mushy stuff to please him, I'd cringe. Or if I felt that he somehow was measuring the depth of my love for people by the way that I hugged, kissed or told them I loved them... I just save that stuff for the very close people in my life - dh and my children.

Maybe I'm way off base, and if I am, ignore me. And good luck!

 

[mountain]

Can you set aside a time when you're not arguing to just talk? Use lots of "I" statements: example: "I feel/felt badly when you suggested I didn't enter the baby in the contest; is it because of the way I look?" I would rather ask him point blank than beat around the bush...It could be ANYTHING...during this time, you could also ask for more compliments: "My body is so huge right now, I know it won't be this way forever, but I need you to tell me I'm beautiful sometimes so I won't freak out"

In my experience, some guys (i.e. MINE!) don't know that this is so valuable to you when you're pregnant.

Of course, your best option is always yourself. Feel beautiful within yourself, remind yourself that you're going through change, and this body is not forever.

Pregnancy was hard for me, it was the time when I felt the LEAST beautiful (tired, lack of judgement, etc) but people were telling me I looked so good...WTF? I didn't feel it, but looking back, I was beautiful.

Any of this rambling help?

 

[becca011906]

Thanks mountain... yeah that does help... i think dh likes it when i'm pregnant b/c guy heads don't turn when i look this way. He's very isucure of other guys looking at me. I'm a very small build person when i'm not pregnant about 5'4 and 115lbs... right now on the other hand i'm about 160lbs! LOL but i had my first to and managed to lose all the weight and sometimes more then i needed to. Him on the other hand has gotten this gut ever since a 1 1/2 years ago when he was laid off work for 6 months and didn't do much since it was winter time but sit around the house and help me out with my day care i was running at the time. When he retured to work he became a 911 disbatcher and has no physical needs required sit at a desk looking at a tv or computer for 12 hours. But i still love him and know he's slightly concious of his gut so i don't say anything at all about it. Well thanks... for all the suport girl i will make it through these last few weeks some how and when i have that little baby i will know it's worth it all (and so will dh even if he doesnt' say it in so many words)!!!!

 

[village idiot]

You gotten some really good advice so far. I just wanted to say that insurance will usually cover couples counseling or if it doesn't many places have a sliding fee scale where they charge according to your income. HTH.