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I'm sorry things are so tough for you!!

I wonder if Tharen is sensing that while you're meeting all his concrete needs, you're emotionally aching for Kearnan and wishing you could spend more time with him. At the same time as Tharen is "in the way" of your having time to do things with Kearnan, your worries about Kearnan are in the way of fully being with Tharen. That's a painful place for you to be and hard for both of them to understand.
Could you divide the day into times when you focus on Kearnan and times when you focus on Tharen? I'm not suggesting that you totally neglect one boy, just that you create a time when you consciously resist worrying about one of them in order to give the other your whole-hearted attention.

He won't go to my mother, he won't go to my father (and we live with them so he sees them every day). He won't even go to his own father. He screams for me to hold him, and then whines while I hold him. I can't seem to make him happy.
This is a really tough situation! I am in awe of you just for surviving it!
I wonder, since he isn't happy when you're with him anyway, if it would work to be firm about leaving him with one of these other loving adults while you make time for Kearnan. You could start with 15 minutes and later work up to a longer time. I know that sounds a lot like a CIO regimen, but remember that putting him into the care of his father or grandparents is not the same as leaving him alone! He won't like it at first, but maybe he'll warm to it...especially if you return feeling refreshed and less worried about Kearnan.

I'm not a mother of multiple children, so I'm not speaking from direct personal experience. I am a developmental psychologist, if that means anything.
And I saw that you were suffering and couldn't bear not trying to help.
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